the truth

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
I've been thinking to blog about this.

perlu? maybe.
just wanna let it out? maybe.

mainly I just wanna point out my side of the story. and it's a long one.

---

as some of you know, I am a medical student in Russia and in summer of 2013 I was in my 3rd year 2nd semester, the peak of the semester in our whole 6 years of education. where, the exams are 5 in total and it's all the killer subjects -- pathphysiology, pathanatomy, propadeutics (internal medicine) general surgery and pharmacology.

as usual, the rule of the university is, you can't sit for your exams until you have completed the academic hour you needed. in other words, you gotta attend all classes and then you are eligible to sit for exams. if you missed/skipped any, you gotta rework the classes you've missed. so, with that rule, having 5 exams means you gotta complete the academical hours for the 5 subjects.

easy right?

so what makes you skip class?
- woke up late (late to class and you will not allowed to enter, depends on the mercy of the teacher)
- not well, sick
- didn't prepare for class (if so, you'd might get screamed at to or just flunk the class with shame)
- lazy (very popular reason that need not to be explained)

as for me, I have so many academical hour debts due to many reasons.
mainly, I was mentally unstable due to reasons I couldn't state here. basically, I wasn't well mentally. but my physical was fine, except of few times cos I had my back ache and such.

I thought to myself, if we were to fall ill physically and we couldn't go to class, what if we're ill mentally/emotionally? ( this is a very dangerous statement, huhu )

truth to be told, my academical hours debt are not as much as other infamous students but the thing is I didn't finish it right away. I was pressured and well, if you know me well enough, whenever I am pressured I couldn't do a thing.

so that summer 2013 ended with myself missing the first seating of those 5 exams due to my own academical hours debt. and I went back to Malaysia with this burden carried over my shoulder.

I brought back the books to be studied, but that didn't work out well. I was hospitalised and did some operations. I tried to study but I felt like it's just not gonna work. Maybe I was just too depressed with my state of physical state, although I keep telling everyone I was fine. Ha. I didn't like the 'attention' and the 'empathy' that they expressed towards me. So I kept telling everyone I was fine and it's all good. but then again, only God knows. I try not to think about the pain so I detour my attention to something else. (which is ended up to no good, Allah, if only I was stable enough not to go to futur state)

Fast forward, I was back in Kursk. I wasn't healed completely so I gotta stand the physical pain I was having. so that slowed things down. I wasn't able to rework my debts right away due to the late tuition payment from MARA. there was this new rule (or an old rule that I didn't know about, sheesh) when you want to take permission to settle your debts, you gotta show the letter saying that you've paid your fees. I've missed about 3 weeks due to this problem. but alhamdulillah it was all settled and I was able to continue with my rework. (you can actually go to the rework without the permission because not all teachers will actually ask for the permission, the thing was, my teachers did ask about it, hah.)

the subjects that i was doing was pathphysiology and pathanatomy. pathphysiology was a breeze, alhamdulillah. but pathanatomy was a challenge. I couldn't answer the questions she gave properly and I had to study really good for that. I even have to do 2-3 times of the same topic due to my lack of knowledge. that I admit, it was my own mistake for not putting much effort. so only in the month of november I was able to finish these debts. so I sat my first exam and it was pathanatomy. alhamdulillah, I passed. that was the only subject I was really into and after that, any exams that I took, I failed again and again. again and again.

pathphysiology is the 'easiest' exam to passed. why? cos the teachers weren't 'strict'. and they practically left the room so the students usually copy during the exam. and me? I had to sit 3 times for pathphysiology due to my own lack of knowledge. I didn't want to copy. it's morally wrong! and I know I am 'stupid' so just live with this. why? simple. cos I didn't study hard enough. I didn't have the sufficient time to study and yet I was still wasting my time doing things I shouldn't be doing and worrying things I shouldn't be worried. who's to blame? me.

honestly, I was so furious whenever people ask me, "why didn't you cheat?"
it's like basically saying, "you know you can't answer it right? why don't you just cheat? why are you wasting your time repeating the same paper when you know you don't have much time to clear up your exams before the dateline passes."

I had the habit of cheating in classes, cos I was so lazy to study and I ended up didn't learn a thing during classes and that ilmu just flew away, and if I learn any, it is without barokah and it's all a waste. Why did I cheat in class? cos everyone's doing it. and serves me right. cheating doesn't get me anywhere.

so after that I was determined, especially for my exams, I don't wanna cheat to pass. If I'm not good enough, let me live in the consequences. I don't study hard enough, I got to live with that consequences. Why cheat when you know Allah wouldn't approve it even though in the teacher's record you passed. and I can't live with that.

so there you have it. why do I keep failing for my exams, why do I keep wasting my time, up untill now (december) I've only managed to finish 2 exams, which was pathanatomy and pathphysiology. so I got to repeat my semesters due to this unfinished exams and also due to new syllabus of the students at the moment, I probably need to repeat in the 3rd year 1st semester next february. that is like 1 and a half year wasted. money and time wasted. but as long my parents were okay with it (of cos they were mad but eventually they grasp the idea of this) and I'm fine, so let me be.

if I heard something like "tu lah, budak usrah tapi pavto gak." better than "tu lah, budak usrah tapi meniru gak time hekzem". janganlah kerana my own stupidity, usrah dan Islam tu dipersalahkan pulak. adehhh. -_-

I'm so worried if this would be a fitnah to Islam & usrah. so this is why I'm writing all of these. to clear things up.

and yes, I am alright with repeating semesters. insyaAllah. buat apa nak sedih/takut/marah sedangkan ini adalah akibat perbuatan sendiri. pandai buat, pandai la tanggung. ye dok?

ehh, I don't know why I don't like it when I'm okay with it and people be like "kesiannyaaa kamu..."

there was a time, after failing my exam and my friend would be like, "kau okay ke?" and she asked so many times. worried. and I'll be like "aku okay la." and then she came and hugged me. LOL. aku okay. just aku mungkin annoyed kena tanya banyak kali begitu. apa kamu mahu dengar aku kata "aku tak okay. aku fail. aku mau menangis."? hahahah. tak payah kot nangis kerana exam dunia. :P

but then, if I say I'm not disappointed, it will be a lie.
I am disappointed with myself. tu je. rasa macam nak cekik diri sendiri for not putting enough effort. huhu. maybe of the lack of passion and love compared to DnT. It's hard when you're doing something  you don't love. whenever there's hardship you are easily feel down and pessimist about stuff. insyaAllah I wanna improve this. huhu.

other than that, I'm okay. I don't even blame MARA for the late payment, the teachers for not letting me to do reworks everyday, for not letting me to sit for exam if I don't have 3 days gap, for failing me, for making me to repeat 3 semesters.

those are the rules, and that happened for their own reason. why should I blame them for complicating my rework/exam when the MAIN fault is me having the academical debts & sitting late for exams? kan?

whatever happens to you, reflect upon yourself first before pointing fingers to others.
jangan kerana tersepak batu kerana cuai disalahkan batu kerana berada di situ.

:)

beautiful lasers

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

Sometimes living in a world like this
It's pretty hard not to go insane
Not pretty if you don't comply
Pretty easy if you don't complain
Stand there like you don't feel pain
No tears in the face of defeat
Pretend til the end that you don't feel change
Don't admit that your faith is weak
Don't say that you feel like dying
Life's hard and it feels like diamonds
Your home's just far too gone
Much too late to even feel like trying
Can't understand what I'm saying
Can't figure out what I'm implying

I gotta keep remember that no one is going to help me but myself and Him.

ar-ruhul jadid

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful. ar-ruhul jadid.
that means, new spirit

this new spirit, this inner peace is amazing.

and you know what? it only comes from Him.
and whether you like it or not, that is in fact the truth.
I've tried so many 'things' whenever I'm down, or stressed our and nothing worked out, really.
it did make me forget of my problems for a while and then I'm back to reality and I'd still feel all stressed-out.

it's hard, I do believe so it is, to make the first step on getting yourself back together. for a moment I tried to do so, I feel so weird and feels like stopping whatever I was doing back then and I just wanna lie down and stare at the ceiling, doing nothing. I wanna drown my thoughts so I turned up the volume of the song, I sleep more because the reality sucks. sigh.

but then when you push yourself towards Him, I believe He will 'settle' your problems eventually.
how?

by giving you an inner peace so that you can think rationally and realistically how to solve whatever problem you're having.
by giving you strength, to endure whatever you have been putting up for
by giving you patience, to wait for the unknown outcomes
by giving you everything you need to overcome your problem.

truly, I myself is juggling between few major things and I always tell myself not to worry because He had everything planned for me, I just gotta work on my part of the job and leave everything else to Him.
despite what everybody is telling me, despite of how everyone's point of view of whatever I'm doing.

I know I'm doing the right thing, it takes time. cos I'm just too slow (or stupid) to understand things. haha.

of course I had my days whereby I panicked, cried, shout out loud etc but I'll make sure that I only let Him knows that and no one else. (okay, by saying so I'm basically telling everyone about this. embarrassing! but hey, my point is, it's normal to have these kinds of moments, okay?)

"tie your camel and put trust in Allah"
put an effort, and leave it to Him!

everything, and I mean e v e r y t h i n g in this world belongs to Him. ask Him and He shall respond to your prayers. He'll never let us down, on the contrary, He is always there for us whenever we had no one else around. :')

let us all pray for the better us and pray so that we won't be opt out from His guidance and love. :)

sometimes I feel like bursting out, taking it out on someone or something but it isn't worth it.
and being angry to an angry person isn't doing any good. -- irrelevant to the post, but it's just a thought.


have a wonderful day people.

#mayAllahbless
#peace
#ishouldbestudying
#inspiredtowritehowlah
#betterworkhardonmyself
#itsabloghashtagsdontworkright

40 days challenge.

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
5 steps :

1. Admit that you have a problem. yes, I have a problem. huaaa :(
2. Change your environment. InsyaAllah environment got better
3. Create barriers to the habit. okay okay :}
4. Find a place holder. okay, sekarang cuba untuk buat benda berfaedah all the time. 
5. Be patient. insyaAllah, God willing!

it takes:

40 days to change a bad habit into a positive one;
90 days confirms the new habit in you;
120 days allows the new habit to become who you are;
1,000 days ensures you have mastered the habit.

______________

so I'm up for this 40 days challenge. so far, it's been only 1 day and I'm almost curling up. bad habits are bad habits. change one at time. and I'm now taking baby steps. insyaAllah if this works, I'm gonna get myself a new shoes (haha rewarding self. see what I did there?)

pray for me (:

jatuh.

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

kenapa lah waktu-waktu kritikal begini aku 'jatuh'? huu. sedih. mungkin kerana tengah 'lemah' kan? takde sokongan padu dari rakan persejuangan. cable dengan Dia tak cekang sangat. macamanalah tak jatuh ditimpa tangga?

rasa lemas dengan diri sendiri. susahnya untuk fight dengan hati sendiri :/ uhhhhuuu.


duhai hati, bersabarlah. sungguhnya kesabaran itu tinggi ganjarannya.

*kena kuatkan diri untuk kebaikan diri juga...*

"Never have I dealt with anything more difficult than my own soul, which sometimes helps me and sometimes opposes me." Imam al-Ghazali 

fake it till make it.

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

simple nice quote from an akhwat.

question : adakah kita perlu fake kan friendship kita till we make it?

jangan pernah berani katakan kamu sayangkan aku jika kamu tak pernah ingin menyelamatkan aku dari api neraka.

stop please this nonsense.

apa hari ni kau akan bagi aku khutbah tapi esok kau biarkan aku jatuh dalam lubang dosa?

wiser.

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
in accordance to my tooth ache due to the grow of my wisdom tooth (or should I say teeth cos it's 2 at the same time) I feel that I'm a little bit wiser.

><

NOT!

argh. to think back of the amount of space my parents has given to me to make my own decision. from the biggest decision ever -- to fly to russia. whose idea was that? me. mom just gave me few options (egypt-indonesia-russia) and here I am; and to the smallest things such as what to have for dinner. (haha)

and I feel that I've been taking things for granted. I have the most supportive parents ever, yet I do sometimes feel that they don't let me do things my own way. of course, I'm still to young to overlook things, and that's when they come around and talk me over. other than that, I'm pretty much on my own.

okay, I feel slightly wiser now.

they'll be like it's all up to you. and I'm like worrying whether I'm doing the right thing.

somehow I feel that I shouldn't be trusted this much. I don't even trust my own judgement at times, haha.

ohhh well. this is the feeling of growing up.

gotta be independent and all. *nods*

that means.. I gotta force myself to studyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy~

pray for me!

I get easily distracted T.T

oh Lord, please don't let me go astray :(

#say ameen!

a man and a starfish

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
today got a misscall from dad. I didn't realised he texted me. he asked how was my practical exams. alhamdulillah it all went well, Allah is the Greatest. :) I dont know why I didn't tell him right away. was so spaced out due to lack of sleep I guess. hoho~

anyways he then asked if I checked my email recently. I thought he sent some important documents that I need to check right away so in the middle of dinner I checked my email.

and I saw the title "story of a man and a starfish". I was like uhhhh? so I went on and read it.

hope it's beneficial for anyone who's reading this. :)

-----

While walking along a beach, an elderly gentleman saw someone in the distance leaning down, picking something up and throwing it into the ocean.
As he got closer, he noticed that the figure was that of a young man, picking up starfish one by one and tossing each one gently back into the water.

He came closer still and called out, “Good morning! May I ask what it is that you are doing?”
The young man paused, looked up, and replied “Throwing starfish into the ocean.”
The old man smiled, and said, “I must ask, then, why are you throwing starfish into the ocean?”
To this, the young man replied, “The sun is up and the tide is going out. If I don’t throw them in, they’ll die.”

Upon hearing this, the elderly observer commented, “But, young man, do you not realise that there are miles and miles of beach and there are starfish all along every mile? You can’t possibly make a difference!”

The young man listened politely. Then he bent down, picked up another starfish, threw it into the back into the ocean past the breaking waves and said, “It made a difference for that one.”
There is something very special in each and every one of us. We have all been gifted with the ability to make a difference. And if we can become aware of that gift, we gain through the strength of our visions the power to shape the future. We must each find our starfish. And if we throw our stars wisely and well, the world will be blessed.

The moral of the story :
Believing your cause is important. It helps you hold on when you feel alone and people around you starts disbelieving and abandoning you.  Following a cause is a choice. Once you made that choice it becomes your responsibility & obligation. Failure is not an option.  You got to do what ever it takes to keep it up or keep it going until you reached your goal. Insya Allah. Allah will always be with you. So do I.

----

since I was in the middle of dinner I held my tears. hoho. so sweet okeh. and so motivating! and now I keep on reading it over and over.

i love my dad :')

alhamdullilah for blessing me with this man in my life.

deep.

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
How do you know you want what you want?
How do you know you like what you like?


---


semua tak sedar kita telah di-doktrin-kan oleh orang lain untuk bentuk pemikiran kita, yang most of the time tak berlandaskan Islam pun.


so called freedom.

apa maksud freedom sebenarnya?

freedom is not doing things what you want -- how do you even know you want what you want?

freedom is getting yourself free from ego. and to be disciplined.

5 pesanan ummi

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

1. Solat taubat dengan taubat nasuha Amalkan solat taubat tu setiap malam sebelum tidur, 2 rakaat hingga ia menjadi tabiat

2. Berwudhu' setiap masa. Setiap pagi selepas subuh baca al-Quran at least 1 ayat. Lihat apa yang disuruhNya yang belum dibuat dan apa yang dilarangNya yang masih gagal ditinggalkan.

3. Solat dhuha bersungguh-sungguh, amalkan ayat kursi. Doa bersungguh-sungguh.

4. Jauhkan diri dari hamba-hambaNya yg fasiq; solat istikharah

5. Teruskanlah perjuangan untuk Allah


--

Doakan aku untuk istiqamah.

:)

-

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
whenever I release my inner thoughts it never come out right.
I should learn when I should talk and when I shouldn't.
let's just pick to be quiet -- so that I'll commit less foul in talking.

to please human is so challenging. so just stick to the plan of pleasing your Lord.

why can't we learn?
life is about give and take.
and to have a clean heart, salamatussadr and try to husnu zhon (cos I know it's hard)

tolerate. that's all I crave for.

lesson of the week

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
setelah struggle dengan nafs dan emotion pada minggu ini,
satu-satunya conclusion aku dapat adalah;

rebelling doesnt benefits oneself, plus it make us loss. (as in rugi)

---

aku struggle antara apa aku nak buat dengan apa yang Allah nak aku buat.
jadi, marilah kita kembali ke pangkal jalan;


rabbi yassir wala tuassir.

sungguh lah~

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
selagi kita tak settle sesuatu 'masalah' kita tu, selagi tu kita akan diuji sesuatu seumpama masalah tu.

haih laa.

lari dari masalah takkan menolong kita, sebaliknya menyusahkan kita.

kita kena face the problem and settle it eventually. huuu.

aku pegang ayatNya yang kata, "takkan diuji seseorang hamba itu melainkan kemampuannya" 2:286
tapi berat, sangat berat beban tu bila dipikul atas bahu sendiri.

fikir.

fikir.

fikir.

macamana nak settle. aku kalau down, memang gaya nak terjunam gaung je kadang-kadang.

i wanted to talk to someone so badly.

it's just that i feel that no one understand, except for Him.

but i wanted to talk to someone anyway; so i called him.

cerita je to him walaupun itu bukan the main problem, aku cerita problem yang lebih kecil, supaya dia tak risau sangat, kot? heehe.

just nak nangis dengan someone without getting him/her crying together with me. so. called ayah.

i felt better.

and the only way i will feel much better;

is if i talk to Him.

--

ni la ni, bila down, kerja nak menjunam je jatuh. argh. i hate myself for being like this. stooping so low. come on, iman kena naik!

sungguh lah~

aku rasa aku daie paling fail ve mire!

:'((

treacherous heart

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
hati yang sering dibolak-balik;
lebih cepat berbolak balik dari isi periuk yang menggelegak.

---

maybe so I am being sensitive whenever someone shoot unpleasant words.
and definitely, I believe it's a test from Him so I'll be more patient, but..

I'm only human.

reminiscing

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
istighfar banyak-banyak sikit.
gelak dah banyak sangat tu.
gelak sakan, duduk menghadap Facebook macam apa je.
dah terlalu entertaining dah orang-orang kat sana.
taip suka-suka hati. cakap tak fikir. fakta ntah ke mana. dunia oh dunia.
tapi teruk gila kot, sebab duk gelakkan diorang.
jadi -- istighfar.

*senyum*

terjumpa cebisan nota bertarikh 2009 dulu.
waktu mula-mula datang sini.
serius, tak pernah bayangkan aku berada pada tahun 2013 dengan keadaan macam ni.
banyak; sangat banyak nikmat Tuhanku berikan.
hadiah tarbiyyah dariNya buat aku di bumi soviet.
belajar untuk merangkak dan bertatih semula.
sehinggakan orang-orang yang aku berkawan dulu waktu mula-mula datang sini dan kawan-kawan aku sekarang -- bagaikan langit dan bumi bezanya.
sebab aku dah merasai kemanisan berkawan keranaNya --
bukan kerana kami sukakan muzik yang sama
bukan kerana kami sekelas
bukan kerana dunialah senang cerita
tapi kemanisan berkawan kerana sama-sama cuba mencari redhaNya
tak ramai -- serius tak ramai kat sini yang faham tu.
salah; tak ramai kat dunia ni yang faham tu.

tapi biasalah, bila down, mula lah diri buat apa benda ntah
sampai bila dah waras semula, fikir balik dan berkata
"apa bodoh ke aku ni buat benda macam tu? *gelak*"

tarik nafas -- tahan -- hembus!

jangan dambakan pada benda yang tak manfaatkan iman. walaupun keinginan tu membuak-buak.
kena ingat tu, wahai diri.
nanti menyesal.

Islam kaffah

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
another post. err.
suddenly so eager to write so much.
I think I'm back to channeling my thoughts here.
and I miss so much writing something in a proper English; yes, I know this isn't a proper one. trust me, my grammars are all topsy-turvy. truly I do miss writing in English. :')

but then again, I sometimes write in Malay for a better impact. if I were to stressed something out, I'd write it in Malay.

--

my fingers are itchy again. I found myself stumbling upon old posts on Facebook, and now the past is running through my head. it got me thinking, have I changed for better? did I turn to a better Muslimah & better 'abid? or am I just being stagnant? or worse, have I went to the dark side?

*tears*

I know I've been better.
life's a struggle to keep myself together, to be His best 'abid that I could be-- even when I know my efforts are not even up to 50%.

*pause*

I know these thoughts will get me no where, but static, stagnant or maybe worse. I know, I believe, I need to do something to make myself a better Muslimah.

A practicing Muslimah. by day and night as a Muslimah. not only during usrah, daurah, halaqah, solah, saum, eid and etc. All the time. 24/7!

Think like a Muslim, act like a Muslim. Be a true Muslim!

It's so scary. We did tafsir on surah al-Qalam and one of the points in the tafsir said, haq (truth) and batil (dishonesty/lies) will never meet. Islam is pure, it will never mix with anything else and let it be called Islam. any impurity that is mixed with Islam is not Islam!

O Believers! Enter into Islam as a kaffah (whole) and never follow the footsteps of the satan (devil).

I don't want to be a half Muslim and half God-knows-what.. :(

ya Allah..

seriously, struggling with yourself is the hardest battle.

anyone could give tips or anything on fighting with your own nafs? do share!

wake up call.

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
it's been a while since I've read something out loud and those words make me shaken, some palpitation (our medical term when the heart's beating fast) pretty afraid but still hoping for some mercy -- all at once.
















that's the power of Quran when we read with our opened hearts, mind and soul; biiznillah.


subhanallah.
walhamdulillah.
wala ilaha illallah.
allahu akbar.


how I've miss this 'feeling' so much...

resolution.

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
after a few days being the way I was, I have finally came up with a resolution.
although, I felt a little dumb for mentioning it later because the answer was so obvious.

too obvious.

what is it?
-- just submit yourself to Him and by submit, it's not only by our body but by mind & heart as well.

the 3 main components of a human being :
- heart / qalb
- mind / aqal
- body / jasad

*ingat balik daurah hakikat manusia keh* hehe

because in this world, no matter how close you are with your family and friends;

• He is indeed closer than all of them. 50:16
• never going to burden us with something we can't handle. 2:286
• never break His promises. 3:194
• He is the one is going to bring us peace at heart. 13:28
• He always listens (As-sami') even though He knows what's in our hearts (67:13)
• He is all-loving (al-wadood), the most merciful (ar-rahman),  the most beneficent (ar-rahim)

what more can I possibly need when I have Him?

*smile*

--theoretically I've got it. but nevertheless, I'd still need your du'as. jazakumullahu khair <3 p="">
may Allah ease!

how?

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
as the days passed by I felt more and more the need of me waking up from this dream. once, long before this day, I've dreamt of waking my friends up from the fire that's burning down the building while they were in deep sleep.

and today, I think I have fallen asleep just like them. yes, the fire is still going on.

am I becoming far worse than I have before? honestly, I'd say yes. but by realising this I could have done something to overcome this matter.

and I have done nothing.

it's such a shame that I have disappoint the people around me and most importantly my Creator by being this way. have I not sin enough to erupt His anger?

worse when I feel I had no support on this matter cos no matter how hard I tried to explain my situation I'd end up saying -- I don't know. I don't feel like opening up this matter to anyone unfortunately. and then they say it's a sign for me to depend on Him 100%. trust me, easier said than done, in my case. I've been letting my heart gone dark and now it has a problem accepting things; not like the days before.

I truly believe whatever He sent to me, no matter how hard it is, I am capable of overcoming it. sadly I feel disappointed cos most of the times, it is myself who's letting myself down.

it's hard to fight your ownself. it's a fighting battle all the time. you win some, you lose some. hence, the importance of having someone to support you whenever you're down.

then the mind starts to wander, on who I wanted to talk with so I'd feel better. cut. it. out.

but then again, when you're down, it's vital to get up as soon as you can so you won't stay in the darkness for so long.

as of today, I try, and insyaAllah I will keep on trying to keep my heads up. no one's gonna save you but yourself, they said. and only I can change things, for He has spoken that "Indeed, Allah will not change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves." (13:11) 

right?

du'a for me, please.