my wonderwoman.

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

Sudah aku 'buang' info tentangnya supaya tiada yang tahu.

Aku tutup 'dinding' supaya tiada yang berani menconteng dan mengucapkannya.

Aku tidak mahu tahu berapa tahun sudah aku bernafas dan ianya tidak setaraf imanku yang sedikit.

Aku tidak mahu diingatkan kegagalan aku, sedangkan si Fateh berjaya menakluki kota besar ketika usianya muda dariku.

Jangan diraikan aku. Dan siapalah aku tanpa wanita yang berjaya melahirkanku?

Mama. I still remember the tales you've told me. The very one you told about having me into this world. Do you still remember how did we came about that topic? I asked why didn't you take care of me when I was a baby? Why did grandma took me? And then you told me about your complications after giving birth to me. Don't even mention about the time they had to cut you (c-sec) because I couldn't go out through the 'door'. Silly me. :(

You were half-paralyzed. You couldn't eat properly at that time because you can't move your lips. You had to be hospitalized for a long time. You were told to be strong spiritually because your body were getting worse, or else you couldn't make it.

And with your super strong will, Ma, I was able to be around you for the past 20 years. Alhamdulillah, God is The Greatest. He has blessed me with a wonderwoman as my mother. MY mother. Words are not enough to express how grateful I am.

This is only the story about you giving birth to me, and not to mention all those countless seconds you've spent to raise me. Priceless.

Until this day I have never forgotten about this tale. Sadly, I was reminded of the times I hurt you by my misbehavior and there was a time where I have never failed to make you furious. I didn't know any better. I was naive, and sadly, being a typical teenager.

I love you, Mama. Although I had and still do have problems to utter it out loud, but yeah. I love you. Although I'm miles apart, I don't call and talk to you everyday like I did during Summer, my feelings stay the same. I miss you like so much but I gotta stand up, grow up, wipe those tears and start to be act like an adult to move on, right?

I hope I can be the daughter you always wanted me to be. I wanna be a wonderwoman like you too, one day, insyaAllah.

You never left in my do'a and I hope we'll be together in Jannah later. InsyaAllah.

And this goes wholeheartedly to my lady. My wonderwoman. My teacher. My counselor. My personal doctor. My mother.

move along

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

time bagi nasihat, kata-kata semangat kat orang aku memang yakin. yakin gila la.

time kena kat batang hidung sendiri, kedu. terduduk, dengan mutiara kat pipi.

*layan perasaan mode*

okay. now I know for sure kenapa aku deactivate all my feelings. because I don't wanna be sad.

people always leave.

so why bother holding on?

I mean, I do hold on to some people (as in to be close with one) but once we're apart, I'm not gonna hold on like I did.

aku tak suka melayan perasaan.

I rather go on 3 months or even 5 occupied with my uni life, without talking to you rather than wanting to talk to you everyday / everyweek but I can't and then I'll be emoing like a little child.

faham tak?

faham tak?

I can go on months without talking to you. really. proven and done that.

thing is, sekarang ni je macam terhegeh-hegeh lah nak talk you. tapi time was never right for us. so ended up aku camni la. layan perasaan.

so, aku bukan nak cari pasal + tak bersyukur.

I'm just protecting my heart.

#np Move Along - AAR

Move along je lah. Like I know I'll do.

aku.muzik.kamu

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

I still remember the times Khadeejah played Maher Zain's Allahi Allah Kiya Karo and I thought to myself (and may or may not say it out loud) "Apasal la pasang lagu hindustan ni?"

And then I heard "Insha Allah". I was like, mehhh, it's okay. He has good voice.

The thing is I've always into music and I loved Paramore -- for they are the only band that has decent music and lyrics without sex/booze/drugs in it. Some of their songs have meaningful lyrics. Anyhow, point is, I loved music. I had like 16 GBs of songs. Mostly rock genre because I despise RnB due to their lyrics that is just so eww.

Until one day I had a change of heart. That very day He opened the doors for me.

When I listened to "Insha Allah" after that day, my heart was moved. I mean, it's not like I'm listening it for the first time but it was truly a moment for me. His lyrics was just amazing and I love the song ever since. and maybe had a crush on the guy. Haha! Jahiliyah moment there. I was reminded to love the lyrics, not the singer. I was like, okay, blessed this guy for having a beautiful talent, given from above. -- LOL

Then came the time when his fame shoots up. Got famous all over asia and what-not. I dislike things that most people like. So I didn't like it as much as I did.

The point I'm writing this is just that I miss that feeling I had when I listened to the song. It feels so awesome. And now I'm miles away from that very feeling. I've missed the times I felt confident with every thing I did, that I did because of Him. Nowadays is just blerghhhh.

The attack of Mr. Futur. :(

I just don't know how I ended up like this. Okay I think I know how.

They say the non-beneficial stories, dramas, music darkens your heart bits by bits. You won't feel it darkens but when you've gone to far, you realised you've changed. :(

I feel like shutting down all those unnecessary entertainments. I have this habit of watching HIMYM but I think I'm getting bored of it so it's good. But I still burst words into songs. Because I've always have them in my head. Remember those time I used to sing along to anything? Yes, that. -______-"

So many jahiliyah things I've never removed. And how do I expect myself to move forward?

It's like going uphill, it's already freaking difficult, for unhealthy-because-never-exercise-me and I'm holding a huge baggage. A baggage full of my jahiliyah stuff. Now tell me how I'm gonna reach the top of Kinabalu Mountain weh? Difficult liao!

[Note : Jahiliyyah stuff : things I'd like to refer that are not beneficial and wasting time. It's not really meant jahiliyyah but I just love to call it that. Ha.]

So. Let's leave the baggage behind, Syahaneez. Never run back and open it. Throw it away in the ocean, let it be lost and never be found.

*INHALE*

I need my heart to be purified again.

Dear Qalb of mine, please be good and love the only one that deserve to be loved. Oh, you know who!

Day 12

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

Sampai sekarang, aku tak boleh nak betulkan diri lagi.

Don't know what's up, but this is it.

Tadabur hari ni ; (22:78)

78. Dan berjihadlah kamu pada jalan Allah dengan jihad yang sebenar-benarnya. Dia telah memilih kamu dan Dia sekali-kali tidak menjadikan untuk kamu dalam agama suatu kesempitan. (Ikutilah) agama orang tuamu Ibrahim. Dia (Allah) telah menamai kamu sekalian orang-orang muslim dari dahulu, dan (begitu pula) dalam (Al Quran) ini, supaya Rasul itu menjadi saksi atas dirimu dan supaya kamu semua menjadi saksi atas segenap manusia, maka dirikanlah sembahyang, tunaikanlah zakat dan berpeganglah kamu pada tali Allah. Dia adalah Pelindungmu, maka Dialah sebaik-baik Pelindung dan sebaik- baik Penolong.

Masih lagi aku rasa sukar. Kalau betul aku amalkan apa yang patut, takkan terasa sikit pun kesukaran tu, kan?

Dan jihad, bukan hanya dengan pedang dan apa segala senjata yang ada.

Berjihad menegakkan kebenaran.

Berjihad melawan nafsu.

Jihadlah yang sebenar-benarnya. Insya Allah.

Ujian

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

Tak pernah terlintas akanku diduga sebegini.

Tak kira apa masalahnya sekali pun, aku hanya terkedu, kerana aku sedikit pun tak dapat nak kuatkan diri.

Ujian yang datang, tak pernah aku nak salahkanNya, kerana sesungguhnya susunan Dia itu sangat lah teratur, terperinci, dan ada hikmah di sebaliknya, for He knows what's best for us.

It's just I'm so stressed out with myself. Benda dah nak jadi, tak boleh nak buat apa melainkan melaluinya dengan sabar dan tabah, kan? Masalahnya I can't, and I'm being a baby to stressed out things that actually not so tough. Nak difikirkan, masalahnya tak besar mana pun, cuma bagai jatuh ditimpa tangga lah, and masa tu macam tak berapa nak mengizinkan, tu je. ITU sahaja. Dan aku tak dapat buat apa-apa dengan betul. Messed up sangat.

"La yukali fullahu nafsan illah wus'aha."

Allah tidak membebani seseorang melainkan sesuai dengan kesanggupannya.

Banyak kali aku cuba ingatkan ni pada diri sendiri. Ada tu hari tu siapa ntah cakap, kalau apa-apa pun ujian kita dapat, betapa susah atau senang, tarik nafas dan ucaplah 'alhamdulillah'.

Tapi tu lah, stress dengan diri. Diuji sikit terus merengek macam budak kecik.

Aku tahu aku ada tanda-tanda yang nak detour dari jalanNya, aku sendiri dapat rasakan futur tu sangat kuat, dan bila diuji dalam keadaan futur, inilah jadinya. Rasa tak senang je.

Solution dia senang je actually. Back to Quran; Back to Allah. Kalau ada hope & faith dalam diri, apa pun jadi, kita takkan goyah.

So. Let's start.