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it's been a while

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

Salam and hello.

First of all, alhamdulillah alaa kulli hal. I passed my exams even though right in my heart I know I don't deserve it if we were to measure upon efforts; but Allah is as merciful and loving as ever. I said before I wasn't able to concentrate but, He blessed me with love. On another note, my dark clouds parted and I feel better nowadays. I stopped having panic attacks for the time being and I can feel I am slowly 'healing'.

I still have the struggle to keep my emotions intact when it comes to empathy. Few friends are having deep issues and I feel I am breaking with them. I feel as if literally I was the one in their shoes. There are days I feel a little down but I honestly don't feel as dark as last month. I'm still unsure if this is a good thing or a bad thing?

Couple of days ago, I read mato's hiatus book and it breaks me as well. As I could relate most of his story and I couldn't get it out of my head. Not going to give any spoilers here, you just have to read it yourself. Another thing I was particularly keen of one of his tweets. He said, he actually refused to give advises to others nowadays as most of them will bite him back. Hard. That's what happened and happening to me. In the al-Quran in chapter 61 verse 2, Allah address to the mukminin, "why do you say what you do not do?" and I'm flowing with tears already. This isn't the first time I've heard of this verse yet I kept forgetting the essence of it. Apparently who I am today is the exact opposite of who was before. I'm not sure if I like this person I'm becoming to be. Heck, I'm not even sure what to feel. I'm just too numbed out, maybe?

I'm on my way to finding myself. Some soul searching stuff, yknow? I can feel there's a glimpse of hope growing slowly. That alone already makes me feel slightly better. 

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