simply

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

tiba-tiba rasa nak menulis.

atas dasar & reason apa, aku tak pasti.

*melihat ayat tadi, menggelengkan kepala*

ayat rojak aku makin menjadi-jadi. dan menurut mama, ayat bahasa melayu aku pun tak berapa nak betul. sesetengah perkataan aku guna, kurang sesuai dengan keadaan.

aku rindu suasana kursk. sebab kat sana constantly ramai orang. walaupun kadang kala aku perlu untuk bersendirian, I still like the atmosphere. rindu dengan suasana riuh, ramai-ramai, gelak ketawa release tension belajar. aku balik malaysia macam takde sangat purpose. boleh dikatakan buang duit dan buang masa. aku cuba manfaatkan masa. cuba untuk spend time with my family. aku tak rapat dengan family aku sangat, tapi aku takde lah renggang dengan mereka. I'm just 'okay' with them. nak kata aku lepak dengan kawan, tak jugak. jumpa mereka yang perlu. the best friend, the close friends and certain kawan yang lama tak jumpa. part of me tak nak jumpa sangat dengan orang sebab aku rasa takde point pun. plus, attitude dorang buatkan aku LAGIlah tak nak jumpa dorang. *sinister smile*

berbalik kepada spending time with family. aku memang fail dalam communication with other people. dari dulu lagi. tapi ntah macamana ntah aku ok la sikit sekarang. dan aku paling tak suka bual kosong. sebab aku akan rasa kosong. so if I don't have anything to say, I won't say anything. so apalah yang aku buat? duduk diam, senyum dan respond apabila ditanya. percaya atau tak, macam tu lah aku dengan family. boleh dikatakan aku fly on the wall. orang tak perasan aku ada kat tempat tu kadang2. kalaulah abang tak bercakap dengan aku, aku pun tak bercakap. melainkan ada benda nak ditanya. aku tak rasa nak bercerita pasal life aku sebab aku rasa benda tu irrelevant melainkan aku nak mintak advise ke apa ke.

mungkin dengan kawan-kawan seperjuangan situasi dia lain la. banyak benda nak dicakap sebab we have things in common. aku teringat yang Ivin cakap kalau age gap besar between siblings, susah sikit nak relate to each other. haha. quite true lah.

peliklah. I was so used to me being alone in the house last time. cos abang and kakak have their own life, all that's left in the house is the three of us - my mom, my dad and I. my parents are always out working and I was always alone in the house. now, dah biasa dengan hostel life yang constantly ramai orang, I don't like staying alone. I'm prone to do stupid things when I'm alone. tak berfikir secara rasional.

*grunts*

benci bila aku mula melayankan perasaan.

-

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

tak tau macamana tapi, benda dah terjadi.

aku emosional secara tiba-tiba. aku rasa benda ni hormonal sebab aku perempuan. tapi, still. kenapa harus aku berkelakuan begitu?

aku rasa serba tak kena.

rasa down.

sebab aku tau apa puncanya dan aku masih di takuk lama, tak maju ke hadapan.

aku rasa aku tak mempunyai kekuatan, dan aku sebenarnya tak pernah rasa aku ada kekuatan untuk hadapinya. aku rasa nak rewind balik pada masa tu. masa yang aku tak rasa apa yang aku rasa sekarang ni. pada masa yang aku maju ke hadapan, dan tidak sedikit pun menoleh ke belakang.

aku tahu apa yang aku perlukan. aku pernah ada. tapi sekarang ianya hilang.

aku perlu belajar mendapatkannya semula. tapi terasa sangat berat kakiku untuk melangkah.

aku perlu lawan sifat pessimist aku.

seriously i dont know what's wrong with me.

just because of these things, i feel like throwing other things away. far far far away.

i need to set things straight.

i need to.

i have to.

i want to.

*inhale*

Ya Allah, permudahkanlah segala urusanku.

you gave "love" a bad name.

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

have you ever heard of that song?
you gave love a bad name? google it. no need. it means what it means. you gave LOVE a bad name!

i'm not gonna talk about love.

i'm not gonna talk about bon jovi. (yeap, it's a song from bon jovi)

i'm talking about people who gave islam a bad name.

last night i had dinner with my parents, my uncle and his chinese friend. his friend, who is totally not speaking malay or english, communicated with us in mandarin & body/sign language. amazingly, we somehow managed to understand each other. and at one point, we were talking about me studying in russia. and he went russia = vodka. i was like, yeah, it's their thing. my mom told him we muslims can't drink liquors and such. (he drinks) and he was like, no no no. the muslims in moscow drinks. and i think my face went =.=" eventhough deep inside, i knew what he was talking about.

i wanted to say, those who constantly remembers god wouldn't do such things. but since language is a barrier there and i didn't really wanna start a debate, i kept quiet.

another thing that's been bothering me is mainly the people here. i think ive had this problem before this. i'm not a people person. so. here we go.

i think i am being judgemental and all. but girls, you give islam a bad name.

oklah. you wear tudung. nak berfesyen. idk whats the name of it, but you ikat rambut mcm bun pastu ikat tinggi2, then pin the tudung so it will look fittingly 'awesome'. i'd say fine, you dont know about the hadith. i also found out few months back la. ok, dimaafkan mungkin.

another, wear tudung scarf. scarf selalunya pendek. so it just wrapped up your head nicely. ok. jarang lagi tu. mhm. then the baju you wear, besar betul neckline dia.. jadi? bertudung scarf, tapi baju punyalah hot. nampak collarbone cik adik. ini ke definition bertudung tapi seksi? mungkin dia tak tau jugak. (cant blame her, aite?)

idk lah dia betul2 tak tahu atau buat2 tak tau. parah. sebab. ok la im not perfect myself tapi im sad because other non-muslims that really don't know anything about islam will look at these people and think , "oh, islam like this la eh?" not everyone has the initiative to ask about these things. and sadly, if these people were asked about certain things about islam, i don't think they can really answer well to the non-muslims.

plus, the non-muslims would like to believe what they see, rather than to ask and find out.

"my friend, X is a muslim! but we go and have a drink (beer) every weekend".
their conclusion : muslims can drink. why dont YOU drink?
why cant their conclusion be : X is not a muslim ?

islam = terrorist.
why terrorist? bcos certain people jihad and initiate a war.
don't you wonder WHY they initiate the war in the first place?
or don't you wonder WHO are these people, really? are they really a muslim by heart, or just a title they carry and misused islam to endanger the other people?
and some still believe that all muslims will go to heaven and the rest will go to hell.

*paused*

i shall not get carry away with my writing this time.

last note :

"how come you dont do this but the other muslim does it?"
"supposedly, we are told not to this."
"really?"
"yeah, its like, your religion told you not to do that, but why do you do it?"
"bcos i don't really follow my religion."
"exactly."

:)