Devastation and Reform

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
Recently, I've posted an excerpt of a story of  my junior; on how she was battling her mental health. She's now willing to share her full story and trying to reach out to others that couldn't or afraid to seek help.

This is written by Sofea herself.

Hi there, I'm Sofea. I'd like to share my story regarding my mental health and I hope you would do something more about it to create awareness on it. Thank you. An NGO (Relate Malaysia) has actually shared this and it has made a huge impact to a lot of people. 

I've been suffering from depression for quite sometime. I'm diagnosed with mixed anxiety-major depressive disorder. I attempted suicide countless times to the point that I was actually rushed to the ER. I overdosed three times on my antidepressants, drank chemical and I've been cutting myself. It's a long story as to why i got depressed. To make it short, I've had a bad childhood past until now. Parents got divorced when I was 10. I have 10 siblings and my mum single handedly took care of us. I used to be physically, mentally and sexually abused. But I choose not to point names. 

Despite the sufferings I've been through as a kid, I was actually a very good student. I excelled in both academic and curricular activities. I even held a lot of important posts. I was that active. People always call me as the girl who always smiles, who's never angry and mean to anyone. But little did they know that I've been masking my sadness all along. No one ever knew about it. 

After SPM, my father decided to take care of me and so I went to JB and studied there for my foundation. My father works in JB. When I was in JB that I started suffering from depression. I'd like to keep the details as to why I got depressed. At that time I also just got a boyfriend who is now my fiancé. He's the first boyfriend I've ever had and I hope he'd be the last as well haha. He was the one who noticed that I've gotten gloomier and always crying. We've always skyped. Since he lives in KL and I was in JB at that time. He tried to help me by talking to my parents about it. And guess what? He got lashed out by mother. My mum scolded me too and said that he's a just a stranger and nobody needs to know about our family problems. I felt even worse after something happened. Again I can't tell you what it was. But it scarred me so badly. My family didn't believe and neglected that I was depressed and condemned me. They said "tu lah tak ingat tuhan, sebabtu takda arah. Sofea belajar je. Takyah nak depress. You have to score. You have to be a doctor". I was broken by then. Again, I repeat. I was abused physically, mentally and sexually. 

So after my foundation, I came back to KL to live with my mum again. Things were already awkward and I was always given the 'mean' treatment. I started to work at Petrosains then. Because I truly am passionate in science and my ambition is to be a doctor. I kinda healed a bit when I was working there because I was surrounded by positive people and I enjoyed what I did. 

Later on I furthered my study in Russia, doing medicine. Things happened in Russia that broke me even more. My fiancé's father passed away, my friends became distant towards me, I fell sick with an erosion and bleeding stomach. Just imagine I was already depressed at that time. That's when I truly felt empty. At that point of time, all I think of was death. I just wanted to die. I told my fiancé that every single day. Every single day I got very bad panic attacks which no one knew about it. I was all alone and empty. 

Then it was our summer break, I was so happy that I got to be back in Malaysia with my fiancé. He brought me to see a psychiatrist and from there I got some medications. During the session with the psychiatrist, the psychiatrist said I wasn't stable and unfit to go back to Russia in the meantime m. The doctor was afraid that I'd be worse and might not even heal. So whether I liked it or not, my fiancé and I had to tell my parents about it. About differing my studies, about me seeing a psychiatrist. My dad was calm but he insisted that I still had to go to Russia. My mum on the other hand went berserk. 

On the day of my flight, my mum created a scene and called everyone and said that I mengada and tak bersyukur and that my fiancé was the one who's influencing me. She didn't even want to salam me when I wanted to say goodbye. My fiancé was the one who was supposed to bring me to the airport. I was so empty and broken. That's when I overdosed on my antidepressants. My fiancé rushed me to the ER in PPUM. And you know what hurt me even more? One of the doctors said "you're a medical student but you're a mess". Wow. How kind of her. I want everyone to know that I'm not giving up on my dreams. I just need to take a break and heal first. Tu je yang orang tak faham. 

After I was discharged, my dad decided to take care of me and bring me back to JB. I actually didn't want to because it'd remind me of the past that happened in JB. Then, I decided to attempt suicide by overdosing again. I was then rushed to the hospital in JB. In the ward I overdosed again because I was really agitated by the environment and I just felt empty. I suffered from bad side effects. My vision became blurry, I couldn't walk, I fell unconsciously in the toilet. After that I was sent to the psychiatric ward. 

Being in a psychiatric ward for almost a week makes me realise a lot of things. When I was first admitted here, I was so scared and alone. Other patients suffer from schizophrenia, BMD, A.C psychosis and etc. Some are aggressive, some are 'crazy', some talk to themselves. Some are over friendly to the point i felt uncomfortable,some pestered me for my phone,some cried to me that they wanna go home.I was afraid. I witnessed some patients kena ikat, menjerit meraung. Some even managed to get out and bled all over the bed coz she took out her needles. My days had been filled with screaming from some patients. I feel afraid and pity at the same time.At first I didn't open up to anyone of them. But since I'm the youngest here, they all treat me like I'm their younger sister.Despite their troubled issues, mental illness and childish attitude, kena ikat dengan police and all, they're actually very kind deep within. I realised that when I had my first panic attack here in the ward, some of the 'crazy' patients came to me and tried to calm me down. They held me and helped me to lie down on my bed. They tucked me into bed. Then they called the nurse that I'm hurt. I felt so touched. Ever since that, whenever i had panic attacks, they'd do the same exact thing to me. And I then told myself to not call them crazy. I opened up to them as they opened up to me. Kesian sangat dengar cerita dorg. Yes I've gone through shit. But they have no one. 

Eventhough I still do feel scared & get panic attacks whenever i hear a sudden scream and all the gaduh between the patients, police & doctors, I now feel very sympathetic towards them. They have been kind to me.They gave me sweets, snacks everytime I breakdown.They'd stroke my hair. Everyday I pray to God that He will ease things for them. They deserve to be happy too. Eventho they're 'crazy', they never once hurt me. As a matter of fact, I feel like I've grown to love them. And when I'm discharged, I'm truly gonna miss them. As a matter of fact, I feel like I've grown to love them. And when I'm discharged, I'm truly gonna miss them. 

When I was having my session with some psychiatrists, one of the doctors said he sees and believes that one day I'll be an amazing person, a good doctor based on the session we had. I was so happy and touched. The doctors told me that I'm not at fault and I'm not a burden. They understand the struggles that I've been through. I want to emphasise, never underestimate the power of kind words.Some patients pleaded to me with so much tears, you have no idea how it broke my heart.

From someone who is suffering and is actually diagnosed with mixed anxiety-major depressive disorder, here's an advice : Please be kind and considerate. Be gentle with your words. Never condemn. Listen and understand. Help. Be nice. Be loving. No, I'm not seeking for attention. I just need this issue regarding mental illness to not be taken lightly. It could cost someone's lives. Remember, healing is a PROCESS.
No one heals in a nick of time. Some people heal and THEN FALL DOWN, get back up and fall again. It might even be on repeat. But then finally they get back up, STRONGER as ever.
Being in this psychiatric ward makes me realise that i want to make a change. I want mental illness to stop being stigmatised. The experience that I'm currently going through now makes me feel more motivated to be a help to others eventhough I myself am suffering. It took me a lot of guts to share this. I feel so happy that a lot of people have come to me and share their stories. Some even are already trying to seek help after knowing my story. You have no idea how happy I feel to make an impact to others. 

After my story has been spread widely on Twitter (my account is @eilyasofea), I've been getting a lot of response from people. Some are even seeking for professional help now. I'm happy that I made an impact in people's lives. I was from Convent Bukit Nanas and I held a lot of important posts. One of them is i was the International Understanding (IU) Director in interact club. I hosted an IU Day about 'Change' and the event was a huge success. We've got a lot of sponsors (some of them were DBKL, NMIT, CIMB, Nestle, Vitagen etc) and the total profit that we got was more than RM30k. Truly. Then we distributed the money to 5 homes (oku, aids, orang tua etc) and the balance was given to the school to renovate etc. I was only 17 at that time and I've created a huge success. Though I'm struggling with MADD right now, I still aspire to inspire people. I want to be a mental health advocate/doctor one day. I hope you'd read this and give me a response. If there is any voluntary work that I can do, feel free to contact me. I'd love to receive all the positivity that I can get. Thank you so much.  

Best regards, Sofea. 

Heavy

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
The song "hate to see your heart break" from Paramore was written out of empathy towards her best friend; when she saw him in the state of life hitting him hard on his face and was hopeless, she feels as if she was breaking too.

Empathy is something you can understand and share feelings of another person. It is said as an emotional intelligent thing. This is something you don't learn in school; well, not in the syllabus anyway. It's through relationship (be it family or friends) and experience you'd be able to develop empathy. Don't mistaken empathy and sympathy. Sympathy is as simple as feeling sorry for others when you might not actually understand what's going on. Empathy is a deeper feeling, as you can actually feel what they're feeling.

In a recent post, I was writing about empathy towards people having depression and suicidal episodes. I am actually intrigued with my junior because she is having a rough time herself and getting herself treatments but at the same time she's sharing her stories in order to educate others. In doing so, she is actually helping other helpless folks and like what I told her, it's a great thing to do. I bet it wasn't easy to be open and talk about the most private and vulnerable things in your life but she did it.

It made me realise one thing;
people who are trying (so hard, if I may add) to help others that are in need are usually the ones who actually been there. They are the ones who knew how heavy it was to be helpless and how heavy it was when no one was there to help them out. They didn't want someone else feel and go through whatever they went through because it was really bad. Unfortunately, sometimes these people are too busy helping others that they didn't have the chance to help themselves.

I saw someone wrote (I forgot who and where did I stumbled upon it though) about how certain artists address mental health issue and how to get things through in their songs or act because they knew how it felt like. She said that some of these artists are like holding the lights and reaching out others (in order to help them get through things) but at the same time it's draining them and they became darker. It was like how Robin Williams was, he made everyone happy while he himself isn't. That's the dangerous part of depression; these people hid it so well and you wouldn't even know that they're having a rough time. They will keep a good smile upon their face whenever they're out with others but once they're all by themselves (or with the people they really trust) the broke down. They will be most unexpected person to be depressed. Sometimes things got out of hand and it'll be too late when you know it.

I feel like it's so twisted;
sometimes the person you think don't need help / cheering are the ones that need them the most.

So, be nice to everyone. You never know what they're going / they've been through.

Conversations With Stranger

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
This morning I got ready for class and headed to bus stop with Nini. It was around 8.15 when we reached the bus stop. 10 minutes passed and there was no bus at all. Nini said she wanted to take the bus at the other bus stop and but I told her I'd want to wait for 5 more minutes. So, I waited and waited. There was no bus. at. all. I didn't realise how long I've waited but it seemed that only 30 minutes till class starts.

I ordered a cab from the app and  5 minutes later the driver came. He was in his late 50s I supposed. I told him I waited the bus for like almost 20 minutes and there was none. He said the traffic was bad on some roads so the bus must have stuck some where. As usual, I was asked where I'm from. As I told Malaysia, he said he knew that. (Believe me quite a number do not know where Malaysia is)

"the young ones probably didn't where's malaysia, but I do," he said

I didn't remember exactly how he started to talk about ISIS and Syria. He said that Muslims will not do such terror, as they have the al-Quran and same as the Christians that has the bibles. If they do terror things, they are not truly Muslims. It's a tragedy that things been going on and a lot of lives have lost along the way. He also talked about North Korea, Trump and all sort of things. It was too overwhelming. I felt that it was too early to talk about these heavy issues in the morning. Unfortunately my vocabulary is limited regarding this topic so I had to converse in simpler words. Like a small kid's vocab, haha. It's nice to have this kind of things to talk about, I really like how he was so open about it - considering I am a stranger to him, a foreigner here and I am a Muslim.

He was also telling me that he learned few English when we was in Africa. "one, two, three, four, five." he recalled excitedly. Well, that was all he remembered, haha. He did study well in order for him to get scholarships. It wasn't fully paid, but at least he didn't have to pay so much for his education. He too told me to study well and be a good doctor.

"study, study, study," he said. He was quoting Lenin.
"study till you die," I responded
"yes! you should study well and be a good doctor."
"yeah but currently in my country there's a lot of graduates but few places to work. but we have a lot of patients"
"doctors are needed because patients will be in a large number. look at what we're eating now"
"yeah, true"
"we used to eat natural things. but now it's all chemical." he said
"you know there is a bread that can last up to 2 months," I was thinking of Harry's.
"Bread supposed to last about 3 days!"
"Yeah, it was all chemical in the bread."


When I was about to reach the hospital, I checked my bag only to realise that I didn't bring my purse. I only had coins for bus fares and that was it. OMG. Like what the heck is wrong with me! He noticed and asked what went wrong and I told him what happened. He just laughed. I was a little panic, I asked him if I could give him a call and pay him later. But, thanked God for technology, I can use the app to pay the cab fares with my bankcard. *phew* I thanked him and we bid our goodbye.

One More Light

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
Couple of days ago I saw a junior from my university posted photos in her instagram stories. She's back in Malaysia and in a hospital attire. At first I thought she was undergoing some treatment - which she is but it was not for any physical illness.

She's in a psy ward. She has been battling depression for years and she was suicidal. She had multiple scars and there was even one that fully heals. She has been taking medication and now still seeking for help. Coming from a girl that I thought was living a happy, cheerful and active life, I was shocked. I didn't think she could be one of those that would have these problems. She is a bright brilliant girl and to know that she's going through such pain, it really breaks my heart. I truly feel empathy for her, even though we barely know each other. I wish her to get better and keep on being strong.

This depression and anxiety are real illness that most people tend to overlook. People easily dismiss them just because there is no proof of physical damage or can't be seen in x-rays or ultrasound and what-not.

I have to admit, I was one of those who had the stigma : when you have a religion, when you have faith, you shouldn't have depression. I bet there are a lot of you out there has been told similar things. Looking back, I was one of those jerk who dismissed these problems by shoving faith as the solution. You see, it is not the only solution, it is part of the solution. There's more things to be done besides emphasising on faith and we are not looking for the right direction.

Depression and anxiety have no favours. Just because you have a religion and have faith of God, that doesn't mean you can't get these illness. What? You think you're a muslim you can't get depressed and anxious? I knew someone who has been battling anxiety and depression for quite some time and no one would actually believe that she has it because, guess what? Because she's "religious". When she tried to get help, (probably didn't go to the right person) the person told her "what? don't you have Allah? why are you like this?" Can you imagine how she was feeling? I felt sorry for her but I also felt super useless because I couldn't help her - I don't know how to. It was heartbreaking to see her in that situation. She eventually found a way out and slowly got better. She's now doing much better and I wish her the best as well.

Come to think of it, when I had my dark depressive-like days, I'm pretty sure it wasn't as bad as what others went through. I mean, I didn't have to take any medication, I didn't injure myself and for that I am really really thankful. I must have probably feel only like 10% of the real depression - and that was already painful enough for me. I wasn't eating (it's super odd if you know me well) I didn't want to see anyone even my closest family and friends. I cancelled all my plans that I was so excited of initially but just couldn't pull myself together to get through. There was this emptiness in me, and it was scary because I kinda like how the emptiness hovers me at first. It went on for days and I felt like I can't get out of it. I didn't know who to talk to, and how to be free of this unwanted feelings. I want to make things better but I can't. I was stuck in a limbo. There are some episodes when it happened and I was asked "kau dah kenapa?" and I said I don't know; because I truly didn't know what was going on. I don't remember exactly how long and how I managed myself through but alhamdulillah I did it. I am not 100% over some issues, to be honest. I guess it kinda stay with you and it depends on yourself how you manage things and pull it through. This then actually gave me a view on depression and anxiety on a different perspective. I now feel more empathy for people battling with these things.

To whoever that's having a rough time, having all sorts of depression, anxiety and any mental illness;
It's okay. It's okay to have them. It's okay to admit that you're having them. It's important to realise what's going on in order to seek help. Also, be strong. I know it's hard to trust people since most of them dismiss you, but I bet there are some out there truly a gem and cares for you. They do. Just be sure to look out for them and get whatever necessary help. Different people handle things differently so I believe that different people will need different methods to manage things through. Most importantly, love yourself, take care of yourself.

To those who know someone that might be having a rough time, try to understand them and be supportive. Don't simply judge and most importantly don't tell them that "it's nothing. get over it." cos it's not easy to do so. Healing takes time. Sometimes all you need to do is just be with them, without saying a word. Just let them know they're not alone.


p/s :  This morning I was watching One More Light video that Hahn and Shinoda dedicated to Chester Bennington. You see, Chester was sexually abused when he was a kid and that probably just didn't go away at all. Not to say that was solely the cause of his suicide but these things add up. Some things you just can't forget and it will always be a part of you whether you like it or not. Yeah, that sucks.

Love

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
The thing about love. They make you feel these feelings and you can't do anything to stop them. I still wonder whether if it's worth it; as I don't feel the equivalent depth of happiness in comparison to sadness. Maybe I just value love differently as others do and that alone easily hurt me. Love isn't all about how long you've known each other or have been together. It's about how you move yourself towards their groove and vice versa. It's definitely a two-ways communication thing. It takes two to tango kind of thing. Sorry if that's a weird way to put it but that's how I see it. I'm not sure if this is me trying to redefine love as it already is, but I sure do think there's more to love on what's it all about than you'd actually realise.

Hey, I'm not talking about love being typically stereotyped as boy-girl relationship or soulmates or whatever; but I'm talking about love as whole. Be it with your family, your friends and your anything. For me personally, I am actually careful on who I let into my inner circle because I learnt for a fact that sometimes you just can't force people into your lives. Some things just come naturally without needing so much effort. To keep them float, yes, your efforts are very much required.

I'm interested with what Anwar Hadi once said, when he was asked how did he know his wife was the one. He said something about you wanting to make things work with the other person. Like you wouldn't mind going through high and dry in order to make things work with them. That's true.

But what if you can't choose the person you love? Like in your family for example. You don't ask to be with them and when you can't even fit yourself with them - how's that going to be? Why bother to make things work if they're not gonna?

(I am so going to write this with tears, help me)

First of all, I am so so blessed to have the family I have, despite what I've written and the ups and downs I've had. If I were to compare to others that are much less fortunate than I am, I wouldn't be who I am today. Family isn't my strongest forte; and I was jealous with those who are. Maybe I was just wired a little bit different that I do not see what others would see. For some reason I've always felt left out in the family, despite having two loving parents and two elder siblings. No matter what I do, I don't feel like I've done anything good for them. Somehow my memories of them are always of how disappointed I was with my family, even when I know they did too many good to me. It was always the bad ones over-weigh the good memories. Being the last child of the family would make you think you'd have all the attention but in my reality it wasn't. I somehow feel distant with my family when in truth I was always at home. (my other siblings went for boarding school) During my teen years was when I started to trust my friends over my family.

It may got out of hand, when I decided to study the furthest I could - Russia. I wasn't into medicine that much but I figured it would be neat to have a MD and like, help people. One of the strong reason why I chose Russia, so I could be away as I could from home.

Fortunately, it was the very place I learn that, as for family, we are entitled to love them unconditionally because that's what God would want us to do. If it wasn't for this, I wouldn't be holding on for so long. There are too many heartaches and disappointment I've been through with my family. Not that we're in non-talking terms or what-not but I'm a person that loves to connect deeply rather than superficially, so that's a bit of a problem. When I was in Russia and I got into this deep deep mess, I called them, they were at home. I remember very well, it was during the new year. I wanted to tell them, but they were having fun at home, gathered around together so they were like heyyy what's upp, like they don't even care on what I was about to tell them. At the end, I couldn't utter the words. I put down the phone and just cried. Well that deep deep mess I was in, I had to pick myself up and took me like forever to do so. It even caused me to eventually repeated 3 semesters. I still have nightmares of that deep deep mess.

Ramadhan adinnasat : we may not realised how strong we were at the time; after the storm passes, we looked back and saw how far we've come to this day. Still wondering how did we survive. . . . Alhamdulillah aku tak jadi gila. 😂 #obsesilangit #contenganramadhan

A post shared by @syahaneez on Jun 6, 2017 at 10:09am PDT

That's me subtly tells the world that I was in deepest ocean deep mess and thanked God I didn't go insane for real.


Putting aside my bitter writings, in conclusion, as for love for the family; you have to respect and love them because that's what God told us to. As a person who's in faith of God, that's the reason that keeps me sane when it comes to family. Learn to put your differences aside and focus on the common ground. Even if you don't have any, just find that one damn common thing and hold on to it. So at least I'd die trying to make things work. At least I've done my part.

Suitcase, A Scarf and The Departure

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
Just in a blink of an eye, 66 days came to an end. My summer holidays has officially ended. This time I wasn't sure what to pack to Russia so I just bought things and gathered them around. One day before my flight I packed my bag in 15 minutes. Yes. 15 minutes. It's possible, when you already have a mental check of what to put in the luggage I supposed. I'd be lying if I say I wasn't feeling a little proud of myself. I have always hated packing and unpacking stuff so 15 minutes is a gold record.

The night before leaving we had sushi for dinner. It was nice to have a treat from my brother and his wife before going back. I love some family time, regardless which restaurant we went to or what we do. We rushed back home just to catch the final football match for SEA games. I can't remember when was the last time all of us gathered and it's almost impossible to do so nowadays when every one of us has their own commitment in life. It really makes me feel sad that I didn't really appreciate the time we spent when we were whole. It also made me realised that I am actually sentimental towards this kind of thing but I locked up this part of me for I don't know what reason. While writing this, I feel a little homesick and that, my friend, is something unusual because a) not even week has passed since I left and b) I can count on my one hand on how many times I get homesick since 2009. I guess being in the quarter life zone changes your views and emotions, eh?

I wrote about dwelling and living in the past and trying to move on my previous post and I'd like to say that there has been some progress. It's super slow but hey, at least I'm on the move. A couple of years before I've been questioning who I am because I can't seem to know the answer. It feels weird and scary not knowing who yourself are. I did found some cliche answers but it didn't feel like it answered my question. I can't describe myself well. I don't know what to say about myself. I tried talking to one of my friend about this and I've been dismissed. I never speak about it to anyone ever again. So I'd like to do some self searching and try to get to know myself more. Make mental note on them. :)

I believe 3 semesters will be a blink of an eye as well. I hope I'll make most of it, improve on few things in life, and most importantly, be grateful as ever.

word vomit

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
today seems like just another day.

I was reading an article and it got me thinking.

whatever that has happened, happened and cannot be changed. be it good or bad, it already happened. what's important now is the present day and how you've become to be. whether you've learn something out of it or not, that is entirely up to you. there's nothing you can do to change the past - and that's okay. even if you are able to travel back in time using the particle accelerator or what-not, a single disruption of the past would entirely change who you are today! and that's not cool.

there's no use to dwell in the past - even when it was great. it has gone and can never be returned. cherish the present, the moments you are living now, and live to the fullest so in the future you will never regret of things you have done or have not done.

I know I am not that broken or lost compared to whole lot of others; I have been blessed by wonderful people around me. but that doesn't stop from me feeling broken and lost on some days. I am in fact a human - weak, unworthy and just vulnerable. having knowledge or understanding of things does not guarantee of being so well all the time, if you are a human by nature. we all make mistakes and sins; but the better of us will apologize and repent where as some of us continue to live in such dark pathway. having the ability to see the light, does not guarantee you to have the strength to walk into in. it's something you have to work on your own and nobody can help you 100 percent; they can merely guide you there.

today, these past years mean so much to me than it ever was. I realised that I've been stuck at a limbo for quite sometime as I wasn't ready to let go of the past. no matter what I do, I was never really living the moment. I had no idea what was going on, other than trying to fool myself. I may be able to figure out about others, but when it comes to figuring out about me, I wasn't sure of myself. never was.

today, I'd like to try to make a difference, and try to get myself to do things that takes me to better place. and I'd like to request for your prayers of me being well, physically, spiritually, and mentally.

don't you forget;
be grateful of yourself today.
be thankful that you are well, alive, in your own way that God has blessed you.

summer attachment

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
Last couple of week I did my attachment in orthopedic department at HSAH, Sg Petani. Overall the experience was good. (Why does it feel like I'm about to give a review, lol) The head of department was cool, the specialists, MO, HO are all helpful and friendly. I understand it must be a hustle (and bore) to entertain us medical students while you're working. Thank you for letting me learn and willingly explain the littlest and silliest thing I've asked. I never learnt their names (I'm very bad at this) but I'm pretty sure they didn't remember mine either, so we're even. 😛

 One of my memorable case in the ward was the one when they did wound debridement (I think, I can't remember! Omg why didn't I write this sooner) on this 60s Malay uncle. It was a quite painful because they had to cut some slough and dark edges of the skin that has gone bad due to the diabetic foot. This uncle non-stop saying his istighfar and never once he screamed. Somehow it made the doctors job easier; when the patient is calm and collected, the doctors can focus on their work. On the contrary, similar case with the 30s malay female that kept screaming because she was in pain. Both doctors did try to calm her down but she kept screaming. So after a while the doctors' tone became monotonous and they rolled their eyes; annoyed with the patient. They both still did a good job, just the feeling of annoyance still lingers even after the procedure ended. They still gave the best advice to the patient but I can sense they're not exactly happy with the patient due to the fact she didn't take care of herself well and ended up in the hospital often.

 Quite a few incidents make me self-reflect and try to instill my passion for medic deeper; so that one day I'll be able to practice happily. Currently, I'm in the obgyn department. Day 1 and I already decided that obgyn is not for me. 😂 Hopefully this bad stigma will change at the end of the attachment. We'll see!

Test

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
I don't usually write about my days any more, but I feel like writing this one out because it gave me a big of an impact (not really, just more than usual) and a big ibrah to myself.

I was set to sit for my exam on one fine day, after 2 weeks of waiting. The teacher seems to be busy, so he was postponing the exam dates for quite some time. The time was set at 1pm. I planned to go there slightly early, to revise while waiting for my friend. I even bunked my class on that day. (I informed the teacher about my exam, he asked me to just cover it later)

I went to the hospital where the exam will be, I met my lubov and previous groupmates along the way. They wished me well and I bid them goodbye. It was 11.45am. I thought to myself, I was still quite early, so I just waited downstairs. I saw these 2 girls changing into their labcoats. I asked them if they're seating for exam too, to which they responded, yes. I asked them what time was the exam (I have this anxiety about exam so yes) and they told me it's at 1pm.

I got a text from my friend, asking if the exam is going to start soon. I told him, it couldn't be cos it's not even 12pm. He was on his way to where I was. I had a hunch so I went up, and to my surprise, there were bunch of students queuing up in front of the teacher's office to take the exam card. It was just 12pm. The teacher told that he will only be taking 11 students and guess what? I'm the 12th.

I just queued, and hoping that he will just let me sit for the exam. When it came for my turn, he told me to come again next week. I asked, "for sure?" He raised his voice in anger. He said he's a busy person and he will take exam as he wishes. I asked that cos he has been postponing the dates and I have dateline to catch. I noticed a guy came after me. After got scolded, I went out, in dismay trying to calm myself down.

Turns out one of the 11 students couldn't sit for the exam. Since I went out, the guy after me gets to in and do his exam instead.

Another girl came after me and begged the teacher to just let us 2 to sit for the exam. His decision was final - he won't allow us at all. She asked, "why did you start the exam early? you told us at 1pm. now its only 12.15pm" He said while pointing to the fellow batch mate, "Ask your friends why they come early! I'm busy, but if I have nothing to do I will take the exam early."

I left the room, with so many emotions at once.

1. I feel betrayed by my own batch mates. They came an hour early to secure their seats when they know I too want to sit for the exam. It's okay, I don't consider them as friends. I know they are too desperate to sit for the exam cos they wanna cheat so.. That's like whatever lah.

2. I was in shocked on why did the teacher threw his tantrum on me when he never even met me before, and I just asked that one question - to which he probably thought of me mocking him or questioning his authority.

3. I was waiting for this exam to be settled too long till I get so demotivated to do anything at all.

Results of mixed emotions? Tears. I couldn't handle and comprehend the selfishness and rudeness of these inhumane human. I have never ever cried for any examinations at all before in my life. Not even when I repeated semesters. Not even that. I'm not angry or sad that I couldn't sit for exam, but I just hate the injustice, selfishness and rudeness. That is totally not acceptable for me.

Shana texted me. I told her what happened in the text while crying.

I called my mom. Sobbing.

"you selsema ke nangis ni?"
"nangis.."
"kenapa dik?"
* I told her the whole thing *
"it's okay! this is a test from Allah. no use of you feeling all angry and disappointed if you don't tell to Allah your problem. and you know what? You have to be grateful for He is protecting you from even seating with those people who are selfish and cheat"
*sobbing.. crying..*
"you take a deep breath, calm yourself down and you will figure this out. doa banyak-banyak.."

I sat down at the bus stop, talking to my mom, and eventually stopped sobbing. I took a walk, taddabur the sky. Muhasabah. Alhamdullilah upon everything. Every single thing.

Alhamdulillah I felt better. By the time I met up with Shana and Alya, I felt a lot better. The things they do to cheer me up, it was so cute. Thank you lubovs :)

I told this matter to few people and some told me that it's a blessing. Maybe if I have sat that exam I wouldn't be able to answer or anything. Yes, I believe in rizq. So I am letting it go.

As for moral of the story.

1. syukur upon anything happened to you. there must be a real reason why God never allow you to have something.
2. don't be like them. even if you're angry, don't lash it out on other people. even if you're sad, don't show your frown to other people. they are not your punching bag.
3. don't be selfish. it won't bring you anywhere in life. you may get the grades but you have no self-respect or whatsoever.
4. do your best, let Allah do the rest!
5. surround yourself with the trustworthy ones.
6. reflect your relationship with God. I have to admit, I have been a little bit down lately, hence the over working lacrimal gland for petty dunya things.

It's fine now.
I am moving on. *flips hijab*

My friend and I are planning to do the exam this week. Please pray for us, pray that the teacher will be in a great mood to let us sit for the exam, pray that we will get the questions we know.

And insyaAllah, the week after, I planned for my another exam with another friend as well. Pray for us, so that we can go through this exam in a breeze and ease. My graduating friends too are struggling with their subjects. Please pray that all of us manage to settle every thing in time.

Like my mama said, we can plan, but Allah knows better.

Trust in His timing but not to forget to give our best.

Declassified : Hijab II

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

FHS : frequently heard statements.

"i tak ready nak pakai lagi.."

It's okay. Take your time, but make sure you have the intention that eventually will make the move. At least have a timeframe or something. At least lah.

"I tak nak pakai kalau i tak ikhlas. Rasa hipokrit"

The truth is, we never know when we are truly sincere doing something. I'm talking about the sincerest sincere. Have you ever felt in your life the real sincerity? It's difficult to know. Bet the angels wouldn't know as well. This is strictly between us and God.

Nevertheless, you won't get sincerity by just waiting and without putting any effort. Sincerity is something we gained along the way. Nobody starts anything with 100% sincerity. It starts with difficulty and hard work - then sincerity will string along the way.

Hypocrite - is it really? If you tried and you know you're putting real efforts to be sincere; it's not hypocritical at all. Allah knows. If the people are saying bad things, let them be. They're not the ones that will grant you paradise in the end.

"Those people with hijab and bad attitudes makes me don't wanna wear it. Menyampah with them, wears hijab but attitude like what only."

Or

"Those hijabis are not saints. We non hijabis are having a better attitude than them"

Stop looking at other people and start looking at yourself. Why don't you change the stigma? Lets have a good attitude with the hijab on. Plus, everyone has different ways of doing things. Some start with wearing hijab, some start with their akhlaq / attitude. Either way it's not wrong. At least you're going somewhere.

"I wanna wear but I'm scared I'll take it off"

It's okay. Just wear it. Remember the steps I shared before? Yes. Do all that. Don't count the chicken before the eggs hatch. Stop worrying things that are not going to happen yet.

The thing with good deeds / ibadah; don't think too much of it. Do as what NIKE says. Just do it. If you think too much, you might ended up doing nothing. Nada. It will be a great loss!

***

Find your inspiration to start. Find your ways to istiqamah. Have a strong heart! May Allah eases your affairs. ♥️

Declassified : Hijab I

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

Recently I got a message from an old friend - whom I haven't met and chatted for ages.

"Sya, nak tanya, macamana you boleh pakai tudung and istiqamah?"

Silent.

This isn't the first time I've been asked this question, but I seemed to not know what to say exactly and even if I do, how do I address this issue in the most delicate manner?

Hijab is a pretty sensitive issue. I'm sure you are aware of that, Malaysians. Sometimes people criticise a little too much on things they're not supposed to.

Well, here goes nothing;

I'm not gonna tell you that it is a command from Allah to cover your aurat. It's a well-known fact. I'm sure you could as a 12 year old kid, and she'd answer that in a heartbeat. But did you realised it was mentioned in the Quran? In Surah an-Nur, the 24th chapter, verse 31

And tell the believing women to reduce [some] of their vision and guard their private parts and not expose their adornment except that which [necessarily] appears thereof and to wrap [a portion of] their headcovers over their chests and not expose their adornment except to their husbands, their fathers, their husbands' fathers, their sons, their husbands' sons, their brothers, their brothers' sons, their sisters' sons, their women, that which their right hands possess, or those male attendants having no physical desire, or children who are not yet aware of the private aspects of women. And let them not stamp their feet to make known what they conceal of their adornment. And turn to Allah in repentance, all of you, O believers, that you might succeed.

This is a fact we can't deny. We are told to guard ourselves and not to expose our aurat except as mentioned above.

If you ask most of the girls that are wearing hijab, "why do you put on hijab?" I bet most would it's a command from Allah.

but do we really?

Some might wear
- for the sake of parents (err, yeah, cos they would beat me to death if I don't wear hijab!)
- due to peer pressure (my friends are all with hijab. I don't wanna be left out)
- because of fashion (didn't you see that dUCk scarf? it's soooo cool! vivy is my mojo)
- because they're just lazy (I don't have to fix my hair everyday! yeay!)
- so that they can listen to music without the lecturer's noticing (la la laaa)

and the list goes on and on.

Don't you deny, these are the real deal. It is happening. Especially point 4 and 5 because I am once that kid. Haha!

Why do I bring up this matter? Because it affects your istiqamahness in a way. but yeah, taking the first step is a big thing. To be istiqamah is another huge thing. So, how to achieve istiqamah? Here are some tips for you :)

1. Put your intention into place.
   Yes this is crucial girls. It's no use when you have no nawaitu on things you do. The things we do are based on our intentions. If we intend for the world, that's all we got. If we put our intention for the greater cause (ie : akhirah) then we'll get both. This is a must, do not skip this step! It helps when you a lot. Well, it helped me a lot. I myself took 6-7 months to tanam my nawaitu you know. It ain't easy, I got you.
   
   
2. Keep track of your solat.
   Take care of your solat. If you don't know, learn. If you can't read, listen to the audio and practise. It's okay, baby steps will do till you can pray properly. If you know, do it. 5 times a day. Learn the meaning of your prayers in solat. Try to pray as khusyu' you can. This is a time where you are connected well with your Creator.
   
   
3. Surround yourself with positive people.
   It doesn't have to be hijabed girls. Any positive friends will do. As long they respect and are supportive with your decision, it's good enough. The best companion are those who reminds you of God tau! Doesn't have to be some religious group to remind you of God but if you have them, then it's good. In my case, I have very supportive non-muslim friends who reminds me of God, and till this day I love them dearly. (shout out! you know who you are xx)
   
   p/s :  this is crucial too cos who knows the days when you feel down, you might need them to boost you up! we don't need negativity and people who loves to bring us down.
   
   
4. Take a good role model to inspire you.
   A lot of celebrities have been having the similar issues but they pulled it through in front of the media eyes. To name a few, Farah Fauzana, Fynn Jamal, Mizz Nina, Wardina, Irma Hasmie and more. If they can do it, so can you :)
   
   
5. Make doa.
   Last but not least, pray to Allah for your istiqamahness and your firmness to this deen. Allah never missed to listen to our prayers. Remember that. Every time. Let your prayer be specific -- "Oh Allah, please don't let me get lost in this world, please let be be istiqamah in this deen, please let me have a heart to pray, please let my laziness to pray be gone, please accept my humble deeds..."

Personally to me, most essential is you do things because you wanna do it and you know it's right. Stop looking at other people and try to be them. Do it because you want to, and because it is the right thing to do. How can it not be right when our Creator Himself has been telling us to do it?

If you don't have the heart to do it, then find it. Find a reason to do it. If it really was for your parents/friends/fashion/etc - so be it. At least have it a go. Keep on finding a heart to do it sincerely for Him and for yourself. That's the key.

Remember, for every good intention there will be a plus point (of pahala) and whenever you do them it's a plus 2 points. Isn't it awesome?

Yeah, God is the Greatest.

PS : I've written about Aurat before this. To be exact, 6 years ago.

Run, Don't Walk

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
Recently we just had our Running Muslimah 2.0 in Kursk, where the girls and I were among the organisers. We had our first RM about 4 years back so we decided to make a comeback with bigger locations to cover.

I wanted to play, but just the thought of me running makes me feel I should just be a station master instead. (I don't run, yeah)

So here are few pictures with few words!

Opening + A little tazkirah about Women. :D

I was glad we could start pretty on time; I've may mentioned before that I didn't like waiting. So we started around 10.15 am, with a little bit of introductions of ourselves; cos some of us didn't know each other. We had Adiba and Shazreen (our netball guru) to lead some stretching and light exercises. Then we played a get-to-know-tennis game; whereby we throw the ball around and whoever caught it, must tell others 1 fun fact about themselves.

About 11am the Activity Master briefed the teams about the games and gave them the map of the route.

The route was given ahead

My station was with Afeq;
We had the girls tested of their anatomy knowledge. We held out the card with the labelling, and they need to tell us what it is.

(this was said to be one of the difficult station, haha)

Afeq and I
my partner in crime; hehe

Food Station ; test your senses!
we had two cups of coffee; one of it is with fish sauce
two cups of orange juice; one of it is with chilli
and two scrambled eggs; one is dark coloured

they were rewarded with roti canai!

happy kids :)

testing your patience;
you have to move the items to your plates using the chopsticks

it could be candy

it could be corn

some had rice grains ><

testing your basic Islamic knowledge
while getting it right altogether
if you got it wrong / one of your teammates got it wrong,
you have to drink kefir.

kefir is some fermented sour youghurt milk

we had one stations where you need to blow the flour in order to get the write papers - written of good akhlaqs. here's the outcome.

We then tried to play the game ripping tag game. Unfortunately it got so violent and there was so much adrenaline (and maybe rage) so we changed the rules a little.

Then one of the girls had some accident so we decided to call the game quits and the organising members called for an urgent meeting to decide what shall we do in order to determine the best group.

worried worried!

this is more violent than it seems, haha

calling it quits!

how we settled it? with a game of rock paper scissors!

yeah, just that.

but it was still a moment of palpitations!

congrats to purple team! :D

best runner goes to : Syakira :D
look at that Golden tag, will you?

we learn not to play the tag ripping game ever! it was so violent. omg. it seems all cool and fun on tv, but in real life it's so much harder. I was told the cast member of runningman even got badly injured and had some operations done due to their health that was compromised.

in summary, it was all fun and well time spent, indeed. I'm so glad I get to be part of the team and had this wonderful experience with these amazing girls.

jazakumullahu khayran :*

love love love you all ❤

Thank you girls! See you in the next event :)

Overwhelmed

The other day I was in my friend's house. I was wondering when is our therapy exam because the date was uncertain. I did ask a friend and my groupmate to ask for me about it. So I waited and waited because I need to know for sure; if there will be exam on the next day, I'd need to go to dekanat and take a permission.

So happens my friend forgot to ask about it. She was occupied; and I told her it was okay. I was secretly anxious. Later, I texted my my groupmate, he didn't reply. 10 minutes later, I called him; he didn't pick up.

I felt this sudden of overwhelm feeling.

Why didn't I ask the teacher myself? Was I that lazy? (Kinda) Why must I rely on someone to do something I could do my own? Why?

Then came the worse thoughts.

Why would I cross an ocean for someone I barely knew but I couldn't rely on someone else for myself? Why must I rely on someone when I can do it on my own..

Tears dropped.
I know. That was so uncalled for.
That moment itself, I was hoping they couldn't notice that I was crying.

Okay. I need to calm myself down. I wanted to search for some soothing music but then I remembered, the best remedy is the al-Quran.

I read few pages. I came across a few verses that made me in tears even more.

Why must I felt so negative about this if i know for sure Allah owns everything? I must've forgotten the tawakal concept and forgotten to rely on Him the most. 

I stopped reading, lie down and tried to calm myself down. I honestly felt like some kind of loser. Why did ever think of such provocative thoughts before? Allahu..

Lied down, still in tears.
Still overwhelmed, just on different side.
I inhaled, exhaled, istighfar. Did myself some introspection.
Alhamdulillah. I felt better. Much better. As if my burden was lifted. The power of inner peace. ♥️

I glanced at my phone;
"Kak, sorry I was asleep. Still no news about the exam."

And later that day;
"Next week will be the exam. Let's sit together."

See? Allah was just testing me with a little issue and I failed to overcome on first strike. While all along, He has planned for my exams next week without any of us knowing. (Means more time to study! More chances for me to put my effort)

God, I don't know where all these feelings that came flew in suddenly. I felt too many things at once. Such a woman to feel 1001 at the same time. 😅

Frustration

Do you know that feeling of you wanna get so mad but you can't; so instead you get distant.

I know I shouldn't be mad in the first place. But I'm so human, you know? I do feel mad / pissed off / annoyed / whatever it is -- but most of the times I choose to ignore it or I try to talk myself some sense (yes, a lot of monologue has been going on) cos it ain't worth it. I know God hates these negativity, hence I'm trying to keep it calm.

There's so many things I dislike but I choose to not say a word cos that feels like me being ungrateful. Another side of me feels like I'm being lenient and went on too soft on things - since I was a frank type of girl before this. Brutally honest was my middle name. I tell things at it is. I speak my mind.

I stop doing all that as I realised it hurts people more than usual - yeah it is the truth but did you have to rub it in?

I also feel that we should not hurt other's feelings, you know?

Like, for example. I know the man is fat. But do you have to call him fat and may have hurts his feelings? He must have other good things we can focus on. Just because she's dumb you don't have to call her dumb. Worse, when you yourself is not that bright either. Who are you calling dumb? 😂

When it comes to sharing opinions or whatsoever, I'll speak my mind but carefully. Yeah if there is a place for me to voice out, I will. Learn to voice out at the right place and time.

One thing I cannot overcome is to correct someone something they done wrong. How can you tell that to a person without hurting their feeling? I don't know how to say it so i ended up keeping quiet. I know I can be just like, "Dude, can you stop calling her dumb, you're not the brightest kid in the block anyway." But that would make me sound worse than him kan? I just ended up ignore everything.

Ignore. And distant myself. I will draw a line where you can't just cross over.

Hard Times

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
There are days you are hardly holding yourself together, to do keep on doing things you need to do; for your own good. There comes a time where you are at the edge; barely stepping on the ground. Yes, it is exhausting and difficult.

Others wouldn't know you are struggling deep inside and the simple little things they say might trigger you. The next thing you know, you are already on the ground. Broken.

No, they don't mean it. They have no clue of what's going on in your head. All they see is you smiling, talking happily to your friends. They don't see the frown behind that smile. Nobody could. All they said is "You look terrible" because you usually looked better. That little comment runs through your head and then all that rants just keep flowing in.

Of course I looked terrible. I've been crying to my sleep, sleeping more than usual and battling my thoughts all week. If I could pull off a better look, I deserved an oscar. You had no idea how hard this is. You never asked whether I'm okay or alright or whether I'm fine. You just cared on how did I look? That's it. Thaaat's it!

Yea, that was kinda clean. My head sometimes screamed profanities while my facial expression remains calm. Don't ask why. I regret and ashamed of it as well.

But yes, that small thing that triggers is meant for you. God is testing your faith, dear. Whether you'll break down and cry to Him or break down and lost, astray from Him.

So what you gotta do?

Istighfar. You've been through a lot. You need some cleanse for your soul. Istighfar calms you and reminds you that it is human to make mistakes but you should seek for forgiveness.

Wudhu'. Amazingly, the water will calms you. The gesture of having your face, arms, head, feet washed is just wonderful. It also as if those little sins are washed away together with the water. Do it slowly. Feel the water flows.

Read the al-Quran. There are so many powerful verses in the al-Quran that could soothe your wound. Read its arabic and the translation. Allah doesn't bear anything upon you without knowing you can overcome it. This is a fact. Maybe you tend to forget this, but that's what al-Quran is about, to remind us. Human tends to forget. We are created in such manner, that's why we need to be reminded again and again.

Doa. Always and always pray to Allah to have a better heart, to be strong, sabar, istiqamah and tsabat in this deen. Allah never let a prayer unanswered. It might not be answered right away, but that shouldn't stop you from praying all day, everyday. :)

And when My servants ask you, [O Muhammad], concerning Me - indeed I am near. I respond to the invocation of the supplicant when he calls upon Me. So let them respond to Me [by obedience] and believe in Me that they may be [rightly] guided.

al-baqarah: Chapter 2, Verse 186
I've been feeling this a lot this past two weeks, and I'm telling myself not to break down and go astray; instead, find Him and find peace within His words and love. It's hard, having to deal with the things you can't describe. I wonder if this is a verge of my depression, trying to kick in. I hope I could overcome this matter. Biiznillah. 💪🏼

Flaws

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
Few days ago I took a walk in the park, strolling while waiting for a friend. We then talked and talked; and one of the topic caught my attention.

What do you do when someone address your flaws in public? Even when they're joking.

"Sabar? Or tell them, how could they - but in a joking tone although you meant it" haha. I have to admit, it wasn't the best advice ever. I myself am wondering what can I do about it.

Listen, everyone has flaws. It's unnecessary to point things out.

Over the years, I was someone who likes to criticise things with the intention of getting them to be better. Then I realised, and learnt that appreciating someone's effort (even when they do not meet your standard) is much better than openly criticise their work. It gets them going in spirit rather than feeling down by the criticism given.

Let's bring someone up instead of bringing them down. That's what being a murabbi about. I'm currently reading of how to be a murabbi. It's hard but it's not impossible. I'm trying my best to be a good murabbi even when I feel that there's no murabbi for me. I have to be a murabbi to myself. Guide and advice myself. The struggle is real.

One a side note, whenever I'm feeling the struggle, I'm glad to know that the struggle exists, because without struggle the dakwah is not real!

Extroverted Introvert II

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
I was given a task, to think of what are my strength, my weakness. Weakness? That's easy. I have tonnes! I wrote a lot on that. Strength? ..

I don't even know what's my strength. I resorted to ask my roommate to write what she thinks of my strength. She wrote down a few, and I had to reject some of her ideas -- because it doesn't feel like it's me.

She thinks I can manage my time well, when deep inside I loathe myself for not having my tasks organised in a day or even in a week. Everything was so out of place. She thinks I can mingle around very well; to which I respond : I hate meeting new people.

Then it occurred to me;

I am that extroverted introvert. I am introvert by nature : I like spending time on my own, my idea of holiday and having a good time is to lay around on my bed, reading stuff or watching videos I like, meeting new people scares me, I hate talking infront of a crowd. I hate changes (I hated the idea when my parents decided to move from where we stayed) I don't really bother of others' business at all and more.

but, since my path have cross with tarbiyyah I have decided to learn on how to be a little extrovert.

I meet new people, try to link a good relation with them. I go out and spend time with other people - possibly doing the things that I don't really like, but, yeah, for the sake of spending time, I'd go; I started to talk infront of a crowd; I join or sometimes held a mini reunion with some people (that's basically a dinner get together) I learn to lend a hand to others and learn to care about other people -- and many more.

Tarbiyyah has taught me to be something different than I actually am and that's not even hypocritical. You just become someone that is extra! Alhamdulillah for the tarbiyyah. Even if it takes me like 7 years to actually acquire this extra skills in life. Hehe.

Indeed, tarbiyyah is a process. A process that is going on, and on, in other for us to achieve something new and good. and insyaAllah to be istiqamah with it.

Has tarbiyyah knocked on your life yet?

Unspoken

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
I tried to sleep early but I couldnt. Then I looked at my phone, realised my mother was online. She was sending me some pictures. I asked if she was busy, because I wanted to give her a call. I didn't realised I missed her until I heard her voice.

"This is the voice I've been listening to when I grew up. This voice may not be heard one day." I thought to myself. My head screamed "I miss you, ma" but I didn't utter it at all. We spoke briefly and ended the conversation.

Phone your parents while they're still around. You might never know when will be the last moment you'd talk to them.
P/s : missing ayah too. 

into the oven

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
After a long hiatus, i make amends  with my oven and starts baking again -- upon requests by friends. If not, i wouldn't

I secretly enjoy baking, but the fear of charging too much or having the cake taste awful always linger! I apologized to all my friends who have had my cake and didn't meet your expectations. Hence why I'm scared to mark up the prices, even when the ingredients are expensive nowaways. 😞

Well, I tried. No, I'm trying. I don't see myself as a good baker but I'm happy when they enjoyed my cakes. Like there's a glimpse of hope for me to be a good baker. Afterall, practice makes perfect. Once I get the hang of it, it will be all good.

I was happy when someone appreciate my work even when it's not even at par of good bakers.

Thank you for supporting. ♥️

Check out more cakes here.

Now if I have the urge to study as much as bake, that would be nice. 

Extroverted Introvert

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
Many would not believe me when I said I'm an introvert.

I am! I just learn to be an extrovert at times because in life, you kinda have to go out eventually and be social.

The thing is, I do love my "me" time alone, but at times I love having someone around as well. Sometimes I'll avoid having conversations with people (read : keep quiet) and at times I'll talk non-stop till my throat sore.

I do get anxious answering questions in classes, meeting unexpected people, asking strangers something (even for help, tbh) BUT ; I'm learning to control this anxiety, so that I didn't look so anxious and try to move pass it at one point. I may look confident and alright but deep down, bro, I struggle with myself.

Especially being in this field - be it dnt or medical - I need not this anxiety to be clinged with me. I gotta overcome this. insyaAllah one fine day. 

Reminder

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

When you lost something, Allah will replace it with something else

- Ukhti N


Somehow that lingers in my head for quite some time. Few months back I was tested; my health was deteriorating. It was so bad till there was a point I couldn't do anything but cry. After going back home and gotten under the knife, I truly realise that I would never be in one piece like I was before.

You are different now. Your body isn't the same as before.

when Dr. A said that, I wailed up mentally but tried to keep my face calm.

Don't worry. You can still go back to your life. There are people who had it worse than you - Dr. A continued

Today when ukhti N gave us a tazkirah, and said those words, I think I can move forward slowly without feeling so down about my health.

I cannot say that I've finally moved on and look forward to whatever I can do now; but I am trying my best to take care of my health. I am trying to eat well, exercise regularly and yada yada.

It's okay, dear self. Allah is replacing it with something better. With one condition, I must try to strive for the best. Be it in keeping myself healthy, be it in study or be in dnt. Of course, without good health, you can't continue to study  and do anything well, right?

💪🏼💪🏼💪🏼