Lifted

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

I've been meaning to write this past couple of days.

It's unexplainable how the dark clouds parted and I am more at ease now. Looking back to what I wrote, I can't imagine myself in that situation, feeling those feelings. But it happened and now I can say I'm 'lifted'

About a week ago, I had one of those unpleasant episodes and I found myself having no one to talk to - or at least that was what I thought. I disconnect myself from mainstream socmed (read : instagram) as I feel it's building up unnecessary tension in me. I took some time to rethink the decision made, whether it was based on solely emotions or a need to get myself out of from the unhealthy situation.

 I also took some time to reach out to a friend, whom I occasionally go to for some advises. At the time it was hard, explaining on how I feel and the situation I was in, because I can't tell them without having my tears rolling down my cheek. I didn't wanna talk, so I texted instead, which helped a lot to deliver the story. To be honest this was like the 8th person I vent on my situation and I wasn't told anything new. I was told something I've heard of  from someone else before but amazingly, by His grace I supposed, I absolutely feel lifted the day after. I went on Youtube to find some self-help tips and recalculate my situation. That's when I was sure it was a right thing to disconnect with socmed. I started to feel much lighter, less bitter about the whole situation.

It turns out, when you feel you're wronged by someone, it eats you up so bad that whatever comes after that you can't move forward. You're stuck. Yeah, tell me about it. So in order to move forward, you need to acknowledge that whatever happened has happened and you need to let it go. Easier said than done, I'd say that. Took me forever to finally let things go, be at ease and to face come whatever may. Even when you are wronged, the best thing is to improve on how not to get into that same situation again. In my case, I felt like I'm always being lied to and always been given fake promises. I have to acknowledge that things changes. People changes. Situation changes. Nothing in this world is permanent. The only one that is solely will never let you down is God. No matter how close you are with someone, at the end of the day, everyone is for themselves. So, stop expecting from people more and just be the better person and not to do that to others. I've known someone that always try (and most of the time succeed) to compose himself whenever he's in a situation, be rational about it and try to solve it in the best way. I truly envy that, because I feel that's what I'm lacking off. I'm always too caught up with emotions that whenever I feel wronged, ALL the unpleasant memory will flow as well. I'm learning to compose myself, evaluate the situation and deal with it calmly.

When I met up with my new naqibah here and we just taaruf, talked about my background a little. When we met up for the liqa' with others, she reminded me of the things I used to really love and fought hard for. She reminded me of the love I used to hold dearly close to my heart that now is nowhere to be seen nor felt. The love for Him and His blessings. On the way home I told her what was going on with me, well knowing I was oversharing but I need her to know what kind of situation I was/am into so she'll know what to do. She said, God has plans for us all. We may not know the blessing yet but He knows it all. He's preparing me for bigger things in life. To which I said, I knew that and when whatever happened to me, it was so difficult to grasp that idea and understand the concept. When we caught up with emotions and feelings and what-not, every single thing became cloudy. Yes, we are humans after all. Seriously, she feels like a Godsend to me.

For now, I aimed to put less expectations on others, but try to do my best in everything. Be it relationships with family and friends, my work (Oh yes, I'm an intern of IMAM for now) my tarbiyah journey, my medical knowledge, and whatever that I can get opportunities to give back to others for Him.

Well, once a while I'd have my down moments juga la. A single hurtful text could really bring me down. I told myself, it's okay to feel hurt and sad, cry je lah if I want to, but make sure not to give other people the chance to doubt me. Means I have to try my best to rectify my situation. If it still fails, I've tried and God knows. biarlah Allah je kira. Effort tu, Allah tahu. It doesn't matter if other people don't wanna acknowledge that. I know God and I value my efforts and myself.

Alaa kulli hal, Alhamdulillah for all these things, alhamdulillah for everything. For all the wrongs I've done, I hope and pray that God can and will forgive me. I pray He won't forsake me and let me down to the wrong path. May all of us always be guided and granted patience for this world.

:)

Deep and Meaningless

I think I need to pen this down.

I need to.

---

I've never thought it will come to a point that you pushed me away this far. Avoiding my calls and texts. Even if when we talked over the phone, you always tell about superficial things. You even lied to me, and trying to convinced me to believe it. Knowing that you're lying to me hurts. I don't know how but I just know. I wanna talk and solve the real issue here but you refuse to see it as an issue. I tried to talk about it and you turned the table to me. It was always my fault. I gave you chances to make it up, but you threw it on my face with another lies.

I never talk about this because talking about it doesn't help at all. All these years I was in Russia, escaping the harsh reality that's falling upon me now. Even then, I didn't think it's gonna be this bad. Every day I think of the things I could change so it wouldn't turn this way but you know what? It won't matter anyway because I am destined for this life. Destined to be with people who wouldn't try to understand me. Destined to get stuck in this emotional roller-coaster. I tried to hold it in, I know other people who had it worse. I tried. and I'm at a point that I'm sick of trying. All these years away from home I tried to change the way I think, I thought I was the problem, that's why people treat me this way. I tried to make excuses for you. but now I'm sick of it. I'm sick of everything. I'm shutting myself from everyone, everything. I can't trust anyone anymore. At the end of the day, I will only have myself to go through this shit.

So, thank you.

Thank you for showing that love isn't bounded by blood at all.

Thank you for showing that love isn't about understanding and tolerance. 

Thank you for pushing me to the edge so I will learn the real meaning of life.

I'm not the kind of person that rants on social media but I did posted something on my insta story for close friends. Only 3 people asked what was up / if I'm okay -- others just commented on how I met the MOH. Lol. One of them asked me face to face while we were in the car and I almost broke down at that moment. Luckily it was a short drive, or else he'd have to face with a mental breakdown me. 

So, note to self : don't post things like that anymore.

tell me how

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
I almost forgot I still have this blog. I rarely update; the last I wrote was last year and yeah that's pretty much eons ago.

So, what's new since then?

I stopped having eating disorder last september and thanks to zhar pizza, I've gained back those weights I've lost. No regrets, I love eating. I had some few rough patches here and there; not sure for worse or better but it happened. (honestly I think it's for the worse) oh yeah, I graduated. Yeah, that's pretty much sums up last 9 months.

I'm going back home for good in a week plus and I'm absolutely terrified. I've been here for almost 9 and a half years and I don't think I'd know how to live back at home. I always feel out of place whenever I'm home for the summer break and I was always glad and excited to be here. I haven't actually got a grasp on the idea yet but I know it's happening and I know I'm nowhere near ready. I'll need time to adjust myself back and knowing what's in store for me just makes me so worried and scared.

For some reason, I've becoming more and more cold towards people around me for I feel tired to please them. I'm no people-pleaser type of person but I hate to make things uncomfortable for others. I try to accommodate when I can -- because I know I'm okay with anything. It was always going someone's way rather than mine some things because I was okay with it. Recent months, I stopped to care altogether. I just think it's wearing me down so much I won't bother to try anymore -- especially when I know you're not gonna do the same for me or you're not worth it. Somehow I became bitter about most things. I slowly excused myself from non-worth friendship and let it just be a platonic one where we can say 'hi' and talk about the weather but nothing too personal. I shut myself down from most people. Come to think of it, it's kinda sad that most people don't really know me but then again that's my own doing. I don't let people in.

Well, yeah. If you're not worth the time and effort, I won't let you in. I can just tell about some personal stuff but that doesn't mean we're tight. I don't trust anyone easily. I keep things to myself most of the time for that specific reason. Some days when it hurts so bad, so so bad that I can't feel anything else but pain. It was too painful and there were the days I feel like just killing myself so the pain would stop. Alhamdulillah I wasn't that insane. Whenever I have those days I'll stop seeing everyone. I just sit at home and avoid everyone. I tried and forced myself to go to class but it was too overwhelming that I couldn't take it. Even when I was already in the class I'll just take my stuff and leave immediately when it gets bad. Yes, I have quite a lot of otrabotka for the final semester by doing that.

I was slowly losing hope on everything. I felt that I trusted the wrong person. I felt betrayed and I just can't handle people lying to my face; especially those who supposed to care about me. That's the thing with expectation on people. They'll ruin you, slowly and deadly.

I started (or more like, continued) to abuse myself in some ways. I purposely did the things I know I shouldn't be doing because I felt like nothing matters. Nothing. I was thinking, "everything effed up  anyway, why not ruined it all the way?"

No matter how hard I try to get people to understand what I was feeling and am feeling, I'm the only that truly knows and understands. So, there's no point of telling, right?

So tell me how.

eating disorder

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

To those who knew me, this will be something impossible to happened. Even when I was hospitalized for my surgery my appetite didn't affected at all. I'm a girl who loves food and loves to eat. 

Couple of post back I've mentioned of losing my appetite every now and then. Last month, the situation got worse a little. I've gotten sick of food even when I'm supposedly famished. I felt nauseated after having few bites and was struggling to keep them in and not to throw up. There was once the girls came over and we had dinner together in a tray. I wanted to eat so I forced myself a little (also felt guilty cos she cooked for us) but I couldn't. I ended up crying later because I was so disappointed. 2 weeks of these, I've started to lose weight. It's not something I should be proud of because it's a freaking eating disorder. I got sad for a while but determined to eat better.

There are days I've eaten well whenever I'm with the girls. It came to a point that whenever I didn't feel nauseated I'd eat as much as I can - thinking I'll be compensating what I've lost. Turned out I've lose weight after another 2 weeks. I started to feel stressed out because of this. There was one day in class I had panic attack just because I couldn't bring myself to finish a snickers bar when the day before I barely ate. Some days I'd just fast because that's easier to be done than eating. At least there are some pahala for fasting, right?

I was open about this matter with few of my close friends. They encouraged me to eat. Some even tried to spoon fed me. (Yes it was that bad) and they were the victims whenever I couldn't finish my food, I'd asked them to finish it. 😏 But yes they are gems. They even suggested to eat spicy food so that my appetite will grow. It helps once in a while. I low-key worried of my gastric linings as I have had history of gastritis.

Come to think of it, this isn't the first time it's happening but it's the longest run so far. It happened earlier this year (when I posted here) and at that time I turned to this one friend and told her about this and guess what she said? "It's really good that you're losing weight". Look, I know I could have been needing the weight lost but this isn't what I'm looking for. It's depressing to have this because it's something that is not healthy. I didn't work out or anything. It's not good. So I stopped talking to her about this. She's still my friend, of course. But I just don't tell her about this matter anymore.

It also came to a point that I'd find it's offensive if someone said I look like I've lost weight. To which I'd reply no, I'm the same. The other day my friend was in a mood to buy food for me to which I ended up eating 1/3 of it; I asked him to finish it and he said jokingly "are you on a diet?" And i was super offended 😂 I just smiled and said the food is not nice.

Nowadays it's nothing to be worry much because it's the month of Ramadhan so I'll be fasting happily. I don't feel like checking my weight because I'm scared to know. I hope this shall pass! It's gonna be 2 months soon. Wait. It passed 2 months. Damn. 

unexpected

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

when we were having oncology cycle last week; as usual, we were given questions to answer about certain topics. that one particular day topic was lymphoma. when i got to know, my mind started to wander. it reminded me the day when ayah emailed me his biopsy results after he had his inguinal lymph node remove. it was angioblastic lymphoma. with a very poor connection on my phone, i went and search for that email. i wanted to read the reports once more. i wasn't sure why, but i wanted to. i went through such trouble because my phone data was dead so i had to wait till the class ended so i could search for better connection. once i read it, i was frozen. this isn't the first time i read the report, so what gives? i threw my phone on my lap, i sat down at the couch, still froze.

"akak okay ke kak?" my groupmate asked.

i kept quite, just stared blankly

"kenapa kak? akak ok tak ni?" he asked again.

"yeah im okay." i answered swiftly without moving my head.

he and the rest of them wore their jackets and bid me goodbye. i was supposed to wait for my friend to finish her class anyway, so i just sat down and stare at my phone. suddenly, i broke into tears. it was really pouring like a broken dam. i had no idea where all of these came from. i couldn't stop crying for minutes. i couldn't understand why i was crying though. not PMS for sure, too early for my cycle. it wasn't a brand new info; i've always known what was ayah's diagnose. but why it got to me real bad? why it was so painful and unbearable?

i texted my brother and of course, he just replied with an emoji. (busy lah tu, hmph *rolls eyes*) after i finally had my cool, my friend told me she just finished her class and on her way down. i composed myself and walked with her to the bus stop.

"akak selsema ke nangis" she asked casually

"nangis" i muttered. i really had no mood to beat around the bush now.

"ada masalah dengan anyone ke?"

"nope" 

then we went on talking about other things. out of the blue;

"tau dah kenapa akak nangis. masalah dalaman kan?" she brought up the topic once more

"hm not really. do you really wanna know why i cried?" she nodded yes to that. 

so i told her what happened and teared again. i felt that if i didn't explain, she's just gonna keep wondering why. then we dropped the topic. we went to the stores with the other girls, shopped, laughed and all. i thought i was going to be alright.

i was dead wrong.

i went home, distract myself with some video and what-not. suddenly broke into tears again. i was not in the mood at all. whoever texted me for favours were declined and rejected. just when i thought i've pulled myself together and tried to do my work, i couldn't do a thing. i wasn't even feeling alive. all the wrong and uncanny thoughts crossed in my mind. i wanted to do the most unspeakable things. i just wanted the pain go away. it was frustrating when i felt that my prayers don't calm me at that moment.

i couldn't bring myself to go to class. even when it was the final class and yeah it was important to attend it. i couldn't care less. i just wanna sleep so that i won't have to deal with the pain. it was so unbearable, then it became all numbed out. when afeq told me her kitten died, i had no feelings left anymore. i do feel obliged to feel sorry so i told her that but deep inside i was like, meh.

in the evening i decided to take a walk in the park. there is a park nearby my house but i only like that one particular park. i sat there, for God knows how long, and just cry. talked myself some sense and when i was finally done, i composed myself and went to get things done. things that needed to be done.

i went home. i thought it was all alright. when a friend asked what happened, i told him and broke down in tears again. but it was a short brief amount of time so i guess i was healing already.

it's funny. when you think you've got all your shit together but in reality it seems that they were just buried somewhere and just waiting the time to burst. honestly, this past year has never been so depressing for me. i am wondering if it means that all these while i wasn't dealing with them very well, i was just burying them and now one by one coming out to haunt me. great.