Conversations With Stranger

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
This morning I got ready for class and headed to bus stop with Nini. It was around 8.15 when we reached the bus stop. 10 minutes passed and there was no bus at all. Nini said she wanted to take the bus at the other bus stop and but I told her I'd want to wait for 5 more minutes. So, I waited and waited. There was no bus. at. all. I didn't realise how long I've waited but it seemed that only 30 minutes till class starts.

I ordered a cab from the app and  5 minutes later the driver came. He was in his late 50s I supposed. I told him I waited the bus for like almost 20 minutes and there was none. He said the traffic was bad on some roads so the bus must have stuck some where. As usual, I was asked where I'm from. As I told Malaysia, he said he knew that. (Believe me quite a number do not know where Malaysia is)

"the young ones probably didn't where's malaysia, but I do," he said

I didn't remember exactly how he started to talk about ISIS and Syria. He said that Muslims will not do such terror, as they have the al-Quran and same as the Christians that has the bibles. If they do terror things, they are not truly Muslims. It's a tragedy that things been going on and a lot of lives have lost along the way. He also talked about North Korea, Trump and all sort of things. It was too overwhelming. I felt that it was too early to talk about these heavy issues in the morning. Unfortunately my vocabulary is limited regarding this topic so I had to converse in simpler words. Like a small kid's vocab, haha. It's nice to have this kind of things to talk about, I really like how he was so open about it - considering I am a stranger to him, a foreigner here and I am a Muslim.

He was also telling me that he learned few English when we was in Africa. "one, two, three, four, five." he recalled excitedly. Well, that was all he remembered, haha. He did study well in order for him to get scholarships. It wasn't fully paid, but at least he didn't have to pay so much for his education. He too told me to study well and be a good doctor.

"study, study, study," he said. He was quoting Lenin.
"study till you die," I responded
"yes! you should study well and be a good doctor."
"yeah but currently in my country there's a lot of graduates but few places to work. but we have a lot of patients"
"doctors are needed because patients will be in a large number. look at what we're eating now"
"yeah, true"
"we used to eat natural things. but now it's all chemical." he said
"you know there is a bread that can last up to 2 months," I was thinking of Harry's.
"Bread supposed to last about 3 days!"
"Yeah, it was all chemical in the bread."


When I was about to reach the hospital, I checked my bag only to realise that I didn't bring my purse. I only had coins for bus fares and that was it. OMG. Like what the heck is wrong with me! He noticed and asked what went wrong and I told him what happened. He just laughed. I was a little panic, I asked him if I could give him a call and pay him later. But, thanked God for technology, I can use the app to pay the cab fares with my bankcard. *phew* I thanked him and we bid our goodbye.

One More Light

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
Couple of days ago I saw a junior from my university posted photos in her instagram stories. She's back in Malaysia and in a hospital attire. At first I thought she was undergoing some treatment - which she is but it was not for any physical illness.

She's in a psy ward. She has been battling depression for years and she was suicidal. She had multiple scars and there was even one that fully heals. She has been taking medication and now still seeking for help. Coming from a girl that I thought was living a happy, cheerful and active life, I was shocked. I didn't think she could be one of those that would have these problems. She is a bright brilliant girl and to know that she's going through such pain, it really breaks my heart. I truly feel empathy for her, even though we barely know each other. I wish her to get better and keep on being strong.

This depression and anxiety are real illness that most people tend to overlook. People easily dismiss them just because there is no proof of physical damage or can't be seen in x-rays or ultrasound and what-not.

I have to admit, I was one of those who had the stigma : when you have a religion, when you have faith, you shouldn't have depression. I bet there are a lot of you out there has been told similar things. Looking back, I was one of those jerk who dismissed these problems by shoving faith as the solution. You see, it is not the only solution, it is part of the solution. There's more things to be done besides emphasising on faith and we are not looking for the right direction.

Depression and anxiety have no favours. Just because you have a religion and have faith of God, that doesn't mean you can't get these illness. What? You think you're a muslim you can't get depressed and anxious? I knew someone who has been battling anxiety and depression for quite some time and no one would actually believe that she has it because, guess what? Because she's "religious". When she tried to get help, (probably didn't go to the right person) the person told her "what? don't you have Allah? why are you like this?" Can you imagine how she was feeling? I felt sorry for her but I also felt super useless because I couldn't help her - I don't know how to. It was heartbreaking to see her in that situation. She eventually found a way out and slowly got better. She's now doing much better and I wish her the best as well.

Come to think of it, when I had my dark depressive-like days, I'm pretty sure it wasn't as bad as what others went through. I mean, I didn't have to take any medication, I didn't injure myself and for that I am really really thankful. I must have probably feel only like 10% of the real depression - and that was already painful enough for me. I wasn't eating (it's super odd if you know me well) I didn't want to see anyone even my closest family and friends. I cancelled all my plans that I was so excited of initially but just couldn't pull myself together to get through. There was this emptiness in me, and it was scary because I kinda like how the emptiness hovers me at first. It went on for days and I felt like I can't get out of it. I didn't know who to talk to, and how to be free of this unwanted feelings. I want to make things better but I can't. I was stuck in a limbo. There are some episodes when it happened and I was asked "kau dah kenapa?" and I said I don't know; because I truly didn't know what was going on. I don't remember exactly how long and how I managed myself through but alhamdulillah I did it. I am not 100% over some issues, to be honest. I guess it kinda stay with you and it depends on yourself how you manage things and pull it through. This then actually gave me a view on depression and anxiety on a different perspective. I now feel more empathy for people battling with these things.

To whoever that's having a rough time, having all sorts of depression, anxiety and any mental illness;
It's okay. It's okay to have them. It's okay to admit that you're having them. It's important to realise what's going on in order to seek help. Also, be strong. I know it's hard to trust people since most of them dismiss you, but I bet there are some out there truly a gem and cares for you. They do. Just be sure to look out for them and get whatever necessary help. Different people handle things differently so I believe that different people will need different methods to manage things through. Most importantly, love yourself, take care of yourself.

To those who know someone that might be having a rough time, try to understand them and be supportive. Don't simply judge and most importantly don't tell them that "it's nothing. get over it." cos it's not easy to do so. Healing takes time. Sometimes all you need to do is just be with them, without saying a word. Just let them know they're not alone.


p/s :  This morning I was watching One More Light video that Hahn and Shinoda dedicated to Chester Bennington. You see, Chester was sexually abused when he was a kid and that probably just didn't go away at all. Not to say that was solely the cause of his suicide but these things add up. Some things you just can't forget and it will always be a part of you whether you like it or not. Yeah, that sucks.

Love

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
The thing about love. They make you feel these feelings and you can't do anything to stop them. I still wonder whether if it's worth it; as I don't feel the equivalent depth of happiness in comparison to sadness. Maybe I just value love differently as others do and that alone easily hurt me. Love isn't all about how long you've known each other or have been together. It's about how you move yourself towards their groove and vice versa. It's definitely a two-ways communication thing. It takes two to tango kind of thing. Sorry if that's a weird way to put it but that's how I see it. I'm not sure if this is me trying to redefine love as it already is, but I sure do think there's more to love on what's it all about than you'd actually realise.

Hey, I'm not talking about love being typically stereotyped as boy-girl relationship or soulmates or whatever; but I'm talking about love as whole. Be it with your family, your friends and your anything. For me personally, I am actually careful on who I let into my inner circle because I learnt for a fact that sometimes you just can't force people into your lives. Some things just come naturally without needing so much effort. To keep them float, yes, your efforts are very much required.

I'm interested with what Anwar Hadi once said, when he was asked how did he know his wife was the one. He said something about you wanting to make things work with the other person. Like you wouldn't mind going through high and dry in order to make things work with them. That's true.

But what if you can't choose the person you love? Like in your family for example. You don't ask to be with them and when you can't even fit yourself with them - how's that going to be? Why bother to make things work if they're not gonna?

(I am so going to write this with tears, help me)

First of all, I am so so blessed to have the family I have, despite what I've written and the ups and downs I've had. If I were to compare to others that are much less fortunate than I am, I wouldn't be who I am today. Family isn't my strongest forte; and I was jealous with those who are. Maybe I was just wired a little bit different that I do not see what others would see. For some reason I've always felt left out in the family, despite having two loving parents and two elder siblings. No matter what I do, I don't feel like I've done anything good for them. Somehow my memories of them are always of how disappointed I was with my family, even when I know they did too many good to me. It was always the bad ones over-weigh the good memories. Being the last child of the family would make you think you'd have all the attention but in my reality it wasn't. I somehow feel distant with my family when in truth I was always at home. (my other siblings went for boarding school) During my teen years was when I started to trust my friends over my family.

It may got out of hand, when I decided to study the furthest I could - Russia. I wasn't into medicine that much but I figured it would be neat to have a MD and like, help people. One of the strong reason why I chose Russia, so I could be away as I could from home.

Fortunately, it was the very place I learn that, as for family, we are entitled to love them unconditionally because that's what God would want us to do. If it wasn't for this, I wouldn't be holding on for so long. There are too many heartaches and disappointment I've been through with my family. Not that we're in non-talking terms or what-not but I'm a person that loves to connect deeply rather than superficially, so that's a bit of a problem. When I was in Russia and I got into this deep deep mess, I called them, they were at home. I remember very well, it was during the new year. I wanted to tell them, but they were having fun at home, gathered around together so they were like heyyy what's upp, like they don't even care on what I was about to tell them. At the end, I couldn't utter the words. I put down the phone and just cried. Well that deep deep mess I was in, I had to pick myself up and took me like forever to do so. It even caused me to eventually repeated 3 semesters. I still have nightmares of that deep deep mess.

Ramadhan adinnasat : we may not realised how strong we were at the time; after the storm passes, we looked back and saw how far we've come to this day. Still wondering how did we survive. . . . Alhamdulillah aku tak jadi gila. 😂 #obsesilangit #contenganramadhan

A post shared by @syahaneez on Jun 6, 2017 at 10:09am PDT

That's me subtly tells the world that I was in deepest ocean deep mess and thanked God I didn't go insane for real.


Putting aside my bitter writings, in conclusion, as for love for the family; you have to respect and love them because that's what God told us to. As a person who's in faith of God, that's the reason that keeps me sane when it comes to family. Learn to put your differences aside and focus on the common ground. Even if you don't have any, just find that one damn common thing and hold on to it. So at least I'd die trying to make things work. At least I've done my part.

Suitcase, A Scarf and The Departure

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
Just in a blink of an eye, 66 days came to an end. My summer holidays has officially ended. This time I wasn't sure what to pack to Russia so I just bought things and gathered them around. One day before my flight I packed my bag in 15 minutes. Yes. 15 minutes. It's possible, when you already have a mental check of what to put in the luggage I supposed. I'd be lying if I say I wasn't feeling a little proud of myself. I have always hated packing and unpacking stuff so 15 minutes is a gold record.

The night before leaving we had sushi for dinner. It was nice to have a treat from my brother and his wife before going back. I love some family time, regardless which restaurant we went to or what we do. We rushed back home just to catch the final football match for SEA games. I can't remember when was the last time all of us gathered and it's almost impossible to do so nowadays when every one of us has their own commitment in life. It really makes me feel sad that I didn't really appreciate the time we spent when we were whole. It also made me realised that I am actually sentimental towards this kind of thing but I locked up this part of me for I don't know what reason. While writing this, I feel a little homesick and that, my friend, is something unusual because a) not even week has passed since I left and b) I can count on my one hand on how many times I get homesick since 2009. I guess being in the quarter life zone changes your views and emotions, eh?

I wrote about dwelling and living in the past and trying to move on my previous post and I'd like to say that there has been some progress. It's super slow but hey, at least I'm on the move. A couple of years before I've been questioning who I am because I can't seem to know the answer. It feels weird and scary not knowing who yourself are. I did found some cliche answers but it didn't feel like it answered my question. I can't describe myself well. I don't know what to say about myself. I tried talking to one of my friend about this and I've been dismissed. I never speak about it to anyone ever again. So I'd like to do some self searching and try to get to know myself more. Make mental note on them. :)

I believe 3 semesters will be a blink of an eye as well. I hope I'll make most of it, improve on few things in life, and most importantly, be grateful as ever.

word vomit

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
today seems like just another day.

I was reading an article and it got me thinking.

whatever that has happened, happened and cannot be changed. be it good or bad, it already happened. what's important now is the present day and how you've become to be. whether you've learn something out of it or not, that is entirely up to you. there's nothing you can do to change the past - and that's okay. even if you are able to travel back in time using the particle accelerator or what-not, a single disruption of the past would entirely change who you are today! and that's not cool.

there's no use to dwell in the past - even when it was great. it has gone and can never be returned. cherish the present, the moments you are living now, and live to the fullest so in the future you will never regret of things you have done or have not done.

I know I am not that broken or lost compared to whole lot of others; I have been blessed by wonderful people around me. but that doesn't stop from me feeling broken and lost on some days. I am in fact a human - weak, unworthy and just vulnerable. having knowledge or understanding of things does not guarantee of being so well all the time, if you are a human by nature. we all make mistakes and sins; but the better of us will apologize and repent where as some of us continue to live in such dark pathway. having the ability to see the light, does not guarantee you to have the strength to walk into in. it's something you have to work on your own and nobody can help you 100 percent; they can merely guide you there.

today, these past years mean so much to me than it ever was. I realised that I've been stuck at a limbo for quite sometime as I wasn't ready to let go of the past. no matter what I do, I was never really living the moment. I had no idea what was going on, other than trying to fool myself. I may be able to figure out about others, but when it comes to figuring out about me, I wasn't sure of myself. never was.

today, I'd like to try to make a difference, and try to get myself to do things that takes me to better place. and I'd like to request for your prayers of me being well, physically, spiritually, and mentally.

don't you forget;
be grateful of yourself today.
be thankful that you are well, alive, in your own way that God has blessed you.