Welcome back, fiend.

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
I realised I needed a professional help when my trigger gets worse. Yes, i recognised my trigger. Before this I was in denial about it and then I have came to term that it was definitely a trigger for me. I usually have to be in contact of that trigger - before this it needs several times to happen but now no more. All it takes was for me to hear the sentence and I'll drive myself nuts.

My trigger has gone worse. Which means I wasn't even handling it as I thought I did. I was bottling up till I can't anymore. Last couple of weeks I went straight to zombie mode. No one really knew about it. I tried to keep it low. Till I had to tell my boss because she noticed that I've been delaying some tasks which is unusual for me. I didn't want to tell her because I don't want her to treat me differently but it's unfair if I chose to keep it a secret. She has the right to know as I was putting my tasks aside when it should have been done in the first place. I didn't go into much details, but she understood and adviced to take a time off.

I love my job, it kept me sane all these months. I might be the only one who loves it as much, lol. So when I couldn't get my tasks done, I was in a self loathe state for doing so. Like, why am I too messed up to do some simple tasks? (Yes it was hella simple but I was avoiding it) so that pretty much messed me up even more.

I finally seek a professional help and alhamdulillah it was a good experience. It makes me feel that there is still hope for me to recover. What frustrate me initially was, I knew what was going on and what to do but I can't bring myself to do it. Like, I know I need to get my thinking clear and free from pain, but.. I feel like I'm not strong enough to do so, especially when I am alone in this journey.

Next week will be my second visit and hopefully I will have good progress. I'm tired of seeking stuff to distract myself from this feeling. I'm sad that I can't feel truly happy whenever I should feel joy. I need to be able to recognise my feeling and control my emotions whenever I'm near my trigger.

Maybe I will, someday. 

Moving On

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

I was reading couple of books - Dale Carnigie's (how to stop worry and start living) and Muharikah's (hidup yang aku pilih) Haven't finish them, I jumped one book to another. I got to say, they are helping me a lot.

Few days back I had some breakdown (as always, almost every breakdown is written here) and along that week I read their books. Basically the gist of the books are, no matter where you are in life right now, something is going to go wrong or something that you're not gonna like will happened. The difference is either you going to worry too much or will do something about it.

Yes, I worry too much. Where am I going to live? I am broke and I am living in a debt. I don't have a stable job, and when I do get a stable job - can I survive that hell hole? I have no control in my financial state. I have to take care of myself but everything is so darn expensive out there. I'm so weak physically, mentally and emotionally.. How am I going to survive? 

The thing is, I always feel my life is so pathetic and sad so there are days I spent weeping about it when the fact that I should be doing something to change it. Yes, I can't change the situation as a whole but I can change my mindset and be better about it. When I worry less, the clearer I see to handle the situation.

If I'm going to spend my days worrying about the unseen future, I will die of my own emotions and fear. So, I'm just going to live my days as it is, the best I can, take things at a time. Slow and steady. I should stop comparing my life with others as my life isn't like any other. I should stop taking things too seriously and just live life. I should be able to survive, insyaAllah by His Grace.

It is scary out there, and I feel like I got no one else with me. But it's okay. I know He will protect me and take cares of me; like He is doing now and every day.

insyaAllah.

Move Along

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
Feels the need to write since the last 2 posts are so depressing. I've been alright. Surprisingly so good these couple of weeks. Good doesn't mean I didn't ended up crying and hugging my brother -- but good as in I can move on from that 'storm' phase and live life.

There are so many things that I need to do, I can't focus on the things that's holding me back. I can't keep torment my mind about the things I couldn't do, so I just move on and do the things that I can do instead.

Few highlights since the storm in no particular order, good or bad :
- raya was awful for me.
- I went to work more in July and met with the boys and girls. They definitely takes some edges off of me.
- I went for IMARET mission for orang asli. wasn't reaaaally hyped up as I don't get hyped up about stuff but it felt so good to be able to join. I know I didn't do much but it was so awesome! I wanna go again :D
- my spectacles broke. wuuu T.T so I started wearing lens while scouting places to make cheap spectacles. as I need to pay for my own, sigh.
- I get to meet the people behind IMAM. which is awesome and inspiring
- went for Nouman Ali Khan talk with my lubov. it was so gooood
- went for usrah with the girls. talked about real life issues. I love this.
- spend time with my best friends. :)
- got a lot of self-hate one of the days. because I feel so stupid for letting someone does bad things to me. sigh
- went for medicorp course. it was a one week before decision as I feel the need to learn stuff and distract myself with something useful.
- hang out with friends and juniors who came home for summer break. they're nice :)

So in conclusion, life isn't bad if you choose to do something good in it. I broke down a little last night - hormonal stuff, I hate this - but I was all good afterwards. I just need time to collect myself, to do the right thing with an open heart.

You see, doing the right thing isn't as easy nowadays. Because of the feel of you're like shit and you wanna protect yourself from being hurt again. But then again, at the end of the day, the right thing is still the right thing to do. I just need to convinced my heart to be cool with it, with no negative emotional attachment.

Somehow, this blog ended up as letters to myself.

Hence, dear self, hang in there. Cry if you need to, talk to the ones you love -- and you will feel better and be able to do the right thing. :)

-

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
How do I even put these in words?

Yesterday I asked advise for heartbroken via WhatsApp status.

One said to eliminate the cause.

But what if I can't eliminate the cause because they're family? Trust me I am now so confused and lost. I can't just leave family. From psychological aspects, yes I'd be down to leave toxic aura even when it's family. But from responsibility and religion aspects, I can't.

What should I do? I don't know.

I feel so guilty not be able to do what's right but when I tried doing so, I ended up hurting so bad that I don't wanna go anywhere. I don't wanna do anything.

Another said do whatever I'm happy with. That's the thing. I can't recall myself when's the last time I was happy. I don't know what makes me happy. The things I used to like, I don't like them anymore.

My heart hurts, my head hurts - migraine keeps coming, my stomach hurts. Everything seems to hurt..

It's all messed up.

I'm messed up.

I just feel so helpless and hopeless.

When will the storm pass?

It's hard

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
Today after work we spoke as usual, talked about random stuff. When it gets a little bit personal, I can feel like I was going to have a breakdown.

True enough, I teared in the car.

I looked away. I don't wanna cry in front on him. It's just too awkward and weird. Oh my God, I felt the journey to LRT feels forever. At times like this lah the traffic light turns red. Adoii.

We both kept silence. It was a deafening silence. He turned on the radio to ease the awkwardness.

"Sya jenis pendam eh?"

I kept quiet.

"Takpe lah, nangis je kalau nak"

"Sorry," suara bergegar, antara dengar atau tidak. My tears fell even faster.

When we finally arrived;

"Thank you," I said, looking away.

"Take care."

I can't even look at him when I got down to say thanks. I feel so heavy in my chest. I feel like all the words are churning inside of me, not able to escape my mouth. It's slowly eating me alive.

It's been couple of times these 'meltdown' happened and usually either I was alone or I'm in the LRT or in the Grab. Never in front of someone I know.

Honestly, it's hard. It's hard to put into words with what I'm feeling. It's hard to stay positive when I'm all about negative. It's hard because I honestly feel I have no one to talk to; or at least no one I want to talk to.

Whatever it is, I hope this will pass.

Every storm shall pass..