It's hard

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
Today after work we spoke as usual, talked about random stuff. When it gets a little bit personal, I can feel like I was going to have a breakdown.

True enough, I teared in the car.

I looked away. I don't wanna cry in front on him. It's just too awkward and weird. Oh my God, I felt the journey to LRT feels forever. At times like this lah the traffic light turns red. Adoii.

We both kept silence. It was a deafening silence. He turned on the radio to ease the awkwardness.

"Sya jenis pendam eh?"

I kept quiet.

"Takpe lah, nangis je kalau nak"

"Sorry," suara bergegar, antara dengar atau tidak. My tears fell even faster.

When we finally arrived;

"Thank you," I said, looking away.

"Take care."

I can't even look at him when I got down to say thanks. I feel so heavy in my chest. I feel like all the words are churning inside of me, not able to escape my mouth. It's slowly eating me alive.

It's been couple of times these 'meltdown' happened and usually either I was alone or I'm in the LRT or in the Grab. Never in front of someone I know.

Honestly, it's hard. It's hard to put into words with what I'm feeling. It's hard to stay positive when I'm all about negative. It's hard because I honestly feel I have no one to talk to; or at least no one I want to talk to.

Whatever it is, I hope this will pass.

Every storm shall pass..

I'm Not Okay

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
I don't know where to begin..

This clearly isn't the best time to write a post, considering I have exams next week and I barely read anything -- but I think I need to pen it down.

I wasn't sure what I was going through for the past couple of months. Heck, I am still unsure of it. I was having panic attacks and it was getting more frequent. I'd like to think I could manage things through but apparently I couldn't because it is still haunting me. As I write these down, I can feel such anxiety started to hover me. It's not even out for the world yet, and I already feel crappy.

I don't know what happened or triggered that made me this way but one thing for sure, I don't feel like the same person I was few months back. I'm starting to lose myself as days passed by and I was just living one day after another. I started to lose appetite, gained them back and lost it then it came back. Like a tennis ball being hit back and forth.

I spoke to few people about it, just the surface of it. Some asked whether I was stressed. I don't think I was, to be honest, because it all feels normal with no addition stress or whatsoever. I then realised that maybe certain things that happened before, was still lingering and I wasn't getting over them. It was buried deep inside and now it finally is eating me up. It didn't feel like a big of a deal or maybe I'm just in denial? I don't know, man.

Lately, there are so many people I care and love were sad, broken and just lost; I couldn't do anything to help and I just feel I am breaking too, inside.

When you think when you get older you'd figure things out and turns out - you can get lost along the way.

Devastation and Reform

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
Recently, I've posted an excerpt of a story of  my junior; on how she was battling her mental health. She's now willing to share her full story and trying to reach out to others that couldn't or afraid to seek help.

This is written by Sofea herself.

Hi there, I'm Sofea. I'd like to share my story regarding my mental health and I hope you would do something more about it to create awareness on it. Thank you. An NGO (Relate Malaysia) has actually shared this and it has made a huge impact to a lot of people. 

I've been suffering from depression for quite sometime. I'm diagnosed with mixed anxiety-major depressive disorder. I attempted suicide countless times to the point that I was actually rushed to the ER. I overdosed three times on my antidepressants, drank chemical and I've been cutting myself. It's a long story as to why i got depressed. To make it short, I've had a bad childhood past until now. Parents got divorced when I was 10. I have 10 siblings and my mum single handedly took care of us. I used to be physically, mentally and sexually abused. But I choose not to point names. 

Despite the sufferings I've been through as a kid, I was actually a very good student. I excelled in both academic and curricular activities. I even held a lot of important posts. I was that active. People always call me as the girl who always smiles, who's never angry and mean to anyone. But little did they know that I've been masking my sadness all along. No one ever knew about it. 

After SPM, my father decided to take care of me and so I went to JB and studied there for my foundation. My father works in JB. When I was in JB that I started suffering from depression. I'd like to keep the details as to why I got depressed. At that time I also just got a boyfriend who is now my fiancé. He's the first boyfriend I've ever had and I hope he'd be the last as well haha. He was the one who noticed that I've gotten gloomier and always crying. We've always skyped. Since he lives in KL and I was in JB at that time. He tried to help me by talking to my parents about it. And guess what? He got lashed out by mother. My mum scolded me too and said that he's a just a stranger and nobody needs to know about our family problems. I felt even worse after something happened. Again I can't tell you what it was. But it scarred me so badly. My family didn't believe and neglected that I was depressed and condemned me. They said "tu lah tak ingat tuhan, sebabtu takda arah. Sofea belajar je. Takyah nak depress. You have to score. You have to be a doctor". I was broken by then. Again, I repeat. I was abused physically, mentally and sexually. 

So after my foundation, I came back to KL to live with my mum again. Things were already awkward and I was always given the 'mean' treatment. I started to work at Petrosains then. Because I truly am passionate in science and my ambition is to be a doctor. I kinda healed a bit when I was working there because I was surrounded by positive people and I enjoyed what I did. 

Later on I furthered my study in Russia, doing medicine. Things happened in Russia that broke me even more. My fiancé's father passed away, my friends became distant towards me, I fell sick with an erosion and bleeding stomach. Just imagine I was already depressed at that time. That's when I truly felt empty. At that point of time, all I think of was death. I just wanted to die. I told my fiancé that every single day. Every single day I got very bad panic attacks which no one knew about it. I was all alone and empty. 

Then it was our summer break, I was so happy that I got to be back in Malaysia with my fiancé. He brought me to see a psychiatrist and from there I got some medications. During the session with the psychiatrist, the psychiatrist said I wasn't stable and unfit to go back to Russia in the meantime m. The doctor was afraid that I'd be worse and might not even heal. So whether I liked it or not, my fiancé and I had to tell my parents about it. About differing my studies, about me seeing a psychiatrist. My dad was calm but he insisted that I still had to go to Russia. My mum on the other hand went berserk. 

On the day of my flight, my mum created a scene and called everyone and said that I mengada and tak bersyukur and that my fiancé was the one who's influencing me. She didn't even want to salam me when I wanted to say goodbye. My fiancé was the one who was supposed to bring me to the airport. I was so empty and broken. That's when I overdosed on my antidepressants. My fiancé rushed me to the ER in PPUM. And you know what hurt me even more? One of the doctors said "you're a medical student but you're a mess". Wow. How kind of her. I want everyone to know that I'm not giving up on my dreams. I just need to take a break and heal first. Tu je yang orang tak faham. 

After I was discharged, my dad decided to take care of me and bring me back to JB. I actually didn't want to because it'd remind me of the past that happened in JB. Then, I decided to attempt suicide by overdosing again. I was then rushed to the hospital in JB. In the ward I overdosed again because I was really agitated by the environment and I just felt empty. I suffered from bad side effects. My vision became blurry, I couldn't walk, I fell unconsciously in the toilet. After that I was sent to the psychiatric ward. 

Being in a psychiatric ward for almost a week makes me realise a lot of things. When I was first admitted here, I was so scared and alone. Other patients suffer from schizophrenia, BMD, A.C psychosis and etc. Some are aggressive, some are 'crazy', some talk to themselves. Some are over friendly to the point i felt uncomfortable,some pestered me for my phone,some cried to me that they wanna go home.I was afraid. I witnessed some patients kena ikat, menjerit meraung. Some even managed to get out and bled all over the bed coz she took out her needles. My days had been filled with screaming from some patients. I feel afraid and pity at the same time.At first I didn't open up to anyone of them. But since I'm the youngest here, they all treat me like I'm their younger sister.Despite their troubled issues, mental illness and childish attitude, kena ikat dengan police and all, they're actually very kind deep within. I realised that when I had my first panic attack here in the ward, some of the 'crazy' patients came to me and tried to calm me down. They held me and helped me to lie down on my bed. They tucked me into bed. Then they called the nurse that I'm hurt. I felt so touched. Ever since that, whenever i had panic attacks, they'd do the same exact thing to me. And I then told myself to not call them crazy. I opened up to them as they opened up to me. Kesian sangat dengar cerita dorg. Yes I've gone through shit. But they have no one. 

Eventhough I still do feel scared & get panic attacks whenever i hear a sudden scream and all the gaduh between the patients, police & doctors, I now feel very sympathetic towards them. They have been kind to me.They gave me sweets, snacks everytime I breakdown.They'd stroke my hair. Everyday I pray to God that He will ease things for them. They deserve to be happy too. Eventho they're 'crazy', they never once hurt me. As a matter of fact, I feel like I've grown to love them. And when I'm discharged, I'm truly gonna miss them. As a matter of fact, I feel like I've grown to love them. And when I'm discharged, I'm truly gonna miss them. 

When I was having my session with some psychiatrists, one of the doctors said he sees and believes that one day I'll be an amazing person, a good doctor based on the session we had. I was so happy and touched. The doctors told me that I'm not at fault and I'm not a burden. They understand the struggles that I've been through. I want to emphasise, never underestimate the power of kind words.Some patients pleaded to me with so much tears, you have no idea how it broke my heart.

From someone who is suffering and is actually diagnosed with mixed anxiety-major depressive disorder, here's an advice : Please be kind and considerate. Be gentle with your words. Never condemn. Listen and understand. Help. Be nice. Be loving. No, I'm not seeking for attention. I just need this issue regarding mental illness to not be taken lightly. It could cost someone's lives. Remember, healing is a PROCESS.
No one heals in a nick of time. Some people heal and THEN FALL DOWN, get back up and fall again. It might even be on repeat. But then finally they get back up, STRONGER as ever.
Being in this psychiatric ward makes me realise that i want to make a change. I want mental illness to stop being stigmatised. The experience that I'm currently going through now makes me feel more motivated to be a help to others eventhough I myself am suffering. It took me a lot of guts to share this. I feel so happy that a lot of people have come to me and share their stories. Some even are already trying to seek help after knowing my story. You have no idea how happy I feel to make an impact to others. 

After my story has been spread widely on Twitter (my account is @eilyasofea), I've been getting a lot of response from people. Some are even seeking for professional help now. I'm happy that I made an impact in people's lives. I was from Convent Bukit Nanas and I held a lot of important posts. One of them is i was the International Understanding (IU) Director in interact club. I hosted an IU Day about 'Change' and the event was a huge success. We've got a lot of sponsors (some of them were DBKL, NMIT, CIMB, Nestle, Vitagen etc) and the total profit that we got was more than RM30k. Truly. Then we distributed the money to 5 homes (oku, aids, orang tua etc) and the balance was given to the school to renovate etc. I was only 17 at that time and I've created a huge success. Though I'm struggling with MADD right now, I still aspire to inspire people. I want to be a mental health advocate/doctor one day. I hope you'd read this and give me a response. If there is any voluntary work that I can do, feel free to contact me. I'd love to receive all the positivity that I can get. Thank you so much.  

Best regards, Sofea. 

Heavy

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
The song "hate to see your heart break" from Paramore was written out of empathy towards her best friend; when she saw him in the state of life hitting him hard on his face and was hopeless, she feels as if she was breaking too.

Empathy is something you can understand and share feelings of another person. It is said as an emotional intelligent thing. This is something you don't learn in school; well, not in the syllabus anyway. It's through relationship (be it family or friends) and experience you'd be able to develop empathy. Don't mistaken empathy and sympathy. Sympathy is as simple as feeling sorry for others when you might not actually understand what's going on. Empathy is a deeper feeling, as you can actually feel what they're feeling.

In a recent post, I was writing about empathy towards people having depression and suicidal episodes. I am actually intrigued with my junior because she is having a rough time herself and getting herself treatments but at the same time she's sharing her stories in order to educate others. In doing so, she is actually helping other helpless folks and like what I told her, it's a great thing to do. I bet it wasn't easy to be open and talk about the most private and vulnerable things in your life but she did it.

It made me realise one thing;
people who are trying (so hard, if I may add) to help others that are in need are usually the ones who actually been there. They are the ones who knew how heavy it was to be helpless and how heavy it was when no one was there to help them out. They didn't want someone else feel and go through whatever they went through because it was really bad. Unfortunately, sometimes these people are too busy helping others that they didn't have the chance to help themselves.

I saw someone wrote (I forgot who and where did I stumbled upon it though) about how certain artists address mental health issue and how to get things through in their songs or act because they knew how it felt like. She said that some of these artists are like holding the lights and reaching out others (in order to help them get through things) but at the same time it's draining them and they became darker. It was like how Robin Williams was, he made everyone happy while he himself isn't. That's the dangerous part of depression; these people hid it so well and you wouldn't even know that they're having a rough time. They will keep a good smile upon their face whenever they're out with others but once they're all by themselves (or with the people they really trust) the broke down. They will be most unexpected person to be depressed. Sometimes things got out of hand and it'll be too late when you know it.

I feel like it's so twisted;
sometimes the person you think don't need help / cheering are the ones that need them the most.

So, be nice to everyone. You never know what they're going / they've been through.

Test

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
I don't usually write about my days any more, but I feel like writing this one out because it gave me a big of an impact (not really, just more than usual) and a big ibrah to myself.

I was set to sit for my exam on one fine day, after 2 weeks of waiting. The teacher seems to be busy, so he was postponing the exam dates for quite some time. The time was set at 1pm. I planned to go there slightly early, to revise while waiting for my friend. I even bunked my class on that day. (I informed the teacher about my exam, he asked me to just cover it later)

I went to the hospital where the exam will be, I met my lubov and previous groupmates along the way. They wished me well and I bid them goodbye. It was 11.45am. I thought to myself, I was still quite early, so I just waited downstairs. I saw these 2 girls changing into their labcoats. I asked them if they're seating for exam too, to which they responded, yes. I asked them what time was the exam (I have this anxiety about exam so yes) and they told me it's at 1pm.

I got a text from my friend, asking if the exam is going to start soon. I told him, it couldn't be cos it's not even 12pm. He was on his way to where I was. I had a hunch so I went up, and to my surprise, there were bunch of students queuing up in front of the teacher's office to take the exam card. It was just 12pm. The teacher told that he will only be taking 11 students and guess what? I'm the 12th.

I just queued, and hoping that he will just let me sit for the exam. When it came for my turn, he told me to come again next week. I asked, "for sure?" He raised his voice in anger. He said he's a busy person and he will take exam as he wishes. I asked that cos he has been postponing the dates and I have dateline to catch. I noticed a guy came after me. After got scolded, I went out, in dismay trying to calm myself down.

Turns out one of the 11 students couldn't sit for the exam. Since I went out, the guy after me gets to in and do his exam instead.

Another girl came after me and begged the teacher to just let us 2 to sit for the exam. His decision was final - he won't allow us at all. She asked, "why did you start the exam early? you told us at 1pm. now its only 12.15pm" He said while pointing to the fellow batch mate, "Ask your friends why they come early! I'm busy, but if I have nothing to do I will take the exam early."

I left the room, with so many emotions at once.

1. I feel betrayed by my own batch mates. They came an hour early to secure their seats when they know I too want to sit for the exam. It's okay, I don't consider them as friends. I know they are too desperate to sit for the exam cos they wanna cheat so.. That's like whatever lah.

2. I was in shocked on why did the teacher threw his tantrum on me when he never even met me before, and I just asked that one question - to which he probably thought of me mocking him or questioning his authority.

3. I was waiting for this exam to be settled too long till I get so demotivated to do anything at all.

Results of mixed emotions? Tears. I couldn't handle and comprehend the selfishness and rudeness of these inhumane human. I have never ever cried for any examinations at all before in my life. Not even when I repeated semesters. Not even that. I'm not angry or sad that I couldn't sit for exam, but I just hate the injustice, selfishness and rudeness. That is totally not acceptable for me.

Shana texted me. I told her what happened in the text while crying.

I called my mom. Sobbing.

"you selsema ke nangis ni?"
"nangis.."
"kenapa dik?"
* I told her the whole thing *
"it's okay! this is a test from Allah. no use of you feeling all angry and disappointed if you don't tell to Allah your problem. and you know what? You have to be grateful for He is protecting you from even seating with those people who are selfish and cheat"
*sobbing.. crying..*
"you take a deep breath, calm yourself down and you will figure this out. doa banyak-banyak.."

I sat down at the bus stop, talking to my mom, and eventually stopped sobbing. I took a walk, taddabur the sky. Muhasabah. Alhamdullilah upon everything. Every single thing.

Alhamdulillah I felt better. By the time I met up with Shana and Alya, I felt a lot better. The things they do to cheer me up, it was so cute. Thank you lubovs :)

I told this matter to few people and some told me that it's a blessing. Maybe if I have sat that exam I wouldn't be able to answer or anything. Yes, I believe in rizq. So I am letting it go.

As for moral of the story.

1. syukur upon anything happened to you. there must be a real reason why God never allow you to have something.
2. don't be like them. even if you're angry, don't lash it out on other people. even if you're sad, don't show your frown to other people. they are not your punching bag.
3. don't be selfish. it won't bring you anywhere in life. you may get the grades but you have no self-respect or whatsoever.
4. do your best, let Allah do the rest!
5. surround yourself with the trustworthy ones.
6. reflect your relationship with God. I have to admit, I have been a little bit down lately, hence the over working lacrimal gland for petty dunya things.

It's fine now.
I am moving on. *flips hijab*

My friend and I are planning to do the exam this week. Please pray for us, pray that the teacher will be in a great mood to let us sit for the exam, pray that we will get the questions we know.

And insyaAllah, the week after, I planned for my another exam with another friend as well. Pray for us, so that we can go through this exam in a breeze and ease. My graduating friends too are struggling with their subjects. Please pray that all of us manage to settle every thing in time.

Like my mama said, we can plan, but Allah knows better.

Trust in His timing but not to forget to give our best.

Hard Times

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
There are days you are hardly holding yourself together, to do keep on doing things you need to do; for your own good. There comes a time where you are at the edge; barely stepping on the ground. Yes, it is exhausting and difficult.

Others wouldn't know you are struggling deep inside and the simple little things they say might trigger you. The next thing you know, you are already on the ground. Broken.

No, they don't mean it. They have no clue of what's going on in your head. All they see is you smiling, talking happily to your friends. They don't see the frown behind that smile. Nobody could. All they said is "You look terrible" because you usually looked better. That little comment runs through your head and then all that rants just keep flowing in.

Of course I looked terrible. I've been crying to my sleep, sleeping more than usual and battling my thoughts all week. If I could pull off a better look, I deserved an oscar. You had no idea how hard this is. You never asked whether I'm okay or alright or whether I'm fine. You just cared on how did I look? That's it. Thaaat's it!

Yea, that was kinda clean. My head sometimes screamed profanities while my facial expression remains calm. Don't ask why. I regret and ashamed of it as well.

But yes, that small thing that triggers is meant for you. God is testing your faith, dear. Whether you'll break down and cry to Him or break down and lost, astray from Him.

So what you gotta do?

Istighfar. You've been through a lot. You need some cleanse for your soul. Istighfar calms you and reminds you that it is human to make mistakes but you should seek for forgiveness.

Wudhu'. Amazingly, the water will calms you. The gesture of having your face, arms, head, feet washed is just wonderful. It also as if those little sins are washed away together with the water. Do it slowly. Feel the water flows.

Read the al-Quran. There are so many powerful verses in the al-Quran that could soothe your wound. Read its arabic and the translation. Allah doesn't bear anything upon you without knowing you can overcome it. This is a fact. Maybe you tend to forget this, but that's what al-Quran is about, to remind us. Human tends to forget. We are created in such manner, that's why we need to be reminded again and again.

Doa. Always and always pray to Allah to have a better heart, to be strong, sabar, istiqamah and tsabat in this deen. Allah never let a prayer unanswered. It might not be answered right away, but that shouldn't stop you from praying all day, everyday. :)

And when My servants ask you, [O Muhammad], concerning Me - indeed I am near. I respond to the invocation of the supplicant when he calls upon Me. So let them respond to Me [by obedience] and believe in Me that they may be [rightly] guided.

al-baqarah: Chapter 2, Verse 186
I've been feeling this a lot this past two weeks, and I'm telling myself not to break down and go astray; instead, find Him and find peace within His words and love. It's hard, having to deal with the things you can't describe. I wonder if this is a verge of my depression, trying to kick in. I hope I could overcome this matter. Biiznillah. 💪🏼

Flaws

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
Few days ago I took a walk in the park, strolling while waiting for a friend. We then talked and talked; and one of the topic caught my attention.

What do you do when someone address your flaws in public? Even when they're joking.

"Sabar? Or tell them, how could they - but in a joking tone although you meant it" haha. I have to admit, it wasn't the best advice ever. I myself am wondering what can I do about it.

Listen, everyone has flaws. It's unnecessary to point things out.

Over the years, I was someone who likes to criticise things with the intention of getting them to be better. Then I realised, and learnt that appreciating someone's effort (even when they do not meet your standard) is much better than openly criticise their work. It gets them going in spirit rather than feeling down by the criticism given.

Let's bring someone up instead of bringing them down. That's what being a murabbi about. I'm currently reading of how to be a murabbi. It's hard but it's not impossible. I'm trying my best to be a good murabbi even when I feel that there's no murabbi for me. I have to be a murabbi to myself. Guide and advice myself. The struggle is real.

One a side note, whenever I'm feeling the struggle, I'm glad to know that the struggle exists, because without struggle the dakwah is not real!