Contemplating

I so want to pass this exam on the first try because it will be pain in the butt if I don't do so. I have been saying this since october/november itself. But now I'm just not able to put myself together for this exam. The previous 2 exam I dragged so badly and alhamdulillah I made it through. This one, I don't know how I'm going to make it. Everything is just scattered and I can actually feel I'm going kinda insane. I don't know what to do, I don't want to talk about it to anyone because it feels like I'm ranting the same thing again and again and people can't relate or they're just sick of hearing the same thing. I keep letting down myself again and again, knowing that it's doing no good but I can't help it. I wanna cry but I can't cry anymore. I was crying watching some dramedy show and when I rewatch it the next day I've no feelings anymore. I think my heart has darkened. I'm trying to fix myself. I am. and I will.

Remember how we used to like ourselves?What little light that's left, we need to keep it sacredI know that you're afraid to let all the dark escape yaBut we could let the light illuminate these hopeless places

idle

I'm Not Okay

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
I don't know where to begin..

This clearly isn't the best time to write a post, considering I have exams next week and I barely read anything -- but I think I need to pen it down.

I wasn't sure what I was going through for the past couple of months. Heck, I am still unsure of it. I was having panic attacks and it was getting more frequent. I'd like to think I could manage things through but apparently I couldn't because it is still haunting me. As I write these down, I can feel such anxiety started to hover me. It's not even out for the world yet, and I already feel crappy.

I don't know what happened or triggered that made me this way but one thing for sure, I don't feel like the same person I was few months back. I'm starting to lose myself as days passed by and I was just living one day after another. I started to lose appetite, gained them back and lost it then it came back. Like a tennis ball being hit back and forth.

I spoke to few people about it, just the surface of it. Some asked whether I was stressed. I don't think I was, to be honest, because it all feels normal with no addition stress or whatsoever. I then realised that maybe certain things that happened before, was still lingering and I wasn't getting over them. It was buried deep inside and now it finally is eating me up. It didn't feel like a big of a deal or maybe I'm just in denial? I don't know, man.

Lately, there are so many people I care and love were sad, broken and just lost; I couldn't do anything to help and I just feel I am breaking too, inside.

When you think when you get older you'd figure things out and turns out - you can get lost along the way.