when we were having oncology cycle last week; as usual, we were given questions to answer about certain topics. that one particular day topic was lymphoma. when i got to know, my mind started to wander. it reminded me the day when ayah emailed me his biopsy results after he had his inguinal lymph node remove. it was angioblastic lymphoma. with a very poor connection on my phone, i went and search for that email. i wanted to read the reports once more. i wasn't sure why, but i wanted to. i went through such trouble because my phone data was dead so i had to wait till the class ended so i could search for better connection. once i read it, i was frozen. this isn't the first time i read the report, so what gives? i threw my phone on my lap, i sat down at the couch, still froze.
"akak okay ke kak?" my groupmate asked.
i kept quite, just stared blankly
"kenapa kak? akak ok tak ni?" he asked again.
"yeah im okay." i answered swiftly without moving my head.
he and the rest of them wore their jackets and bid me goodbye. i was supposed to wait for my friend to finish her class anyway, so i just sat down and stare at my phone. suddenly, i broke into tears. it was really pouring like a broken dam. i had no idea where all of these came from. i couldn't stop crying for minutes. i couldn't understand why i was crying though. not PMS for sure, too early for my cycle. it wasn't a brand new info; i've always known what was ayah's diagnose. but why it got to me real bad? why it was so painful and unbearable?
i texted my brother and of course, he just replied with an emoji. (busy lah tu, hmph *rolls eyes*) after i finally had my cool, my friend told me she just finished her class and on her way down. i composed myself and walked with her to the bus stop.
"akak selsema ke nangis" she asked casually"nangis" i muttered. i really had no mood to beat around the bush now."ada masalah dengan anyone ke?""nope"
then we went on talking about other things. out of the blue;
"tau dah kenapa akak nangis. masalah dalaman kan?" she brought up the topic once more"hm not really. do you really wanna know why i cried?" she nodded yes to that.
so i told her what happened and teared again. i felt that if i didn't explain, she's just gonna keep wondering why. then we dropped the topic. we went to the stores with the other girls, shopped, laughed and all. i thought i was going to be alright.
i was dead wrong.
i went home, distract myself with some video and what-not. suddenly broke into tears again. i was not in the mood at all. whoever texted me for favours were declined and rejected. just when i thought i've pulled myself together and tried to do my work, i couldn't do a thing. i wasn't even feeling alive. all the wrong and uncanny thoughts crossed in my mind. i wanted to do the most unspeakable things. i just wanted the pain go away. it was frustrating when i felt that my prayers don't calm me at that moment.
i couldn't bring myself to go to class. even when it was the final class and yeah it was important to attend it. i couldn't care less. i just wanna sleep so that i won't have to deal with the pain. it was so unbearable, then it became all numbed out. when afeq told me her kitten died, i had no feelings left anymore. i do feel obliged to feel sorry so i told her that but deep inside i was like, meh.
in the evening i decided to take a walk in the park. there is a park nearby my house but i only like that one particular park. i sat there, for God knows how long, and just cry. talked myself some sense and when i was finally done, i composed myself and went to get things done. things that needed to be done.
i went home. i thought it was all alright. when a friend asked what happened, i told him and broke down in tears again. but it was a short brief amount of time so i guess i was healing already.
it's funny. when you think you've got all your shit together but in reality it seems that they were just buried somewhere and just waiting the time to burst. honestly, this past year has never been so depressing for me. i am wondering if it means that all these while i wasn't dealing with them very well, i was just burying them and now one by one coming out to haunt me. great.