eating disorder

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

To those who knew me, this will be something impossible to happened. Even when I was hospitalized for my surgery my appetite didn't affected at all. I'm a girl who loves food and loves to eat. 

Couple of post back I've mentioned of losing my appetite every now and then. Last month, the situation got worse a little. I've gotten sick of food even when I'm supposedly famished. I felt nauseated after having few bites and was struggling to keep them in and not to throw up. There was once the girls came over and we had dinner together in a tray. I wanted to eat so I forced myself a little (also felt guilty cos she cooked for us) but I couldn't. I ended up crying later because I was so disappointed. 2 weeks of these, I've started to lose weight. It's not something I should be proud of because it's a freaking eating disorder. I got sad for a while but determined to eat better.

There are days I've eaten well whenever I'm with the girls. It came to a point that whenever I didn't feel nauseated I'd eat as much as I can - thinking I'll be compensating what I've lost. Turned out I've lose weight after another 2 weeks. I started to feel stressed out because of this. There was one day in class I had panic attack just because I couldn't bring myself to finish a snickers bar when the day before I barely ate. Some days I'd just fast because that's easier to be done than eating. At least there are some pahala for fasting, right?

I was open about this matter with few of my close friends. They encouraged me to eat. Some even tried to spoon fed me. (Yes it was that bad) and they were the victims whenever I couldn't finish my food, I'd asked them to finish it. 😏 But yes they are gems. They even suggested to eat spicy food so that my appetite will grow. It helps once in a while. I low-key worried of my gastric linings as I have had history of gastritis.

Come to think of it, this isn't the first time it's happening but it's the longest run so far. It happened earlier this year (when I posted here) and at that time I turned to this one friend and told her about this and guess what she said? "It's really good that you're losing weight". Look, I know I could have been needing the weight lost but this isn't what I'm looking for. It's depressing to have this because it's something that is not healthy. I didn't work out or anything. It's not good. So I stopped talking to her about this. She's still my friend, of course. But I just don't tell her about this matter anymore.

It also came to a point that I'd find it's offensive if someone said I look like I've lost weight. To which I'd reply no, I'm the same. The other day my friend was in a mood to buy food for me to which I ended up eating 1/3 of it; I asked him to finish it and he said jokingly "are you on a diet?" And i was super offended 😂 I just smiled and said the food is not nice.

Nowadays it's nothing to be worry much because it's the month of Ramadhan so I'll be fasting happily. I don't feel like checking my weight because I'm scared to know. I hope this shall pass! It's gonna be 2 months soon. Wait. It passed 2 months. Damn. 

unexpected

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

when we were having oncology cycle last week; as usual, we were given questions to answer about certain topics. that one particular day topic was lymphoma. when i got to know, my mind started to wander. it reminded me the day when ayah emailed me his biopsy results after he had his inguinal lymph node remove. it was angioblastic lymphoma. with a very poor connection on my phone, i went and search for that email. i wanted to read the reports once more. i wasn't sure why, but i wanted to. i went through such trouble because my phone data was dead so i had to wait till the class ended so i could search for better connection. once i read it, i was frozen. this isn't the first time i read the report, so what gives? i threw my phone on my lap, i sat down at the couch, still froze.

"akak okay ke kak?" my groupmate asked.

i kept quite, just stared blankly

"kenapa kak? akak ok tak ni?" he asked again.

"yeah im okay." i answered swiftly without moving my head.

he and the rest of them wore their jackets and bid me goodbye. i was supposed to wait for my friend to finish her class anyway, so i just sat down and stare at my phone. suddenly, i broke into tears. it was really pouring like a broken dam. i had no idea where all of these came from. i couldn't stop crying for minutes. i couldn't understand why i was crying though. not PMS for sure, too early for my cycle. it wasn't a brand new info; i've always known what was ayah's diagnose. but why it got to me real bad? why it was so painful and unbearable?

i texted my brother and of course, he just replied with an emoji. (busy lah tu, hmph *rolls eyes*) after i finally had my cool, my friend told me she just finished her class and on her way down. i composed myself and walked with her to the bus stop.

"akak selsema ke nangis" she asked casually

"nangis" i muttered. i really had no mood to beat around the bush now.

"ada masalah dengan anyone ke?"

"nope" 

then we went on talking about other things. out of the blue;

"tau dah kenapa akak nangis. masalah dalaman kan?" she brought up the topic once more

"hm not really. do you really wanna know why i cried?" she nodded yes to that. 

so i told her what happened and teared again. i felt that if i didn't explain, she's just gonna keep wondering why. then we dropped the topic. we went to the stores with the other girls, shopped, laughed and all. i thought i was going to be alright.

i was dead wrong.

i went home, distract myself with some video and what-not. suddenly broke into tears again. i was not in the mood at all. whoever texted me for favours were declined and rejected. just when i thought i've pulled myself together and tried to do my work, i couldn't do a thing. i wasn't even feeling alive. all the wrong and uncanny thoughts crossed in my mind. i wanted to do the most unspeakable things. i just wanted the pain go away. it was frustrating when i felt that my prayers don't calm me at that moment.

i couldn't bring myself to go to class. even when it was the final class and yeah it was important to attend it. i couldn't care less. i just wanna sleep so that i won't have to deal with the pain. it was so unbearable, then it became all numbed out. when afeq told me her kitten died, i had no feelings left anymore. i do feel obliged to feel sorry so i told her that but deep inside i was like, meh.

in the evening i decided to take a walk in the park. there is a park nearby my house but i only like that one particular park. i sat there, for God knows how long, and just cry. talked myself some sense and when i was finally done, i composed myself and went to get things done. things that needed to be done.

i went home. i thought it was all alright. when a friend asked what happened, i told him and broke down in tears again. but it was a short brief amount of time so i guess i was healing already.

it's funny. when you think you've got all your shit together but in reality it seems that they were just buried somewhere and just waiting the time to burst. honestly, this past year has never been so depressing for me. i am wondering if it means that all these while i wasn't dealing with them very well, i was just burying them and now one by one coming out to haunt me. great.

it's been a while

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
Salam and hello.

First of all, alhamdulillah alaa kulli hal. I passed my exams even though right in my heart I know I don't deserve it if we were to measure upon efforts; but Allah is as merciful and loving as ever. I said before I wasn't able to concentrate but, He blessed me with love. On another note, my dark clouds parted and I feel better nowadays. I stopped having panic attacks for the time being and I can feel I am slowly 'healing'.

I still have the struggle to keep my emotions intact when it comes to empathy. Few friends are having deep issues and I feel I am breaking with them. I feel as if literally I was the one in their shoes. There are days I feel a little down but I honestly don't feel as dark as last month. I'm still unsure if this is a good thing or a bad thing?

Couple of days ago, I read mato's hiatus book and it breaks me as well. As I could relate most of his story and I couldn't get it out of my head. Not going to give any spoilers here, you just have to read it yourself. Another thing I was particularly keen of one of his tweets. He said, he actually refused to give advises to others nowadays as most of them will bite him back. Hard. That's what happened and happening to me. In the al-Quran in chapter 61 verse 2, Allah address to the mukminin, "why do you say what you do not do?" and I'm flowing with tears already. This isn't the first time I've heard of this verse yet I kept forgetting the essence of it. Apparently who I am today is the exact opposite of who was before. I'm not sure if I like this person I'm becoming to be. Heck, I'm not even sure what to feel. I'm just too numbed out, maybe?

I'm on my way to finding myself. Some soul searching stuff, yknow? I can feel there's a glimpse of hope growing slowly. That alone already makes me feel slightly better. 

Contemplating

I so want to pass this exam on the first try because it will be pain in the butt if I don't do so. I have been saying this since october/november itself. But now I'm just not able to put myself together for this exam. The previous 2 exam I dragged so badly and alhamdulillah I made it through. This one, I don't know how I'm going to make it. Everything is just scattered and I can actually feel I'm going kinda insane. I don't know what to do, I don't want to talk about it to anyone because it feels like I'm ranting the same thing again and again and people can't relate or they're just sick of hearing the same thing. I keep letting down myself again and again, knowing that it's doing no good but I can't help it. I wanna cry but I can't cry anymore. I was crying watching some dramedy show and when I rewatch it the next day I've no feelings anymore. I think my heart has darkened. I'm trying to fix myself. I am. and I will.

Remember how we used to like ourselves?What little light that's left, we need to keep it sacredI know that you're afraid to let all the dark escape yaBut we could let the light illuminate these hopeless places

idle

I'm Not Okay

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
I don't know where to begin..

This clearly isn't the best time to write a post, considering I have exams next week and I barely read anything -- but I think I need to pen it down.

I wasn't sure what I was going through for the past couple of months. Heck, I am still unsure of it. I was having panic attacks and it was getting more frequent. I'd like to think I could manage things through but apparently I couldn't because it is still haunting me. As I write these down, I can feel such anxiety started to hover me. It's not even out for the world yet, and I already feel crappy.

I don't know what happened or triggered that made me this way but one thing for sure, I don't feel like the same person I was few months back. I'm starting to lose myself as days passed by and I was just living one day after another. I started to lose appetite, gained them back and lost it then it came back. Like a tennis ball being hit back and forth.

I spoke to few people about it, just the surface of it. Some asked whether I was stressed. I don't think I was, to be honest, because it all feels normal with no addition stress or whatsoever. I then realised that maybe certain things that happened before, was still lingering and I wasn't getting over them. It was buried deep inside and now it finally is eating me up. It didn't feel like a big of a deal or maybe I'm just in denial? I don't know, man.

Lately, there are so many people I care and love were sad, broken and just lost; I couldn't do anything to help and I just feel I am breaking too, inside.

When you think when you get older you'd figure things out and turns out - you can get lost along the way.