I've been meaning to write this past couple of days.
It's unexplainable how the dark clouds parted and I am more at ease now. Looking back to what I wrote, I can't imagine myself in that situation, feeling those feelings. But it happened and now I can say I'm 'lifted'
About a week ago, I had one of those unpleasant episodes and I found myself having no one to talk to - or at least that was what I thought. I disconnect myself from mainstream socmed (read : instagram) as I feel it's building up unnecessary tension in me. I took some time to rethink the decision made, whether it was based on solely emotions or a need to get myself out of from the unhealthy situation.
I also took some time to reach out to a friend, whom I occasionally go to for some advises. At the time it was hard, explaining on how I feel and the situation I was in, because I can't tell them without having my tears rolling down my cheek. I didn't wanna talk, so I texted instead, which helped a lot to deliver the story. To be honest this was like the 8th person I vent on my situation and I wasn't told anything new. I was told something I've heard of from someone else before but amazingly, by His grace I supposed, I absolutely feel lifted the day after. I went on Youtube to find some self-help tips and recalculate my situation. That's when I was sure it was a right thing to disconnect with socmed. I started to feel much lighter, less bitter about the whole situation.
It turns out, when you feel you're wronged by someone, it eats you up so bad that whatever comes after that you can't move forward. You're stuck. Yeah, tell me about it. So in order to move forward, you need to acknowledge that whatever happened has happened and you need to let it go. Easier said than done, I'd say that. Took me forever to finally let things go, be at ease and to face come whatever may. Even when you are wronged, the best thing is to improve on how not to get into that same situation again. In my case, I felt like I'm always being lied to and always been given fake promises. I have to acknowledge that things changes. People changes. Situation changes. Nothing in this world is permanent. The only one that is solely will never let you down is God. No matter how close you are with someone, at the end of the day, everyone is for themselves. So, stop expecting from people more and just be the better person and not to do that to others. I've known someone that always try (and most of the time succeed) to compose himself whenever he's in a situation, be rational about it and try to solve it in the best way. I truly envy that, because I feel that's what I'm lacking off. I'm always too caught up with emotions that whenever I feel wronged, ALL the unpleasant memory will flow as well. I'm learning to compose myself, evaluate the situation and deal with it calmly.
When I met up with my new naqibah here and we just taaruf, talked about my background a little. When we met up for the liqa' with others, she reminded me of the things I used to really love and fought hard for. She reminded me of the love I used to hold dearly close to my heart that now is nowhere to be seen nor felt. The love for Him and His blessings. On the way home I told her what was going on with me, well knowing I was oversharing but I need her to know what kind of situation I was/am into so she'll know what to do. She said, God has plans for us all. We may not know the blessing yet but He knows it all. He's preparing me for bigger things in life. To which I said, I knew that and when whatever happened to me, it was so difficult to grasp that idea and understand the concept. When we caught up with emotions and feelings and what-not, every single thing became cloudy. Yes, we are humans after all. Seriously, she feels like a Godsend to me.
For now, I aimed to put less expectations on others, but try to do my best in everything. Be it relationships with family and friends, my work (Oh yes, I'm an intern of IMAM for now) my tarbiyah journey, my medical knowledge, and whatever that I can get opportunities to give back to others for Him.
Well, once a while I'd have my down moments juga la. A single hurtful text could really bring me down. I told myself, it's okay to feel hurt and sad, cry je lah if I want to, but make sure not to give other people the chance to doubt me. Means I have to try my best to rectify my situation. If it still fails, I've tried and God knows. biarlah Allah je kira. Effort tu, Allah tahu. It doesn't matter if other people don't wanna acknowledge that. I know God and I value my efforts and myself.
Alaa kulli hal, Alhamdulillah for all these things, alhamdulillah for everything. For all the wrongs I've done, I hope and pray that God can and will forgive me. I pray He won't forsake me and let me down to the wrong path. May all of us always be guided and granted patience for this world.
:)