Welcome back, fiend.

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
I realised I needed a professional help when my trigger gets worse. Yes, i recognised my trigger. Before this I was in denial about it and then I have came to term that it was definitely a trigger for me. I usually have to be in contact of that trigger - before this it needs several times to happen but now no more. All it takes was for me to hear the sentence and I'll drive myself nuts.

My trigger has gone worse. Which means I wasn't even handling it as I thought I did. I was bottling up till I can't anymore. Last couple of weeks I went straight to zombie mode. No one really knew about it. I tried to keep it low. Till I had to tell my boss because she noticed that I've been delaying some tasks which is unusual for me. I didn't want to tell her because I don't want her to treat me differently but it's unfair if I chose to keep it a secret. She has the right to know as I was putting my tasks aside when it should have been done in the first place. I didn't go into much details, but she understood and adviced to take a time off.

I love my job, it kept me sane all these months. I might be the only one who loves it as much, lol. So when I couldn't get my tasks done, I was in a self loathe state for doing so. Like, why am I too messed up to do some simple tasks? (Yes it was hella simple but I was avoiding it) so that pretty much messed me up even more.

I finally seek a professional help and alhamdulillah it was a good experience. It makes me feel that there is still hope for me to recover. What frustrate me initially was, I knew what was going on and what to do but I can't bring myself to do it. Like, I know I need to get my thinking clear and free from pain, but.. I feel like I'm not strong enough to do so, especially when I am alone in this journey.

Next week will be my second visit and hopefully I will have good progress. I'm tired of seeking stuff to distract myself from this feeling. I'm sad that I can't feel truly happy whenever I should feel joy. I need to be able to recognise my feeling and control my emotions whenever I'm near my trigger.

Maybe I will, someday.