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In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

today seems like just another day.

I was reading an article and it got me thinking.

whatever that has happened, happened and cannot be changed. be it good or bad, it already happened. what's important now is the present day and how you've become to be. whether you've learn something out of it or not, that is entirely up to you. there's nothing you can do to change the past - and that's okay. even if you are able to travel back in time using the particle accelerator or what-not, a single disruption of the past would entirely change who you are today! and that's not cool.

there's no use to dwell in the past - even when it was great. it has gone and can never be returned. cherish the present, the moments you are living now, and live to the fullest so in the future you will never regret of things you have done or have not done.

I know I am not that broken or lost compared to whole lot of others; I have been blessed by wonderful people around me. but that doesn't stop from me feeling broken and lost on some days. I am in fact a human - weak, unworthy and just vulnerable. having knowledge or understanding of things does not guarantee of being so well all the time, if you are a human by nature. we all make mistakes and sins; but the better of us will apologize and repent where as some of us continue to live in such dark pathway. having the ability to see the light, does not guarantee you to have the strength to walk into in. it's something you have to work on your own and nobody can help you 100 percent; they can merely guide you there.

today, these past years mean so much to me than it ever was. I realised that I've been stuck at a limbo for quite sometime as I wasn't ready to let go of the past. no matter what I do, I was never really living the moment. I had no idea what was going on, other than trying to fool myself. I may be able to figure out about others, but when it comes to figuring out about me, I wasn't sure of myself. never was.

today, I'd like to try to make a difference, and try to get myself to do things that takes me to better place. and I'd like to request for your prayers of me being well, physically, spiritually, and mentally.

don't you forget;
be grateful of yourself today.
be thankful that you are well, alive, in your own way that God has blessed you.

summer attachment

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

Last couple of week I did my attachment in orthopedic department at HSAH, Sg Petani. Overall the experience was good. (Why does it feel like I'm about to give a review, lol) The head of department was cool, the specialists, MO, HO are all helpful and friendly. I understand it must be a hustle (and bore) to entertain us medical students while you're working. Thank you for letting me learn and willingly explain the littlest and silliest thing I've asked. I never learnt their names (I'm very bad at this) but I'm pretty sure they didn't remember mine either, so we're even. 😛

 One of my memorable case in the ward was the one when they did wound debridement (I think, I can't remember! Omg why didn't I write this sooner) on this 60s Malay uncle. It was a quite painful because they had to cut some slough and dark edges of the skin that has gone bad due to the diabetic foot. This uncle non-stop saying his istighfar and never once he screamed. Somehow it made the doctors job easier; when the patient is calm and collected, the doctors can focus on their work. On the contrary, similar case with the 30s malay female that kept screaming because she was in pain. Both doctors did try to calm her down but she kept screaming. So after a while the doctors' tone became monotonous and they rolled their eyes; annoyed with the patient. They both still did a good job, just the feeling of annoyance still lingers even after the procedure ended. They still gave the best advice to the patient but I can sense they're not exactly happy with the patient due to the fact she didn't take care of herself well and ended up in the hospital often.

 Quite a few incidents make me self-reflect and try to instill my passion for medic deeper; so that one day I'll be able to practice happily. Currently, I'm in the obgyn department. Day 1 and I already decided that obgyn is not for me. 😂 Hopefully this bad stigma will change at the end of the attachment. We'll see!

Test

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

I don't usually write about my days any more, but I feel like writing this one out because it gave me a big of an impact (not really, just more than usual) and a big ibrah to myself.

I was set to sit for my exam on one fine day, after 2 weeks of waiting. The teacher seems to be busy, so he was postponing the exam dates for quite some time. The time was set at 1pm. I planned to go there slightly early, to revise while waiting for my friend. I even bunked my class on that day. (I informed the teacher about my exam, he asked me to just cover it later)

I went to the hospital where the exam will be, I met my lubov and previous groupmates along the way. They wished me well and I bid them goodbye. It was 11.45am. I thought to myself, I was still quite early, so I just waited downstairs. I saw these 2 girls changing into their labcoats. I asked them if they're seating for exam too, to which they responded, yes. I asked them what time was the exam (I have this anxiety about exam so yes) and they told me it's at 1pm.

I got a text from my friend, asking if the exam is going to start soon. I told him, it couldn't be cos it's not even 12pm. He was on his way to where I was. I had a hunch so I went up, and to my surprise, there were bunch of students queuing up in front of the teacher's office to take the exam card. It was just 12pm. The teacher told that he will only be taking 11 students and guess what? I'm the 12th.

I just queued, and hoping that he will just let me sit for the exam. When it came for my turn, he told me to come again next week. I asked, "for sure?" He raised his voice in anger. He said he's a busy person and he will take exam as he wishes. I asked that cos he has been postponing the dates and I have dateline to catch. I noticed a guy came after me. After got scolded, I went out, in dismay trying to calm myself down.

Turns out one of the 11 students couldn't sit for the exam. Since I went out, the guy after me gets to in and do his exam instead.

Another girl came after me and begged the teacher to just let us 2 to sit for the exam. His decision was final - he won't allow us at all. She asked, "why did you start the exam early? you told us at 1pm. now its only 12.15pm" He said while pointing to the fellow batch mate, "Ask your friends why they come early! I'm busy, but if I have nothing to do I will take the exam early."

I left the room, with so many emotions at once.

1. I feel betrayed by my own batch mates. They came an hour early to secure their seats when they know I too want to sit for the exam. It's okay, I don't consider them as friends. I know they are too desperate to sit for the exam cos they wanna cheat so.. That's like whatever lah.

2. I was in shocked on why did the teacher threw his tantrum on me when he never even met me before, and I just asked that one question - to which he probably thought of me mocking him or questioning his authority.

3. I was waiting for this exam to be settled too long till I get so demotivated to do anything at all.

Results of mixed emotions? Tears. I couldn't handle and comprehend the selfishness and rudeness of these inhumane human. I have never ever cried for any examinations at all before in my life. Not even when I repeated semesters. Not even that. I'm not angry or sad that I couldn't sit for exam, but I just hate the injustice, selfishness and rudeness. That is totally not acceptable for me.

Shana texted me. I told her what happened in the text while crying.

I called my mom. Sobbing.

"you selsema ke nangis ni?"
"nangis.."
"kenapa dik?"
* I told her the whole thing *
"it's okay! this is a test from Allah. no use of you feeling all angry and disappointed if you don't tell to Allah your problem. and you know what? You have to be grateful for He is protecting you from even seating with those people who are selfish and cheat"
*sobbing.. crying..*
"you take a deep breath, calm yourself down and you will figure this out. doa banyak-banyak.."


I sat down at the bus stop, talking to my mom, and eventually stopped sobbing. I took a walk, taddabur the sky. Muhasabah. Alhamdullilah upon everything. Every single thing.

Alhamdulillah I felt better. By the time I met up with Shana and Alya, I felt a lot better. The things they do to cheer me up, it was so cute. Thank you lubovs :)

I told this matter to few people and some told me that it's a blessing. Maybe if I have sat that exam I wouldn't be able to answer or anything. Yes, I believe in rizq. So I am letting it go.

As for moral of the story.
  1. syukur upon anything happened to you. there must be a real reason why God never allow you to have something.
  2. don't be like them. even if you're angry, don't lash it out on other people. even if you're sad, don't show your frown to other people. they are not your punching bag.
  3. don't be selfish. it won't bring you anywhere in life. you may get the grades but you have no self-respect or whatsoever.
  4. do your best, let Allah do the rest!
  5. surround yourself with the trustworthy ones.
  6. reflect your relationship with God. I have to admit, I have been a little bit down lately, hence the over working lacrimal gland for petty dunya things.

It's fine now.
I am moving on. *flips hijab*

My friend and I are planning to do the exam this week. Please pray for us, pray that the teacher will be in a great mood to let us sit for the exam, pray that we will get the questions we know.

And insyaAllah, the week after, I planned for my another exam with another friend as well. Pray for us, so that we can go through this exam in a breeze and ease. My graduating friends too are struggling with their subjects. Please pray that all of us manage to settle every thing in time.

Like my mama said, we can plan, but Allah knows better.

Trust in His timing but not to forget to give our best.


Declassified : Hijab II

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

FHS : frequently heard statements.

"i tak ready nak pakai lagi.."
It's okay. Take your time, but make sure you have the intention that eventually will make the move. At least have a timeframe or something. At least lah.


"I tak nak pakai kalau i tak ikhlas. Rasa hipokrit"
The truth is, we never know when we are truly sincere doing something. I'm talking about the sincerest sincere. Have you ever felt in your life the real sincerity? It's difficult to know. Bet the angels wouldn't know as well. This is strictly between us and God.

Nevertheless, you won't get sincerity by just waiting and without putting any effort. Sincerity is something we gained along the way. Nobody starts anything with 100% sincerity. It starts with difficulty and hard work - then sincerity will string along the way.

Hypocrite - is it really? If you tried and you know you're putting real efforts to be sincere; it's not hypocritical at all. Allah knows. If the people are saying bad things, let them be. They're not the ones that will grant you paradise in the end.

"Those people with hijab and bad attitudes makes me don't wanna wear it. Menyampah with them, wears hijab but attitude like what only."

Or

"Those hijabis are not saints. We non hijabis are having a better attitude than them"

Stop looking at other people and start looking at yourself. Why don't you change the stigma? Lets have a good attitude with the hijab on. Plus, everyone has different ways of doing things. Some start with wearing hijab, some start with their akhlaq / attitude. Either way it's not wrong. At least you're going somewhere.


"I wanna wear but I'm scared I'll take it off"
It's okay. Just wear it. Remember the steps I shared before? Yes. Do all that. Don't count the chicken before the eggs hatch. Stop worrying things that are not going to happen yet.

The thing with good deeds / ibadah; don't think too much of it. Do as what NIKE says. Just do it. If you think too much, you might ended up doing nothing. Nada. It will be a great loss!

***

Find your inspiration to start. Find your ways to istiqamah. Have a strong heart! May Allah eases your affairs. ♥️

After Laughter

I know I'm such a kipas of "secret love" for years, and I stopped being a kipas after that whole drama that breaks my faith on their long friendship. Their self-titled was not bad, but I didn't even care. I only listened to them recent years and I realised it was still good as before. I was with team Joshley on creative idea so I had a little doubt how they gonna continue without Joshley. Apparently Tayley is as good as Joshley. Self-titled was good. But this time around, I don't know why it is so different. I am digging their new sound and new direction.

Yes, it wasn't all angsty like before. People grow and so are they. I'm loving their 80's-like sound with heavy words. I can relate to it for sure. I thought RIOT era was dark enough but nope, now it gets even darker with funkier sound. I now realised they used to have heavy riff with serious lyrics but never this dark. It is as real as it could be. It's about life, friendship and love; like it was before. They're just entering different phases of life. 

Not gonna go into too much details of the tracklist, but for sure track 1-3 is my favourite so far. Track 11 is unique and out of this world. Track 7 reminds me of our traditional sound.

So, what comes after laughter?

After laughter comes the tears?

No, after laughter comes the truth.

Rating : 4 / 5