simply.

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.


after a long hiatus, here I am again.
I think my interest to blogging started to fade and now it became like this.

I never knew I'd stand on this very day, thinking about this very matter.
I never expect myself to be like this, and yet this is the path I have chosen.

I never knew I'd change so much; as day by day the change does not even prominent. but as I look back, I see the difference.

"people change, it's just the matter of for better or for worse."

and in my case, it may be for worse. (because I think I have been better)
sigh.

BUT, this is not something that I regret. although there are some points in life that made me wished that I could turn back time and change them, God has written my life journey as it is for a reason. for me to become the way I'm suppose to be. He sends trouble for me to solve and it's up to me to crumble upon and cries or to stand up and get through it with courage.

the challenge to grab the chance to enter Jannah is never easy. because Jannah is too awesome for a small challenge. Jannah is for awesome people. and for that, you have to become awesome and that isn't easy. awesome in who's context here we're talking about? in human's eyes? or in God's view? something uncool can be cool if He approves it. *I swear!* and vice versa; something cool can be super uncool if He dislikes it.

I've said things I wouldn't do and here I am, doing it anyway. Allah. see how easy my heart turns away from my own words?

point is, you'll never know what you'll do unless you went through the situation yourself. I've said I wouldn't want to do this because I've never tested in that way; and now when I do, I tell you, it's hard to let it go. I blame myself for being weak. but yeah.

this reminds me of a sahabat that never gave advices on something unless he has experience on it.

well. may Allah grant us courage to get through any kind of difficulties we're having.

it scares me that it scares you but let's face it, we're terrified of all the what IFs that we talked about.

but hey, if He wills, so be it. and for now, let's cool down and see what's going to happen.

PS : I'm worried. but you'll be fine.

let the flames begin.

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

It's been a while.

It's scary; I'm starting to feel that I'm becoming my old-self.

"Who I am hates who I've been".

Exactomundo. And why am I becoming my old-self again? Truth to be told, I have no idea. Maybe I just need positive environment around me, for I get easily affected with my surroundings. Positive surrounding makes you an optimist, and vice versa. Right?

One once said that if you can't have a positive surrounding, create one. But hey, one does not simply creates positive surrounding.

I don't have anything to write anymore because I don't feel like writing anymore. Mungkin zaman blogger akan berakhir tak lama lagi? :D

long hiatus

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

been MIA from the blog.

this could only mean 2 things
a) I'm okay, too busy with things.
b) I'm not okay, too busy handling with my own probs.


and it's the 2nd one.

between you and me.

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

I sometimes hate dislike when someone said "You're more matured than you age".
Whaaat?
Tak faham macamana process maturation ini berlaku. [gelak sinis]
Adakah ianya seperti maturation of cell? [okay, lost]
I mean, tak faham macamana aku boleh jadi macam ni sedangkan aku anak bongsu.
Yes, the last of the last. I'm an adik. Aku manja. [menurut abangku dan kakakku ya] dan aku tak pernah duduk hostel / asrama. Tak pernah berjauhan dengan mama & ayah dan dikira duduk bawah ketiak mereka lama jugak la.

Macamana weh process tu berlaku? Kalau tau, boleh sikit share dengan orang. Supaya they act mature juga. Hahaha.

Bah, seriously. Kenapa juga mau begini kan? [err, sila hilangkan slang sabahan anda]

Takde la. Tak paham jugak kenapa aku boleh mature thinking ni sedangkan aku nak sangat act like a kiddo, care-free dan trouble  maker tapi tak boleh! cis. Teori pertama aku adalah, aku berkawan dengan orang mature or bajet dia mature [tapi dia memang mature pun] *batukkeringbatukbatukCikDanaveebatukbatukkk* Naaa kan! Told ya.

Untuk umur macam aku, aku tak sepatutnya jadi macam mak orang. Membebel macam mama2 kata mereka. Haha.

Mature konon. ptuih. [ala-ala panglima pwtc]

Masalah sendiri tak pandai settle!

First of all;
Aku memang okay dengan orang, insyaAllah, asalkan orang okay je dengan aku. Sampaikan orang gelar aku hypocrite sebab aku boleh terima & berbincang dengan lain2 orang with lain2 pendapat. Aku jenis tak kisah jugak kau macamana dengan aku. Nak gelak ketawa, nak nangis, nak kongsi rahsia, nak ajak komplot buat surprise, sumpah aku tak kisah. Aku takde lah jenis yang buat semua orang rasa aku best friend dia, tapi aku just okay [baca : hanya okay, tak teruk, takdelah great] with everyone.

TAPI;
Aku jenis yang tak boleh sebenarnya dikongkong. In a sense that, do not cling on me 24/7 or else sumpah aku rimas. And that is why I never used DiGi! [gelak joke sendiri] Aku bukannya kejam or whatever tapi aku tak pernah cling to anyone sangat rapat sampai 24/7 melekat bersama. There's must be ME time. I need my human time. [ayat ala-ala Bella Swan; okay, Twilight readers je paham] Before this takde siapa pernah langgar etika ini until recently.

Bukan tak nak kawan, tapi berpada-pada. I know we used to be close tapi recently, after summer this year, it's not a mutual thing anymore. Okay, silap sendiri sebab dulu tak pernah cakap apa-apa dan aku sekarang pun tak cakap apa-apa, setakat lari je dari mereply message or whatever tapi truth to be told aku memang malas reply sms + whatsapp. Keyboard hp sekarang tak selesa dulu. Eh. cakap pasal apa tadi? Oh ye. Senang cakap : dulu lain, sekarang lain. Ada la beberapa masa yang aku try dan try to be okay with it tapi aku memang tak okay with it. Nak kata ada masalah macam takde. Tak tahu apa masalah dia? Mungkin masalah dia adalah aku sendiri. Jengjengjeng. Yeah sure, boleh kawan. Tapi tak macam dulu. I don't see we will ever be macam dulu.

Yang lagi sorang, entah. Sudah dikata jangan, tapi tu juga dibuat. Payah.

Ada certain masa aku tak merajuk / marah pun. Tapi buat-buat marah / merajuk. Sebab? Entah. Habit? It's actually main-main je tapi dah the person can't tell the difference. Biar je la.

Oh, I need to slow down my sarcasm. Orang tak paham + orang terasa + orang fikir aku jahat + aku hypocrite.

Hah. Dunia.

what does not kill me, can it really make me stronger?

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

when we pray, we always ask God to lessen our burden, to ease our pain, to smooth any of our plans, etc.

me? I ask Him to make me stronger. the thing is, when we ask God to make us stronger, He didn't just make us stronger just like that. *chiiiing* << (failed magic sound) but no, no magic or whatsoever. He'd put us to test, so we can try to make ourselves stronger.

get it?

I've always wanna be stronger (read : tabah) because I was always and am always so weak and I couldn't pull myself through. even though most of the times I put on a brave face, I've always feel like running and screaming the top of my lungs out.

so, there it goes. I was tested to be stronger and I failed. badly. I brawled. disaster it was.

T.T

I can give advises to other on how to be stronger and I myself can't pull it through. even when my friend said I am strong, it's just I didn't realised it, I feel like, nah, if I'm strong enough I wouldn't be like this.

80% of the time I ran from my own problems, which are not really much of a big problems, really, but to me it was HUGE because I can't get over it. solution? back to God. it's a sign, it's His sign. if I feel like I have problems that as big as the world, I must've been missing in action in God's path. *shivers* what have I been doing?

few days back I was tempted to do something no-good and there I was, crumbled and did it anyway. not to humiliate myself or what-so-ever, my point here is, I was that weak! and now I feel like slapping myself for good. I can't seem to realise things any sooner, eh? annoyingnya kau, syahaneez! -_-"

now I hate myself for doing so more than ever.

that's it. just one solution, with many ways to do it. back to God. back to Quran.

ohmyrabb.

if only I would listen to myself when I give myself an advice. if only.

on a side note, happy birthday ayahku. we've always had that somewhat special connection that I can't never understand. may Allah bless and hope we'll be together in jannah. together with mama. ^^ I love you. I did bake something but I've always failed on the deco. it's choc cake btw. yes, yes, I owe you a cheese cake when I'm back. I know I'm always missing in action, never really call or whatsoever, but insyaAllah you and mama always in my prayer. *choked on tears* miss you both.