Welcome back, fiend.

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
I realised I needed a professional help when my trigger gets worse. Yes, i recognised my trigger. Before this I was in denial about it and then I have came to term that it was definitely a trigger for me. I usually have to be in contact of that trigger - before this it needs several times to happen but now no more. All it takes was for me to hear the sentence and I'll drive myself nuts.

My trigger has gone worse. Which means I wasn't even handling it as I thought I did. I was bottling up till I can't anymore. Last couple of weeks I went straight to zombie mode. No one really knew about it. I tried to keep it low. Till I had to tell my boss because she noticed that I've been delaying some tasks which is unusual for me. I didn't want to tell her because I don't want her to treat me differently but it's unfair if I chose to keep it a secret. She has the right to know as I was putting my tasks aside when it should have been done in the first place. I didn't go into much details, but she understood and adviced to take a time off.

I love my job, it kept me sane all these months. I might be the only one who loves it as much, lol. So when I couldn't get my tasks done, I was in a self loathe state for doing so. Like, why am I too messed up to do some simple tasks? (Yes it was hella simple but I was avoiding it) so that pretty much messed me up even more.

I finally seek a professional help and alhamdulillah it was a good experience. It makes me feel that there is still hope for me to recover. What frustrate me initially was, I knew what was going on and what to do but I can't bring myself to do it. Like, I know I need to get my thinking clear and free from pain, but.. I feel like I'm not strong enough to do so, especially when I am alone in this journey.

Next week will be my second visit and hopefully I will have good progress. I'm tired of seeking stuff to distract myself from this feeling. I'm sad that I can't feel truly happy whenever I should feel joy. I need to be able to recognise my feeling and control my emotions whenever I'm near my trigger.

Maybe I will, someday. 

Moving On

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

I was reading couple of books - Dale Carnigie's (how to stop worry and start living) and Muharikah's (hidup yang aku pilih) Haven't finish them, I jumped one book to another. I got to say, they are helping me a lot.

Few days back I had some breakdown (as always, almost every breakdown is written here) and along that week I read their books. Basically the gist of the books are, no matter where you are in life right now, something is going to go wrong or something that you're not gonna like will happened. The difference is either you going to worry too much or will do something about it.

Yes, I worry too much. Where am I going to live? I am broke and I am living in a debt. I don't have a stable job, and when I do get a stable job - can I survive that hell hole? I have no control in my financial state. I have to take care of myself but everything is so darn expensive out there. I'm so weak physically, mentally and emotionally.. How am I going to survive? 

The thing is, I always feel my life is so pathetic and sad so there are days I spent weeping about it when the fact that I should be doing something to change it. Yes, I can't change the situation as a whole but I can change my mindset and be better about it. When I worry less, the clearer I see to handle the situation.

If I'm going to spend my days worrying about the unseen future, I will die of my own emotions and fear. So, I'm just going to live my days as it is, the best I can, take things at a time. Slow and steady. I should stop comparing my life with others as my life isn't like any other. I should stop taking things too seriously and just live life. I should be able to survive, insyaAllah by His Grace.

It is scary out there, and I feel like I got no one else with me. But it's okay. I know He will protect me and take cares of me; like He is doing now and every day.

insyaAllah.

Move Along

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
Feels the need to write since the last 2 posts are so depressing. I've been alright. Surprisingly so good these couple of weeks. Good doesn't mean I didn't ended up crying and hugging my brother -- but good as in I can move on from that 'storm' phase and live life.

There are so many things that I need to do, I can't focus on the things that's holding me back. I can't keep torment my mind about the things I couldn't do, so I just move on and do the things that I can do instead.

Few highlights since the storm in no particular order, good or bad :
- raya was awful for me.
- I went to work more in July and met with the boys and girls. They definitely takes some edges off of me.
- I went for IMARET mission for orang asli. wasn't reaaaally hyped up as I don't get hyped up about stuff but it felt so good to be able to join. I know I didn't do much but it was so awesome! I wanna go again :D
- my spectacles broke. wuuu T.T so I started wearing lens while scouting places to make cheap spectacles. as I need to pay for my own, sigh.
- I get to meet the people behind IMAM. which is awesome and inspiring
- went for Nouman Ali Khan talk with my lubov. it was so gooood
- went for usrah with the girls. talked about real life issues. I love this.
- spend time with my best friends. :)
- got a lot of self-hate one of the days. because I feel so stupid for letting someone does bad things to me. sigh
- went for medicorp course. it was a one week before decision as I feel the need to learn stuff and distract myself with something useful.
- hang out with friends and juniors who came home for summer break. they're nice :)

So in conclusion, life isn't bad if you choose to do something good in it. I broke down a little last night - hormonal stuff, I hate this - but I was all good afterwards. I just need time to collect myself, to do the right thing with an open heart.

You see, doing the right thing isn't as easy nowadays. Because of the feel of you're like shit and you wanna protect yourself from being hurt again. But then again, at the end of the day, the right thing is still the right thing to do. I just need to convinced my heart to be cool with it, with no negative emotional attachment.

Somehow, this blog ended up as letters to myself.

Hence, dear self, hang in there. Cry if you need to, talk to the ones you love -- and you will feel better and be able to do the right thing. :)

-

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
How do I even put these in words?

Yesterday I asked advise for heartbroken via WhatsApp status.

One said to eliminate the cause.

But what if I can't eliminate the cause because they're family? Trust me I am now so confused and lost. I can't just leave family. From psychological aspects, yes I'd be down to leave toxic aura even when it's family. But from responsibility and religion aspects, I can't.

What should I do? I don't know.

I feel so guilty not be able to do what's right but when I tried doing so, I ended up hurting so bad that I don't wanna go anywhere. I don't wanna do anything.

Another said do whatever I'm happy with. That's the thing. I can't recall myself when's the last time I was happy. I don't know what makes me happy. The things I used to like, I don't like them anymore.

My heart hurts, my head hurts - migraine keeps coming, my stomach hurts. Everything seems to hurt..

It's all messed up.

I'm messed up.

I just feel so helpless and hopeless.

When will the storm pass?

It's hard

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
Today after work we spoke as usual, talked about random stuff. When it gets a little bit personal, I can feel like I was going to have a breakdown.

True enough, I teared in the car.

I looked away. I don't wanna cry in front on him. It's just too awkward and weird. Oh my God, I felt the journey to LRT feels forever. At times like this lah the traffic light turns red. Adoii.

We both kept silence. It was a deafening silence. He turned on the radio to ease the awkwardness.

"Sya jenis pendam eh?"

I kept quiet.

"Takpe lah, nangis je kalau nak"

"Sorry," suara bergegar, antara dengar atau tidak. My tears fell even faster.

When we finally arrived;

"Thank you," I said, looking away.

"Take care."

I can't even look at him when I got down to say thanks. I feel so heavy in my chest. I feel like all the words are churning inside of me, not able to escape my mouth. It's slowly eating me alive.

It's been couple of times these 'meltdown' happened and usually either I was alone or I'm in the LRT or in the Grab. Never in front of someone I know.

Honestly, it's hard. It's hard to put into words with what I'm feeling. It's hard to stay positive when I'm all about negative. It's hard because I honestly feel I have no one to talk to; or at least no one I want to talk to.

Whatever it is, I hope this will pass.

Every storm shall pass..

Lifted

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

I've been meaning to write this past couple of days.

It's unexplainable how the dark clouds parted and I am more at ease now. Looking back to what I wrote, I can't imagine myself in that situation, feeling those feelings. But it happened and now I can say I'm 'lifted'

About a week ago, I had one of those unpleasant episodes and I found myself having no one to talk to - or at least that was what I thought. I disconnect myself from mainstream socmed (read : instagram) as I feel it's building up unnecessary tension in me. I took some time to rethink the decision made, whether it was based on solely emotions or a need to get myself out of from the unhealthy situation.

 I also took some time to reach out to a friend, whom I occasionally go to for some advises. At the time it was hard, explaining on how I feel and the situation I was in, because I can't tell them without having my tears rolling down my cheek. I didn't wanna talk, so I texted instead, which helped a lot to deliver the story. To be honest this was like the 8th person I vent on my situation and I wasn't told anything new. I was told something I've heard of  from someone else before but amazingly, by His grace I supposed, I absolutely feel lifted the day after. I went on Youtube to find some self-help tips and recalculate my situation. That's when I was sure it was a right thing to disconnect with socmed. I started to feel much lighter, less bitter about the whole situation.

It turns out, when you feel you're wronged by someone, it eats you up so bad that whatever comes after that you can't move forward. You're stuck. Yeah, tell me about it. So in order to move forward, you need to acknowledge that whatever happened has happened and you need to let it go. Easier said than done, I'd say that. Took me forever to finally let things go, be at ease and to face come whatever may. Even when you are wronged, the best thing is to improve on how not to get into that same situation again. In my case, I felt like I'm always being lied to and always been given fake promises. I have to acknowledge that things changes. People changes. Situation changes. Nothing in this world is permanent. The only one that is solely will never let you down is God. No matter how close you are with someone, at the end of the day, everyone is for themselves. So, stop expecting from people more and just be the better person and not to do that to others. I've known someone that always try (and most of the time succeed) to compose himself whenever he's in a situation, be rational about it and try to solve it in the best way. I truly envy that, because I feel that's what I'm lacking off. I'm always too caught up with emotions that whenever I feel wronged, ALL the unpleasant memory will flow as well. I'm learning to compose myself, evaluate the situation and deal with it calmly.

When I met up with my new naqibah here and we just taaruf, talked about my background a little. When we met up for the liqa' with others, she reminded me of the things I used to really love and fought hard for. She reminded me of the love I used to hold dearly close to my heart that now is nowhere to be seen nor felt. The love for Him and His blessings. On the way home I told her what was going on with me, well knowing I was oversharing but I need her to know what kind of situation I was/am into so she'll know what to do. She said, God has plans for us all. We may not know the blessing yet but He knows it all. He's preparing me for bigger things in life. To which I said, I knew that and when whatever happened to me, it was so difficult to grasp that idea and understand the concept. When we caught up with emotions and feelings and what-not, every single thing became cloudy. Yes, we are humans after all. Seriously, she feels like a Godsend to me.

For now, I aimed to put less expectations on others, but try to do my best in everything. Be it relationships with family and friends, my work (Oh yes, I'm an intern of IMAM for now) my tarbiyah journey, my medical knowledge, and whatever that I can get opportunities to give back to others for Him.

Well, once a while I'd have my down moments juga la. A single hurtful text could really bring me down. I told myself, it's okay to feel hurt and sad, cry je lah if I want to, but make sure not to give other people the chance to doubt me. Means I have to try my best to rectify my situation. If it still fails, I've tried and God knows. biarlah Allah je kira. Effort tu, Allah tahu. It doesn't matter if other people don't wanna acknowledge that. I know God and I value my efforts and myself.

Alaa kulli hal, Alhamdulillah for all these things, alhamdulillah for everything. For all the wrongs I've done, I hope and pray that God can and will forgive me. I pray He won't forsake me and let me down to the wrong path. May all of us always be guided and granted patience for this world.

:)

Deep and Meaningless

I think I need to pen this down.

I need to.

---

I've never thought it will come to a point that you pushed me away this far. Avoiding my calls and texts. Even if when we talked over the phone, you always tell about superficial things. You even lied to me, and trying to convinced me to believe it. Knowing that you're lying to me hurts. I don't know how but I just know. I wanna talk and solve the real issue here but you refuse to see it as an issue. I tried to talk about it and you turned the table to me. It was always my fault. I gave you chances to make it up, but you threw it on my face with another lies.

I never talk about this because talking about it doesn't help at all. All these years I was in Russia, escaping the harsh reality that's falling upon me now. Even then, I didn't think it's gonna be this bad. Every day I think of the things I could change so it wouldn't turn this way but you know what? It won't matter anyway because I am destined for this life. Destined to be with people who wouldn't try to understand me. Destined to get stuck in this emotional roller-coaster. I tried to hold it in, I know other people who had it worse. I tried. and I'm at a point that I'm sick of trying. All these years away from home I tried to change the way I think, I thought I was the problem, that's why people treat me this way. I tried to make excuses for you. but now I'm sick of it. I'm sick of everything. I'm shutting myself from everyone, everything. I can't trust anyone anymore. At the end of the day, I will only have myself to go through this shit.

So, thank you.

Thank you for showing that love isn't bounded by blood at all.

Thank you for showing that love isn't about understanding and tolerance. 

Thank you for pushing me to the edge so I will learn the real meaning of life.

I'm not the kind of person that rants on social media but I did posted something on my insta story for close friends. Only 3 people asked what was up / if I'm okay -- others just commented on how I met the MOH. Lol. One of them asked me face to face while we were in the car and I almost broke down at that moment. Luckily it was a short drive, or else he'd have to face with a mental breakdown me. 

So, note to self : don't post things like that anymore.

tell me how

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
I almost forgot I still have this blog. I rarely update; the last I wrote was last year and yeah that's pretty much eons ago.

So, what's new since then?

I stopped having eating disorder last september and thanks to zhar pizza, I've gained back those weights I've lost. No regrets, I love eating. I had some few rough patches here and there; not sure for worse or better but it happened. (honestly I think it's for the worse) oh yeah, I graduated. Yeah, that's pretty much sums up last 9 months.

I'm going back home for good in a week plus and I'm absolutely terrified. I've been here for almost 9 and a half years and I don't think I'd know how to live back at home. I always feel out of place whenever I'm home for the summer break and I was always glad and excited to be here. I haven't actually got a grasp on the idea yet but I know it's happening and I know I'm nowhere near ready. I'll need time to adjust myself back and knowing what's in store for me just makes me so worried and scared.

For some reason, I've becoming more and more cold towards people around me for I feel tired to please them. I'm no people-pleaser type of person but I hate to make things uncomfortable for others. I try to accommodate when I can -- because I know I'm okay with anything. It was always going someone's way rather than mine some things because I was okay with it. Recent months, I stopped to care altogether. I just think it's wearing me down so much I won't bother to try anymore -- especially when I know you're not gonna do the same for me or you're not worth it. Somehow I became bitter about most things. I slowly excused myself from non-worth friendship and let it just be a platonic one where we can say 'hi' and talk about the weather but nothing too personal. I shut myself down from most people. Come to think of it, it's kinda sad that most people don't really know me but then again that's my own doing. I don't let people in.

Well, yeah. If you're not worth the time and effort, I won't let you in. I can just tell about some personal stuff but that doesn't mean we're tight. I don't trust anyone easily. I keep things to myself most of the time for that specific reason. Some days when it hurts so bad, so so bad that I can't feel anything else but pain. It was too painful and there were the days I feel like just killing myself so the pain would stop. Alhamdulillah I wasn't that insane. Whenever I have those days I'll stop seeing everyone. I just sit at home and avoid everyone. I tried and forced myself to go to class but it was too overwhelming that I couldn't take it. Even when I was already in the class I'll just take my stuff and leave immediately when it gets bad. Yes, I have quite a lot of otrabotka for the final semester by doing that.

I was slowly losing hope on everything. I felt that I trusted the wrong person. I felt betrayed and I just can't handle people lying to my face; especially those who supposed to care about me. That's the thing with expectation on people. They'll ruin you, slowly and deadly.

I started (or more like, continued) to abuse myself in some ways. I purposely did the things I know I shouldn't be doing because I felt like nothing matters. Nothing. I was thinking, "everything effed up  anyway, why not ruined it all the way?"

No matter how hard I try to get people to understand what I was feeling and am feeling, I'm the only that truly knows and understands. So, there's no point of telling, right?

So tell me how.