some things change

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
And I’m not sure if this is for the better or worse.

I’ve becoming more and more silent, rather than speaking out loud my stand and choices. I’m trying to figure out the right way to say things but it turned out to be a silent at the end.

qowiyy!

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
feels I'm obliged to jot down a post, even though it truly has been ages since I last posted something. to be honest, I was quite surprised with my birthday gift to myself. haha. (note that, I scheduled that post in August for November 8th, so yeah)

I think it was really funny yet serious - funny because I actually used the term "ana" instead of "aku" but I understand, I was in the mood of that. but seriously though, I do not use the term with them here.

I've missed blogging.

I've missed it so bad, I actually write a long paragraph on my instagram posts with irrelevant photos.

I've missed having Ayah, Kakak commenting on my posts. yes, my friends too. it's just not the blogspot era anymore. people now digs something else I supposed. *roll eyes*

I've been through a lot, that I couldn't crammed every single thing in my memory space. but reading through the posts make me realised that I've been through a lot. I should be qowiyy (read : strong), right?

I'm in a midst of falling out of the line -- just because I am bored or keeping it all-together because that's the right thing to do.

to stay strong all the time,
I don't know how long I could keep this up.

I always feel that I want someone to complaint to, to tells my frustrations to, but no one could bear my frustrations well except for ayah. (k, gonna cry now) but he's not here now and I'm just stuck between my own self conscience and rebellious self. That's part of growing up, I supposed.

yes, it can be compensated. to tell your worries only to Him.
to hold on to Him and only Him.
to love Him entirely with your heart and soul.

I'm trying.
and I pray for steadfastness and lots of sabr.

cos I can feel that my heart out -- palpitation, and feels like about to blow up.

tak layak..

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
bila mana ana duduk bersama akhowat qowiy belaka, ana rasa ana tak layak pun menjadi sebahagian muayyid. ana pernah bertanya kepada murabbiah ana, apakah ciri-ciri seorang muayyid? bagaimana seseorang itu ditas'id kepada muayyid? maka murabbiah ana pun bercerita ciri-ciri nya begitu dan begini; ana fikir, mungkin murabbiah ana fikir ana bertanya kerana ana ingin mentas'id adik usrah ana, tapi hakikatnya, ana ingin tahu adakah ana mencapai ciri-ciri tersebut.

ada satu-dua ciri ana tak lepas, kalau difikirkan. tapi mungkin juga KPI mereka lepaskan je ana dengan harapan ana akan settle dengan ciri yang tak lepas tu. tapi, selalu sangat terfikir yang ana memang tak layak untuk semua ni..

ada juga hari yang ana pujuk diri sendiri, guna kata-kata hikmah murabbiah, berusahalah untuk menjadi yang terpilih. somehow Allah dah pilih ana dalam jalan ni, walaupun ana tahu ana tak layak langsung, tapi just work things out and make it worth of His choice.

rasa malu dan segan, sebab diri ana sememangnya tak layak bersama jemaah ini. tapi ana sangat inginkan bersama mereka, merasai biah solehah itu. i may not be the pearl of the ummah, tapi murabbiah sekali lagi meyakinkan, ana adalah antara yang terbaik pada tempat ini dan waktu ini untuk melangsungkan dakwah.

ana tak sabar untuk melaungkan dakwah secara terang, tanpa perasaan bimbang jahiliyah serta perangai ana sendiri menjadi fitnah kepada dakwah.

sungguhlah benar, ujian orang lain-lain.

doakan ana tsabat, dan istiqamah dalam jalan ini.


-written in August 2015, posted in November 2015, as a birthday present to myself. :)
semoga amal bertambah dan ikhlas menuju redhaNya, wahai diri.

Fav Surah

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
"What's your fav surah to read?" asked my friend.
"Hmm, al-a'laa I think." I answered.
•••••
The surah holds memories even though it's not related with its asbabul nuzul. The fav surah I've memorised when I was little and I went up to ayah and said, "guess which surah with 19 ayat I've memorised?" He went on like, "there are few surahs with 19 ayat. Why don't you tell me which?" And I happily recited that surah. Hehe.
Also I found out abang likes that surah too. (:
Whenever I read the surah I'll think of these two fav men in my life. 🌸

Tazkirah Sentap

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
Supposedly 8.30 i left the hostel to vokzal. Somehow after got out of the room i realised it's already 8.38. Waaaa? Obviously not gonna make it. But i tried anyway.
Got there, a russian uncle said," the train has left." "I know," i replied. "You should sleep less!" he said once more.
Pergh sentap haaabis!
Now wondering to myself;
Is this happening cos I didn't have the full heart of katibah/usrah? Allah hates my intention. Huuuu 😭
I feel so undeserve and useless, really. Sad not cos I miss the train. But sad cos I think Allah hates my intention.