perhaps it's time.

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

photo by Umar Mita

I know I'm not the right (or even righteous) person to guide you, but I'm trying to as it's part of my responsibility.

I know what are our purpose of life, and the dunya is just sinking us both and we gotta try to swim back to the shore!

If we love someone; we'll try to abstain them from getting into hell and we'll do anything, just anything to save them from hellfire. and because I love you so, I'm doing this. I tried, but He is the one, and only one who hold your heart.

"Indeed, you do not guide whom you like, but Allah guides whom He wills. And He is most knowing of the [rightly] guided." Al-Qasas 28:56

****

one night, in our hostel. everyone was sleeping. suddenly I woke up to the smell of the smoke. I looked around and saw the building is on fire. and I knew I have to save myself and get out of this building as soon as I can. as I got up from the bed, I saw my roommate, dead asleep, not aware of what was going on.
"Bangun, weh, hostel terbakaq ni!"
"hmmmmmm........" huh, she's not even awake. I tried one more time.
"Bangun! aku serious ni weh."
"Huh? mana ada terbakar. hang ni mamai apa ntah." and she went back to sleep. How frustrated I was. I tried to wake her up and it wasn't working at all. At all!

I was thinking to myself, should I just grab my things and leave? or... continue to wake her up?

****

perhaps it's time, to make a change. to change for the better.

regret, not.

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

when we're in the midst of disobeying His orders, and doing what He told us not to when we are clear of the do's and don'ts, istighfar.

istighfar, dear heart.

gather up your strength and let it go.

and when you do let it go because of Allah, insyaAllah He'll make it ease for you.

for once, I didn't think of sudden changes will happened to me. I know one day it will happened, but I didn't think it would be this soon. too soon. too abrupt, I felt like I didn't have the chance to say goodbye.

I thought to myself, yes, this is the better path. no more rooms for making sins, insyaAllah. or at least, lessen the sins I've made.

but deep inside I couldn't help but to say, " why on earth did I let this go this? I felt a little of regret. "

and astaghfirullah, I shouldn't feel regret.

never regret leaving the things He hates and never ever regret of doing something good for your soul.

the path is never easy for those who were promised Heaven.

if getting into Jannah is as easy as A B C, we will all crammed into Jannah like those boneless sardine in a can. eh?

Jannah is not easy to achieved but it's not impossible. we have all the 'cheat codes' in the Quran.

to simplify : do as what He pleases, leave all the things He hates.

it's all there, masyaAllah. it's up to us to move our butt to work on it or just sit out on this one, and see other people striving for Jannah. and one day in Akhirah, we'll be looking at them with bright and happy faces, as they get to enter Jannah. and us? wallahu'alam.

whenever we wanna do something, ask ourselves, is this permissible in Islam?

Islam never restricts any thing way too much. it is us who exaggerate on a certain aspect of Islam. Islam love modesty. never too extreme and to 'chill' for anyone. never. most of the things that are permissible might fall into 'danger' zone when we do it excessively. and that, insyaAllah I will go on deeper on that matter in another post.

ya Allah, grant us strength and make us istiqamah with this wonderful deen.

when I tried to do something and every thing seems out of place, I felt this is His way of telling me off -- "Sya, have you forgotten about your Lord? Have you recited enough my love letters every day? Have you remembered me during your day and night? Have you..."

So remember Him and only in remembrance of Allah the heart finds peace. (13:28)

fitrah

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
Allahu akbar, walillahilhamd.

How I missed the sound of takbir in the eve of Syawal, and the morning after. Eidul fitri, the day of celebration for us, after a month of struggling in the university of Ramadhan, we get to celebrate ourselves on this 1st day of Syawal. however, a question always stuck in my head every time Ramadhan ends, "Do I deserve to celebrate this day?" I have always felt that I didn't make the most of Ramadhan. and it makes me wonder will I get the chance to meet the next Ramadhan? :( what's worse? I didn't managed to achieved my only goal for Ramadhan, that is to finish all 30 juz of Quran (with the meanings of course!) I have failed. *cries* I will try again next time insyaAllah!

this year I celebrated eid in SP; and alhamdulillah, I get to track back my maternal relatives who I've never seemed to know. (or knew but forgotten since we didn't come back here often before this) I told ma to draw all the relatives in a family tree form ; since her cousin had 10 kids and all of them have kids and grandkids. =.="

had 2 of the sisters visited over, and my rabb, they're just so sweet. kak keenah and kak eda. what they've been always telling me that, being a HO is tough, and even tougher if you are without Him. if He is the only intention of yours to become a doctor, insyaAllah you will survived and will never give up.

not just this, but anything my dear friends, anything. if you do for the sake of Allah SWT, you will feel relief, you will not feel negative and so and so. example : love your family for the sake of Allah, no matter how disappointed we felt with them, we will still try to mend the relation and also try to keep in a good condition.

sure, we as human, it's part of our fitrah to feel sad, angry, and whatever emotions we can feel. that's why it's important to tajdid our intentions; to renew it every single time, so that we are aware and always in remembrance of Him.

so, let's tajdid our intentions!

husnu zhon

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
husnu zhon means having good thoughts (about others)

in Islam, we are taught to have good thoughts on others, for we do not know what really happened. so we wouldn't be so judgmental about others. for example, when you see some young teenage girl got pregnant, and you will be thinking that, "oh, this girl must've been sleeping around!" but it may not be true! she might got raped. get it?

something like that.

or the saying that goes "don't judge a book by its cover" applies in the context of husnu zhon as well.

it's not easy, but we have to give it a try. the moment you have bad thoughts (su-u zhon) it will immediately effect your heart. you will think you are better than others (takabbur) and feels so good about it! (riak) nauuzubillah min zalik!

husnu zhon is good. it purifies the heart in a way and gives you the positivity of life. you wouldn't feel down or anything. seeing things in the brighter side is nice!

temporary excitement.

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

it's nice to see myself updating the blog regularly. *grins* it's like seeing something rising up from the ashes I supposed? haha. bear with me, I blog when I feel there's things to share. ;P

as usual, I put myself together (oh, sounds very sadistic there) to go to the hospital for practicals. but each day there's always an outcome, a non-related medic study outcome from it.

today, I learnt that there's so many cases of underage sex, premarital sex (that end up in obs & gynae section, if you know what I mean*) and most of them comes from the malays. when kak keenah did her 'clerking' I saw the files and I was literally having goosebumps and in fear.

14, 15 year olds are smoking, sexually active? "drinking since 18 year old". a drug user as well. are. you. kidding. me?

the main reason is pretty much the same. lack of attention.love from the family. lack of religious act.  I guess all those are things that basically gives you pleasure in life. but it's temporary. it ENDS. when it ends, you crave for more and more and more, and when it's too late, you will most likely end up having liver cirrhosis, hepatitis C, lung cnacer and a child in your belly. and are too broken to be accepted in the family. maybe.

then it hits me; it's not their fault, they didn't know, they were the victims in this condition. if only they knew there is another way. to channel all the energies, to Islam itself. how wonderful Islam is, it's the perfect religion as it covers pretty much the WHOLE life cycle of a man. as Ustaz Alias Othman (a lecturer at CSCMU) said, even when you park your car, there is an Islamic way and by Islamic way, of course it is based on Quran and hadith. subhanallah!

how you may ask?

Abu Hurairra reported that the Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, “A man passed by a fallen branch in the middle of the road and said, ‘By Allah, I will remove this from the path of the Muslims so that it does not inconvenience them’ and he was admitted into the Garden.” (Muslim)

by implying this hadtih on parking a car, one should park so that he will not create an obstacle (and make way) for other people. get it? awesome right?!

so. as the Ustaz said, even a tiny thing such as parking a car has an Islamic way, what about the bigger things? of course there is!

we must know and understand why we are told to abstain from taking alcohol, drugs, and premarital sex. and for these people who did all these, it's not their fault if they don't understand. someone should tell them. someone should explain to them. someone is us!

we, as the people who has the ilm (knowledge) of why is so and so, we should spread it. Rasulullah SAW once said, “Spread my Message, even if it is one word" and the message is not just limited to Rasulullah's hadith, but also to what the prophet intend to spread; which is Islam itself.

all of a sudden, I feel that it's truly my destiny to become a doctor, to treat the illness of the patient inside out, jasad and their roh.


honestly, I feel so blessed, as He had protect me from all these 'social illness'. I may be ignorant in the past, with most of my friends are male, I was living in the city, with all my likings of useless things, my idols were the celebrities, I was never sexually active, smoking and abusing drugs and insyaAllah will never be.

but somehow I can relate why the teens are acting so.

these things made you feel happy. but for a shortwhile. that's why we crave for more. and it's part of human's characteristic to satisfy one's nafs. it's just when you do it the wrong way, it's wrong.

so many life lessons to be learnt. :)

PS : didn't proof read. kak mazwin's laptop is just too unique. he he. juuuust kidding, kak. loves ya. ;)

forgotten nikmat

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

"Maka Yang mana satu di antara nikmat-nikmat Tuhan kamu, Yang kamu hendak dustakan?"

surah ar-Rahman, ayat 13

oh look at that. another update. mesti takdak laif sampai hapdet tiba2 banyak laa ni? haha

#1
practicals insyaAllah so far alright, got a buddy from volgo, which is super friendly and talkative, that basically has same departments all the way with me. the HOs are okay, they seemed quiet and strict (ahah) but I guess that is due to their workloads which are a lot, since we're in the medical department. but when you ask questions, they answered, and when you talked to them they actually talked back. so it's not that bad at all. there are few HO which are friendly (considered) since they said hi and stuff. I feel such a stalker when I flip the patient's file and check out where they are from (thanks to the stamp of theirs that indicate their uni) hehe.

such an interesting sight of patients who has different attitudes. but it saddens me the most to see the malays (who I assumed are muslim as written on ICs) got tattooed on their bodies. they were like in 30s and 40s. the nurse reaction when she lift up one of the patient's sleeve to check his BP "amboii, naga!" (read in kedah's dialect please, hehe) (ok wait, the funny part was that wasn't a dragon, it was a seahorse. so tak cool. haha) I can't help but to feel that I've been kufur with the nikmat, the biggest nikmat that He had granted for me, which is Islam itself. Islam ad-Deen - Islam as the way of life. to feel that there's so much for me to do here, in the dunya, to spread awareness about Islam as the way it's supposed to be. not just Islam written in your IC, Islam during the Ramadhan and Islam during the Eid. nooo. it's MORE than that. *sweats*

and when the patient has no chance of surviving, or his conditions deteriorates, and you had to tell the family that they are losing someone they care. (as doctors this is the difficult part, if you get so attached to the patient, or if you just have a big heart; but certain doctors may just pass the news in a breeze, as they had done it many many times) I couldn't even look at the patient who breathes as if he was choking, and his condition just get worse. after a while, you get to see a bunch of people came in for visit, and you knew, this might be the last chance for them to see him. the family recited Yassin as most of our people loves to do nowadays. indeed, death is near us, and it catches us regardless our age. I don't know about you guys out there but for me, death of another is scary -- because it reminds me of my fate one day. death is enough as a reminder for us. we always tend to forget to be thankful for the nikmat that He has given us. the nikmat of waking up after temporary death (sleep) the nikmat of air, water, and etc. take 5 and say, alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah, for every nikmat that I've given, the ones I'm aware of and the ones I'm unware of. :)

btw, I don't get why we recite Yassin in time of near death and for the dead. why? after my unfinished-research, most of the hadith stating about the 'miracles' of Yassin for the near death and dead is either dhoif (weak) or fake.

insyaAllah practicals will be very educating for the mind and soul.

“Apabila seorang Islam melawat saudaranya yang sakit, dia sebenar telah melabur buah-buahan syurga sehingga dia kembali”

[Hadith Riwayat Muslim #2568].

:)

pre-ramadhan

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

alhamdulillah. ramadhan's soon! and i have debts. uh-oh.

tomorrow i'll be starting my practicals in sultan abdul halim hospital. it's 10 mins away from home but insyaAllah i'll be staying with sis mazwin and sis keena. sis mazwin is a MO and sis keena is a HO in the hospital. they're both really nice and meeting them is indeed a blessing. we even planned to do an iftar soon. it's gonna be exciting. meeting other people within the circle of happiness (bulatan gembira ala ala inche gabbana) is really a blessing

truly, i'll be going out from my comfort zone soon. ah, the signs of independence and growing up. haha. insyaAllah i'll be okay with things, for i believe He will bring me through it. :)

apparently i'm still not over the fact that i was stationed here in SP when i wanted to do somewhere else. momma insist of me doing my practicals here in SP because the distance is near to our new house. then i found out that no one is going to be here except me due to parents' work commitment. (insert crickets sound here) "why don't you find a hostel and stay there?" she said last week. honestly it hits me, but hey, we gotta move on, right? so i said i was fine anywhere, really. i might crumble on the first 2 days or maybe a week but insyaAllah i'll find my way back. humans are created with the ability to adapt. and yes, this feeling shall pass. He always put His creations on the best path. and I always wonder why am I being so ungrateful child right now? sigh.

istighfar, istighfar.

the hearts are on rebellious act. huhu. it's been awhile, right? since I last had my own circle of happiness. *tears*

will leave you with an interesting-reality-bites video


the boy is so adorable. i wanna a kid like this one. eh? :p

homecoming!

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

alhamdulilllah, alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah.

I can't put into words how grateful it is to be here. 

the fight back home this time, it wasn't an exciting one for me. I felt no excitement. it was like "ok, i'm going back." it wasn't really a pleasant flight for me, I had motion sickness during the flight. and my back was killing me. I couldn't sleep. and I slept for like an hour? It was painful.

I tried to calm myself down. I'm in the sky, and I'm 'closer' to Him (as if) I prayed, and all the emotions started to kick off. all the sins I've done, whether I was aware or unaware of it. and His mercy and forgiveness are beyond everything. and I was just tearing up, non-stop. so I flipped the holy Quran, so happens to read ar-Rum, chapter 30. and the translation of the surah was amazing, as it really fits my emotions.

but all the sickness & emotions went away when I walked out and saw my dad looking at me, smiling. Allah. the feeling was indescribable. i miss my dad. and he was like, "i came alone." ok. then when we went to the car I saw my mom and melor. aaaa~ super duper good feeling. melor's a big girl now. and it's gonna take some time for her to be okay with me. *grins*

when mom started to filled me up with what did I miss for the past year. I teared. I have missed so much. and she didn't want to tell me earlier because she didn't want me to worry. and then I couldn't help myself from crying. I felt like I have left my mom and abandoned her. I hugged her, and muttered sorry and I love her. :'( she said it's not my fault, just take the stories as a lesson. I quoted her, "I just don't want to go through the same situation again." :'(((( I should've be at home more. :'(((

I'm so clingy with mom now. yeay.

happy holidays everyone. spend it well. time waits for no man, and once it has passed, you can never get it back.

(:

kawan?

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

"a friend in need is a friend indeed."

hari ni depan mata nampak perkara ni betul2 berlaku.
si kawan mintak kawannya tolong angkat2 barang, nak berpindah. tiba2 semua tak nak pergi. sedangkan tu kawan makan sama2, gelak hu-ha sama2. oh sandinya. apa guna kalau kenal sejak form 1 tapi still ada barrier itu? kan chance untuk dapat pahala kalau kita tolong orang? dan quote kawanku sorang, "kalau kita tolong orang, Allah tolong kita." kan? bukannya hang sibuk sangat pun. setakat nak pergi shopping je. bukannya ada exam ataupun sakit belakang ke apa tak boleh nak angkat barang kan? kalau ramai2 tolong kan elok. senang kerja. hmmm.

mungkin, dan mungkin juga i expected too much from them? sebab masing2 dah besar. cuma kesian sangat la kawanku yang berpindah tu. huuhu.

and true enough, it's hard to find a good friend. that sticks you through thick and thin, be with you with every tears of joy and tears of pain.

sangat rugi kalau kita berkawan 'saja2' je. like, simply, im friends with you because you're rich/nice/pretty or whatsoever reason that is not even concrete at all. isn't it so nice if we're friends because of Him? and with that, we are able to teach ourselves to be patient with our friends, because of Him. kawan hang suka cakap banyak, layan je la kan? mungkin itu peluang pahala kita?

sedih. sangat sedih dengan fakta hidup (facts of life) sekarang.

oh ada pernah terbaca, a friend is not a friend unless tested in 3 ways, -- in time of need, behind your back, after your death. (quoted by saidina Ali a.s)

-muhasabah-

after all, we are all human.

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

maybe I expected so much from you.
after all, we were in this together. are we still in this together? I'm not so sure now.
to know that I know you inside out, I feel it's unfair. I feel that you're such a hypocrite.
when all along you told me I'm the hypocrite one; even when I already told you it's not good to call someone that.
it's great you wanna help out others, but it just kills me when I know who you really are. and I can't accept the fact that it was you who actually said that. like, seriously? don't tell me you're sincere in this. cos I see actions and not listening to your words.
words are useless without actions.
I've lost my trust for you.
and that is why I just can't believe a word you said.

after all, I know deep inside we're humans.
the impatient, weak, pathetic, disgraceful humans.

simply.

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.


after a long hiatus, here I am again.
I think my interest to blogging started to fade and now it became like this.

I never knew I'd stand on this very day, thinking about this very matter.
I never expect myself to be like this, and yet this is the path I have chosen.

I never knew I'd change so much; as day by day the change does not even prominent. but as I look back, I see the difference.

"people change, it's just the matter of for better or for worse."

and in my case, it may be for worse. (because I think I have been better)
sigh.

BUT, this is not something that I regret. although there are some points in life that made me wished that I could turn back time and change them, God has written my life journey as it is for a reason. for me to become the way I'm suppose to be. He sends trouble for me to solve and it's up to me to crumble upon and cries or to stand up and get through it with courage.

the challenge to grab the chance to enter Jannah is never easy. because Jannah is too awesome for a small challenge. Jannah is for awesome people. and for that, you have to become awesome and that isn't easy. awesome in who's context here we're talking about? in human's eyes? or in God's view? something uncool can be cool if He approves it. *I swear!* and vice versa; something cool can be super uncool if He dislikes it.

I've said things I wouldn't do and here I am, doing it anyway. Allah. see how easy my heart turns away from my own words?

point is, you'll never know what you'll do unless you went through the situation yourself. I've said I wouldn't want to do this because I've never tested in that way; and now when I do, I tell you, it's hard to let it go. I blame myself for being weak. but yeah.

this reminds me of a sahabat that never gave advices on something unless he has experience on it.

well. may Allah grant us courage to get through any kind of difficulties we're having.

it scares me that it scares you but let's face it, we're terrified of all the what IFs that we talked about.

but hey, if He wills, so be it. and for now, let's cool down and see what's going to happen.

PS : I'm worried. but you'll be fine.

let the flames begin.

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

It's been a while.

It's scary; I'm starting to feel that I'm becoming my old-self.

"Who I am hates who I've been".

Exactomundo. And why am I becoming my old-self again? Truth to be told, I have no idea. Maybe I just need positive environment around me, for I get easily affected with my surroundings. Positive surrounding makes you an optimist, and vice versa. Right?

One once said that if you can't have a positive surrounding, create one. But hey, one does not simply creates positive surrounding.

I don't have anything to write anymore because I don't feel like writing anymore. Mungkin zaman blogger akan berakhir tak lama lagi? :D

long hiatus

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

been MIA from the blog.

this could only mean 2 things
a) I'm okay, too busy with things.
b) I'm not okay, too busy handling with my own probs.


and it's the 2nd one.