Wednesday, September 21, 2016

nonsense whatsoever.

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

I've been juggling with my emotions lately.
I'm trapped in the middle of something uncertain, and I feel confused.
I fear that day by day my heart sink and never able to surface once more.

I really feel lost without tarbiyyah. I haven't got some proper usrah lately, so I'm depending on the tarbiyyah dzatiyah itself, which has MANY ups and downs. Like, probably many downs. I know usrah isn't the only source of tarbiyyah, but I just feel so empty without them. I missed my support systems, and to tell you the truth, at times I feel so alone.

I convinced myself whenever I feel alone, it's time to turn to Allah and trust Him completely without depending on anyone. Unfortunately, not every day I was able to convinced myself. There are days I'd stare at the ceiling of my double decker bed and just cry myself to sleep. This feels hard, this feels so difficult to swallow alone. I have no one to completely talk about this rationally. The burden seems so heavy and it just kills me slowly.

No, I do not want to stop my tarbiyyah just because I feel so alone. I promise myself not to ever step out of this, even though life could be so much easier and less complicated without it. I need to be able to clear myself out, so I can decide what to do, and how to solve the problems.


Tuesday, January 19, 2016


In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

feels I'm obliged to jot down a post, even though it truly has been ages since I last posted something. to be honest, I was quite surprised with my birthday gift to myself. haha. (note that, I scheduled that post in August for November 8th, so yeah)

I think it was really funny yet serious - funny because I actually used the term "ana" instead of "aku" but I understand, I was in the mood of that. but seriously though, I do not use the term with them here.

I've missed blogging.

I've missed it so bad, I actually write a long paragraph on my instagram posts with irrelevant photos.

I've missed having Ayah, Kakak commenting on my posts. yes, my friends too. it's just not the blogspot era anymore. people now digs something else I supposed. *roll eyes*

I've been through a lot, that I couldn't crammed every single thing in my memory space. but reading through the posts make me realised that I've been through a lot. I should be qowiyy (read : strong), right?

I'm in a midst of falling out of the line -- just because I am bored or keeping it all-together because that's the right thing to do.

to stay strong all the time,
I don't know how long I could keep this up.

I always feel that I want someone to complaint to, to tells my frustrations to, but no one could bear my frustrations well except for ayah. (k, gonna cry now) but he's not here now and I'm just stuck between my own self conscience and rebellious self. That's part of growing up, I supposed.

yes, it can be compensated. to tell your worries only to Him.
to hold on to Him and only Him.
to love Him entirely with your heart and soul.

I'm trying.
and I pray for steadfastness and lots of sabr.

cos I can feel that my heart out -- palpitation, and feels like about to blow up.

Sunday, November 8, 2015

tak layak..

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

bila mana ana duduk bersama akhowat qowiy belaka, ana rasa ana tak layak pun menjadi sebahagian muayyid. ana pernah bertanya kepada murabbiah ana, apakah ciri-ciri seorang muayyid? bagaimana seseorang itu ditas'id kepada muayyid? maka murabbiah ana pun bercerita ciri-ciri nya begitu dan begini; ana fikir, mungkin murabbiah ana fikir ana bertanya kerana ana ingin mentas'id adik usrah ana, tapi hakikatnya, ana ingin tahu adakah ana mencapai ciri-ciri tersebut.

ada satu-dua ciri ana tak lepas, kalau difikirkan. tapi mungkin juga KPI mereka lepaskan je ana dengan harapan ana akan settle dengan ciri yang tak lepas tu. tapi, selalu sangat terfikir yang ana memang tak layak untuk semua ni..

ada juga hari yang ana pujuk diri sendiri, guna kata-kata hikmah murabbiah, berusahalah untuk menjadi yang terpilih. somehow Allah dah pilih ana dalam jalan ni, walaupun ana tahu ana tak layak langsung, tapi just work things out and make it worth of His choice.

rasa malu dan segan, sebab diri ana sememangnya tak layak bersama jemaah ini. tapi ana sangat inginkan bersama mereka, merasai biah solehah itu. i may not be the pearl of the ummah, tapi murabbiah sekali lagi meyakinkan, ana adalah antara yang terbaik pada tempat ini dan waktu ini untuk melangsungkan dakwah.

ana tak sabar untuk melaungkan dakwah secara terang, tanpa perasaan bimbang jahiliyah serta perangai ana sendiri menjadi fitnah kepada dakwah.

sungguhlah benar, ujian orang lain-lain.

doakan ana tsabat, dan istiqamah dalam jalan ini.

-written in August 2015, posted in November 2015, as a birthday present to myself. :)
semoga amal bertambah dan ikhlas menuju redhaNya, wahai diri.