In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
tiba-tiba rasa.. tak selesa. physically dan emotionally. tiba-tiba rasa semua serba tak kena.
rasa bersalah.
i'm not doing whatever i'm supposed to do. my obligations are just abandoned. not on purpose, okay, maybe it is on purpose but i don't feel like doing so when the situation is like this. OBLIGATIONS, sya. it's not a little thing. and you're running out of time, sya. why are you doing this to yourself? why are you making things more complicated? i guess the evil side of me has spoken and it is dominant right now, and it says, "just forget about it." my conscience says, "YOU CAN'T." i have promised, to myself that i'll do them obligations but why am i breaking my own promise? such a hypocrite and selfish. and lazy!
i wanna start making a difference but i don't know if i can. actually i know i can but i don't know if i can continuously doing it. discipline has been the issue for most of my life.
when im here, (the city where the buildings are boring but neat, where there are less trees and more buildings, there are little land for spaces because they pretty much take the space) i don't feel like i belong here.
few days back i didn't even bother to pack until the very last hour. i forced myself to do so. either i forced myself or i get yelled by my parents. so. either way. and i told my best friend i wasn't excited for it at all. but she said it's normal cause my excitements are always late. but when i walked through the departure halls, sat down on a chair for more than 6 hours to travel, i still didn't feel anything. and the weird part? i couldn't help but to think, "what if this thing crash when i'm on it? whatever it is, it's in God's hand".
when i walked out the immigration counter, i smiled, when i hear the locals talk. i like hearing them talking even though i couldn't understand a word. it reminds me of this one show where the famous line was "I AM NOT GAY". i did laugh and smiling to myself. and i thought, wow, here it is, my excitement. but now, i don't think that was it.
i like the view, and i remembered who has created all these things. and i remembered the lines to "open your eyes". and i smiled even wider. i thanked the Almighty for giving me an opportunity to see the view from the other side of the world.
i just don't feel like taking a stroll in the park or something. i just feel like staying in and do my work, the one i procrastinated for a month. even though i told them i wanna go here and there, the truth was, i don't really wanna go anywhere. but i didn't wanna bring the mood down, you know. i don't wanna ruin this. that would make me even worse. selfish tahap melampau!
i even told them not to post any picture of me on anywhere. i think i kinda ruined it by saying this but this is vital. i really don't want any picture of me posted anywhere. sure, i wanna take some pictures but it's personal.
sigh.
i'm ranting so much on life when i can just be thankful to God for letting me breathe and live. for letting me to have wonderful family and friends. and the best nikmat ever : a little piece of iman. even though i don't have it all the time, (astaghfirullahala'zim) but i tried to keep it with me, and try to 'collect' them more. with God's will & my effort.
sorry for the trouble. i just feel like putting this into an entry. i know i would like to read it one day and say something. hehe.
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