what does not kill me, can it really make me stronger?

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

when we pray, we always ask God to lessen our burden, to ease our pain, to smooth any of our plans, etc.

me? I ask Him to make me stronger. the thing is, when we ask God to make us stronger, He didn't just make us stronger just like that. *chiiiing* << (failed magic sound) but no, no magic or whatsoever. He'd put us to test, so we can try to make ourselves stronger.

get it?

I've always wanna be stronger (read : tabah) because I was always and am always so weak and I couldn't pull myself through. even though most of the times I put on a brave face, I've always feel like running and screaming the top of my lungs out.

so, there it goes. I was tested to be stronger and I failed. badly. I brawled. disaster it was.

T.T

I can give advises to other on how to be stronger and I myself can't pull it through. even when my friend said I am strong, it's just I didn't realised it, I feel like, nah, if I'm strong enough I wouldn't be like this.

80% of the time I ran from my own problems, which are not really much of a big problems, really, but to me it was HUGE because I can't get over it. solution? back to God. it's a sign, it's His sign. if I feel like I have problems that as big as the world, I must've been missing in action in God's path. *shivers* what have I been doing?

few days back I was tempted to do something no-good and there I was, crumbled and did it anyway. not to humiliate myself or what-so-ever, my point here is, I was that weak! and now I feel like slapping myself for good. I can't seem to realise things any sooner, eh? annoyingnya kau, syahaneez! -_-"

now I hate myself for doing so more than ever.

that's it. just one solution, with many ways to do it. back to God. back to Quran.

ohmyrabb.

if only I would listen to myself when I give myself an advice. if only.

on a side note, happy birthday ayahku. we've always had that somewhat special connection that I can't never understand. may Allah bless and hope we'll be together in jannah. together with mama. ^^ I love you. I did bake something but I've always failed on the deco. it's choc cake btw. yes, yes, I owe you a cheese cake when I'm back. I know I'm always missing in action, never really call or whatsoever, but insyaAllah you and mama always in my prayer. *choked on tears* miss you both.