There are days you are hardly holding yourself together, to do keep on doing things you need to do; for your own good. There comes a time where you are at the edge; barely stepping on the ground. Yes, it is exhausting and difficult.
Others wouldn't know you are struggling deep inside and the simple little things they say might trigger you. The next thing you know, you are already on the ground. Broken.
No, they don't mean it. They have no clue of what's going on in your head. All they see is you smiling, talking happily to your friends. They don't see the frown behind that smile. Nobody could. All they said is "You look terrible" because you usually looked better. That little comment runs through your head and then all that rants just keep flowing in.
Of course I looked terrible. I've been crying to my sleep, sleeping more than usual and battling my thoughts all week. If I could pull off a better look, I deserved an oscar. You had no idea how hard this is. You never asked whether I'm okay or alright or whether I'm fine. You just cared on how did I look? That's it. Thaaat's it!
Yea, that was kinda clean. My head sometimes screamed profanities while my facial expression remains calm. Don't ask why. I regret and ashamed of it as well.
But yes, that small thing that triggers is meant for you. God is testing your faith, dear. Whether you'll break down and cry to Him or break down and lost, astray from Him.
So what you gotta do?
Istighfar. You've been through a lot. You need some cleanse for your soul. Istighfar calms you and reminds you that it is human to make mistakes but you should seek for forgiveness.
Wudhu'. Amazingly, the water will calms you. The gesture of having your face, arms, head, feet washed is just wonderful. It also as if those little sins are washed away together with the water. Do it slowly. Feel the water flows.
Read the al-Quran. There are so many powerful verses in the al-Quran that could soothe your wound. Read its arabic and the translation. Allah doesn't bear anything upon you without knowing you can overcome it. This is a fact. Maybe you tend to forget this, but that's what al-Quran is about, to remind us. Human tends to forget. We are created in such manner, that's why we need to be reminded again and again.
Doa. Always and always pray to Allah to have a better heart, to be strong, sabar, istiqamah and tsabat in this deen. Allah never let a prayer unanswered. It might not be answered right away, but that shouldn't stop you from praying all day, everyday. :)
And when My servants ask you, [O Muhammad], concerning Me - indeed I am near. I respond to the invocation of the supplicant when he calls upon Me. So let them respond to Me [by obedience] and believe in Me that they may be [rightly] guided.
al-baqarah: Chapter 2, Verse 186
I've been feeling this a lot this past two weeks, and I'm telling myself not to break down and go astray; instead, find Him and find peace within His words and love. It's hard, having to deal with the things you can't describe. I wonder if this is a verge of my depression, trying to kick in. I hope I could overcome this matter. Biiznillah. 💪🏼