I've been juggling with my emotions lately.
I'm trapped in the middle of something uncertain, and I feel confused.
I fear that day by day my heart sink and never able to surface once more.
I really feel lost without tarbiyyah. I haven't got some proper usrah lately, so I'm depending on the tarbiyyah dzatiyah itself, which has MANY ups and downs. Like, probably many downs. I know usrah isn't the only source of tarbiyyah, but I just feel so empty without them. I missed my support systems, and to tell you the truth, at times I feel so alone.
I convinced myself whenever I feel alone, it's time to turn to Allah and trust Him completely without depending on anyone. Unfortunately, not every day I was able to convinced myself. There are days I'd stare at the ceiling of my double decker bed and just cry myself to sleep. This feels hard, this feels so difficult to swallow alone. I have no one to completely talk about this rationally. The burden seems so heavy and it just kills me slowly.
No, I do not want to stop my tarbiyyah just because I feel so alone. I promise myself not to ever step out of this, even though life could be so much easier and less complicated without it. I need to be able to clear myself out, so I can decide what to do, and how to solve the problems.