I don't usually write about my days any more, but I feel like writing this one out because it gave me a big of an impact (not really, just more than usual) and a big ibrah to myself.
I was set to sit for my exam on one fine day, after 2 weeks of waiting. The teacher seems to be busy, so he was postponing the exam dates for quite some time. The time was set at 1pm. I planned to go there slightly early, to revise while waiting for my friend. I even bunked my class on that day. (I informed the teacher about my exam, he asked me to just cover it later)
I went to the hospital where the exam will be, I met my lubov and previous groupmates along the way. They wished me well and I bid them goodbye. It was 11.45am. I thought to myself, I was still quite early, so I just waited downstairs. I saw these 2 girls changing into their labcoats. I asked them if they're seating for exam too, to which they responded, yes. I asked them what time was the exam (I have this anxiety about exam so yes) and they told me it's at 1pm.
I got a text from my friend, asking if the exam is going to start soon. I told him, it couldn't be cos it's not even 12pm. He was on his way to where I was. I had a hunch so I went up, and to my surprise, there were bunch of students queuing up in front of the teacher's office to take the exam card. It was just 12pm. The teacher told that he will only be taking 11 students and guess what? I'm the 12th.
I just queued, and hoping that he will just let me sit for the exam. When it came for my turn, he told me to come again next week. I asked, "for sure?" He raised his voice in anger. He said he's a busy person and he will take exam as he wishes. I asked that cos he has been postponing the dates and I have dateline to catch. I noticed a guy came after me. After got scolded, I went out, in dismay trying to calm myself down.
Turns out one of the 11 students couldn't sit for the exam. Since I went out, the guy after me gets to in and do his exam instead.
Another girl came after me and begged the teacher to just let us 2 to sit for the exam. His decision was final - he won't allow us at all. She asked, "why did you start the exam early? you told us at 1pm. now its only 12.15pm" He said while pointing to the fellow batch mate, "Ask your friends why they come early! I'm busy, but if I have nothing to do I will take the exam early."
I left the room, with so many emotions at once.
1. I feel betrayed by my own batch mates. They came an hour early to secure their seats when they know I too want to sit for the exam. It's okay, I don't consider them as friends. I know they are too desperate to sit for the exam cos they wanna cheat so.. That's like whatever lah.
2. I was in shocked on why did the teacher threw his tantrum on me when he never even met me before, and I just asked that one question - to which he probably thought of me mocking him or questioning his authority.
3. I was waiting for this exam to be settled too long till I get so demotivated to do anything at all.
Results of mixed emotions? Tears. I couldn't handle and comprehend the selfishness and rudeness of these inhumane human. I have never ever cried for any examinations at all before in my life. Not even when I repeated semesters. Not even that. I'm not angry or sad that I couldn't sit for exam, but I just hate the injustice, selfishness and rudeness. That is totally not acceptable for me.
Shana texted me. I told her what happened in the text while crying.
I called my mom. Sobbing.
"you selsema ke nangis ni?"
* I told her the whole thing *
"it's okay! this is a test from Allah. no use of you feeling all angry and disappointed if you don't tell to Allah your problem. and you know what? You have to be grateful for He is protecting you from even seating with those people who are selfish and cheat"
"you take a deep breath, calm yourself down and you will figure this out. doa banyak-banyak.."
I sat down at the bus stop, talking to my mom, and eventually stopped sobbing. I took a walk, taddabur the sky. Muhasabah. Alhamdullilah upon everything. Every single thing.
Alhamdulillah I felt better. By the time I met up with Shana and Alya, I felt a lot better. The things they do to cheer me up, it was so cute. Thank you lubovs :)
I told this matter to few people and some told me that it's a blessing. Maybe if I have sat that exam I wouldn't be able to answer or anything. Yes, I believe in rizq. So I am letting it go.
As for moral of the story.
- syukur upon anything happened to you. there must be a real reason why God never allow you to have something.
- don't be like them. even if you're angry, don't lash it out on other people. even if you're sad, don't show your frown to other people. they are not your punching bag.
- don't be selfish. it won't bring you anywhere in life. you may get the grades but you have no self-respect or whatsoever.
- do your best, let Allah do the rest!
- surround yourself with the trustworthy ones.
- reflect your relationship with God. I have to admit, I have been a little bit down lately, hence the over working lacrimal gland for petty dunya things.
It's fine now.
I am moving on. *flips hijab*
My friend and I are planning to do the exam this week. Please pray for us, pray that the teacher will be in a great mood to let us sit for the exam, pray that we will get the questions we know.
And insyaAllah, the week after, I planned for my another exam with another friend as well. Pray for us, so that we can go through this exam in a breeze and ease. My graduating friends too are struggling with their subjects. Please pray that all of us manage to settle every thing in time.
Like my mama said, we can plan, but Allah knows better.
Trust in His timing but not to forget to give our best.