word vomit

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
today seems like just another day.

I was reading an article and it got me thinking.

whatever that has happened, happened and cannot be changed. be it good or bad, it already happened. what's important now is the present day and how you've become to be. whether you've learn something out of it or not, that is entirely up to you. there's nothing you can do to change the past - and that's okay. even if you are able to travel back in time using the particle accelerator or what-not, a single disruption of the past would entirely change who you are today! and that's not cool.

there's no use to dwell in the past - even when it was great. it has gone and can never be returned. cherish the present, the moments you are living now, and live to the fullest so in the future you will never regret of things you have done or have not done.

I know I am not that broken or lost compared to whole lot of others; I have been blessed by wonderful people around me. but that doesn't stop from me feeling broken and lost on some days. I am in fact a human - weak, unworthy and just vulnerable. having knowledge or understanding of things does not guarantee of being so well all the time, if you are a human by nature. we all make mistakes and sins; but the better of us will apologize and repent where as some of us continue to live in such dark pathway. having the ability to see the light, does not guarantee you to have the strength to walk into in. it's something you have to work on your own and nobody can help you 100 percent; they can merely guide you there.

today, these past years mean so much to me than it ever was. I realised that I've been stuck at a limbo for quite sometime as I wasn't ready to let go of the past. no matter what I do, I was never really living the moment. I had no idea what was going on, other than trying to fool myself. I may be able to figure out about others, but when it comes to figuring out about me, I wasn't sure of myself. never was.

today, I'd like to try to make a difference, and try to get myself to do things that takes me to better place. and I'd like to request for your prayers of me being well, physically, spiritually, and mentally.

don't you forget;
be grateful of yourself today.
be thankful that you are well, alive, in your own way that God has blessed you.

Test

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
I don't usually write about my days any more, but I feel like writing this one out because it gave me a big of an impact (not really, just more than usual) and a big ibrah to myself.

I was set to sit for my exam on one fine day, after 2 weeks of waiting. The teacher seems to be busy, so he was postponing the exam dates for quite some time. The time was set at 1pm. I planned to go there slightly early, to revise while waiting for my friend. I even bunked my class on that day. (I informed the teacher about my exam, he asked me to just cover it later)

I went to the hospital where the exam will be, I met my lubov and previous groupmates along the way. They wished me well and I bid them goodbye. It was 11.45am. I thought to myself, I was still quite early, so I just waited downstairs. I saw these 2 girls changing into their labcoats. I asked them if they're seating for exam too, to which they responded, yes. I asked them what time was the exam (I have this anxiety about exam so yes) and they told me it's at 1pm.

I got a text from my friend, asking if the exam is going to start soon. I told him, it couldn't be cos it's not even 12pm. He was on his way to where I was. I had a hunch so I went up, and to my surprise, there were bunch of students queuing up in front of the teacher's office to take the exam card. It was just 12pm. The teacher told that he will only be taking 11 students and guess what? I'm the 12th.

I just queued, and hoping that he will just let me sit for the exam. When it came for my turn, he told me to come again next week. I asked, "for sure?" He raised his voice in anger. He said he's a busy person and he will take exam as he wishes. I asked that cos he has been postponing the dates and I have dateline to catch. I noticed a guy came after me. After got scolded, I went out, in dismay trying to calm myself down.

Turns out one of the 11 students couldn't sit for the exam. Since I went out, the guy after me gets to in and do his exam instead.

Another girl came after me and begged the teacher to just let us 2 to sit for the exam. His decision was final - he won't allow us at all. She asked, "why did you start the exam early? you told us at 1pm. now its only 12.15pm" He said while pointing to the fellow batch mate, "Ask your friends why they come early! I'm busy, but if I have nothing to do I will take the exam early."

I left the room, with so many emotions at once.

1. I feel betrayed by my own batch mates. They came an hour early to secure their seats when they know I too want to sit for the exam. It's okay, I don't consider them as friends. I know they are too desperate to sit for the exam cos they wanna cheat so.. That's like whatever lah.

2. I was in shocked on why did the teacher threw his tantrum on me when he never even met me before, and I just asked that one question - to which he probably thought of me mocking him or questioning his authority.

3. I was waiting for this exam to be settled too long till I get so demotivated to do anything at all.

Results of mixed emotions? Tears. I couldn't handle and comprehend the selfishness and rudeness of these inhumane human. I have never ever cried for any examinations at all before in my life. Not even when I repeated semesters. Not even that. I'm not angry or sad that I couldn't sit for exam, but I just hate the injustice, selfishness and rudeness. That is totally not acceptable for me.

Shana texted me. I told her what happened in the text while crying.

I called my mom. Sobbing.

"you selsema ke nangis ni?"
"nangis.."
"kenapa dik?"
* I told her the whole thing *
"it's okay! this is a test from Allah. no use of you feeling all angry and disappointed if you don't tell to Allah your problem. and you know what? You have to be grateful for He is protecting you from even seating with those people who are selfish and cheat"
*sobbing.. crying..*
"you take a deep breath, calm yourself down and you will figure this out. doa banyak-banyak.."

I sat down at the bus stop, talking to my mom, and eventually stopped sobbing. I took a walk, taddabur the sky. Muhasabah. Alhamdullilah upon everything. Every single thing.

Alhamdulillah I felt better. By the time I met up with Shana and Alya, I felt a lot better. The things they do to cheer me up, it was so cute. Thank you lubovs :)

I told this matter to few people and some told me that it's a blessing. Maybe if I have sat that exam I wouldn't be able to answer or anything. Yes, I believe in rizq. So I am letting it go.

As for moral of the story.

1. syukur upon anything happened to you. there must be a real reason why God never allow you to have something.
2. don't be like them. even if you're angry, don't lash it out on other people. even if you're sad, don't show your frown to other people. they are not your punching bag.
3. don't be selfish. it won't bring you anywhere in life. you may get the grades but you have no self-respect or whatsoever.
4. do your best, let Allah do the rest!
5. surround yourself with the trustworthy ones.
6. reflect your relationship with God. I have to admit, I have been a little bit down lately, hence the over working lacrimal gland for petty dunya things.

It's fine now.
I am moving on. *flips hijab*

My friend and I are planning to do the exam this week. Please pray for us, pray that the teacher will be in a great mood to let us sit for the exam, pray that we will get the questions we know.

And insyaAllah, the week after, I planned for my another exam with another friend as well. Pray for us, so that we can go through this exam in a breeze and ease. My graduating friends too are struggling with their subjects. Please pray that all of us manage to settle every thing in time.

Like my mama said, we can plan, but Allah knows better.

Trust in His timing but not to forget to give our best.

Overwhelmed

The other day I was in my friend's house. I was wondering when is our therapy exam because the date was uncertain. I did ask a friend and my groupmate to ask for me about it. So I waited and waited because I need to know for sure; if there will be exam on the next day, I'd need to go to dekanat and take a permission.

So happens my friend forgot to ask about it. She was occupied; and I told her it was okay. I was secretly anxious. Later, I texted my my groupmate, he didn't reply. 10 minutes later, I called him; he didn't pick up.

I felt this sudden of overwhelm feeling.

Why didn't I ask the teacher myself? Was I that lazy? (Kinda) Why must I rely on someone to do something I could do my own? Why?

Then came the worse thoughts.

Why would I cross an ocean for someone I barely knew but I couldn't rely on someone else for myself? Why must I rely on someone when I can do it on my own..

Tears dropped.
I know. That was so uncalled for.
That moment itself, I was hoping they couldn't notice that I was crying.

Okay. I need to calm myself down. I wanted to search for some soothing music but then I remembered, the best remedy is the al-Quran.

I read few pages. I came across a few verses that made me in tears even more.

Why must I felt so negative about this if i know for sure Allah owns everything? I must've forgotten the tawakal concept and forgotten to rely on Him the most. 

I stopped reading, lie down and tried to calm myself down. I honestly felt like some kind of loser. Why did ever think of such provocative thoughts before? Allahu..

Lied down, still in tears.
Still overwhelmed, just on different side.
I inhaled, exhaled, istighfar. Did myself some introspection.
Alhamdulillah. I felt better. Much better. As if my burden was lifted. The power of inner peace. ♥️

I glanced at my phone;
"Kak, sorry I was asleep. Still no news about the exam."

And later that day;
"Next week will be the exam. Let's sit together."

See? Allah was just testing me with a little issue and I failed to overcome on first strike. While all along, He has planned for my exams next week without any of us knowing. (Means more time to study! More chances for me to put my effort)

God, I don't know where all these feelings that came flew in suddenly. I felt too many things at once. Such a woman to feel 1001 at the same time. 😅

Hard Times

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
There are days you are hardly holding yourself together, to do keep on doing things you need to do; for your own good. There comes a time where you are at the edge; barely stepping on the ground. Yes, it is exhausting and difficult.

Others wouldn't know you are struggling deep inside and the simple little things they say might trigger you. The next thing you know, you are already on the ground. Broken.

No, they don't mean it. They have no clue of what's going on in your head. All they see is you smiling, talking happily to your friends. They don't see the frown behind that smile. Nobody could. All they said is "You look terrible" because you usually looked better. That little comment runs through your head and then all that rants just keep flowing in.

Of course I looked terrible. I've been crying to my sleep, sleeping more than usual and battling my thoughts all week. If I could pull off a better look, I deserved an oscar. You had no idea how hard this is. You never asked whether I'm okay or alright or whether I'm fine. You just cared on how did I look? That's it. Thaaat's it!

Yea, that was kinda clean. My head sometimes screamed profanities while my facial expression remains calm. Don't ask why. I regret and ashamed of it as well.

But yes, that small thing that triggers is meant for you. God is testing your faith, dear. Whether you'll break down and cry to Him or break down and lost, astray from Him.

So what you gotta do?

Istighfar. You've been through a lot. You need some cleanse for your soul. Istighfar calms you and reminds you that it is human to make mistakes but you should seek for forgiveness.

Wudhu'. Amazingly, the water will calms you. The gesture of having your face, arms, head, feet washed is just wonderful. It also as if those little sins are washed away together with the water. Do it slowly. Feel the water flows.

Read the al-Quran. There are so many powerful verses in the al-Quran that could soothe your wound. Read its arabic and the translation. Allah doesn't bear anything upon you without knowing you can overcome it. This is a fact. Maybe you tend to forget this, but that's what al-Quran is about, to remind us. Human tends to forget. We are created in such manner, that's why we need to be reminded again and again.

Doa. Always and always pray to Allah to have a better heart, to be strong, sabar, istiqamah and tsabat in this deen. Allah never let a prayer unanswered. It might not be answered right away, but that shouldn't stop you from praying all day, everyday. :)

And when My servants ask you, [O Muhammad], concerning Me - indeed I am near. I respond to the invocation of the supplicant when he calls upon Me. So let them respond to Me [by obedience] and believe in Me that they may be [rightly] guided.

al-baqarah: Chapter 2, Verse 186
I've been feeling this a lot this past two weeks, and I'm telling myself not to break down and go astray; instead, find Him and find peace within His words and love. It's hard, having to deal with the things you can't describe. I wonder if this is a verge of my depression, trying to kick in. I hope I could overcome this matter. Biiznillah. 💪🏼

Extroverted Introvert II

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
I was given a task, to think of what are my strength, my weakness. Weakness? That's easy. I have tonnes! I wrote a lot on that. Strength? ..

I don't even know what's my strength. I resorted to ask my roommate to write what she thinks of my strength. She wrote down a few, and I had to reject some of her ideas -- because it doesn't feel like it's me.

She thinks I can manage my time well, when deep inside I loathe myself for not having my tasks organised in a day or even in a week. Everything was so out of place. She thinks I can mingle around very well; to which I respond : I hate meeting new people.

Then it occurred to me;

I am that extroverted introvert. I am introvert by nature : I like spending time on my own, my idea of holiday and having a good time is to lay around on my bed, reading stuff or watching videos I like, meeting new people scares me, I hate talking infront of a crowd. I hate changes (I hated the idea when my parents decided to move from where we stayed) I don't really bother of others' business at all and more.

but, since my path have cross with tarbiyyah I have decided to learn on how to be a little extrovert.

I meet new people, try to link a good relation with them. I go out and spend time with other people - possibly doing the things that I don't really like, but, yeah, for the sake of spending time, I'd go; I started to talk infront of a crowd; I join or sometimes held a mini reunion with some people (that's basically a dinner get together) I learn to lend a hand to others and learn to care about other people -- and many more.

Tarbiyyah has taught me to be something different than I actually am and that's not even hypocritical. You just become someone that is extra! Alhamdulillah for the tarbiyyah. Even if it takes me like 7 years to actually acquire this extra skills in life. Hehe.

Indeed, tarbiyyah is a process. A process that is going on, and on, in other for us to achieve something new and good. and insyaAllah to be istiqamah with it.

Has tarbiyyah knocked on your life yet?