I almost forgot I still have this blog. I rarely update; the last I wrote was last year and yeah that's pretty much eons ago.
So, what's new since then?
I stopped having eating disorder last september and thanks to zhar pizza, I've gained back those weights I've lost. No regrets, I love eating. I had some few rough patches here and there; not sure for worse or better but it happened. (honestly I think it's for the worse) oh yeah, I graduated. Yeah, that's pretty much sums up last 9 months.
I'm going back home for good in a week plus and I'm absolutely terrified. I've been here for almost 9 and a half years and I don't think I'd know how to live back at home. I always feel out of place whenever I'm home for the summer break and I was always glad and excited to be here. I haven't actually got a grasp on the idea yet but I know it's happening and I know I'm nowhere near ready. I'll need time to adjust myself back and knowing what's in store for me just makes me so worried and scared.
For some reason, I've becoming more and more cold towards people around me for I feel tired to please them. I'm no people-pleaser type of person but I hate to make things uncomfortable for others. I try to accommodate when I can -- because I know I'm okay with anything. It was always going someone's way rather than mine some things because I was okay with it. Recent months, I stopped to care altogether. I just think it's wearing me down so much I won't bother to try anymore -- especially when I know you're not gonna do the same for me or you're not worth it. Somehow I became bitter about most things. I slowly excused myself from non-worth friendship and let it just be a platonic one where we can say 'hi' and talk about the weather but nothing too personal. I shut myself down from most people. Come to think of it, it's kinda sad that most people don't really know me but then again that's my own doing. I don't let people in.
Well, yeah. If you're not worth the time and effort, I won't let you in. I can just tell about some personal stuff but that doesn't mean we're tight. I don't trust anyone easily. I keep things to myself most of the time for that specific reason. Some days when it hurts so bad, so so bad that I can't feel anything else but pain. It was too painful and there were the days I feel like just killing myself so the pain would stop. Alhamdulillah I wasn't that insane. Whenever I have those days I'll stop seeing everyone. I just sit at home and avoid everyone. I tried and forced myself to go to class but it was too overwhelming that I couldn't take it. Even when I was already in the class I'll just take my stuff and leave immediately when it gets bad. Yes, I have quite a lot of otrabotka for the final semester by doing that.
I was slowly losing hope on everything. I felt that I trusted the wrong person. I felt betrayed and I just can't handle people lying to my face; especially those who supposed to care about me. That's the thing with expectation on people. They'll ruin you, slowly and deadly.
I started (or more like, continued) to abuse myself in some ways. I purposely did the things I know I shouldn't be doing because I felt like nothing matters. Nothing. I was thinking, "everything effed up anyway, why not ruined it all the way?"
No matter how hard I try to get people to understand what I was feeling and am feeling, I'm the only that truly knows and understands. So, there's no point of telling, right?
So tell me how.