pre-ramadhan

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

alhamdulillah. ramadhan's soon! and i have debts. uh-oh.

tomorrow i'll be starting my practicals in sultan abdul halim hospital. it's 10 mins away from home but insyaAllah i'll be staying with sis mazwin and sis keena. sis mazwin is a MO and sis keena is a HO in the hospital. they're both really nice and meeting them is indeed a blessing. we even planned to do an iftar soon. it's gonna be exciting. meeting other people within the circle of happiness (bulatan gembira ala ala inche gabbana) is really a blessing

truly, i'll be going out from my comfort zone soon. ah, the signs of independence and growing up. haha. insyaAllah i'll be okay with things, for i believe He will bring me through it. :)

apparently i'm still not over the fact that i was stationed here in SP when i wanted to do somewhere else. momma insist of me doing my practicals here in SP because the distance is near to our new house. then i found out that no one is going to be here except me due to parents' work commitment. (insert crickets sound here) "why don't you find a hostel and stay there?" she said last week. honestly it hits me, but hey, we gotta move on, right? so i said i was fine anywhere, really. i might crumble on the first 2 days or maybe a week but insyaAllah i'll find my way back. humans are created with the ability to adapt. and yes, this feeling shall pass. He always put His creations on the best path. and I always wonder why am I being so ungrateful child right now? sigh.

istighfar, istighfar.

the hearts are on rebellious act. huhu. it's been awhile, right? since I last had my own circle of happiness. *tears*

will leave you with an interesting-reality-bites video


the boy is so adorable. i wanna a kid like this one. eh? :p

homecoming!

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

alhamdulilllah, alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah.

I can't put into words how grateful it is to be here. 

the fight back home this time, it wasn't an exciting one for me. I felt no excitement. it was like "ok, i'm going back." it wasn't really a pleasant flight for me, I had motion sickness during the flight. and my back was killing me. I couldn't sleep. and I slept for like an hour? It was painful.

I tried to calm myself down. I'm in the sky, and I'm 'closer' to Him (as if) I prayed, and all the emotions started to kick off. all the sins I've done, whether I was aware or unaware of it. and His mercy and forgiveness are beyond everything. and I was just tearing up, non-stop. so I flipped the holy Quran, so happens to read ar-Rum, chapter 30. and the translation of the surah was amazing, as it really fits my emotions.

but all the sickness & emotions went away when I walked out and saw my dad looking at me, smiling. Allah. the feeling was indescribable. i miss my dad. and he was like, "i came alone." ok. then when we went to the car I saw my mom and melor. aaaa~ super duper good feeling. melor's a big girl now. and it's gonna take some time for her to be okay with me. *grins*

when mom started to filled me up with what did I miss for the past year. I teared. I have missed so much. and she didn't want to tell me earlier because she didn't want me to worry. and then I couldn't help myself from crying. I felt like I have left my mom and abandoned her. I hugged her, and muttered sorry and I love her. :'( she said it's not my fault, just take the stories as a lesson. I quoted her, "I just don't want to go through the same situation again." :'(((( I should've be at home more. :'(((

I'm so clingy with mom now. yeay.

happy holidays everyone. spend it well. time waits for no man, and once it has passed, you can never get it back.

(:

kawan?

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

"a friend in need is a friend indeed."

hari ni depan mata nampak perkara ni betul2 berlaku.
si kawan mintak kawannya tolong angkat2 barang, nak berpindah. tiba2 semua tak nak pergi. sedangkan tu kawan makan sama2, gelak hu-ha sama2. oh sandinya. apa guna kalau kenal sejak form 1 tapi still ada barrier itu? kan chance untuk dapat pahala kalau kita tolong orang? dan quote kawanku sorang, "kalau kita tolong orang, Allah tolong kita." kan? bukannya hang sibuk sangat pun. setakat nak pergi shopping je. bukannya ada exam ataupun sakit belakang ke apa tak boleh nak angkat barang kan? kalau ramai2 tolong kan elok. senang kerja. hmmm.

mungkin, dan mungkin juga i expected too much from them? sebab masing2 dah besar. cuma kesian sangat la kawanku yang berpindah tu. huuhu.

and true enough, it's hard to find a good friend. that sticks you through thick and thin, be with you with every tears of joy and tears of pain.

sangat rugi kalau kita berkawan 'saja2' je. like, simply, im friends with you because you're rich/nice/pretty or whatsoever reason that is not even concrete at all. isn't it so nice if we're friends because of Him? and with that, we are able to teach ourselves to be patient with our friends, because of Him. kawan hang suka cakap banyak, layan je la kan? mungkin itu peluang pahala kita?

sedih. sangat sedih dengan fakta hidup (facts of life) sekarang.

oh ada pernah terbaca, a friend is not a friend unless tested in 3 ways, -- in time of need, behind your back, after your death. (quoted by saidina Ali a.s)

-muhasabah-

after all, we are all human.

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

maybe I expected so much from you.
after all, we were in this together. are we still in this together? I'm not so sure now.
to know that I know you inside out, I feel it's unfair. I feel that you're such a hypocrite.
when all along you told me I'm the hypocrite one; even when I already told you it's not good to call someone that.
it's great you wanna help out others, but it just kills me when I know who you really are. and I can't accept the fact that it was you who actually said that. like, seriously? don't tell me you're sincere in this. cos I see actions and not listening to your words.
words are useless without actions.
I've lost my trust for you.
and that is why I just can't believe a word you said.

after all, I know deep inside we're humans.
the impatient, weak, pathetic, disgraceful humans.

simply.

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.


after a long hiatus, here I am again.
I think my interest to blogging started to fade and now it became like this.

I never knew I'd stand on this very day, thinking about this very matter.
I never expect myself to be like this, and yet this is the path I have chosen.

I never knew I'd change so much; as day by day the change does not even prominent. but as I look back, I see the difference.

"people change, it's just the matter of for better or for worse."

and in my case, it may be for worse. (because I think I have been better)
sigh.

BUT, this is not something that I regret. although there are some points in life that made me wished that I could turn back time and change them, God has written my life journey as it is for a reason. for me to become the way I'm suppose to be. He sends trouble for me to solve and it's up to me to crumble upon and cries or to stand up and get through it with courage.

the challenge to grab the chance to enter Jannah is never easy. because Jannah is too awesome for a small challenge. Jannah is for awesome people. and for that, you have to become awesome and that isn't easy. awesome in who's context here we're talking about? in human's eyes? or in God's view? something uncool can be cool if He approves it. *I swear!* and vice versa; something cool can be super uncool if He dislikes it.

I've said things I wouldn't do and here I am, doing it anyway. Allah. see how easy my heart turns away from my own words?

point is, you'll never know what you'll do unless you went through the situation yourself. I've said I wouldn't want to do this because I've never tested in that way; and now when I do, I tell you, it's hard to let it go. I blame myself for being weak. but yeah.

this reminds me of a sahabat that never gave advices on something unless he has experience on it.

well. may Allah grant us courage to get through any kind of difficulties we're having.

it scares me that it scares you but let's face it, we're terrified of all the what IFs that we talked about.

but hey, if He wills, so be it. and for now, let's cool down and see what's going to happen.

PS : I'm worried. but you'll be fine.