absurd

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

"Life can sometimes be so absurd." - Outlandish's After every rain fall.

first of all, terima kasih to Aisha Ahmad for the internet cable. my cable is not working. and i'm planning not to take the internet for the next month. seriously not worth paying about rm85 and the speed changes. they said i should get 3mbps but not really, you know. ok lah sometimes it feels like 3mbps, the goodness i get when i downloaded house episodes in less than an hour. :P but yeah maybe this is for my own good.

second of all, i'm still trying to figure out what's up with me. one minute i'm all smiling and the other i'm all frowning. i keep thinking that i might have something huge burdening me but when i really think of it, i don't have it. am i imagining myself to be burdened by something is not real? people think i'm angry with them while i'm actually more angry at myself. reading that article makes me really think, who do i have when i'm all down and below? myself and Him. so i need sometimes to be left alone and gather my courage to move on. oh yeah, i speak of this as if i have something huge going on, but really, i don't. i just think too much. (partly why i hate facebook for putting up "what's on your mind" thing there) in one moment, every single thing was on my mind. i just need to focus on good things, the important things, and the people that matters. scratch that last part, i'm not sure if i can focus on that.

i now know why most of the time i can't be left alone. why i need the crowd, the noise, the people. -- i think too much.

i just have to strongly believe that He has things going on for me for a reason.

and for that, i breathe.

berita.

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

ku fikir mahu ulas tentang berita. berita apa? berita yang terpampang di dada akhbar berita harian. tentang doktor pelatih graduan dari luar negara. terutamanya pelajar dari russia.

...


.....


........


tidakku tahu mahu berkata apa. semalam waktu ku baca tentangnya, banyak pula di kepala. hari ni tiadaku peduli pula. mungkin semalam 'memanas' bilaku mula-mula baca berita tu.

senang cerita, inginku maklumkan, bukan senang ye nak graduate dari russia. dengan dugaan harian menghadapi orang tempatan di sini, dengan sistem pelajaran berbeza dengan di malaysia. ( russia menekankan bahawa mereka mengajar pelajar untuk ilmu, bukan untuk persediaan ke peperiksaan seperti di malaysia ) bagus, tidakku sangkalkan sedikit pun sistem ni. cumanya sudahku terbiasa dengan sistem di malaysia, itu saja.

yang mengkhabarkan bahawa universiti di russia buruk, kerana menerima sebarang sahaja pelajar, tidak menapis, inginku katakan, siapa juga menghantar pelajar ke sini? *agent la siapa lagi* buruk sungguh, kerana wang ringgit, kualiti diabaikan. ini memangku tidak setuju ya. siapa mahu dikaitkan dengan mereka ini? sadisnya.

juga inginku tekankan di sini, bukan senang untuk adaptasi ilmu di dalam otak dan aplikasikannya dalam realiti. itulah gunanya kami perlukan praktikal. dan bagaimana dengan nasib pelajar-pelajar yang tidak berpeluang untuk membuat praktikal di malaysia? praktikal di russia dan di malaysia sangat berbeza ya. tidak semua pelajar dapat sesuaikan diri dengan begitu sahaja.

apa-apa pun, ini hanyalah pendapatku seorang.

buruknya, kerana nila setitik, rosak susu sebelanga.

tidak pula kamu semua mahu memuji doktor pelatih yang bagus. yang buruk dicaci, yang bagus menyepi. hmm.

afwan jika ada terkasar bahasa.

:)

valentine's day.

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

actually, aku tak nak ulas perkara ni. tapi, post-post di news feed facebook buatkan aku nak tulis 1001 perkara.

artikel pengharaman v'day. [link]

i don't know what's going on the news and all, which politician said what, but all i know, they said v'day is haram.

*tarik nafas dalam-dalam*

panjang topic ni.

1) what is the story behind v'day?
some say it's about a love story between a priest and a girl, how their love somewhat forbidden, and he sent to her his love letters, from prison. (i forgot how he ended up there) and somehow he died, without meeting his love.

how true was that story? probably 0.01% -- because it's more a 'fairy tale' rather than reality.

what is the true story behind v'day? i don't know. read wikipedia and you'll find various version. i don't really care anyway.


2) v'day is from christian's belief
in Islam, we're told not to follow anything that resembles another religion. but about v'day comes from christian belief, i don't know how true it is. because, i'm not a christian, and frankly speaking i don't really know what is their point of view on this day. all i know is that v'day is related to saint valentine, a martyr. that's all. there was a recent news, it states that v'day is not a christian celebration -- at least not in malaysia. [link]


my thoughts :
1) v'day is a day where one express their love for another, regardless their lover or their relatives (parents) my say, why should we wait for this one particular day, namely 14 feb, every year just to express our love for them? love should be unconditional.

2) rakyat kita memang suka mengikut. takde pendirian sendiri. agama sendiri diabaikan. kalaulah dari dulu nenek moyang kita sembah berhala (style ala-ala zaman jahiliah) confirm kita pun ikut saja la. lepas tu, tiba-tiba lah ada orang buat announcement, cakap sembah berhala tu salah, semua bising. sebab dah BIASA dengan perkara tu. tiba-tiba nak ubah. mestilah marah.
old habits die hard, you know?

3) "kenapa haramkan v'day? new year tu lagi teruk sampai gaduh2 kat klcc." bagi aku sama je. dua-dua celebration results bad things. kenapa v'day je diharamkan? sebab dah dikata, tak elok celebrate, tiada siapa nak faham. masih celebrate. mereka yang declare benda tu haram, sbb dah tak tau nak buat apa kot. tapi bahayanya, suka suki jatuhkan benda itu ini haram, rakyat fed up. senang cerita kan, explain elok-elok kenapa haram. rakyat sekarang bukan macam dulu, ikut arahan bulat-bulat. aku rasa memang patut benda ni jadi issue, supaya semua orang bukak mata, pasang telinga, tahu what's really going on.

4) "but we're not like, following one's religion or do zina. it's just for fun." couple, kekasih, boyfriend-girlfriend is actually haram. [link] what more to celebrate LOVEY DOVEY day with them. super haram.


my conclusion :
there's no need to celebrate valentine's day.

simply

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

tiba-tiba rasa nak menulis.

atas dasar & reason apa, aku tak pasti.

*melihat ayat tadi, menggelengkan kepala*

ayat rojak aku makin menjadi-jadi. dan menurut mama, ayat bahasa melayu aku pun tak berapa nak betul. sesetengah perkataan aku guna, kurang sesuai dengan keadaan.

aku rindu suasana kursk. sebab kat sana constantly ramai orang. walaupun kadang kala aku perlu untuk bersendirian, I still like the atmosphere. rindu dengan suasana riuh, ramai-ramai, gelak ketawa release tension belajar. aku balik malaysia macam takde sangat purpose. boleh dikatakan buang duit dan buang masa. aku cuba manfaatkan masa. cuba untuk spend time with my family. aku tak rapat dengan family aku sangat, tapi aku takde lah renggang dengan mereka. I'm just 'okay' with them. nak kata aku lepak dengan kawan, tak jugak. jumpa mereka yang perlu. the best friend, the close friends and certain kawan yang lama tak jumpa. part of me tak nak jumpa sangat dengan orang sebab aku rasa takde point pun. plus, attitude dorang buatkan aku LAGIlah tak nak jumpa dorang. *sinister smile*

berbalik kepada spending time with family. aku memang fail dalam communication with other people. dari dulu lagi. tapi ntah macamana ntah aku ok la sikit sekarang. dan aku paling tak suka bual kosong. sebab aku akan rasa kosong. so if I don't have anything to say, I won't say anything. so apalah yang aku buat? duduk diam, senyum dan respond apabila ditanya. percaya atau tak, macam tu lah aku dengan family. boleh dikatakan aku fly on the wall. orang tak perasan aku ada kat tempat tu kadang2. kalaulah abang tak bercakap dengan aku, aku pun tak bercakap. melainkan ada benda nak ditanya. aku tak rasa nak bercerita pasal life aku sebab aku rasa benda tu irrelevant melainkan aku nak mintak advise ke apa ke.

mungkin dengan kawan-kawan seperjuangan situasi dia lain la. banyak benda nak dicakap sebab we have things in common. aku teringat yang Ivin cakap kalau age gap besar between siblings, susah sikit nak relate to each other. haha. quite true lah.

peliklah. I was so used to me being alone in the house last time. cos abang and kakak have their own life, all that's left in the house is the three of us - my mom, my dad and I. my parents are always out working and I was always alone in the house. now, dah biasa dengan hostel life yang constantly ramai orang, I don't like staying alone. I'm prone to do stupid things when I'm alone. tak berfikir secara rasional.

*grunts*

benci bila aku mula melayankan perasaan.

-

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

tak tau macamana tapi, benda dah terjadi.

aku emosional secara tiba-tiba. aku rasa benda ni hormonal sebab aku perempuan. tapi, still. kenapa harus aku berkelakuan begitu?

aku rasa serba tak kena.

rasa down.

sebab aku tau apa puncanya dan aku masih di takuk lama, tak maju ke hadapan.

aku rasa aku tak mempunyai kekuatan, dan aku sebenarnya tak pernah rasa aku ada kekuatan untuk hadapinya. aku rasa nak rewind balik pada masa tu. masa yang aku tak rasa apa yang aku rasa sekarang ni. pada masa yang aku maju ke hadapan, dan tidak sedikit pun menoleh ke belakang.

aku tahu apa yang aku perlukan. aku pernah ada. tapi sekarang ianya hilang.

aku perlu belajar mendapatkannya semula. tapi terasa sangat berat kakiku untuk melangkah.

aku perlu lawan sifat pessimist aku.

seriously i dont know what's wrong with me.

just because of these things, i feel like throwing other things away. far far far away.

i need to set things straight.

i need to.

i have to.

i want to.

*inhale*

Ya Allah, permudahkanlah segala urusanku.