sabar.

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

"Patience is bitter but its fruit is sweet."

It's not easy to be patient.
It is super duper difficult.

Allah uji kita supaya kita lebih mampu bersabar dalam perkara yang lebih besar.
Kalaulah perkara kecil pun kita mudah melenting, macamana kita nak hadapi sesuatu yang lebih besar?

*hela nafas*

Kita ni hanyalah manusia biasa -- yang punya ego, perasaan masing-masing. Cuba kita fikir, sampai bila kita nak 'feed' ego kita? Sampai bila kita nak punya perasaan "Aku pun pandai marah, tahu?!" Sampai bila kita nak rasa "Asyik-asyik aku je yang kena" ataupun "Korang ni tak pernah nak faham situasi aku!" ataupun "Kenapa mesti aku?"

Sometimes Allah letak kita pada tempat yang kita sangatlah tak suka, bersama orang yang sangatlah menjengkelkan pada kita, supaya kita belajar untuk bersabar, belajar untuk toleransi, belajar untuk hidup dengan orang yang bermacam ragam. We are not living alone in this world, we are sharing the world with somebody else, so, takkan lah nak lagak seperti biarlah-ini-hidup-aku-sukati-aku-nak-buat-apa.

Indeed, patience is the key.

Sabar dengan karenah dan ragam orang lain, kerana orang lain juga mungkin sedang bersabar dengan kita. Benar, kita semua punya perasaan dan ego, tetapi tak semestinya kita mengikut perasaan tu. Cuba untuk fikir apakah dengan mengikut perasaan kita tu keadaan akan menjadi lebih baik atau sebaliknya?

Jangan bertindak melulu. Tahanlah mulut dari mengatakan sesuatu yang akan kamu sesali kemudian.

it was time.

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
*text came in*

abang : call me back ASAP

panic mode! cepat-cepat cari intan untuk pinjam voip. well, technically it's my voip but it's only in her phone cos my phone is too 'canggih' to tampung voip.

"intan cepaaaaat, nak voipppp~"

"nah."

"kenapa?"

"abang aku suruh aku call dia." 

*serious rasa tak sedap hati*

"dia rindu kau tu"

"memang tak lah. tak pernah-pernah dia suruh aku call dia."

"hahah tak boleh ke dia rindu"
"i mean message tu pernah la, tapi kalau sampai suruh call sebab rindu, itu poyo."

*dial number abang, hmm tak angkat pula*

takpe lah, baik solat dulu, isyak dah masuk ni.

eh ramai pula nak jemaah, tunggu dulu lah.

*dial once more*

"salamualaikum abang. i called tadi but abang tak angkat. what's up?"

"kau tengah class ke?"

"takde lah, tidur tadi, baru bangun and perasan message abang."
"oh ye ke? hmm adik.. macam ni.. adik, ayah dah takde."

"oh? okay." stunned.

"8.30 malam tadi, ayah...." *he went on but I couldn't hear anything. otak tak dapat process.

"abang, can I go back?" *burst into tears*

"I don't think that's a good idea.."

and the rest of the conversation is a blur to me.

"syahaneez, kenapa?"

"ayah sya. dia.. dia dah.. dah meninggal.." *burst into tears*

and the room was in silence except for me tearing up.

------------

insyaAllah, I am alright. I am okay. it's just, sad.

I just texted him the day before. and he was fine. or so he sounded like fine. was actually arguing with him accidentally blocked me on Line. adoi, punyalah. orang text macam cakap sorang-sorang dia tak reply. rupanya terblock. -_- and he said he's going to some kenduri. i said my goodbye and i told him i love him. ayah being ayah, didn't reply to that. pfft, men and their ego. 

it's sad to know that;

no more random Line texting and calling from far away.

no more random inside jokes when we're at home.

no more seeing his face whenever I landed on Malaysia.

no more making fun of his hair.

no more giving motherly advice on the road to him.

no more discussing on cool and interesting topics that I could never talk to mama. 

no more seeing his random fb post that is amusing to me.

no more having him stalking my fb, twitter and blog.

no more pep talks to not give up on medicine.

no more cool and calm advises on life. 

no more.

the saddest thing is to know that I haven't completely did my part of SH to him. burdened sangat. that's what worries me the most. what if I've failed to be the best muslim to ease his hereafter? Allahu. 

right now, I know everyone's worried. I am okay, insyaAllah.

sushi.

he loves sushi.

I know the girls tried to cheer me up with sushi cos I love sushi. they somehow convinced me to go out for sushi today. I tried to get it through.

but I can't.

makes me misses him more than ever.

unagi.

we both really had the craze on unagi.

 

------------

I hope we'll meet in jannah one day insyaAllah.

and it was the time for you to meet your Rabb 

may Allah ease your hereafter journey.

I am here, always going to pray for you.

you will always be in my heart.

I love you lillahi ta'ala.

and for that, I am letting you go.

for you are not mine, but His.

from Him we came and to Him we shall return.

the truth

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
I've been thinking to blog about this.

perlu? maybe.
just wanna let it out? maybe.

mainly I just wanna point out my side of the story. and it's a long one.

---

as some of you know, I am a medical student in Russia and in summer of 2013 I was in my 3rd year 2nd semester, the peak of the semester in our whole 6 years of education. where, the exams are 5 in total and it's all the killer subjects -- pathphysiology, pathanatomy, propadeutics (internal medicine) general surgery and pharmacology.

as usual, the rule of the university is, you can't sit for your exams until you have completed the academic hour you needed. in other words, you gotta attend all classes and then you are eligible to sit for exams. if you missed/skipped any, you gotta rework the classes you've missed. so, with that rule, having 5 exams means you gotta complete the academical hours for the 5 subjects.

easy right?

so what makes you skip class?
- woke up late (late to class and you will not allowed to enter, depends on the mercy of the teacher)
- not well, sick
- didn't prepare for class (if so, you'd might get screamed at to or just flunk the class with shame)
- lazy (very popular reason that need not to be explained)

as for me, I have so many academical hour debts due to many reasons.
mainly, I was mentally unstable due to reasons I couldn't state here. basically, I wasn't well mentally. but my physical was fine, except of few times cos I had my back ache and such.

I thought to myself, if we were to fall ill physically and we couldn't go to class, what if we're ill mentally/emotionally? ( this is a very dangerous statement, huhu )

truth to be told, my academical hours debt are not as much as other infamous students but the thing is I didn't finish it right away. I was pressured and well, if you know me well enough, whenever I am pressured I couldn't do a thing.

so that summer 2013 ended with myself missing the first seating of those 5 exams due to my own academical hours debt. and I went back to Malaysia with this burden carried over my shoulder.

I brought back the books to be studied, but that didn't work out well. I was hospitalised and did some operations. I tried to study but I felt like it's just not gonna work. Maybe I was just too depressed with my state of physical state, although I keep telling everyone I was fine. Ha. I didn't like the 'attention' and the 'empathy' that they expressed towards me. So I kept telling everyone I was fine and it's all good. but then again, only God knows. I try not to think about the pain so I detour my attention to something else. (which is ended up to no good, Allah, if only I was stable enough not to go to futur state)

Fast forward, I was back in Kursk. I wasn't healed completely so I gotta stand the physical pain I was having. so that slowed things down. I wasn't able to rework my debts right away due to the late tuition payment from MARA. there was this new rule (or an old rule that I didn't know about, sheesh) when you want to take permission to settle your debts, you gotta show the letter saying that you've paid your fees. I've missed about 3 weeks due to this problem. but alhamdulillah it was all settled and I was able to continue with my rework. (you can actually go to the rework without the permission because not all teachers will actually ask for the permission, the thing was, my teachers did ask about it, hah.)

the subjects that i was doing was pathphysiology and pathanatomy. pathphysiology was a breeze, alhamdulillah. but pathanatomy was a challenge. I couldn't answer the questions she gave properly and I had to study really good for that. I even have to do 2-3 times of the same topic due to my lack of knowledge. that I admit, it was my own mistake for not putting much effort. so only in the month of november I was able to finish these debts. so I sat my first exam and it was pathanatomy. alhamdulillah, I passed. that was the only subject I was really into and after that, any exams that I took, I failed again and again. again and again.

pathphysiology is the 'easiest' exam to passed. why? cos the teachers weren't 'strict'. and they practically left the room so the students usually copy during the exam. and me? I had to sit 3 times for pathphysiology due to my own lack of knowledge. I didn't want to copy. it's morally wrong! and I know I am 'stupid' so just live with this. why? simple. cos I didn't study hard enough. I didn't have the sufficient time to study and yet I was still wasting my time doing things I shouldn't be doing and worrying things I shouldn't be worried. who's to blame? me.

honestly, I was so furious whenever people ask me, "why didn't you cheat?"
it's like basically saying, "you know you can't answer it right? why don't you just cheat? why are you wasting your time repeating the same paper when you know you don't have much time to clear up your exams before the dateline passes."

I had the habit of cheating in classes, cos I was so lazy to study and I ended up didn't learn a thing during classes and that ilmu just flew away, and if I learn any, it is without barokah and it's all a waste. Why did I cheat in class? cos everyone's doing it. and serves me right. cheating doesn't get me anywhere.

so after that I was determined, especially for my exams, I don't wanna cheat to pass. If I'm not good enough, let me live in the consequences. I don't study hard enough, I got to live with that consequences. Why cheat when you know Allah wouldn't approve it even though in the teacher's record you passed. and I can't live with that.

so there you have it. why do I keep failing for my exams, why do I keep wasting my time, up untill now (december) I've only managed to finish 2 exams, which was pathanatomy and pathphysiology. so I got to repeat my semesters due to this unfinished exams and also due to new syllabus of the students at the moment, I probably need to repeat in the 3rd year 1st semester next february. that is like 1 and a half year wasted. money and time wasted. but as long my parents were okay with it (of cos they were mad but eventually they grasp the idea of this) and I'm fine, so let me be.

if I heard something like "tu lah, budak usrah tapi pavto gak." better than "tu lah, budak usrah tapi meniru gak time hekzem". janganlah kerana my own stupidity, usrah dan Islam tu dipersalahkan pulak. adehhh. -_-

I'm so worried if this would be a fitnah to Islam & usrah. so this is why I'm writing all of these. to clear things up.

and yes, I am alright with repeating semesters. insyaAllah. buat apa nak sedih/takut/marah sedangkan ini adalah akibat perbuatan sendiri. pandai buat, pandai la tanggung. ye dok?

ehh, I don't know why I don't like it when I'm okay with it and people be like "kesiannyaaa kamu..."

there was a time, after failing my exam and my friend would be like, "kau okay ke?" and she asked so many times. worried. and I'll be like "aku okay la." and then she came and hugged me. LOL. aku okay. just aku mungkin annoyed kena tanya banyak kali begitu. apa kamu mahu dengar aku kata "aku tak okay. aku fail. aku mau menangis."? hahahah. tak payah kot nangis kerana exam dunia. :P

but then, if I say I'm not disappointed, it will be a lie.
I am disappointed with myself. tu je. rasa macam nak cekik diri sendiri for not putting enough effort. huhu. maybe of the lack of passion and love compared to DnT. It's hard when you're doing something  you don't love. whenever there's hardship you are easily feel down and pessimist about stuff. insyaAllah I wanna improve this. huhu.

other than that, I'm okay. I don't even blame MARA for the late payment, the teachers for not letting me to do reworks everyday, for not letting me to sit for exam if I don't have 3 days gap, for failing me, for making me to repeat 3 semesters.

those are the rules, and that happened for their own reason. why should I blame them for complicating my rework/exam when the MAIN fault is me having the academical debts & sitting late for exams? kan?

whatever happens to you, reflect upon yourself first before pointing fingers to others.
jangan kerana tersepak batu kerana cuai disalahkan batu kerana berada di situ.

:)

beautiful lasers

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

Sometimes living in a world like this
It's pretty hard not to go insane
Not pretty if you don't comply
Pretty easy if you don't complain
Stand there like you don't feel pain
No tears in the face of defeat
Pretend til the end that you don't feel change
Don't admit that your faith is weak
Don't say that you feel like dying
Life's hard and it feels like diamonds
Your home's just far too gone
Much too late to even feel like trying
Can't understand what I'm saying
Can't figure out what I'm implying

I gotta keep remember that no one is going to help me but myself and Him.

ar-ruhul jadid

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful. ar-ruhul jadid.
that means, new spirit

this new spirit, this inner peace is amazing.

and you know what? it only comes from Him.
and whether you like it or not, that is in fact the truth.
I've tried so many 'things' whenever I'm down, or stressed our and nothing worked out, really.
it did make me forget of my problems for a while and then I'm back to reality and I'd still feel all stressed-out.

it's hard, I do believe so it is, to make the first step on getting yourself back together. for a moment I tried to do so, I feel so weird and feels like stopping whatever I was doing back then and I just wanna lie down and stare at the ceiling, doing nothing. I wanna drown my thoughts so I turned up the volume of the song, I sleep more because the reality sucks. sigh.

but then when you push yourself towards Him, I believe He will 'settle' your problems eventually.
how?

by giving you an inner peace so that you can think rationally and realistically how to solve whatever problem you're having.
by giving you strength, to endure whatever you have been putting up for
by giving you patience, to wait for the unknown outcomes
by giving you everything you need to overcome your problem.

truly, I myself is juggling between few major things and I always tell myself not to worry because He had everything planned for me, I just gotta work on my part of the job and leave everything else to Him.
despite what everybody is telling me, despite of how everyone's point of view of whatever I'm doing.

I know I'm doing the right thing, it takes time. cos I'm just too slow (or stupid) to understand things. haha.

of course I had my days whereby I panicked, cried, shout out loud etc but I'll make sure that I only let Him knows that and no one else. (okay, by saying so I'm basically telling everyone about this. embarrassing! but hey, my point is, it's normal to have these kinds of moments, okay?)

"tie your camel and put trust in Allah"
put an effort, and leave it to Him!

everything, and I mean e v e r y t h i n g in this world belongs to Him. ask Him and He shall respond to your prayers. He'll never let us down, on the contrary, He is always there for us whenever we had no one else around. :')

let us all pray for the better us and pray so that we won't be opt out from His guidance and love. :)

sometimes I feel like bursting out, taking it out on someone or something but it isn't worth it.
and being angry to an angry person isn't doing any good. -- irrelevant to the post, but it's just a thought.


have a wonderful day people.

#mayAllahbless
#peace
#ishouldbestudying
#inspiredtowritehowlah
#betterworkhardonmyself
#itsabloghashtagsdontworkright