Test

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
I don't usually write about my days any more, but I feel like writing this one out because it gave me a big of an impact (not really, just more than usual) and a big ibrah to myself.

I was set to sit for my exam on one fine day, after 2 weeks of waiting. The teacher seems to be busy, so he was postponing the exam dates for quite some time. The time was set at 1pm. I planned to go there slightly early, to revise while waiting for my friend. I even bunked my class on that day. (I informed the teacher about my exam, he asked me to just cover it later)

I went to the hospital where the exam will be, I met my lubov and previous groupmates along the way. They wished me well and I bid them goodbye. It was 11.45am. I thought to myself, I was still quite early, so I just waited downstairs. I saw these 2 girls changing into their labcoats. I asked them if they're seating for exam too, to which they responded, yes. I asked them what time was the exam (I have this anxiety about exam so yes) and they told me it's at 1pm.

I got a text from my friend, asking if the exam is going to start soon. I told him, it couldn't be cos it's not even 12pm. He was on his way to where I was. I had a hunch so I went up, and to my surprise, there were bunch of students queuing up in front of the teacher's office to take the exam card. It was just 12pm. The teacher told that he will only be taking 11 students and guess what? I'm the 12th.

I just queued, and hoping that he will just let me sit for the exam. When it came for my turn, he told me to come again next week. I asked, "for sure?" He raised his voice in anger. He said he's a busy person and he will take exam as he wishes. I asked that cos he has been postponing the dates and I have dateline to catch. I noticed a guy came after me. After got scolded, I went out, in dismay trying to calm myself down.

Turns out one of the 11 students couldn't sit for the exam. Since I went out, the guy after me gets to in and do his exam instead.

Another girl came after me and begged the teacher to just let us 2 to sit for the exam. His decision was final - he won't allow us at all. She asked, "why did you start the exam early? you told us at 1pm. now its only 12.15pm" He said while pointing to the fellow batch mate, "Ask your friends why they come early! I'm busy, but if I have nothing to do I will take the exam early."

I left the room, with so many emotions at once.

1. I feel betrayed by my own batch mates. They came an hour early to secure their seats when they know I too want to sit for the exam. It's okay, I don't consider them as friends. I know they are too desperate to sit for the exam cos they wanna cheat so.. That's like whatever lah.

2. I was in shocked on why did the teacher threw his tantrum on me when he never even met me before, and I just asked that one question - to which he probably thought of me mocking him or questioning his authority.

3. I was waiting for this exam to be settled too long till I get so demotivated to do anything at all.

Results of mixed emotions? Tears. I couldn't handle and comprehend the selfishness and rudeness of these inhumane human. I have never ever cried for any examinations at all before in my life. Not even when I repeated semesters. Not even that. I'm not angry or sad that I couldn't sit for exam, but I just hate the injustice, selfishness and rudeness. That is totally not acceptable for me.

Shana texted me. I told her what happened in the text while crying.

I called my mom. Sobbing.

"you selsema ke nangis ni?"
"nangis.."
"kenapa dik?"
* I told her the whole thing *
"it's okay! this is a test from Allah. no use of you feeling all angry and disappointed if you don't tell to Allah your problem. and you know what? You have to be grateful for He is protecting you from even seating with those people who are selfish and cheat"
*sobbing.. crying..*
"you take a deep breath, calm yourself down and you will figure this out. doa banyak-banyak.."

I sat down at the bus stop, talking to my mom, and eventually stopped sobbing. I took a walk, taddabur the sky. Muhasabah. Alhamdullilah upon everything. Every single thing.

Alhamdulillah I felt better. By the time I met up with Shana and Alya, I felt a lot better. The things they do to cheer me up, it was so cute. Thank you lubovs :)

I told this matter to few people and some told me that it's a blessing. Maybe if I have sat that exam I wouldn't be able to answer or anything. Yes, I believe in rizq. So I am letting it go.

As for moral of the story.

1. syukur upon anything happened to you. there must be a real reason why God never allow you to have something.
2. don't be like them. even if you're angry, don't lash it out on other people. even if you're sad, don't show your frown to other people. they are not your punching bag.
3. don't be selfish. it won't bring you anywhere in life. you may get the grades but you have no self-respect or whatsoever.
4. do your best, let Allah do the rest!
5. surround yourself with the trustworthy ones.
6. reflect your relationship with God. I have to admit, I have been a little bit down lately, hence the over working lacrimal gland for petty dunya things.

It's fine now.
I am moving on. *flips hijab*

My friend and I are planning to do the exam this week. Please pray for us, pray that the teacher will be in a great mood to let us sit for the exam, pray that we will get the questions we know.

And insyaAllah, the week after, I planned for my another exam with another friend as well. Pray for us, so that we can go through this exam in a breeze and ease. My graduating friends too are struggling with their subjects. Please pray that all of us manage to settle every thing in time.

Like my mama said, we can plan, but Allah knows better.

Trust in His timing but not to forget to give our best.

Declassified : Hijab II

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

FHS : frequently heard statements.

"i tak ready nak pakai lagi.."

It's okay. Take your time, but make sure you have the intention that eventually will make the move. At least have a timeframe or something. At least lah.

"I tak nak pakai kalau i tak ikhlas. Rasa hipokrit"

The truth is, we never know when we are truly sincere doing something. I'm talking about the sincerest sincere. Have you ever felt in your life the real sincerity? It's difficult to know. Bet the angels wouldn't know as well. This is strictly between us and God.

Nevertheless, you won't get sincerity by just waiting and without putting any effort. Sincerity is something we gained along the way. Nobody starts anything with 100% sincerity. It starts with difficulty and hard work - then sincerity will string along the way.

Hypocrite - is it really? If you tried and you know you're putting real efforts to be sincere; it's not hypocritical at all. Allah knows. If the people are saying bad things, let them be. They're not the ones that will grant you paradise in the end.

"Those people with hijab and bad attitudes makes me don't wanna wear it. Menyampah with them, wears hijab but attitude like what only."

Or

"Those hijabis are not saints. We non hijabis are having a better attitude than them"

Stop looking at other people and start looking at yourself. Why don't you change the stigma? Lets have a good attitude with the hijab on. Plus, everyone has different ways of doing things. Some start with wearing hijab, some start with their akhlaq / attitude. Either way it's not wrong. At least you're going somewhere.

"I wanna wear but I'm scared I'll take it off"

It's okay. Just wear it. Remember the steps I shared before? Yes. Do all that. Don't count the chicken before the eggs hatch. Stop worrying things that are not going to happen yet.

The thing with good deeds / ibadah; don't think too much of it. Do as what NIKE says. Just do it. If you think too much, you might ended up doing nothing. Nada. It will be a great loss!

***

Find your inspiration to start. Find your ways to istiqamah. Have a strong heart! May Allah eases your affairs. ♥️

Declassified : Hijab I

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

Recently I got a message from an old friend - whom I haven't met and chatted for ages.

"Sya, nak tanya, macamana you boleh pakai tudung and istiqamah?"

Silent.

This isn't the first time I've been asked this question, but I seemed to not know what to say exactly and even if I do, how do I address this issue in the most delicate manner?

Hijab is a pretty sensitive issue. I'm sure you are aware of that, Malaysians. Sometimes people criticise a little too much on things they're not supposed to.

Well, here goes nothing;

I'm not gonna tell you that it is a command from Allah to cover your aurat. It's a well-known fact. I'm sure you could as a 12 year old kid, and she'd answer that in a heartbeat. But did you realised it was mentioned in the Quran? In Surah an-Nur, the 24th chapter, verse 31

And tell the believing women to reduce [some] of their vision and guard their private parts and not expose their adornment except that which [necessarily] appears thereof and to wrap [a portion of] their headcovers over their chests and not expose their adornment except to their husbands, their fathers, their husbands' fathers, their sons, their husbands' sons, their brothers, their brothers' sons, their sisters' sons, their women, that which their right hands possess, or those male attendants having no physical desire, or children who are not yet aware of the private aspects of women. And let them not stamp their feet to make known what they conceal of their adornment. And turn to Allah in repentance, all of you, O believers, that you might succeed.

This is a fact we can't deny. We are told to guard ourselves and not to expose our aurat except as mentioned above.

If you ask most of the girls that are wearing hijab, "why do you put on hijab?" I bet most would it's a command from Allah.

but do we really?

Some might wear
- for the sake of parents (err, yeah, cos they would beat me to death if I don't wear hijab!)
- due to peer pressure (my friends are all with hijab. I don't wanna be left out)
- because of fashion (didn't you see that dUCk scarf? it's soooo cool! vivy is my mojo)
- because they're just lazy (I don't have to fix my hair everyday! yeay!)
- so that they can listen to music without the lecturer's noticing (la la laaa)

and the list goes on and on.

Don't you deny, these are the real deal. It is happening. Especially point 4 and 5 because I am once that kid. Haha!

Why do I bring up this matter? Because it affects your istiqamahness in a way. but yeah, taking the first step is a big thing. To be istiqamah is another huge thing. So, how to achieve istiqamah? Here are some tips for you :)

1. Put your intention into place.
   Yes this is crucial girls. It's no use when you have no nawaitu on things you do. The things we do are based on our intentions. If we intend for the world, that's all we got. If we put our intention for the greater cause (ie : akhirah) then we'll get both. This is a must, do not skip this step! It helps when you a lot. Well, it helped me a lot. I myself took 6-7 months to tanam my nawaitu you know. It ain't easy, I got you.
   
   
2. Keep track of your solat.
   Take care of your solat. If you don't know, learn. If you can't read, listen to the audio and practise. It's okay, baby steps will do till you can pray properly. If you know, do it. 5 times a day. Learn the meaning of your prayers in solat. Try to pray as khusyu' you can. This is a time where you are connected well with your Creator.
   
   
3. Surround yourself with positive people.
   It doesn't have to be hijabed girls. Any positive friends will do. As long they respect and are supportive with your decision, it's good enough. The best companion are those who reminds you of God tau! Doesn't have to be some religious group to remind you of God but if you have them, then it's good. In my case, I have very supportive non-muslim friends who reminds me of God, and till this day I love them dearly. (shout out! you know who you are xx)
   
   p/s :  this is crucial too cos who knows the days when you feel down, you might need them to boost you up! we don't need negativity and people who loves to bring us down.
   
   
4. Take a good role model to inspire you.
   A lot of celebrities have been having the similar issues but they pulled it through in front of the media eyes. To name a few, Farah Fauzana, Fynn Jamal, Mizz Nina, Wardina, Irma Hasmie and more. If they can do it, so can you :)
   
   
5. Make doa.
   Last but not least, pray to Allah for your istiqamahness and your firmness to this deen. Allah never missed to listen to our prayers. Remember that. Every time. Let your prayer be specific -- "Oh Allah, please don't let me get lost in this world, please let be be istiqamah in this deen, please let me have a heart to pray, please let my laziness to pray be gone, please accept my humble deeds..."

Personally to me, most essential is you do things because you wanna do it and you know it's right. Stop looking at other people and try to be them. Do it because you want to, and because it is the right thing to do. How can it not be right when our Creator Himself has been telling us to do it?

If you don't have the heart to do it, then find it. Find a reason to do it. If it really was for your parents/friends/fashion/etc - so be it. At least have it a go. Keep on finding a heart to do it sincerely for Him and for yourself. That's the key.

Remember, for every good intention there will be a plus point (of pahala) and whenever you do them it's a plus 2 points. Isn't it awesome?

Yeah, God is the Greatest.

PS : I've written about Aurat before this. To be exact, 6 years ago.

Run, Don't Walk

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
Recently we just had our Running Muslimah 2.0 in Kursk, where the girls and I were among the organisers. We had our first RM about 4 years back so we decided to make a comeback with bigger locations to cover.

I wanted to play, but just the thought of me running makes me feel I should just be a station master instead. (I don't run, yeah)

So here are few pictures with few words!

Opening + A little tazkirah about Women. :D

I was glad we could start pretty on time; I've may mentioned before that I didn't like waiting. So we started around 10.15 am, with a little bit of introductions of ourselves; cos some of us didn't know each other. We had Adiba and Shazreen (our netball guru) to lead some stretching and light exercises. Then we played a get-to-know-tennis game; whereby we throw the ball around and whoever caught it, must tell others 1 fun fact about themselves.

About 11am the Activity Master briefed the teams about the games and gave them the map of the route.

The route was given ahead

My station was with Afeq;
We had the girls tested of their anatomy knowledge. We held out the card with the labelling, and they need to tell us what it is.

(this was said to be one of the difficult station, haha)

Afeq and I
my partner in crime; hehe

Food Station ; test your senses!
we had two cups of coffee; one of it is with fish sauce
two cups of orange juice; one of it is with chilli
and two scrambled eggs; one is dark coloured

they were rewarded with roti canai!

happy kids :)

testing your patience;
you have to move the items to your plates using the chopsticks

it could be candy

it could be corn

some had rice grains ><

testing your basic Islamic knowledge
while getting it right altogether
if you got it wrong / one of your teammates got it wrong,
you have to drink kefir.

kefir is some fermented sour youghurt milk

we had one stations where you need to blow the flour in order to get the write papers - written of good akhlaqs. here's the outcome.

We then tried to play the game ripping tag game. Unfortunately it got so violent and there was so much adrenaline (and maybe rage) so we changed the rules a little.

Then one of the girls had some accident so we decided to call the game quits and the organising members called for an urgent meeting to decide what shall we do in order to determine the best group.

worried worried!

this is more violent than it seems, haha

calling it quits!

how we settled it? with a game of rock paper scissors!

yeah, just that.

but it was still a moment of palpitations!

congrats to purple team! :D

best runner goes to : Syakira :D
look at that Golden tag, will you?

we learn not to play the tag ripping game ever! it was so violent. omg. it seems all cool and fun on tv, but in real life it's so much harder. I was told the cast member of runningman even got badly injured and had some operations done due to their health that was compromised.

in summary, it was all fun and well time spent, indeed. I'm so glad I get to be part of the team and had this wonderful experience with these amazing girls.

jazakumullahu khayran :*

love love love you all ❤

Thank you girls! See you in the next event :)

Overwhelmed

The other day I was in my friend's house. I was wondering when is our therapy exam because the date was uncertain. I did ask a friend and my groupmate to ask for me about it. So I waited and waited because I need to know for sure; if there will be exam on the next day, I'd need to go to dekanat and take a permission.

So happens my friend forgot to ask about it. She was occupied; and I told her it was okay. I was secretly anxious. Later, I texted my my groupmate, he didn't reply. 10 minutes later, I called him; he didn't pick up.

I felt this sudden of overwhelm feeling.

Why didn't I ask the teacher myself? Was I that lazy? (Kinda) Why must I rely on someone to do something I could do my own? Why?

Then came the worse thoughts.

Why would I cross an ocean for someone I barely knew but I couldn't rely on someone else for myself? Why must I rely on someone when I can do it on my own..

Tears dropped.
I know. That was so uncalled for.
That moment itself, I was hoping they couldn't notice that I was crying.

Okay. I need to calm myself down. I wanted to search for some soothing music but then I remembered, the best remedy is the al-Quran.

I read few pages. I came across a few verses that made me in tears even more.

Why must I felt so negative about this if i know for sure Allah owns everything? I must've forgotten the tawakal concept and forgotten to rely on Him the most. 

I stopped reading, lie down and tried to calm myself down. I honestly felt like some kind of loser. Why did ever think of such provocative thoughts before? Allahu..

Lied down, still in tears.
Still overwhelmed, just on different side.
I inhaled, exhaled, istighfar. Did myself some introspection.
Alhamdulillah. I felt better. Much better. As if my burden was lifted. The power of inner peace. ♥️

I glanced at my phone;
"Kak, sorry I was asleep. Still no news about the exam."

And later that day;
"Next week will be the exam. Let's sit together."

See? Allah was just testing me with a little issue and I failed to overcome on first strike. While all along, He has planned for my exams next week without any of us knowing. (Means more time to study! More chances for me to put my effort)

God, I don't know where all these feelings that came flew in suddenly. I felt too many things at once. Such a woman to feel 1001 at the same time. 😅

Frustration

Do you know that feeling of you wanna get so mad but you can't; so instead you get distant.

I know I shouldn't be mad in the first place. But I'm so human, you know? I do feel mad / pissed off / annoyed / whatever it is -- but most of the times I choose to ignore it or I try to talk myself some sense (yes, a lot of monologue has been going on) cos it ain't worth it. I know God hates these negativity, hence I'm trying to keep it calm.

There's so many things I dislike but I choose to not say a word cos that feels like me being ungrateful. Another side of me feels like I'm being lenient and went on too soft on things - since I was a frank type of girl before this. Brutally honest was my middle name. I tell things at it is. I speak my mind.

I stop doing all that as I realised it hurts people more than usual - yeah it is the truth but did you have to rub it in?

I also feel that we should not hurt other's feelings, you know?

Like, for example. I know the man is fat. But do you have to call him fat and may have hurts his feelings? He must have other good things we can focus on. Just because she's dumb you don't have to call her dumb. Worse, when you yourself is not that bright either. Who are you calling dumb? 😂

When it comes to sharing opinions or whatsoever, I'll speak my mind but carefully. Yeah if there is a place for me to voice out, I will. Learn to voice out at the right place and time.

One thing I cannot overcome is to correct someone something they done wrong. How can you tell that to a person without hurting their feeling? I don't know how to say it so i ended up keeping quiet. I know I can be just like, "Dude, can you stop calling her dumb, you're not the brightest kid in the block anyway." But that would make me sound worse than him kan? I just ended up ignore everything.

Ignore. And distant myself. I will draw a line where you can't just cross over.