Who I Am Hates Who I've Been.

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

I now think I'm starting to change again, and I'm thinking that this is a bad change. I just couldn't put myself together to avoid this change to happen, I didn't even see this coming but it happened. It started slow and now it became part of me. A part of me would like to believe that the good changes I did, was really abrupt, so that is why I'm changing back to my old-self. It could be true, but could be I'm just making excuses to make myself feel better?

I'm starting to feel like I'm turning into the most hypocrite person in the universe.

*dizzy*

I need air. I need You. I need Your love. =(

-

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

dari tadi cuba aku menelaah nota-nota biologi.

berapa peratus dapat serap dalam otak? aku rasa kurang dari 10%. silap-silap boleh jadi -10%.

*menghela nafas panjang*

aku sangat tak suka bila aku perlu belajar dan aku tak dapat nak belajar sebab dalam minda aku berpusing-pusing pasal sesuatu benda yang tak dapat aku selesaikan. benda yang tak penting pun waktu ni, tapi asyik aku fikirkan.

sudah aku bincang dengan sasa & minah. tapi masih lagi benda ni berlegar dalam kepala aku.

sudah puas aku suppress perkara ni supaya aku tak perlu fikir. sejak minggu lalu lagi. sebabnya aku tahu minggu ni dan minggu depan aku ada major test.

tapi sekarang?

it's all out. i feel that it's suffocating me. aku lemas. l e m a s !

ada ke mior kata masalah bf? *gelak terguling-guling*

lawaklah kau, mior.

alangkah bagusnya kalau kawan baik aku berjaga waktu ni. aku sms tapi takde respon. ketara lah dia sedang dibuai mimpi.

:|

*menghela nafas*

selain kawan, aku ada Dia untuk menenangkan fikiran aku.

syukur.

setelah 20 minit, fikiran aku waras sedikit.

ok biologi, masuk! masuk!

bismillah.

:)

force.

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

i dont know how, i dont know where to start.

ok. force. i'm not gonna speak in terms of physics or whatnot. this is about, memaksa. paksaan. forcing to do something.

ok, force is good at times, it gives us a push to do something (good) that initially we don't want, and have benefits out of it.

i do admit, sometimes i need a good push (force) to do something because i'm too lazy, none of the words in the world can describe my laziness. but at other times, i just feel like, "it's too much".

bear in mind, i'm a human. i have my patience limits, i have conscience, i have a heart. ok, the point is, i'm a HUMAN.

i don't like it when people forcing me to do something i don't like (let it be good or bad) and when i insist on not doing it, they make me feel guilty for doing so. W H A T ?!

i easily feel guilt out of things, and after analysing my own behaviour, i usually feel guilty out of stupid things. (some might say it's not stupid)

so i usually ended up doing the things i don't like because i just want you to stop talking about it or i just want to end my guilt. are you satisfied? you've succeed making me doing things i don't want, without my own will.

on the note of doing good things :
"mula-mula rasa terpaksa, tapi dah lama-lama baru rasa ok dan akan suka sendiri".
true. i don't deny this. it has happened to me. it takes time, and i actually thank the person who gives me the push on this matter. certain things, dear, certain things.

i have friends who doesn't like to be forced to do things so i understand how they feel. i tend not to force anyone to do anything they don't like, even though that might be a wrong thing to do at that time. they should come to sense by themselves, by our help. not by forcing them or anything.

sigh.

i just think that there's other ways to make someone to do things, without forcing anyone (directly anyway) and makes them feel guilty.

i just don't like it when you did this to me. i didn't see that coming, i just didn't think you'd do such things. maybe you're just doing your part of the job.

fyi, it kills me when i get the texts. first i feel guilty, after a few texts i feel annoyed and when there's more texts i just feel fed up. it feels like you don't understand me. and this has sadden me. i don't hate you, i just hate what you've done. can't really blame you.

i have thought about it, maybe i did have a change of heart, and maybe i start to act differently now and this has worries you, but that was not the way to make me feel better. it might just scare me away, didn't you think of that?

yeah, thought so.

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
yeah, dah masuk tahun kelima aku disentuh mak cik tarbiyah dan mak cik hidayah. sudah pun kononnya menjadi murabbiyah. tapi, adakah aku seorang murabbiyah?

yes, jalan dakwah dan tarbiyyah sangat panjang dan sangatlah payah. takkan ada adik mutarabbi yang senang trang-tang-tang gembira datang ke halaqah/usrah tanpa maslahatan diri. tapi recently aku asyik tanya diri, kenapa aku tak mampu menjadi seorang murabbiyah seperti mana murabbiyah itu ke atas aku?

aku rasa aku seorang murabbiyah yang gagal.
gagal memberikan semangat kepada mutarabbi.
gagal melaksanakan perintah Allah dengan istiqamah
gagal menyentuh hati mad'u di luar sana
gagal memberikan qudwah hasanah yang baik
gagal dalam pelajaran dunia
gagal juga dalam pelajaran akhirat, hadis dan hafazan dah ke mana..

aku cemburu dengan antunna yang bagaikan malaikat berjalan di bumi
yang mampu memikul tanggungjawab dakwah bagaikan mengangkat beg galas dan berlari ke sekolah
(ok, contoh yang sangat pelik)
yang mampu ikhlaskan hati hingga terpancar pada amal dan akhlaqnya.

aku rindukan biah solehah itu.
aku tahu aku lah yang perlu hidupkan hari-hari itu.
aku tahu aku lah yang perlu menggerakkan semua itu

tapi, ikhlas kah hatiku?

semua yangku lakukan -- inginkan 'likes' dan pujian semata kah?
tatkala beri nasihat
tatkala menulis status
tatkala memberi taujih

ikhlaskah daku?

kenapa senang sangat frust bila apa yang ku harapkan tidak menjadi?
kenapa senang down bila adik mula lari?
kenapa senang kecewa bila nasihat tak sampai ke hati?
kenapa rasa banyak kekurangan diri?

ikhlaskah daku?

ini ujian Allah.
Allah inginkan usahaku.
Allah rindu rintihanku
Allah mahu doaku
yang selalu menjagaku.

sia-sia amal tanpa ikhlas.
sia-sia ilmu tanpa amal.
sia-sia tak menuntut ilmu.

031214,
2:05AM