Deep and Meaningless

I think I need to pen this down.

I need to.

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I've never thought it will come to a point that you pushed me away this far. Avoiding my calls and texts. Even if when we talked over the phone, you always tell about superficial things. You even lied to me, and trying to convinced me to believe it. Knowing that you're lying to me hurts. I don't know how but I just know. I wanna talk and solve the real issue here but you refuse to see it as an issue. I tried to talk about it and you turned the table to me. It was always my fault. I gave you chances to make it up, but you threw it on my face with another lies.

I never talk about this because talking about it doesn't help at all. All these years I was in Russia, escaping the harsh reality that's falling upon me now. Even then, I didn't think it's gonna be this bad. Every day I think of the things I could change so it wouldn't turn this way but you know what? It won't matter anyway because I am destined for this life. Destined to be with people who wouldn't try to understand me. Destined to get stuck in this emotional roller-coaster. I tried to hold it in, I know other people who had it worse. I tried. and I'm at a point that I'm sick of trying. All these years away from home I tried to change the way I think, I thought I was the problem, that's why people treat me this way. I tried to make excuses for you. but now I'm sick of it. I'm sick of everything. I'm shutting myself from everyone, everything. I can't trust anyone anymore. At the end of the day, I will only have myself to go through this shit.

So, thank you.

Thank you for showing that love isn't bounded by blood at all.

Thank you for showing that love isn't about understanding and tolerance. 

Thank you for pushing me to the edge so I will learn the real meaning of life.

I'm not the kind of person that rants on social media but I did posted something on my insta story for close friends. Only 3 people asked what was up / if I'm okay -- others just commented on how I met the MOH. Lol. One of them asked me face to face while we were in the car and I almost broke down at that moment. Luckily it was a short drive, or else he'd have to face with a mental breakdown me. 

So, note to self : don't post things like that anymore.