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between you and me.



In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.


I sometimes hate dislike when someone said "You're more matured than you age".
Whaaat?
Tak faham macamana process maturation ini berlaku. [gelak sinis]
Adakah ianya seperti maturation of cell? [okay, lost]
I mean, tak faham macamana aku boleh jadi macam ni sedangkan aku anak bongsu.
Yes, the last of the last. I'm an adik. Aku manja. [menurut abangku dan kakakku ya] dan aku tak pernah duduk hostel / asrama. Tak pernah berjauhan dengan mama & ayah dan dikira duduk bawah ketiak mereka lama jugak la.

Macamana weh process tu berlaku? Kalau tau, boleh sikit share dengan orang. Supaya they act mature juga. Hahaha.

Bah, seriously. Kenapa juga mau begini kan? [err, sila hilangkan slang sabahan anda]

Takde la. Tak paham jugak kenapa aku boleh mature thinking ni sedangkan aku nak sangat act like a kiddo, care-free dan trouble  maker tapi tak boleh! cis. Teori pertama aku adalah, aku berkawan dengan orang mature or bajet dia mature [tapi dia memang mature pun] *batukkeringbatukbatukCikDanaveebatukbatukkk* Naaa kan! Told ya.

Untuk umur macam aku, aku tak sepatutnya jadi macam mak orang. Membebel macam mama2 kata mereka. Haha.

Mature konon. ptuih. [ala-ala panglima pwtc]

Masalah sendiri tak pandai settle!

First of all;
Aku memang okay dengan orang, insyaAllah, asalkan orang okay je dengan aku. Sampaikan orang gelar aku hypocrite sebab aku boleh terima & berbincang dengan lain2 orang with lain2 pendapat. Aku jenis tak kisah jugak kau macamana dengan aku. Nak gelak ketawa, nak nangis, nak kongsi rahsia, nak ajak komplot buat surprise, sumpah aku tak kisah. Aku takde lah jenis yang buat semua orang rasa aku best friend dia, tapi aku just okay [baca : hanya okay, tak teruk, takdelah great] with everyone.

TAPI;
Aku jenis yang tak boleh sebenarnya dikongkong. In a sense that, do not cling on me 24/7 or else sumpah aku rimas. And that is why I never used DiGi! [gelak joke sendiri] Aku bukannya kejam or whatever tapi aku tak pernah cling to anyone sangat rapat sampai 24/7 melekat bersama. There's must be ME time. I need my human time. [ayat ala-ala Bella Swan; okay, Twilight readers je paham] Before this takde siapa pernah langgar etika ini until recently.

Bukan tak nak kawan, tapi berpada-pada. I know we used to be close tapi recently, after summer this year, it's not a mutual thing anymore. Okay, silap sendiri sebab dulu tak pernah cakap apa-apa dan aku sekarang pun tak cakap apa-apa, setakat lari je dari mereply message or whatever tapi truth to be told aku memang malas reply sms + whatsapp. Keyboard hp sekarang tak selesa dulu. Eh. cakap pasal apa tadi? Oh ye. Senang cakap : dulu lain, sekarang lain. Ada la beberapa masa yang aku try dan try to be okay with it tapi aku memang tak okay with it. Nak kata ada masalah macam takde. Tak tahu apa masalah dia? Mungkin masalah dia adalah aku sendiri. Jengjengjeng. Yeah sure, boleh kawan. Tapi tak macam dulu. I don't see we will ever be macam dulu.

Yang lagi sorang, entah. Sudah dikata jangan, tapi tu juga dibuat. Payah.

Ada certain masa aku tak merajuk / marah pun. Tapi buat-buat marah / merajuk. Sebab? Entah. Habit? It's actually main-main je tapi dah the person can't tell the difference. Biar je la.

Oh, I need to slow down my sarcasm. Orang tak paham + orang terasa + orang fikir aku jahat + aku hypocrite.

Hah. Dunia.





what does not kill me, can it really make me stronger?


In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.


when we pray, we always ask God to lessen our burden, to ease our pain, to smooth any of our plans, etc.

me? I ask Him to make me stronger. the thing is, when we ask God to make us stronger, He didn't just make us stronger just like that. *chiiiing* << (failed magic sound) but no, no magic or whatsoever. He'd put us to test, so we can try to make ourselves stronger.

get it?

I've always wanna be stronger (read : tabah) because I was always and am always so weak and I couldn't pull myself through. even though most of the times I put on a brave face, I've always feel like running and screaming the top of my lungs out.

so, there it goes. I was tested to be stronger and I failed. badly. I brawled. disaster it was.

T.T

I can give advises to other on how to be stronger and I myself can't pull it through. even when my friend said I am strong, it's just I didn't realised it, I feel like, nah, if I'm strong enough I wouldn't be like this.

80% of the time I ran from my own problems, which are not really much of a big problems, really, but to me it was HUGE because I can't get over it. solution? back to God. it's a sign, it's His sign. if I feel like I have problems that as big as the world, I must've been missing in action in God's path. *shivers* what have I been doing?

few days back I was tempted to do something no-good and there I was, crumbled and did it anyway. not to humiliate myself or what-so-ever, my point here is, I was that weak! and now I feel like slapping myself for good. I can't seem to realise things any sooner, eh? annoyingnya kau, syahaneez! -_-"

now I hate myself for doing so more than ever.

that's it. just one solution, with many ways to do it. back to God. back to Quran.

ohmyrabb.

if only I would listen to myself when I give myself an advice. if only.

on a side note, happy birthday ayahku. we've always had that somewhat special connection that I can't never understand. may Allah bless and hope we'll be together in jannah. together with mama. ^^ I love you. I did bake something but I've always failed on the deco. it's choc cake btw. yes, yes, I owe you a cheese cake when I'm back. I know I'm always missing in action, never really call or whatsoever, but insyaAllah you and mama always in my prayer. *choked on tears* miss you both.







Ya Allah

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.




Ya Allah jangan Kau coba aku
Melebihi batas mampu dan sanggupku

Ya Allah bila memang Kau coba
Aku percaya Kau sayang padaku

Ya Allah lindungilah diriku
Dari yang menjahati, menzhalimiku

Ya Allah Kaulah Maha Segala
Engkaulah pelindung hidup dan matiku




this. makes me tearing inside.

my wonderwoman.

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

Sudah aku 'buang' info tentangnya supaya tiada yang tahu.
Aku tutup 'dinding' supaya tiada yang berani menconteng dan mengucapkannya.
Aku tidak mahu tahu berapa tahun sudah aku bernafas dan ianya tidak setaraf imanku yang sedikit.
Aku tidak mahu diingatkan kegagalan aku, sedangkan si Fateh berjaya menakluki kota besar ketika usianya muda dariku.

Jangan diraikan aku. Dan siapalah aku tanpa wanita yang berjaya melahirkanku?

Mama. I still remember the tales you've told me. The very one you told about having me into this world. Do you still remember how did we came about that topic? I asked why didn't you take care of me when I was a baby? Why did grandma took me? And then you told me about your complications after giving birth to me. Don't even mention about the time they had to cut you (c-sec) because I couldn't go out through the 'door'. Silly me. :(

You were half-paralyzed. You couldn't eat properly at that time because you can't move your lips. You had to be hospitalized for a long time. You were told to be strong spiritually because your body were getting worse, or else you couldn't make it.

And with your super strong will, Ma, I was able to be around you for the past 20 years. Alhamdulillah, God is The Greatest. He has blessed me with a wonderwoman as my mother. MY mother. Words are not enough to express how grateful I am.

This is only the story about you giving birth to me, and not to mention all those countless seconds you've spent to raise me. Priceless.

Until this day I have never forgotten about this tale. Sadly, I was reminded of the times I hurt you by my misbehavior and there was a time where I have never failed to make you furious. I didn't know any better. I was naive, and sadly, being a typical teenager.

I love you, Mama. Although I had and still do have problems to utter it out loud, but yeah. I love you. Although I'm miles apart, I don't call and talk to you everyday like I did during Summer, my feelings stay the same. I miss you like so much but I gotta stand up, grow up, wipe those tears and start to be act like an adult to move on, right?

I hope I can be the daughter you always wanted me to be. I wanna be a wonderwoman like you too, one day, insyaAllah.

You never left in my do'a and I hope we'll be together in Jannah later. InsyaAllah.

And this goes wholeheartedly to my lady. My wonderwoman. My teacher. My counselor. My personal doctor. My mother.


move along

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

time bagi nasihat, kata-kata semangat kat orang aku memang yakin. yakin gila la.
time kena kat batang hidung sendiri, kedu. terduduk, dengan mutiara kat pipi.

*layan perasaan mode*

okay. now I know for sure kenapa aku deactivate all my feelings. because I don't wanna be sad.

people always leave.

so why bother holding on?

I mean, I do hold on to some people (as in to be close with one) but once we're apart, I'm not gonna hold on like I did.

aku tak suka melayan perasaan.

I rather go on 3 months or even 5 occupied with my uni life, without talking to you rather than wanting to talk to you everyday / everyweek but I can't and then I'll be emoing like a little child.

faham tak?

faham tak?

I can go on months without talking to you. really. proven and done that.

thing is, sekarang ni je macam terhegeh-hegeh lah nak talk you. tapi time was never right for us. so ended up aku camni la. layan perasaan.

so, aku bukan nak cari pasal + tak bersyukur.

I'm just protecting my heart.

#np Move Along - AAR

Move along je lah. Like I know I'll do.