unexpected

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

when we were having oncology cycle last week; as usual, we were given questions to answer about certain topics. that one particular day topic was lymphoma. when i got to know, my mind started to wander. it reminded me the day when ayah emailed me his biopsy results after he had his inguinal lymph node remove. it was angioblastic lymphoma. with a very poor connection on my phone, i went and search for that email. i wanted to read the reports once more. i wasn't sure why, but i wanted to. i went through such trouble because my phone data was dead so i had to wait till the class ended so i could search for better connection. once i read it, i was frozen. this isn't the first time i read the report, so what gives? i threw my phone on my lap, i sat down at the couch, still froze.

"akak okay ke kak?" my groupmate asked.

i kept quite, just stared blankly

"kenapa kak? akak ok tak ni?" he asked again.

"yeah im okay." i answered swiftly without moving my head.

he and the rest of them wore their jackets and bid me goodbye. i was supposed to wait for my friend to finish her class anyway, so i just sat down and stare at my phone. suddenly, i broke into tears. it was really pouring like a broken dam. i had no idea where all of these came from. i couldn't stop crying for minutes. i couldn't understand why i was crying though. not PMS for sure, too early for my cycle. it wasn't a brand new info; i've always known what was ayah's diagnose. but why it got to me real bad? why it was so painful and unbearable?

i texted my brother and of course, he just replied with an emoji. (busy lah tu, hmph *rolls eyes*) after i finally had my cool, my friend told me she just finished her class and on her way down. i composed myself and walked with her to the bus stop.

"akak selsema ke nangis" she asked casually

"nangis" i muttered. i really had no mood to beat around the bush now.

"ada masalah dengan anyone ke?"

"nope" 

then we went on talking about other things. out of the blue;

"tau dah kenapa akak nangis. masalah dalaman kan?" she brought up the topic once more

"hm not really. do you really wanna know why i cried?" she nodded yes to that. 

so i told her what happened and teared again. i felt that if i didn't explain, she's just gonna keep wondering why. then we dropped the topic. we went to the stores with the other girls, shopped, laughed and all. i thought i was going to be alright.

i was dead wrong.

i went home, distract myself with some video and what-not. suddenly broke into tears again. i was not in the mood at all. whoever texted me for favours were declined and rejected. just when i thought i've pulled myself together and tried to do my work, i couldn't do a thing. i wasn't even feeling alive. all the wrong and uncanny thoughts crossed in my mind. i wanted to do the most unspeakable things. i just wanted the pain go away. it was frustrating when i felt that my prayers don't calm me at that moment.

i couldn't bring myself to go to class. even when it was the final class and yeah it was important to attend it. i couldn't care less. i just wanna sleep so that i won't have to deal with the pain. it was so unbearable, then it became all numbed out. when afeq told me her kitten died, i had no feelings left anymore. i do feel obliged to feel sorry so i told her that but deep inside i was like, meh.

in the evening i decided to take a walk in the park. there is a park nearby my house but i only like that one particular park. i sat there, for God knows how long, and just cry. talked myself some sense and when i was finally done, i composed myself and went to get things done. things that needed to be done.

i went home. i thought it was all alright. when a friend asked what happened, i told him and broke down in tears again. but it was a short brief amount of time so i guess i was healing already.

it's funny. when you think you've got all your shit together but in reality it seems that they were just buried somewhere and just waiting the time to burst. honestly, this past year has never been so depressing for me. i am wondering if it means that all these while i wasn't dealing with them very well, i was just burying them and now one by one coming out to haunt me. great.

it's been a while

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
Salam and hello.

First of all, alhamdulillah alaa kulli hal. I passed my exams even though right in my heart I know I don't deserve it if we were to measure upon efforts; but Allah is as merciful and loving as ever. I said before I wasn't able to concentrate but, He blessed me with love. On another note, my dark clouds parted and I feel better nowadays. I stopped having panic attacks for the time being and I can feel I am slowly 'healing'.

I still have the struggle to keep my emotions intact when it comes to empathy. Few friends are having deep issues and I feel I am breaking with them. I feel as if literally I was the one in their shoes. There are days I feel a little down but I honestly don't feel as dark as last month. I'm still unsure if this is a good thing or a bad thing?

Couple of days ago, I read mato's hiatus book and it breaks me as well. As I could relate most of his story and I couldn't get it out of my head. Not going to give any spoilers here, you just have to read it yourself. Another thing I was particularly keen of one of his tweets. He said, he actually refused to give advises to others nowadays as most of them will bite him back. Hard. That's what happened and happening to me. In the al-Quran in chapter 61 verse 2, Allah address to the mukminin, "why do you say what you do not do?" and I'm flowing with tears already. This isn't the first time I've heard of this verse yet I kept forgetting the essence of it. Apparently who I am today is the exact opposite of who was before. I'm not sure if I like this person I'm becoming to be. Heck, I'm not even sure what to feel. I'm just too numbed out, maybe?

I'm on my way to finding myself. Some soul searching stuff, yknow? I can feel there's a glimpse of hope growing slowly. That alone already makes me feel slightly better. 

Contemplating

I so want to pass this exam on the first try because it will be pain in the butt if I don't do so. I have been saying this since october/november itself. But now I'm just not able to put myself together for this exam. The previous 2 exam I dragged so badly and alhamdulillah I made it through. This one, I don't know how I'm going to make it. Everything is just scattered and I can actually feel I'm going kinda insane. I don't know what to do, I don't want to talk about it to anyone because it feels like I'm ranting the same thing again and again and people can't relate or they're just sick of hearing the same thing. I keep letting down myself again and again, knowing that it's doing no good but I can't help it. I wanna cry but I can't cry anymore. I was crying watching some dramedy show and when I rewatch it the next day I've no feelings anymore. I think my heart has darkened. I'm trying to fix myself. I am. and I will.

Remember how we used to like ourselves?What little light that's left, we need to keep it sacredI know that you're afraid to let all the dark escape yaBut we could let the light illuminate these hopeless places

idle

I'm Not Okay

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
I don't know where to begin..

This clearly isn't the best time to write a post, considering I have exams next week and I barely read anything -- but I think I need to pen it down.

I wasn't sure what I was going through for the past couple of months. Heck, I am still unsure of it. I was having panic attacks and it was getting more frequent. I'd like to think I could manage things through but apparently I couldn't because it is still haunting me. As I write these down, I can feel such anxiety started to hover me. It's not even out for the world yet, and I already feel crappy.

I don't know what happened or triggered that made me this way but one thing for sure, I don't feel like the same person I was few months back. I'm starting to lose myself as days passed by and I was just living one day after another. I started to lose appetite, gained them back and lost it then it came back. Like a tennis ball being hit back and forth.

I spoke to few people about it, just the surface of it. Some asked whether I was stressed. I don't think I was, to be honest, because it all feels normal with no addition stress or whatsoever. I then realised that maybe certain things that happened before, was still lingering and I wasn't getting over them. It was buried deep inside and now it finally is eating me up. It didn't feel like a big of a deal or maybe I'm just in denial? I don't know, man.

Lately, there are so many people I care and love were sad, broken and just lost; I couldn't do anything to help and I just feel I am breaking too, inside.

When you think when you get older you'd figure things out and turns out - you can get lost along the way.

Devastation and Reform

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
Recently, I've posted an excerpt of a story of  my junior; on how she was battling her mental health. She's now willing to share her full story and trying to reach out to others that couldn't or afraid to seek help.

This is written by Sofea herself.

Hi there, I'm Sofea. I'd like to share my story regarding my mental health and I hope you would do something more about it to create awareness on it. Thank you. An NGO (Relate Malaysia) has actually shared this and it has made a huge impact to a lot of people. 

I've been suffering from depression for quite sometime. I'm diagnosed with mixed anxiety-major depressive disorder. I attempted suicide countless times to the point that I was actually rushed to the ER. I overdosed three times on my antidepressants, drank chemical and I've been cutting myself. It's a long story as to why i got depressed. To make it short, I've had a bad childhood past until now. Parents got divorced when I was 10. I have 10 siblings and my mum single handedly took care of us. I used to be physically, mentally and sexually abused. But I choose not to point names. 

Despite the sufferings I've been through as a kid, I was actually a very good student. I excelled in both academic and curricular activities. I even held a lot of important posts. I was that active. People always call me as the girl who always smiles, who's never angry and mean to anyone. But little did they know that I've been masking my sadness all along. No one ever knew about it. 

After SPM, my father decided to take care of me and so I went to JB and studied there for my foundation. My father works in JB. When I was in JB that I started suffering from depression. I'd like to keep the details as to why I got depressed. At that time I also just got a boyfriend who is now my fiancé. He's the first boyfriend I've ever had and I hope he'd be the last as well haha. He was the one who noticed that I've gotten gloomier and always crying. We've always skyped. Since he lives in KL and I was in JB at that time. He tried to help me by talking to my parents about it. And guess what? He got lashed out by mother. My mum scolded me too and said that he's a just a stranger and nobody needs to know about our family problems. I felt even worse after something happened. Again I can't tell you what it was. But it scarred me so badly. My family didn't believe and neglected that I was depressed and condemned me. They said "tu lah tak ingat tuhan, sebabtu takda arah. Sofea belajar je. Takyah nak depress. You have to score. You have to be a doctor". I was broken by then. Again, I repeat. I was abused physically, mentally and sexually. 

So after my foundation, I came back to KL to live with my mum again. Things were already awkward and I was always given the 'mean' treatment. I started to work at Petrosains then. Because I truly am passionate in science and my ambition is to be a doctor. I kinda healed a bit when I was working there because I was surrounded by positive people and I enjoyed what I did. 

Later on I furthered my study in Russia, doing medicine. Things happened in Russia that broke me even more. My fiancé's father passed away, my friends became distant towards me, I fell sick with an erosion and bleeding stomach. Just imagine I was already depressed at that time. That's when I truly felt empty. At that point of time, all I think of was death. I just wanted to die. I told my fiancé that every single day. Every single day I got very bad panic attacks which no one knew about it. I was all alone and empty. 

Then it was our summer break, I was so happy that I got to be back in Malaysia with my fiancé. He brought me to see a psychiatrist and from there I got some medications. During the session with the psychiatrist, the psychiatrist said I wasn't stable and unfit to go back to Russia in the meantime m. The doctor was afraid that I'd be worse and might not even heal. So whether I liked it or not, my fiancé and I had to tell my parents about it. About differing my studies, about me seeing a psychiatrist. My dad was calm but he insisted that I still had to go to Russia. My mum on the other hand went berserk. 

On the day of my flight, my mum created a scene and called everyone and said that I mengada and tak bersyukur and that my fiancé was the one who's influencing me. She didn't even want to salam me when I wanted to say goodbye. My fiancé was the one who was supposed to bring me to the airport. I was so empty and broken. That's when I overdosed on my antidepressants. My fiancé rushed me to the ER in PPUM. And you know what hurt me even more? One of the doctors said "you're a medical student but you're a mess". Wow. How kind of her. I want everyone to know that I'm not giving up on my dreams. I just need to take a break and heal first. Tu je yang orang tak faham. 

After I was discharged, my dad decided to take care of me and bring me back to JB. I actually didn't want to because it'd remind me of the past that happened in JB. Then, I decided to attempt suicide by overdosing again. I was then rushed to the hospital in JB. In the ward I overdosed again because I was really agitated by the environment and I just felt empty. I suffered from bad side effects. My vision became blurry, I couldn't walk, I fell unconsciously in the toilet. After that I was sent to the psychiatric ward. 

Being in a psychiatric ward for almost a week makes me realise a lot of things. When I was first admitted here, I was so scared and alone. Other patients suffer from schizophrenia, BMD, A.C psychosis and etc. Some are aggressive, some are 'crazy', some talk to themselves. Some are over friendly to the point i felt uncomfortable,some pestered me for my phone,some cried to me that they wanna go home.I was afraid. I witnessed some patients kena ikat, menjerit meraung. Some even managed to get out and bled all over the bed coz she took out her needles. My days had been filled with screaming from some patients. I feel afraid and pity at the same time.At first I didn't open up to anyone of them. But since I'm the youngest here, they all treat me like I'm their younger sister.Despite their troubled issues, mental illness and childish attitude, kena ikat dengan police and all, they're actually very kind deep within. I realised that when I had my first panic attack here in the ward, some of the 'crazy' patients came to me and tried to calm me down. They held me and helped me to lie down on my bed. They tucked me into bed. Then they called the nurse that I'm hurt. I felt so touched. Ever since that, whenever i had panic attacks, they'd do the same exact thing to me. And I then told myself to not call them crazy. I opened up to them as they opened up to me. Kesian sangat dengar cerita dorg. Yes I've gone through shit. But they have no one. 

Eventhough I still do feel scared & get panic attacks whenever i hear a sudden scream and all the gaduh between the patients, police & doctors, I now feel very sympathetic towards them. They have been kind to me.They gave me sweets, snacks everytime I breakdown.They'd stroke my hair. Everyday I pray to God that He will ease things for them. They deserve to be happy too. Eventho they're 'crazy', they never once hurt me. As a matter of fact, I feel like I've grown to love them. And when I'm discharged, I'm truly gonna miss them. As a matter of fact, I feel like I've grown to love them. And when I'm discharged, I'm truly gonna miss them. 

When I was having my session with some psychiatrists, one of the doctors said he sees and believes that one day I'll be an amazing person, a good doctor based on the session we had. I was so happy and touched. The doctors told me that I'm not at fault and I'm not a burden. They understand the struggles that I've been through. I want to emphasise, never underestimate the power of kind words.Some patients pleaded to me with so much tears, you have no idea how it broke my heart.

From someone who is suffering and is actually diagnosed with mixed anxiety-major depressive disorder, here's an advice : Please be kind and considerate. Be gentle with your words. Never condemn. Listen and understand. Help. Be nice. Be loving. No, I'm not seeking for attention. I just need this issue regarding mental illness to not be taken lightly. It could cost someone's lives. Remember, healing is a PROCESS.
No one heals in a nick of time. Some people heal and THEN FALL DOWN, get back up and fall again. It might even be on repeat. But then finally they get back up, STRONGER as ever.
Being in this psychiatric ward makes me realise that i want to make a change. I want mental illness to stop being stigmatised. The experience that I'm currently going through now makes me feel more motivated to be a help to others eventhough I myself am suffering. It took me a lot of guts to share this. I feel so happy that a lot of people have come to me and share their stories. Some even are already trying to seek help after knowing my story. You have no idea how happy I feel to make an impact to others. 

After my story has been spread widely on Twitter (my account is @eilyasofea), I've been getting a lot of response from people. Some are even seeking for professional help now. I'm happy that I made an impact in people's lives. I was from Convent Bukit Nanas and I held a lot of important posts. One of them is i was the International Understanding (IU) Director in interact club. I hosted an IU Day about 'Change' and the event was a huge success. We've got a lot of sponsors (some of them were DBKL, NMIT, CIMB, Nestle, Vitagen etc) and the total profit that we got was more than RM30k. Truly. Then we distributed the money to 5 homes (oku, aids, orang tua etc) and the balance was given to the school to renovate etc. I was only 17 at that time and I've created a huge success. Though I'm struggling with MADD right now, I still aspire to inspire people. I want to be a mental health advocate/doctor one day. I hope you'd read this and give me a response. If there is any voluntary work that I can do, feel free to contact me. I'd love to receive all the positivity that I can get. Thank you so much.  

Best regards, Sofea.