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between you and me.



In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.


I sometimes hate dislike when someone said "You're more matured than you age".
Whaaat?
Tak faham macamana process maturation ini berlaku. [gelak sinis]
Adakah ianya seperti maturation of cell? [okay, lost]
I mean, tak faham macamana aku boleh jadi macam ni sedangkan aku anak bongsu.
Yes, the last of the last. I'm an adik. Aku manja. [menurut abangku dan kakakku ya] dan aku tak pernah duduk hostel / asrama. Tak pernah berjauhan dengan mama & ayah dan dikira duduk bawah ketiak mereka lama jugak la.

Macamana weh process tu berlaku? Kalau tau, boleh sikit share dengan orang. Supaya they act mature juga. Hahaha.

Bah, seriously. Kenapa juga mau begini kan? [err, sila hilangkan slang sabahan anda]

Takde la. Tak paham jugak kenapa aku boleh mature thinking ni sedangkan aku nak sangat act like a kiddo, care-free dan trouble  maker tapi tak boleh! cis. Teori pertama aku adalah, aku berkawan dengan orang mature or bajet dia mature [tapi dia memang mature pun] *batukkeringbatukbatukCikDanaveebatukbatukkk* Naaa kan! Told ya.

Untuk umur macam aku, aku tak sepatutnya jadi macam mak orang. Membebel macam mama2 kata mereka. Haha.

Mature konon. ptuih. [ala-ala panglima pwtc]

Masalah sendiri tak pandai settle!

First of all;
Aku memang okay dengan orang, insyaAllah, asalkan orang okay je dengan aku. Sampaikan orang gelar aku hypocrite sebab aku boleh terima & berbincang dengan lain2 orang with lain2 pendapat. Aku jenis tak kisah jugak kau macamana dengan aku. Nak gelak ketawa, nak nangis, nak kongsi rahsia, nak ajak komplot buat surprise, sumpah aku tak kisah. Aku takde lah jenis yang buat semua orang rasa aku best friend dia, tapi aku just okay [baca : hanya okay, tak teruk, takdelah great] with everyone.

TAPI;
Aku jenis yang tak boleh sebenarnya dikongkong. In a sense that, do not cling on me 24/7 or else sumpah aku rimas. And that is why I never used DiGi! [gelak joke sendiri] Aku bukannya kejam or whatever tapi aku tak pernah cling to anyone sangat rapat sampai 24/7 melekat bersama. There's must be ME time. I need my human time. [ayat ala-ala Bella Swan; okay, Twilight readers je paham] Before this takde siapa pernah langgar etika ini until recently.

Bukan tak nak kawan, tapi berpada-pada. I know we used to be close tapi recently, after summer this year, it's not a mutual thing anymore. Okay, silap sendiri sebab dulu tak pernah cakap apa-apa dan aku sekarang pun tak cakap apa-apa, setakat lari je dari mereply message or whatever tapi truth to be told aku memang malas reply sms + whatsapp. Keyboard hp sekarang tak selesa dulu. Eh. cakap pasal apa tadi? Oh ye. Senang cakap : dulu lain, sekarang lain. Ada la beberapa masa yang aku try dan try to be okay with it tapi aku memang tak okay with it. Nak kata ada masalah macam takde. Tak tahu apa masalah dia? Mungkin masalah dia adalah aku sendiri. Jengjengjeng. Yeah sure, boleh kawan. Tapi tak macam dulu. I don't see we will ever be macam dulu.

Yang lagi sorang, entah. Sudah dikata jangan, tapi tu juga dibuat. Payah.

Ada certain masa aku tak merajuk / marah pun. Tapi buat-buat marah / merajuk. Sebab? Entah. Habit? It's actually main-main je tapi dah the person can't tell the difference. Biar je la.

Oh, I need to slow down my sarcasm. Orang tak paham + orang terasa + orang fikir aku jahat + aku hypocrite.

Hah. Dunia.





what does not kill me, can it really make me stronger?


In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.


when we pray, we always ask God to lessen our burden, to ease our pain, to smooth any of our plans, etc.

me? I ask Him to make me stronger. the thing is, when we ask God to make us stronger, He didn't just make us stronger just like that. *chiiiing* << (failed magic sound) but no, no magic or whatsoever. He'd put us to test, so we can try to make ourselves stronger.

get it?

I've always wanna be stronger (read : tabah) because I was always and am always so weak and I couldn't pull myself through. even though most of the times I put on a brave face, I've always feel like running and screaming the top of my lungs out.

so, there it goes. I was tested to be stronger and I failed. badly. I brawled. disaster it was.

T.T

I can give advises to other on how to be stronger and I myself can't pull it through. even when my friend said I am strong, it's just I didn't realised it, I feel like, nah, if I'm strong enough I wouldn't be like this.

80% of the time I ran from my own problems, which are not really much of a big problems, really, but to me it was HUGE because I can't get over it. solution? back to God. it's a sign, it's His sign. if I feel like I have problems that as big as the world, I must've been missing in action in God's path. *shivers* what have I been doing?

few days back I was tempted to do something no-good and there I was, crumbled and did it anyway. not to humiliate myself or what-so-ever, my point here is, I was that weak! and now I feel like slapping myself for good. I can't seem to realise things any sooner, eh? annoyingnya kau, syahaneez! -_-"

now I hate myself for doing so more than ever.

that's it. just one solution, with many ways to do it. back to God. back to Quran.

ohmyrabb.

if only I would listen to myself when I give myself an advice. if only.

on a side note, happy birthday ayahku. we've always had that somewhat special connection that I can't never understand. may Allah bless and hope we'll be together in jannah. together with mama. ^^ I love you. I did bake something but I've always failed on the deco. it's choc cake btw. yes, yes, I owe you a cheese cake when I'm back. I know I'm always missing in action, never really call or whatsoever, but insyaAllah you and mama always in my prayer. *choked on tears* miss you both.







Ya Allah

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.




Ya Allah jangan Kau coba aku
Melebihi batas mampu dan sanggupku

Ya Allah bila memang Kau coba
Aku percaya Kau sayang padaku

Ya Allah lindungilah diriku
Dari yang menjahati, menzhalimiku

Ya Allah Kaulah Maha Segala
Engkaulah pelindung hidup dan matiku




this. makes me tearing inside.

my wonderwoman.

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

Sudah aku 'buang' info tentangnya supaya tiada yang tahu.
Aku tutup 'dinding' supaya tiada yang berani menconteng dan mengucapkannya.
Aku tidak mahu tahu berapa tahun sudah aku bernafas dan ianya tidak setaraf imanku yang sedikit.
Aku tidak mahu diingatkan kegagalan aku, sedangkan si Fateh berjaya menakluki kota besar ketika usianya muda dariku.

Jangan diraikan aku. Dan siapalah aku tanpa wanita yang berjaya melahirkanku?

Mama. I still remember the tales you've told me. The very one you told about having me into this world. Do you still remember how did we came about that topic? I asked why didn't you take care of me when I was a baby? Why did grandma took me? And then you told me about your complications after giving birth to me. Don't even mention about the time they had to cut you (c-sec) because I couldn't go out through the 'door'. Silly me. :(

You were half-paralyzed. You couldn't eat properly at that time because you can't move your lips. You had to be hospitalized for a long time. You were told to be strong spiritually because your body were getting worse, or else you couldn't make it.

And with your super strong will, Ma, I was able to be around you for the past 20 years. Alhamdulillah, God is The Greatest. He has blessed me with a wonderwoman as my mother. MY mother. Words are not enough to express how grateful I am.

This is only the story about you giving birth to me, and not to mention all those countless seconds you've spent to raise me. Priceless.

Until this day I have never forgotten about this tale. Sadly, I was reminded of the times I hurt you by my misbehavior and there was a time where I have never failed to make you furious. I didn't know any better. I was naive, and sadly, being a typical teenager.

I love you, Mama. Although I had and still do have problems to utter it out loud, but yeah. I love you. Although I'm miles apart, I don't call and talk to you everyday like I did during Summer, my feelings stay the same. I miss you like so much but I gotta stand up, grow up, wipe those tears and start to be act like an adult to move on, right?

I hope I can be the daughter you always wanted me to be. I wanna be a wonderwoman like you too, one day, insyaAllah.

You never left in my do'a and I hope we'll be together in Jannah later. InsyaAllah.

And this goes wholeheartedly to my lady. My wonderwoman. My teacher. My counselor. My personal doctor. My mother.


move along

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

time bagi nasihat, kata-kata semangat kat orang aku memang yakin. yakin gila la.
time kena kat batang hidung sendiri, kedu. terduduk, dengan mutiara kat pipi.

*layan perasaan mode*

okay. now I know for sure kenapa aku deactivate all my feelings. because I don't wanna be sad.

people always leave.

so why bother holding on?

I mean, I do hold on to some people (as in to be close with one) but once we're apart, I'm not gonna hold on like I did.

aku tak suka melayan perasaan.

I rather go on 3 months or even 5 occupied with my uni life, without talking to you rather than wanting to talk to you everyday / everyweek but I can't and then I'll be emoing like a little child.

faham tak?

faham tak?

I can go on months without talking to you. really. proven and done that.

thing is, sekarang ni je macam terhegeh-hegeh lah nak talk you. tapi time was never right for us. so ended up aku camni la. layan perasaan.

so, aku bukan nak cari pasal + tak bersyukur.

I'm just protecting my heart.

#np Move Along - AAR

Move along je lah. Like I know I'll do.

aku.muzik.kamu

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

I still remember the times Khadeejah played Maher Zain's Allahi Allah Kiya Karo and I thought to myself (and may or may not say it out loud) "Apasal la pasang lagu hindustan ni?"

And then I heard "Insha Allah". I was like, mehhh, it's okay. He has good voice.

The thing is I've always into music and I loved Paramore -- for they are the only band that has decent music and lyrics without sex/booze/drugs in it. Some of their songs have meaningful lyrics. Anyhow, point is, I loved music. I had like 16 GBs of songs. Mostly rock genre because I despise RnB due to their lyrics that is just so eww.

Until one day I had a change of heart. That very day He opened the doors for me.

When I listened to "Insha Allah" after that day, my heart was moved. I mean, it's not like I'm listening it for the first time but it was truly a moment for me. His lyrics was just amazing and I love the song ever since. and maybe had a crush on the guy. Haha! Jahiliyah moment there. I was reminded to love the lyrics, not the singer. I was like, okay, blessed this guy for having a beautiful talent, given from above. -- LOL

Then came the time when his fame shoots up. Got famous all over asia and what-not. I dislike things that most people like. So I didn't like it as much as I did.

The point I'm writing this is just that I miss that feeling I had when I listened to the song. It feels so awesome. And now I'm miles away from that very feeling. I've missed the times I felt confident with every thing I did, that I did because of Him. Nowadays is just blerghhhh.

The attack of Mr. Futur. :(

I just don't know how I ended up like this. Okay I think I know how.

They say the non-beneficial stories, dramas, music darkens your heart bits by bits. You won't feel it darkens but when you've gone to far, you realised you've changed. :(

I feel like shutting down all those unnecessary entertainments. I have this habit of watching HIMYM but I think I'm getting bored of it so it's good. But I still burst words into songs. Because I've always have them in my head. Remember those time I used to sing along to anything? Yes, that. -______-"

So many jahiliyah things I've never removed. And how do I expect myself to move forward?

It's like going uphill, it's already freaking difficult, for unhealthy-because-never-exercise-me and I'm holding a huge baggage. A baggage full of my jahiliyah stuff. Now tell me how I'm gonna reach the top of Kinabalu Mountain weh? Difficult liao!

[Note : Jahiliyyah stuff : things I'd like to refer that are not beneficial and wasting time. It's not really meant jahiliyyah but I just love to call it that. Ha.]

So. Let's leave the baggage behind, Syahaneez. Never run back and open it. Throw it away in the ocean, let it be lost and never be found.

*INHALE*

I need my heart to be purified again.

Dear Qalb of mine, please be good and love the only one that deserve to be loved. Oh, you know who!


Day 12

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

Sampai sekarang, aku tak boleh nak betulkan diri lagi.

Don't know what's up, but this is it.

Tadabur hari ni ; (22:78)

78. Dan berjihadlah kamu pada jalan Allah dengan jihad yang sebenar-benarnya. Dia telah memilih kamu dan Dia sekali-kali tidak menjadikan untuk kamu dalam agama suatu kesempitan. (Ikutilah) agama orang tuamu Ibrahim. Dia (Allah) telah menamai kamu sekalian orang-orang muslim dari dahulu, dan (begitu pula) dalam (Al Quran) ini, supaya Rasul itu menjadi saksi atas dirimu dan supaya kamu semua menjadi saksi atas segenap manusia, maka dirikanlah sembahyang, tunaikanlah zakat dan berpeganglah kamu pada tali Allah. Dia adalah Pelindungmu, maka Dialah sebaik-baik Pelindung dan sebaik- baik Penolong.

Masih lagi aku rasa sukar. Kalau betul aku amalkan apa yang patut, takkan terasa sikit pun kesukaran tu, kan?

Dan jihad, bukan hanya dengan pedang dan apa segala senjata yang ada.

Berjihad menegakkan kebenaran.

Berjihad melawan nafsu.

Jihadlah yang sebenar-benarnya. Insya Allah.



Ujian

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

Tak pernah terlintas akanku diduga sebegini.

Tak kira apa masalahnya sekali pun, aku hanya terkedu, kerana aku sedikit pun tak dapat nak kuatkan diri.

Ujian yang datang, tak pernah aku nak salahkanNya, kerana sesungguhnya susunan Dia itu sangat lah teratur, terperinci, dan ada hikmah di sebaliknya, for He knows what's best for us.

It's just I'm so stressed out with myself. Benda dah nak jadi, tak boleh nak buat apa melainkan melaluinya dengan sabar dan tabah, kan? Masalahnya I can't, and I'm being a baby to stressed out things that actually not so tough. Nak difikirkan, masalahnya tak besar mana pun, cuma bagai jatuh ditimpa tangga lah, and masa tu macam tak berapa nak mengizinkan, tu je. ITU sahaja. Dan aku tak dapat buat apa-apa dengan betul. Messed up sangat.
"La yukali fullahu nafsan illah wus'aha."
Allah tidak membebani seseorang melainkan sesuai dengan kesanggupannya.
Banyak kali aku cuba ingatkan ni pada diri sendiri. Ada tu hari tu siapa ntah cakap, kalau apa-apa pun ujian kita dapat, betapa susah atau senang, tarik nafas dan ucaplah 'alhamdulillah'.

Tapi tu lah, stress dengan diri. Diuji sikit terus merengek macam budak kecik.

Aku tahu aku ada tanda-tanda yang nak detour dari jalanNya, aku sendiri dapat rasakan futur tu sangat kuat, dan bila diuji dalam keadaan futur, inilah jadinya. Rasa tak senang je.

Solution dia senang je actually. Back to Quran; Back to Allah. Kalau ada hope & faith dalam diri, apa pun jadi, kita takkan goyah.

So. Let's start.

Islam Oversea

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

Allah ghayatuna, Ar Rasul qudwatuna, Al-Quran dusturuna, Al-Jihadu sabiluna.

I've been hearing this phrase a lot lately. I'm loving it. *cue in music by Saff-One*

Allergic~
I wonder why nowadays people, most of people that is, is so allergic with religious-related matter?

I'm talking mainly about Muslims. Why are you allergic to any Islamic matter?

If there's anyone start to post anything about Islam, you'd be uneasy and annoyed. Terasa orang yang post tu super poyo and nak menunjuk-nunjuk dia alim.

*alim bermaksud mengetahui.*

Islam ni dah jadi macam agama keturunan. Maksudnya, sebab mak bapak Islam, kita pun Islam. Siapa sebenarnya cakap Islam tu dapat diwarisi? Tak semestinya mak bapak Islam, kau automatically Islam. Kalau tak diajar, tak Islam lah kan? Kalau tak practice, tak berapa nak Islam lah kan?

Kenapa aku cakap macam ni? Sebab aku budak belajar di Russia, yang tak nampak Islam di mana-mana kecuali dengan Muslim foreigners. Aku belajar balik Islam dalam keadaan sangat terasing. Masjid takde, surau pun limited. Tempat solat kat university takde, toilet dia takde paip air, dengan 4 musim dia yang buat waktu solat berubah-ubah.

Sangat untung ok budak-budak kat Malaysia ni. Masjid berlambak, surau kat mana-mana ada. Tempat wuduk tersedia. Sudah dipermudahkan tapi berapa ramai yang betul-betul manfaatkan semua tu?

So, aku dapat merasakan ada golongan tak suka apa-apa yang aku post related to Islam. Aku poyo. Student medic tetiba nak cakap pasal Islam. Apa kes kan?


Islam Oversea
kenapa term ni diwujudkan? sebab kitorang balik Malaysia, kitorang practice Islam macam kitorang kat sana. contoh : solat tanpa telekung.

dah la solat tak pakai telekung!
boleh je solat tanpa telekung, as long aurat kita dah ditutup dengan betul.

habis tu tangan tu nampak?
aurat wanita perlu ditutup seluruh anggota badan, KECUALI muka dan tapak tangan. problem?

ish, dah ada telekung, pakai je lah. -_-"
kalau dah tutup aurat, tak pakai pun takpe, ikut keselesaan individu.

ni la kot Islam oversea. ishish. nasib baik aku belajar kat mesia ni ha.
....

ada ustaz pernah cakap, kalau la dah bertepatan dengan syarak, tak payah nak argue benda tu, sebab dia SAH. remember :

do not argue on things that will not benefit you.

kadang-kadang kat surau / masjid boleh je aku pakai telekung tapi aku suka lagi solat pakai macam tu je (that is without telekung) 1) dah biasa. 2) saja, nak bagi orang tau yang actually tak salah pun. see whether ada orang nak cakap anything. haha.

aku tak kisah kalau orang tegur aku buat salah. lagi suka kalau dia tegur bukan dalam keadaan marah/menengking. ye la, siapa suka orang tegur marah2 kan? apa hal?!

so, there's no such thing as Islam oversea. ada sesetengah benda dipermudahkan bila di sana la, seperti jamak solat kalau tak sempat catch waktu time kelas. ye la. time winter kan waktu solat pendek2. tak sempat nak zuhur, tiba-tiba dah asar. jamak je la. TAPI bukan bermaksud hari-hari boleh jamak. dah tau tak sempat, pandai2 lah simpan wuduk, supaya save masa, habis kelas terus lari cari spot and solat.
Islam tu mudah, bukan untuk dipermudahkan.


Bodoh sombong
pernah dengar kan simpulan bahasa ni? unfortunately this type of people do exist. kalau kita tengok orang tu buat something yang kita rasa salah, cakap elok2 je, tak payah nak bagi muka "hek-eleh" dan cakap belakang. kurang sikit risiko untuk memalukan diri sebab kita tak semestinya betul at all times. kalau pun kita berilmu, mungkin ilmu tu tak cukup, kita tak tahu lebih lanjut so tak payah nak act so snobbish to others.
be modest.
ni tak, ilmu pun tak berapa nak cukup, yakin teramat, sampaikan gaduh mulut.

isu pegang anjing.
ye, anjing tu najis berat, tapi boleh disamak. 6 air campur tanah, 1 air mutlak. (ikut mazhab syafi'e)

yeay boleh guna sabun taharah~
ada fatwa cakap penggunaan sabun ni tak valid, sebab kandungan tanah liat dalam dia sikit. my opinion? kalau duduk kat msia banyak tanah, tak payah lah guna sabun ni, untuk budak duduk oversea insyaAllah okay, kalau tempat tu susah nak cari tanah.

seorang perempuan nampak puppy comel, and usap2 puppy tu.
eh, boleh sentuh pulak?

kan kalau bulu dia kering, tangan kita kering, boleh sentuh..
aku tahu, tak payah samak. yang kau duduk pegang dia tu in the first place, apa hal?

memang tak salah, tapi kalau boleh, elakkan lah. kenapa kita nak buat sesuatu yang might lead us to something that God doesn't like?

fikir-fikirkanlah.

style Doa
ni tak related sangat, tapi, I've read a post saying that, sekarang ni trend untuk berdoa kat facebook, twitter. certain doa memang boleh lah jugak nak share, contohnya doakan saudara di palestin ke. tapi sesetengah doa memang tak relevant. nak orang aminkan, tapi kalau kita sendiri tak mintak kat Allah, macamana Allah nak bagi. serupa nak duit dari mak ayah tapi post kat facebook/twitter. hoping they'd read the memo.

aku rasa kalau sesuatu doa tu kita selalu mintak kat Allah, kita tak perlu orang untuk aminkan doa kita kat facebook or twitter.

wallahu'alam.
aku rasa aku kecewa dengan diri sendiri.














i should have been stronger than this.

Politics and whatnot.

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

From what I've heard yesterday, 2 speech from 2 people, I can't tell whether it's a different person, because both of them are in the government team, it's very contradicting.

I'm not taking any sides, I'm not pro-gov, or pro-opp. I'm neutral.

What does that mean? It means, I only listens & agree whatever they say/do that's good. Or so I think so it is good. Haha.

So the first who gave the speech, was all you-must-love-the-1-malaysia-campaign. I was like o-kay? Honestly, I didn't like his speech, it was like almost telling us, "come join us, we've done so many things for you". I can't remember exactly what he said, I was falling asleep, but from what I've processed, he basically kiss up to the whole 1 Malaysia thing (and to who came with that idea), saying now the integration bond between all races are better than ever. Is it really?

I don't know. I have multiracial friends, but I have to admit, they are not typical of their kind. They are unique. From what I see, we are still in racist phase.

Example : Kalau bab-bab curi, mesti india. Bab-bab tak nak bagi potong kereta mesti Cina. Bab-bab penunggang motor tak bertauliah mesti Melayu.

This is not my opinion, this is what I see others (mostly) thinks. More or less lah.

Aku sendiri pun tak suka dengan bangsa sendiri. Adakah aku racist, kalau macam tu?

Sebab aku tak pandang semua tu. If you're good, I don't see you as a color, I see you as a person. Orang Melayu, aku pun Melayu, tapi tiba-tiba marah aku tak pasal-pasal sedangkan kau boleh cakap elok-elok. Lagi satu decible nak jerit kat aku. Infront of other people. (ok, teremosi di sini)

1Malaysia, tapi usaha nak rapatkan bond between the races tu, bukan senang kan? Kalau takat bagi propaganda memang lah senang. Do something to stop the racism!

2nd point of the 1st person who gave the speech is about Bersih 2.0. He dared to compare it to the riots in London. I personally, don't think that people of Bersih 2.0 go around, destroy shops, and burn stuff, like what happened in London.

His excuse? "Because we have take precautions from letting that to happen."

Bersih is not a riot, it's a rally/demonstration. Yeah, they can get really annoying and loud with speakerphones and stuff but they don't plan on destroy anything.

If they do, I'd be receiving a mail saying "Jom pergi Bersih 2.0. Bawak gasoline, lighter, KITA BAKO JE!!" Lol.

and I quote, "...when PM visited London there's bunch of people, Malaysian and locals shouted 'shame Najib' and now, shame on them, because they had to spend so much money on weapons to stop the riot, while we spend a little on tear gas..."

For Bersih, ada je penjual complain their sales ruined and rugi, etc. Tapi takdelah terbakar, kan? Okay la kan?

Once again, aku bukan pro mana-mana. This is what I see.

And thus, that concludes, I don't like that person's speech.

Bayangkan dia duduk preach orang macam tu, and the hall majority on indians, some chinese, handful of malays. Their age is around mine. Ni nak brainwash kitorang ke bang?

2nd person, speech dia mantap. He has skills! Although if you hear his name, you'd probably go, "Ah, mamat ni!" dengan tak puas hati. I don't know what he has done, but his speech is really good.

He said youth should really get into matters to make 2020 vision work. You don't have to support the opposition or the government to do that. Yes! He also said, do not believe everything you read, whether it's from the government or the opposition, or even, anything. Agree~ He also mentioned that it's okay for overseas student to do internship overseas instead of in Malaysia but after a few years, come back to Malaysia. He knows we youngsters wanna run from these politics crap. He did mentioned that he's not gonna ask us to love the government because they have helped you so much. Lebih kurang lah. I can't remember what he said more, but more or less, he might just say things we wanna hear. Haha.

Whatever it is, this is how you attract people. Not by worshiping whoever's in charge and trash the opposition. Frankly, most of us didn't care. It's the age where we wanna run from these things.

Tiba-tiba aku terfikir, memang bukan senang nak tadbir sesebuah negeri.

Dengan nak jana ekonomi negara, dengan duit agak overflow untuk orang atasan, dengan hubungan diplomatik.

Bukan senang, bukan aku bermaksud apa. Aku bermaksud, bukan senang nak lari / atasi dugaan tu.

Bayangkan, ekonomi down, and the only way to make fast money is night clubs. Yang lain tu boleh tapi lambat.

Apa kau buat?

Ekonomi down ni. Rakyat dah nak buat demo dah. Keputusan kau?

That's why aku yakin, kalau cara pentadbiran macam khalifah, or even zaman Rasulullah S.A.W, everything would be okay.

Macam-macamkan Allah uji semua orang.

Kita senang nak cakap orang tu tak pandai buat ini dan itu. Kita pandai ke?

*diam*



Lailatul Qadr

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

alhamdulillah. hari ni dah masuk hari ke 21 Ramadhan. nampak gayanya orang ramai sibuk membeli-belah untuk raya nanti. sayangnya, Ramadhan yang ada di depan mata, Syawal yang nun jauh di sana juga yang dinampak. ni dah macam gajah depan mata tak nampak, kuman di sebelah rumah nampak pulak.

"Kalau orang datang rumah kita, mestilah kita jemput masuk yang di depan pintu dulu, baru yang di belakang tu kita jemput masuk." lebih kurang lah, ayat dari solusi.

sangat bersyukur Ramadhan kali ni berbeza dengan tahun lepas. perbezaan yang positif. rasa bertuah dapat nampak apa yang orang ramai tak nampak - keberkatan Ramadhan tu.

wa ma adro kama lailatul qadr? apakah itu lailatul qadar?
lailatul qadri khairummin alfi shahr. lailatul qadar itu lebih baik dari 1000 bulan.

"Orang bukan nak kejar lailatul qadar, orang sibuk nak kejar lailatul Kamdar." Akmal, coretan jalanan.

ada 9 hari lagi untuk kita mengejar segala macam kebaikan untuk bekalan 11 bulan akan datang. sebab apa? pada bulan ini, dan especially 10 yang terakhir, akan digandakan semua pahala.

cuba bayangkan Kamdar buat crazy sale. confirm semua generasi -- dari moyang sampai ke cicit akan serbu Kamdar. Ramadhan ni lagi hebat. kita semua tak nak serbu dan rebut peluang tu ke? kalau pergi Kamdar, barang dia limited. balasan Allah, unlimited. takkan habis, kerana Dia maha pemurah, maha besar, maha agung!

untuk effect yang terbaik, kejarlah keranaNya dan bukanlah untuk fadhilatnya.

jom kita kejar sampai dapat. ;)


on a personal note;
I'm truly grateful I went to RSSR. one of the most valuable moments indeed. I've no regret, but one--for leaving the program for a while to do something that is insignificant.

insyaAllah, next week I'll be at pre-departure russia-ireland-uk at pwtc, helping out my umno people. plus, I wanna check out whether any of my friends will be there. I'm not going back to that club, I don't like what I've become when I'm in the club. lagha semacam. with these people in the club, they just give me a major headache. sometimes it feels like i'm mothering naughty kids. yeah -_-"

but then again, Allah will never burden me with what I can't handle.

so, have faith.

"If you see an injustice ACT on it, and if you can't, then SPEAK on it, and if you can't then FEEL it with your heart, because that's the WEAKEST form of faith, but at least that's a start."


edit : apakah tips untuk bangun qiam?

lain orang, lain ragam lah kan? personally I'm the type who is so difficult to wake up, because I love to sleep. -_-" but, try these tips, see whether it helps.
  1. tidur awal. kalau dah cukup tidur, senang nak bangun.
  2. set alarm yang kuat, pastu letak jauh sikit, so that kalau nak matikan alarm tu you have to wake up. haaa!
  3. drink plenty of water. besides helping your dehydration problems, you'd be waking up to go to the toilet. ta-da~ :p
  4. jangan tidur dalam keadaan terlalu selesa. confirm susah nak bangun.
  5. suruh mak/ayah kejutkan. in my case, ayah. sebab dia kejutkan FUHH terus bangun!
  6. having a newborn around you helps. my niece, a 4months old selalu nangis nak susu time2 4am. so. terbangun la jugak. hahah.
actually kan, paling penting lah, sebelum tidur, niat nak bangun qiam. at least dah niat kalau pun tak terbangun. that's 1 point there, folks. pastu, doa sikit (bebanyak pun boleh) minta Allah permudahkan untuk bangun nanti. :)

speaking of sleep...
Allah memegang jiwa (orang) ketika matinya dan (memegang) jiwa (orang) yang belum mati di waktu tidurnya; maka Dia tahanlah jiwa (orang) yang telah Dia tetapkan kematiannya dan Dia melepaskan jiwa yang lain sampai waktu yang ditetapkan[1]. Sesungguhnya pada yang demikian itu terdapat tanda- tanda kekuasaan Allah bagi kaum yang berfikir.
(Surah az-Zumar 39 :42)

that's why orang kata bila kita tidur, kita mati seketika. kerana Allah menahan jiwa kita. bila kita bangun, kenapa kita baca "alhamdulillahil ladzi ahyana ba'da ma amatana wailaihinnushur" yang bermaksud : Segala puji hanya milik Allah yang telah menghidupkan kami setelah sebelumnya mematikan kami, dan hanya kepada-Nya-lah kita kembali. Sebab apa? sebab Allah dah bagi kita peluang untuk hidup -- bukan bagi peluang nak repeat our mistakes, Dia beri peluang untuk kita repent.

i was told it is best that, before tidur tu kita muhasabah diri.

yakinkah kita boleh bangun esok?

adakah esok masih ada untuk kita?

wallahu'alambithawab.

Older than my age.

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

I get this all the time.

Everyone does not think that I'm 20. By right, I do not even turn 20 yet.

Kak Husna has told me that I'm matured for my age and I do look matured, thus I do not look 20.

Okay, I'm taking that as a compliment.

"Where do you stay?"
"Block 2D"
"Oh, with your husband?"
"No, I live with my parents."
*wide eyes, shocked.*

Yeah, what a 25-year-old do living with her parents? No, lady, I'm not married, and I'm 20. Ehem.

"Who do you have usrah with?"
"Kak Husna."
"Kak Husna???"
"Yeah, she was born in '88."
"And you?"
"Erm, 91?"
"No wonder! You look matured!"

Kak Farihin, wondering why did I call kak Husna, 'kak'. Hahah

and the day when I wore my contact lenses; a lady said :
"Do you go to school here?"
"Err, nope. :)"

Oh, do I look younger without my spectacles? Hahahah

Anyway, I believe that my mature look is a factor why I don't get duit raya anymore.

Not that I'm complaining, rezeki itu ditanganNya.

Mama said it's the height factor that makes people think I am older than my age.

A man who is selling whatever he is selling, clearly older than me :
"Kak, nak beli ____ tak? Kak mari sini kak..."

Honestly, I rather him calls me kakak than calls me 'adik'. Geli kot kalau lelaki tak berkenaan panggil adik.


"Adik tinggi!"
"Kakak...rendah?"
"Heyyy~"

Lol, kak Shitekk. She's so cute, and she does look younger than me.

"Berapa lama lagi kat sana?"
"Lama lagi aih, 5 tahun.."
"Uih lamanya!"

"Sya year berapa?"
"1st year..."
"Laa, ingatkan Sya dah 4th year!"

Yeah, yeah.

*looks at Kak Farhana who told that she has graduated recently; pointed to me*
"Ni pun dah grad jugak eh?"

Hoho, how I wish.

Medical term pun aku tak tahu.

Family dah ingat aku doctor tak boleh pakai.

Alasan aku : baru nak masuk 2nd year!

HAHA

Oh well.


Kids

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

abang : aku tak tahu macamana kau boleh layan Melor
me : why?
abang : kitorang had this idea yang kau tak suka...
me : ...kids? yeah, i don't like kids.
abang : haa. tapi aku tengok kau dengan Melor ok je. macamana kau boleh tolerate budak kecik tu aku pun tak tahu.
me : dia kan kecik lagi
abang : hmm, ok. tapi tak explain macamana kau boleh layan dia.
me : i don't know, dia kecik lagi so tak banyak ragam kot? macam Hadif tu mana ada adik (me) layan sangat.
abang : yeah
haha. dah lah previous post was about marriage, and now, kids?

aiih, takde la drama mana pun. he was right though, i don't like kids. i think i've made it very clear although i have never say it out loud.

i'm the last child, so you get the idea. when i was little, when i saw mama or ayah holding someone else's baby i get jealous. i don't play with little kids, babies, i tend to avoid them. i didn't even care about them because usually there's other people who does. so. yeah.

Melor is my 2nd niece but the first one, Azizah is always away so I don't 'talk' to her that often too. plus, i think she's scared of me. ahaha. Melor is always at home so you can't ignore her, right? LOL.

nah, i think i just need time to really get to know someone, even if it's a baby. so it takes time for me to really go and tolerate with one.

that's how bad i am with kids.

hey but i was and still am excited for baby boy from my sister!

heheheehe


Marriage

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

On an quite irrelevant post today, I think I'm seeing things in positive way. Which is really good.

Okay, first of all, I'm not getting married. The jokes of me being the next in line to get married is never funny. -_-" I'm gonna wait for my cousin sisters to get married first. :p

Lately asyik jumpa pasal kahwin-kahwin ni. Maklumlah, sebelum Ramadhan banyak juga kenduri kahwin a.k.a walimah. Mama talked about her friend's daughter who just graduated and will be starting her HO soon and getting married on October. She's a 4.0 student. *terbatuk kejap* Pandai oh!

Plus, that short story of aiman azlan about marriage also. Hmm, marriage!

No lah, it's just that, I somehow think that marriage is a beautiful thing. Serious! Looking at married couple, and how sweet they can be. No matter how sweet you are with your bf/gf, I don't see it, I still think married couple are the sweetest, ftw. Haha. I'm just saying. Looking at kakak-kakak that are married, so sweet lah even though they did not show any of it.

Excuse me, it's just that I believe love after marriage and not before it. So, yeah. :P

I also believe that marriage is not a matter where you can force someone into. If the person think that she's not ready, then don't push it. Or else you'd have the celebrity marriage style. Married for 3 months, divorced. La la la. Maybe everyone is just pressured to be married while you yourself is not ready. Bear in mind that divorce is hated by Allah.

Kesederhanaan tu penting untuk walimah. Kalau aku yang kahwin, jangan harap nak buat grand-grand. Haha. Bazir duit je. What's the point if you have 'wedding of the year' thing if your marriage don't last? Call me kuno or whatever, I still think it's best to have a simple wedding. Oh and please, avoid upacara tepur tawar, baling2 beras kuning, upacara batal air sembahyang or whatever do people usually do in weddings. Islam has never taught us that.

The other day saw kak Enal's post about "happiness". She said something like this :
"Kunci bahagia itu ada pada Dia maka carilah Dia terlebih dahulu sebelum mncari si 'dia'."
Yeah.

So true. If one day I'd be married, I want to be with the person who has the same ambition as me; that is to get to ustaziatul alam level.

*berangan*

For now, let's bercinta with Him. Hehe. Ramadhan is a golden opportunity to grab His love! While stock last**

Lol, kidding. His love and mercy for us is unlimited kot.

#sorrytaklawak


Fidyah, oh Fidyah

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

Fidyah -- macam nama orang je kan?

Tahukah anda apa itu fidyah? Rasa macam pernah belajar untuk SPM dulu. Haha. Memang pun!

Aku kena bayar fidyah tahun ni. Tahniah kepada aku. -_-

Kenapa kena bayar? Ehem, macam tak tahu. Disebabkan tak habis ganti lagi puasa Ramadhan lepas, dan sekarang ni dah Ramadhan baru, aku diwajibkan bayar fidyah.

Mama : Tu lah, kenapa tak ganti awal-awal macam mama. Kan dah kena bayar...
Me : Bukan tak nak ganti, awal-awal dulu puasa dah, tapi jadi puasa sunat sebab dah lepas subuh baru nak niat. Kan kalau qada' puasa kena niat sebelum subuh / malam sebelum tu macam puasa Ramadhan.
Mama : Laa. (aku tahu mak aku dah speechless dah dengar cerita aku)

Hahaha

Seriously. Banyak puasa aku dulu jadi puasa sunat. Tersangatlah rugi, kan? Aku selalu terlupa nak puasa the next day, till dah lepas subuh, or pagi-pagi nak pergi kelas. Ye lah kan, sesetengah orang cakap niat tak semestinya melafazkan "Sahaja aku berpuasa esok hari, blablablabla", cukup sekadar "hmm, esok aku nak ganti puasa hari tu la. lillahita'ala". Dah aku jenis pelupa, memang tu pun aku tak teringat nak buat. Dah pagi nak pergi kelas baru lah sedar, terkedek-kedek nak niat.

Kawan : Tak payahlah nak kejarkan sangat puasa sunat, habiskan yang wajib dulu (which is qada' puasa)

T.T

Dah lah dengan dugaan winter yang malamnya panjang, dengan summer yang siangnya panjang.

Nasi sudah menjadi bubur.

Lepas ni aku mesti ganti sebelum Muharram tiba!

Info sikit :
Fidyah dibayar ikut harga secupak beras. Ada beberapa jenis beras, ada yang mahal sikit (sikit je, beza beberapa sen je) Ikut korang lah nak pilih nak beras jenis apa. Lepas tu darab dengan jumlah hari anda tertinggal. Kalau 4 hari, bayaran darab 4 lah. Lepas bayar fidyah diwajibkan qada' puasa tu jugak. Kalau 4 hari, ganti puasa 4 hari. So. Kalau kumpul bebanyak, kena qada' jugak, kena bayar jugak. Aku serik dah ni.

Tapi ni kes macam aku lah, tak habis ganti puasa Ramadhan lepas, Ramadhan yang ni dah tiba. Kalau kes lain, kena refer dekat Jabatan Agama untuk keterangan lebih jelas. Call je diorang. Tanya je. Kalau dorang tak boleh jawab dia akan suruh orang lain jawab, so kena tunggu la kat telefon tu. Jangan give up, haha.

Adoi.

Mudah-mudahan Allah mengampuni kesilapan kita.

Jangan jadi macam aku. Sekian.







berani kerana benar.

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

"Biasakan dengan yang benar, bukan benarkan yang biasa."

Kalau ada yang nak kata aku 'macam ni' dan 'macam tu', sedangkan aku yakin aku berada di jalan yang benar, aku takkan goyah. insyaAllah.






Irrelephant

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

"Anything that doesn't related to Elephant is called 'Irrelephant'."

Nice.

Now, let's talk about something irrelephant today.

I realised that this summer I've been trying to spend time with my family. Which is going great. I had one on one session with ma and ayah seperately. My 2 nieces are growing up and I'll be a getting a nephew soon. I feel so blessed, really. :)

It's just that, I only decided to see my friends a week after I came back. I met Dana. Okay, more like Dana came to see me, haha. We had late dinner. Few days after that I went to see the rest of the gang. Teri, Sasa, Man Kit, Chai Theng. and incidently, Ken. Casey's not back yet, so, yeah. They didn't know about my return, which makes sense because I don't tell anyone I'm coming home -- except to those who asked. Anyhow, Chai Theng asked me when I was back and I told her it was a week ago and she was like, "And now only we get to see you?!" Hahaha. :P

I mean, I don't know. I like and love my family time, even though it doesn't feel much like it.

I didn't even contact my friends much since I got back. I mean, I smsed who? Mainly my family, and my Kursk friends. Hahaha!

Point is, I don't feel like calling anyone. I'm having changes in my life, and you know, trying to restrict my life to things that matters and that are right to me. I don't wanna put my life to waste with something insignificant. It's just that, I need to do some adjusting with my life.

Sadly, my high school friends are mostly boys. I've mentioned being friends with boys makes life easier, less emotional stuff I'll go through. But the thing is now, I gotta stop being out with boys, because you know, it's not right. Being all non-muhrim and all. Like I said, I'm gonna make some changes. I know if I was my old-self I'll be out with the boys lepaking here and there.

Plus, I've lost 'connection' with most of my friends here because of the distance we had when I was in Russia. It's really nice to have someone to relate to even when you're away and when you came back they'll be around and most importantly when they really care. I know who are these people in my life and I'm keeping in touch with them. I mean, let's face it, not every one will bother your return and it's just another year and they go, "Oh, yeah, she's back. Let's hang out and catch up like I care what you do." No, I don't dig that.

I don't need people who don't give a damn about me. I'll just concentrate to the people who actually cares, thank you.

Irrelephant. That's genius. Who came up with that?!

#nowplaying Outlandish - Triumf

Aurat

First of all, I'd like to explain the difference of wearing hijab and covering your aurat (for the girls).

I'd like to ask you, do you remember what we've learnt in school?

What is the aurat for a woman with her ajnabi or with her non-mahram?

Wait, what is ajnabi and mahram? :\

Mahram is for woman is basically her dad, mom, siblings, kids, husband. You know, when she touches them her wuduk is still 'valid'.

Non-mahram is every other people besides the mahram.

Non-mahram is called ajnabi. It's the same thing. :)

So, yeah. What is the aurat for a woman with her ajnabi or her non-mahram?

Every parts of her body except for face and 2 hands -- that is from her wrist to her fingers.

So, wearing only hijab without covering all other aurat, does not means you have covered your aurat. I know there's a lot of cases where the hijab girls wear sandals and their feet got exposed. So, you know what that is. They did wear hijab but they didn't cover all their aurat yet.

There was a point where I thought covering aurat is just covering your hair. This is WRONG.

A woman's aurat is everything except her face and her 2 hands.

Let me ask you, why did we wear telekung to pray? Because it covers everything, except our face. Our hands doesn't need to cover but if it does, why not? So, when you pray and your hand is exposed, it is alright, as long it doesn't expose more than the wrist part.

Yes, there was a point where I thought we need to cover our ALL our hands during prayers. No, we don't. If the wrist part till the fingers got exposed, it's okay. Why? Because when we pray we need to cover our aurat, and woman's aurat is every parts of her body except for face and 2 hands.

Please remember that Allah ask us to cover our aurat, not just to wear hijab.

A friend asked me, why did woman wears hijab?

Well, they might wear for many reasons. Parents, friends, university rules, just because, etc.

I can't tell you exactly why they do that, you gotta ask that person personally.

Maybe I can tell you why woman needs to cover themselves.

Covering aurat is defined like covering your shame. Why bother to wear clothes at all? You wanna cover yourself so you won't feel ashamed right? It's the same thing.

It is also for your own protection. I'm pretty sure a man can get turn on easily with woman who doesn't cover her aurat, right? Plus, man has very interesting imagination. Even with a slight glance on a woman's aurat he can fantasize about things -- which is a sin. So, by covering your aurat you can prevent other people from sinning. It also can prevents from fitnah to happen.

Above all, Allah ask us to cover ourselves, it's part of Islam and He'll loves us if we do so. Isn't that enough? :)
"You're wrong, hijab women are more prone to danger. All the victims of acid man are hijab women."
Don't tell me we gotta stop wearing hijab to be safe. Who tells you that? If the world's gonna end in 2012, it will if Allah wants to.

Every thing happens for a reason. You wouldn't know, maybe one of the acid man victim is mean to her mother. I'm just saying. I don't know. Allah is all-Knowing.
"Not every hijab woman are holy! Look at me, I'm free haired and I pray everyday."
So it might be true. At least she tried to be one, by wearing hijab. That's a start. And you, you started with praying. That's good.
"It's too hot here. Are you crazy?! How am I suppose to cover myself?"
Like a vlogger said, even if you wear skimpy clothes and short pants, you'd still feel the warmth and hot air. What is the difference then? Just remember that, no matter how hot the weather is, think about how hot Hell is.
"I can't do it, I haven't gotten any 'hidayah' yet."
Hidayah is everywhere. Allah is all-Giving, He puts hidayah everywhere. You gotta search for it. I mean, when you're thirsty you don't wait for the water to come to you right? You gotta look for water. If you truly seek for hidayah, insyaAllah you'll found it.

You don't have to be an ustazah to wear a long hijab. It's cliche to think that only ustazah do so. There's a case where an English teacher is mistaken as ustazah by a primary school children, just because she wore a long hijab.

Who says only ustazahs are going to heaven? All of us are entitled to heaven, insyaAllah as long we do the things that are Allah loves.

InsyaAllah, if we seek for His love, He'll loves us too.

:)

-

Aku tak tau macamana nak luahkan perasaan ni.

ceyy ayat, bajet habis.

tapi seriously, this is madness. i need to get this out my chest.

I seriously hate the tv shows in Malaysia. Especially those on Astro Channels.

THERE. I've said it.

Why?

Because it is full of sampah sarap yang busuk menusuk hidung.

First of all, KILAUAN EMAS. whadhupp with that? Ala-ala AF tapi untuk orang tua-tua? (mengikut pemahaman sendiri about the show) sebab aku tak nak tengok show tu, geli, malu dan bermacam-macam perasaan ada.

Ingatkan bila dah makin berumur, makin ada usaha nak dekat denganNya. I'm not saying that we as teenagers need to wait till we're like 50 to actually seek for God but, USUALLY, when we're aging we tend to look for Him because we're tired of the world. Ini tak, macam dah world end aku rasa. Seram ok. It's like they're trying to make their old dreams come true. Yea lah, AF tu untuk budak2 muda.

Okay?

Whatever shows berkaitan with dancing. Dari dulu yang sehati berdansa tu aku dah rasa tak sedap dah. Mari Menari ke. Showdown ke. Whadhupp la? SEMUANYA nak tiru orang barat. Silap-silap hari bulan kau tiru show "16 & Pregnant" tu. Naa kan, macam tak tau kat Malaysia ni banyak kes buang bayi. Jangan nanti ada yang tampil ke hadapan dan bagi solution ni :
Bagi mengelakkan kes pembuangan bayi makin berleluasa, kita buat realiti tv yang bertajuk '16 dan mengandung' supaya mereka ni ada sense utk tanggungjawab kat baby tu

MALAYSIAN, Y U NO THINK?

Betul kata-kata seseorang tu (aku tak ingat siapa) yang kata kita sebenarnya tak merdeka pun. Sebab fikiran dan mentality kita serupa dengan orang barat.

Arak? cool.

Pre-marital sex? cool.

Sexy? cool.

Drugs? cool.

Clubbing? cool.

Who says these things are super cool? It's all up to you man. If you think these things are cool, then 'cool' it will be. Kalau kau bukak minda sikit, kau akan fikir, apa kejadahnya benda ni buat kat body aku? Arak and drugs rosakkan minda and judgment, pre-marital sex & being sexy buat aku macam murahan, clubbing yang kononnya nak release tension tu seronok sementara je.

If you are doing these things to get away your problem, let me tell you a fact, you can never run away from your problem. Makin lari darinya, makin dikejar. Problems won't go away if you don't sit down and settle them. Kalau judgement samar-samar camana nak settle betul2?

ok, aku dah detour habis jauh dah.

back to tv shows.

tv shows plays important role in one's life sbb semua benda kat tv 'cool'. tengok laki caring sikit dgn awek, terus si perempuan nak laki camtu. boo. (contoh je lah) then, tv kalau dah tunjuk benda2 sampah, menjadi sampah la masyarakat tu KALAU dia tidak berpikir.

again, MALAYSIAN, Y U NO THINK?

judgement kita lemah, tak boleh nak beza mana satu ok dan tak ok. even kita tau, kita tak follow, sbb kita lemah.

aku kalau ada anak aku tak nak anak aku tengok tv. huhu. nanti rosak. anak-anak kecik asyik ikut tagline celebrity AF. wow so cool. so comel. SO ROSAK.

ape anak kau dpt if dia ikut2 AF, nak jadi celebrity, jadi artis.

ada satu show kat mtv tu dia train anak dia dari kecik utk jadi celebrity. ohmy. americans. desperate nak anak dia famous. pastu dia famous then what? oh im sorry, we are talking about getting gazzilions of money cos of being famous.

yeah 'who says money cant buy happiness?'

sure. it can, but bukan eternal happiness. keseronokan yang sekejap, pastu duit habis, happiness pun habis. kalau we find a deeper meaning about life, that's like the ultimate happiness.

ok. detour teruk dah.

done for the day.

post-reading

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

All I can say after reading my old entries, I had seriously anger management problems and I was one of heck emo kid. Seriously emo. Like, I-hate-my-life, I-hate-my-parents, blablabla. Aku pun tak tau apa jadi. Padahal entry paling lama pun 2008. 3 tahun tu. So many changes in 3 years.


and all those high school drama. makes me feel like uni life is rather boring, hahaha.


Alhamdulillah I have become a more decent person. I now proudly state, I LOVE my parents. and life is great. :)

and I'd like to share a link on a blogger, quite famous lah. He has good point this time. Hear him out.


I'm still laughing at myself. My old self, writing those meaningless entries. Adoii, nasib aku jadi insan baguih sikit. Kalau aku terpele'ot dan sungkur? Ya Allah, syukur, aku masih di sini.

top of the world

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

Alhamdulillah, dapat jejak lagi di tanah airku.

I've been sitting around my home, doing nothing significant. I did write down my to do list. Most of them requires me to go out of the house and frankly, I don't feel like it. I like my home. It's too comfortable to go out. Despite the hot weather, (mind you, the sun directly shines through our huge window panes) I still love it. Plus, watching Ma and Ayah entertained by baby Melor. It's a bless. *tearing* They are so GOOD with kids! I mean, just look at them handling baby Melor and other kids of our relatives. It seems like they've done it so many times. Come to think of it, they had us 3 as their kids. So. Yeah. Baby Melor is 5kg now. That's pretty heavy for a 3 months old. Her cheeks are like pao. I'm gonna eat it soon. :)

I feel so glad that my parents are not 'bored' anymore since now Melor is around. I was so worried with them being alone, bored. Looking at each other and wander around the house. Lol. It's good that Melor's here. Abang and Kak Wani will come here more often. It's like we're holding their baby for hostage. *evil laugh* Nah, just kidding.

Back to the real world, it's eerie out there. I don't feel like going out at all. I don't know where to go. Bosan kot pi shopping mall. Pi makan = buang duit. Tengok wayang = buang duit. Pi main games = buang duit. Bowling = definitely no no. Absolutely buang duit. Nak buat apa lah pi mall? Bosan I tell you. Looking at Teri's album on Bukit Gasing, macam menarik. Dapat tengok alam. Hoih, I wanna go see the beach, the trees, the wonderful seas! Haa ni kurang buat duit. Hihi. Tapi buang duit minyak lah. Haha.

I think I'm gonna go stay with grandma soon. I think she'll love that.

Oh I feel like baking! But we have no oven! I feel like cooking to but I can't cook at home, well, actually I can but I don't like to cook for other people when I know they can cook better. Hehehe. Tadi masak nasi lemak jap sebab craving and didn't get the chance to eat since I came back. I said I wanted to cook only for me. Then Mama mcm, hinting. I'm like, yeah sure I can cook some extra but if it's not edible than it's not my problem. Hahah. Well. Aku bantai ja la. I'm the type that when I cook, I can eat my cooking. Really. I'm not picky. :D

Can't wait for CAMP! and I feel like going pre-departure. And Kak Wan's wedding. and Ramadhan! Indahnya nikmat. :)

Bee-tee-dubs, I did the I'm-so-emo-I-want-to-cut-my-own-hair.

The regrets are kicking in right about... NOW.

pasrah

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

it's done.
what's done is done.
I'm pretty much prepared for what I'll get tomorrow but I know I screwed up. I didn't study well.

no one to blame but myself.

why can't I learn my lesson? this is not the first time i've been through this.

WEAK.

-________-

tau dah nak exam tapi tak study betul2. memang carik pasal la. pastu nak emo, salahkan diri.

sesal kemudian memang langsung tak guna.





therapy.

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

just when i said one day i'll bake, it turned out to be today. but it was for khadeejah & adnin mostly, bcos they wanted it. and i was like, ok lah, got the ingredients from khadeejah that bebby left behind and its not that hard to bake butter cake. this time i made it 3 colors, red, orange, yellow. :) did little experiment by sprinkling those strawberry powders on top. haha. it was just a small amount of cake, i didn't get to give everyone. sorry.

i figured out that baking could be my therapy. i'd feel better after doing so, even when the cake turned out to be a disaster. i don't really eat them, i just kinda like baking them when i'm in the mood. and yeah, i'm in the mood -- i should be out studying but i don't feel like it. baking is a good therapy!

and made dinner super banyak. homemade pizza. it's gonna be our breakfast tmrw, sasa. haha. it's my therapy too. its fun lah. its a bonus if it tastes good.

the day before did a little clean up. a little. cos im super lazy. ha.

conclusion : cooking and cleaning are a good therapy! one should try it when one not in a mood!

getting personal

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

warning, personal blog post.

aku rasa mcm dah habis exam. no, belum lagi habis. satu lagi paper. satu lagi! tapi mood hilang. biasalah. towards the end rasa mcm maaaaaaaaaaaaalas semacam. ugh. harap2 esok aku boleh start kumpul mood. lepas exam latin semalam terus rasa mcm bingung2 sikit. haha. alhamdulillah, so far all the exams i did okay. (ma, ayah, just okay ya. no excellent or what not) im so grateful sebenarnya. kalau nak ukur usaha aku, memang tak setimpal, rasa sangat sangat tak deserve apa yang dapat tapi syukur, Tuhan tu Maha Pemurah. insyaAllah inilah yang terbaik buatku.

aku dah berfikir. kalau-kalau aku diuji dgn fail exam, macamana reaction aku? aku rasa aku rilek je. percaya yang itu terbaik untuk aku. yang melenting mak bapak la. haha. tu aku risau. apa aku nak cakap. "ma, i failed. okbye". confirm dia kasi cancel aku punya extra club activities kat sini. byebye UMNO. HAHA. dah byebye pun. sangat tawar hati dengan reaction si kawan. haih. apa nak jadi.

semalam rasa sangat sangat gembira, bukan sebab result exam ke apa.

1st, i went to a shop with sasa & niza and nampak kasut that are actually my type. idk why there's like super duper excitement there. saya dan sasa happy!! lama tak rasa mcm tu. haha. tgk je la. nak beli tu ada tapi rasanya tak kot. kasut kamu tu banyak, syahaneez. -___-

2nd, went to 5th hostel, jumpa dgn family bahagian sana. <333 i realised that ive been missing them so much! takde hal lah naik tangga 9 tingkat utk korang. LOL. tapi lift, jgnlah lama2 sgt rosak. :/

then 3rd, join sekejap usrah sii ima. hehe menyibuks. rindu untuk berusrah. duduk & share. :)

4th, skype ramai2 with kak farhana who was in st pete. bestnya. lepaskan rindu~

5th, talking to my usrahmate. yeap. *hugs*

6th, this is actually uhm, lagha sikit. uno sessions with them. aha

sangat sangat <3 i just feel so happy. alhamdulillah alhamdulillah alhamdullilah.

dan hari ni sasa and minah gave me cakes! i love people who give me cakes. hehehehe. jazakillah sasa. jazakillah minah. nanti my turn to bake pula. ;P

feel so blessed. just hope i won't go astray. huhu.


photo


In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.


from left : roommate kedua, roommate pertama, roommate keempat, roommate ketiga.



from left : sya, eli, kak husna, kak farhana, khadeejah



usrah, merupakan perkataan arab yang bermaksud keluarga. inilah sebahagian keluargaku di Kursk. <3

yeap.

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

who knew when you're about to do something good you'll get really sleepy?
and when you're about to do something bad you'll get super awake?

yeah. satan's in da house yo. messing with you whenever you wanna do good.

simple example;
i wanna study. but as soon as i hold my notes, i get really sleepy. ok. note to self, read lotsa doa beforehand. mhmm.

and when i wanna online, just browsing websites, random youtube videos, i could stay awake till 3 in the morning. what the????

i don't like this feeling.

a'uzubillahiminashaitonirrajimmmmmmmmmmmmm.
aku berlindung kepada Allah, dari syaitan yang direjam.


happy studying people.

3 more weeks to home.

i'm too excited for that.

haha.

alrighty then.


PS : there you go, a post from yours truly after months. happy? :)




salahkah aku bercinta?

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

NOTE : aku tak rasa title relevant dengan post ni. just... random. hahahaha.

Soalan : Kenapa cerita / drama "Islamic" kat Malaysia selalunya kaitkan dengan cinta antara kaum Adam & kaum Hawa?

"Hanya Tuhan sahajalah yang tahu betapa aku rindunya dia.."

"Ya Allah, janganlah kau pisahkan aku dari dia. Aku terlalu mencintainya.."

"Alhamdullilah, aku dapat juga berjumpa dengannya setelah lama merindu.."

and PALING la favourite ve mire ayat ni! (ve mire = in the world)
"Jodoh kita di tangan Tuhan, kita hanya mampu merancang, tapi Tuhanlah yang menentukannya.."
something like that lah. aku tak pandai nak buat ayat jiwang, ketahuilah bahawa aku tak pernah bercinta dan aku geli dengan ayat-ayat macam ni. dan aku sangatlah jarang tengok drama-drama macam ni. sangatlah allergi ye. *can pengsan oh!*

takkan la pasal cinta2 ni dah tak tau nak mintak kat sapa, kita mintak kat Allah. ok la, tak kata yang mintak kat Tuhan tu salah tapi kan, pasal benda lain terus alpa pada Tuhan, tak baguih na?

pastu jodoh di tangan tu. cannot go la dei! (tak boleh bla) sebab sebenarnya semuaaa la ditentukan Tuhan. bukan jodoh je ye. mati bila, makan cukup ke tak (rezeki) semuanya dah ditentukan.

ok. cukup!

macamana ntah boleh terpikiaq nak tulis pasal ni. oh ya, pasai lirik lagu Hujan - Walaupun Jauh la.
Siapa yang bertuah memiliki mu
Tuan empunya sang bidadari itu

Bolehkah aku menyentuh kulitmu itu
Agar ku bisa merasakan syurga seketika waktu

Tiada kata yang dapat ku lafaz kan untuk mu
Biarkan diriku terbang jauh
Ini bukan mimpi walau dalam tidurku ini
Biarkan aku mendekati mu - walaupun jauh

Namun kurasakan memang jauh
Jarak antara kita berdua Tuhan saja yang tahu
tolong lah ye. macam apa je aku baca lirik dia yang 2nd paragraph tu. terus menyesal pi download album dorang. haha nda bha. tapi seriously, perlu ke nak sentuh2 kulit ni. berkarya la pun tapi.. hahaha. ok. tetiba rasa aku macam haters pulak. *we got some haters in the club~~~*

ketahuilah bahawa relationship between non-muhrim, yakni ajnabi, ada batasannya. kalau dah tacing2 (touching) ni, haihlaaa, macamana? mula-mula ye la tacing2, pastu holding2 pastu.... hang pikiaq la sendiri.

just wanna let you know that, bila kita buat benda salah ada beberapa tahap. it applies on anything yang salah la.

tahap pertama ;
first time nih buat salah. tu dia! takut bukan main. tapi dah kena influence orang lain ataupun terasa nak buat salah kan, buat je la. lepas dah buat tu PUUUUUUNYA la rasa bersalah. nangis2 ke. rasa berdebar-debar pula.

tahap kedua ;
buat lagi. sebab dah pernah buat, rasa nak buat lagi. pastu rasa gak la bersalah tapi dah rilek. boleh gelak-gelak lagi sebab rasa cuak. he he *gelak cuak*

tahap ketiga ;
buat lagi benda yang sama. haih ok ja pun? takde pun rasa bersalah? laa apahal laaa selama ni rasa bersalah sangat? rilek la bro!

tahap keempat = chronic ;
WOOHOO bestnya! aku adalah orang yang bebas! (translation dari "I'm a free man!!") alriiiight, bro!

MY DEAR! *style orang russian* kalau dah namanya benda tu SALAH, how good you feel doing so but dia tetap salah. cuma korang je rasa okay. sebab layer ketebalan muka tu dah cukup baiiiiik sampai apa yang salah pun tak rasa salah.

kita TAHU benda tu salah, tapi still buat. sebab apa? dah takde dah rasa malu nak buat salah tu. muka tebal dah. ketahuilah takde product kat kedai boleh kasi nipis muka korang. hohoho

last but not least,
hampa pikiaq lah sendiri!


PS : sorry, banyak dah campur bahasa. utara selatan timur dan barat. malas nak tulis proper. xde mood.

sayang

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

lama tak menaip. terlalu lama, sampaikan hampir lupa akan kewujudan blog ni. afwan, bukannya apa, cuma sibuk dengan itu dan ini. topik kali ini, adalah topik yang sering bermain difikiranku.

sayang. aku pasti semua ada idea mereka sendiri apabila ditanya, apa itu "sayang".

soalan : betul ke kalau cakap je sayang tapi tak tunjukkan yang kita sayang, ertinya kita tak sayang?

in my opinion, tak jugak. silap, in my case, tak. sebab aku memang bukan jenis yang reti nak jaga relationship baik-baik dengan orang. lagi-lagi aku di sini, di negara orang, jauh dari family. boleh kira dengan JARI berapa kali je aku contact mama and ayah dalam SEBULAN.

nak kata aku tak sayang dorang, tak. aku sayang. mama dan ayah aku kot. sangat sayang, selalu disematkan dalam doa harianku. tapi, aku tak call. tak sms. email? hmmm sangat jarang. bila call pun, tak tau nak cakap apa. just tanya this and that. call can last paling lama pun 20 minit. aku tak tau la. aku sangat takut aku sayang mereka bukan fillah. sebab tu jadi macam ni...

sejujurnya, aku sangat cemburu, kawan-kawanku di sini, every week call parents dorang, ada yang setiap hari pun ada. aku? ada satu hari tu aku just call parentsku, tapi masa tak sesuai, mereka sibuk, dan ntah macamana, tak dapat nak cakap lama, so. yeah. entahlah...

rasa bersalah tu ada, sebab masa cuti winter hari tu balik malaysia, tak spend time sangat dengan dorang. 1stly, dorang memang busy with work. and 2nd, aku pun ada things kena settle.

aku rasa kalau boleh aku tak nak sangat contact family, sebab aku akan jadi homesick. dan itu sangat bahaya, can't focus on anything if i'm homesick. and i always focus on other things supaya myself takkan rasa sedih or whatever. mechanism untuk protect diri. hm.

aku sayang dorang. aku bukannya call sebab nak mintak duit. bukannya call sebab aku ada masalah je. dan bukannya...

aku asyik kata aku busy tapi dengan benda lain aku ada je masa. haih.

to be fair, aku tak contact pun siapa2 dari malaysia for few weeks dah. ke dekat sebulan, tak tau. tak ingat. parents pun jarang aku contact. abang? kakak? best friend? kawan2 lain? lagi la.

malasnya layan perasaan.

absurd

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

"Life can sometimes be so absurd." - Outlandish's After every rain fall.

first of all, terima kasih to Aisha Ahmad for the internet cable. my cable is not working. and i'm planning not to take the internet for the next month. seriously not worth paying about rm85 and the speed changes. they said i should get 3mbps but not really, you know. ok lah sometimes it feels like 3mbps, the goodness i get when i downloaded house episodes in less than an hour. :P but yeah maybe this is for my own good.

second of all, i'm still trying to figure out what's up with me. one minute i'm all smiling and the other i'm all frowning. i keep thinking that i might have something huge burdening me but when i really think of it, i don't have it. am i imagining myself to be burdened by something is not real? people think i'm angry with them while i'm actually more angry at myself. reading that article makes me really think, who do i have when i'm all down and below? myself and Him. so i need sometimes to be left alone and gather my courage to move on. oh yeah, i speak of this as if i have something huge going on, but really, i don't. i just think too much. (partly why i hate facebook for putting up "what's on your mind" thing there) in one moment, every single thing was on my mind. i just need to focus on good things, the important things, and the people that matters. scratch that last part, i'm not sure if i can focus on that.

i now know why most of the time i can't be left alone. why i need the crowd, the noise, the people. -- i think too much.

i just have to strongly believe that He has things going on for me for a reason.

and for that, i breathe.

berita.

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

ku fikir mahu ulas tentang berita. berita apa? berita yang terpampang di dada akhbar berita harian. tentang doktor pelatih graduan dari luar negara. terutamanya pelajar dari russia.

...


.....


........


tidakku tahu mahu berkata apa. semalam waktu ku baca tentangnya, banyak pula di kepala. hari ni tiadaku peduli pula. mungkin semalam 'memanas' bilaku mula-mula baca berita tu.

senang cerita, inginku maklumkan, bukan senang ye nak graduate dari russia. dengan dugaan harian menghadapi orang tempatan di sini, dengan sistem pelajaran berbeza dengan di malaysia. ( russia menekankan bahawa mereka mengajar pelajar untuk ilmu, bukan untuk persediaan ke peperiksaan seperti di malaysia ) bagus, tidakku sangkalkan sedikit pun sistem ni. cumanya sudahku terbiasa dengan sistem di malaysia, itu saja.

yang mengkhabarkan bahawa universiti di russia buruk, kerana menerima sebarang sahaja pelajar, tidak menapis, inginku katakan, siapa juga menghantar pelajar ke sini? *agent la siapa lagi* buruk sungguh, kerana wang ringgit, kualiti diabaikan. ini memangku tidak setuju ya. siapa mahu dikaitkan dengan mereka ini? sadisnya.

juga inginku tekankan di sini, bukan senang untuk adaptasi ilmu di dalam otak dan aplikasikannya dalam realiti. itulah gunanya kami perlukan praktikal. dan bagaimana dengan nasib pelajar-pelajar yang tidak berpeluang untuk membuat praktikal di malaysia? praktikal di russia dan di malaysia sangat berbeza ya. tidak semua pelajar dapat sesuaikan diri dengan begitu sahaja.

apa-apa pun, ini hanyalah pendapatku seorang.

buruknya, kerana nila setitik, rosak susu sebelanga.

tidak pula kamu semua mahu memuji doktor pelatih yang bagus. yang buruk dicaci, yang bagus menyepi. hmm.

afwan jika ada terkasar bahasa.

:)

valentine's day.

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

actually, aku tak nak ulas perkara ni. tapi, post-post di news feed facebook buatkan aku nak tulis 1001 perkara.

artikel pengharaman v'day. [link]

i don't know what's going on the news and all, which politician said what, but all i know, they said v'day is haram.

*tarik nafas dalam-dalam*

panjang topic ni.

1) what is the story behind v'day?
some say it's about a love story between a priest and a girl, how their love somewhat forbidden, and he sent to her his love letters, from prison. (i forgot how he ended up there) and somehow he died, without meeting his love.

how true was that story? probably 0.01% -- because it's more a 'fairy tale' rather than reality.

what is the true story behind v'day? i don't know. read wikipedia and you'll find various version. i don't really care anyway.


2) v'day is from christian's belief
in Islam, we're told not to follow anything that resembles another religion. but about v'day comes from christian belief, i don't know how true it is. because, i'm not a christian, and frankly speaking i don't really know what is their point of view on this day. all i know is that v'day is related to saint valentine, a martyr. that's all. there was a recent news, it states that v'day is not a christian celebration -- at least not in malaysia. [link]


my thoughts :
1) v'day is a day where one express their love for another, regardless their lover or their relatives (parents) my say, why should we wait for this one particular day, namely 14 feb, every year just to express our love for them? love should be unconditional.

2) rakyat kita memang suka mengikut. takde pendirian sendiri. agama sendiri diabaikan. kalaulah dari dulu nenek moyang kita sembah berhala (style ala-ala zaman jahiliah) confirm kita pun ikut saja la. lepas tu, tiba-tiba lah ada orang buat announcement, cakap sembah berhala tu salah, semua bising. sebab dah BIASA dengan perkara tu. tiba-tiba nak ubah. mestilah marah.
old habits die hard, you know?

3) "kenapa haramkan v'day? new year tu lagi teruk sampai gaduh2 kat klcc." bagi aku sama je. dua-dua celebration results bad things. kenapa v'day je diharamkan? sebab dah dikata, tak elok celebrate, tiada siapa nak faham. masih celebrate. mereka yang declare benda tu haram, sbb dah tak tau nak buat apa kot. tapi bahayanya, suka suki jatuhkan benda itu ini haram, rakyat fed up. senang cerita kan, explain elok-elok kenapa haram. rakyat sekarang bukan macam dulu, ikut arahan bulat-bulat. aku rasa memang patut benda ni jadi issue, supaya semua orang bukak mata, pasang telinga, tahu what's really going on.

4) "but we're not like, following one's religion or do zina. it's just for fun." couple, kekasih, boyfriend-girlfriend is actually haram. [link] what more to celebrate LOVEY DOVEY day with them. super haram.


my conclusion :
there's no need to celebrate valentine's day.

simply

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

tiba-tiba rasa nak menulis.
atas dasar & reason apa, aku tak pasti.
*melihat ayat tadi, menggelengkan kepala*
ayat rojak aku makin menjadi-jadi. dan menurut mama, ayat bahasa melayu aku pun tak berapa nak betul. sesetengah perkataan aku guna, kurang sesuai dengan keadaan.

aku rindu suasana kursk. sebab kat sana constantly ramai orang. walaupun kadang kala aku perlu untuk bersendirian, I still like the atmosphere. rindu dengan suasana riuh, ramai-ramai, gelak ketawa release tension belajar. aku balik malaysia macam takde sangat purpose. boleh dikatakan buang duit dan buang masa. aku cuba manfaatkan masa. cuba untuk spend time with my family. aku tak rapat dengan family aku sangat, tapi aku takde lah renggang dengan mereka. I'm just 'okay' with them. nak kata aku lepak dengan kawan, tak jugak. jumpa mereka yang perlu. the best friend, the close friends and certain kawan yang lama tak jumpa. part of me tak nak jumpa sangat dengan orang sebab aku rasa takde point pun. plus, attitude dorang buatkan aku LAGIlah tak nak jumpa dorang. *sinister smile*

berbalik kepada spending time with family. aku memang fail dalam communication with other people. dari dulu lagi. tapi ntah macamana ntah aku ok la sikit sekarang. dan aku paling tak suka bual kosong. sebab aku akan rasa kosong. so if I don't have anything to say, I won't say anything. so apalah yang aku buat? duduk diam, senyum dan respond apabila ditanya. percaya atau tak, macam tu lah aku dengan family. boleh dikatakan aku fly on the wall. orang tak perasan aku ada kat tempat tu kadang2. kalaulah abang tak bercakap dengan aku, aku pun tak bercakap. melainkan ada benda nak ditanya. aku tak rasa nak bercerita pasal life aku sebab aku rasa benda tu irrelevant melainkan aku nak mintak advise ke apa ke.

mungkin dengan kawan-kawan seperjuangan situasi dia lain la. banyak benda nak dicakap sebab we have things in common. aku teringat yang Ivin cakap kalau age gap besar between siblings, susah sikit nak relate to each other. haha. quite true lah.

peliklah. I was so used to me being alone in the house last time. cos abang and kakak have their own life, all that's left in the house is the three of us - my mom, my dad and I. my parents are always out working and I was always alone in the house. now, dah biasa dengan hostel life yang constantly ramai orang, I don't like staying alone. I'm prone to do stupid things when I'm alone. tak berfikir secara rasional.

*grunts*

benci bila aku mula melayankan perasaan.


-

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

tak tau macamana tapi, benda dah terjadi.
aku emosional secara tiba-tiba. aku rasa benda ni hormonal sebab aku perempuan. tapi, still. kenapa harus aku berkelakuan begitu?

aku rasa serba tak kena.
rasa down.
sebab aku tau apa puncanya dan aku masih di takuk lama, tak maju ke hadapan.
aku rasa aku tak mempunyai kekuatan, dan aku sebenarnya tak pernah rasa aku ada kekuatan untuk hadapinya. aku rasa nak rewind balik pada masa tu. masa yang aku tak rasa apa yang aku rasa sekarang ni. pada masa yang aku maju ke hadapan, dan tidak sedikit pun menoleh ke belakang.

aku tahu apa yang aku perlukan. aku pernah ada. tapi sekarang ianya hilang.
aku perlu belajar mendapatkannya semula. tapi terasa sangat berat kakiku untuk melangkah.
aku perlu lawan sifat pessimist aku.

seriously i dont know what's wrong with me.

just because of these things, i feel like throwing other things away. far far far away.

i need to set things straight.

i need to.

i have to.

i want to.

*inhale*

Ya Allah, permudahkanlah segala urusanku.




you gave "love" a bad name.

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

have you ever heard of that song?
you gave love a bad name? google it. no need. it means what it means. you gave LOVE a bad name!

i'm not gonna talk about love.

i'm not gonna talk about bon jovi. (yeap, it's a song from bon jovi)

i'm talking about people who gave islam a bad name.

last night i had dinner with my parents, my uncle and his chinese friend. his friend, who is totally not speaking malay or english, communicated with us in mandarin & body/sign language. amazingly, we somehow managed to understand each other. and at one point, we were talking about me studying in russia. and he went russia = vodka. i was like, yeah, it's their thing. my mom told him we muslims can't drink liquors and such. (he drinks) and he was like, no no no. the muslims in moscow drinks. and i think my face went =.=" eventhough deep inside, i knew what he was talking about.

i wanted to say, those who constantly remembers god wouldn't do such things. but since language is a barrier there and i didn't really wanna start a debate, i kept quiet.

another thing that's been bothering me is mainly the people here. i think ive had this problem before this. i'm not a people person. so. here we go.

i think i am being judgemental and all. but girls, you give islam a bad name.

oklah. you wear tudung. nak berfesyen. idk whats the name of it, but you ikat rambut mcm bun pastu ikat tinggi2, then pin the tudung so it will look fittingly 'awesome'. i'd say fine, you dont know about the hadith. i also found out few months back la. ok, dimaafkan mungkin.

another, wear tudung scarf. scarf selalunya pendek. so it just wrapped up your head nicely. ok. jarang lagi tu. mhm. then the baju you wear, besar betul neckline dia.. jadi? bertudung scarf, tapi baju punyalah hot. nampak collarbone cik adik. ini ke definition bertudung tapi seksi? mungkin dia tak tau jugak. (cant blame her, aite?)

idk lah dia betul2 tak tahu atau buat2 tak tau. parah. sebab. ok la im not perfect myself tapi im sad because other non-muslims that really don't know anything about islam will look at these people and think , "oh, islam like this la eh?" not everyone has the initiative to ask about these things. and sadly, if these people were asked about certain things about islam, i don't think they can really answer well to the non-muslims.

plus, the non-muslims would like to believe what they see, rather than to ask and find out.

"my friend, X is a muslim! but we go and have a drink (beer) every weekend".
their conclusion : muslims can drink. why dont YOU drink?
why cant their conclusion be : X is not a muslim ?

islam = terrorist.
why terrorist? bcos certain people jihad and initiate a war.
don't you wonder WHY they initiate the war in the first place?
or don't you wonder WHO are these people, really? are they really a muslim by heart, or just a title they carry and misused islam to endanger the other people?
and some still believe that all muslims will go to heaven and the rest will go to hell.

*paused*

i shall not get carry away with my writing this time.

last note :

"how come you dont do this but the other muslim does it?"
"supposedly, we are told not to this."
"really?"
"yeah, its like, your religion told you not to do that, but why do you do it?"
"bcos i don't really follow my religion."
"exactly."

:)