nonsense whatsoever.

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
I've been juggling with my emotions lately.
I'm trapped in the middle of something uncertain, and I feel confused.
I fear that day by day my heart sink and never able to surface once more.

I really feel lost without tarbiyyah. I haven't got some proper usrah lately, so I'm depending on the tarbiyyah dzatiyah itself, which has MANY ups and downs. Like, probably many downs. I know usrah isn't the only source of tarbiyyah, but I just feel so empty without them. I missed my support systems, and to tell you the truth, at times I feel so alone.

I convinced myself whenever I feel alone, it's time to turn to Allah and trust Him completely without depending on anyone. Unfortunately, not every day I was able to convinced myself. There are days I'd stare at the ceiling of my double decker bed and just cry myself to sleep. This feels hard, this feels so difficult to swallow alone. I have no one to completely talk about this rationally. The burden seems so heavy and it just kills me slowly.

No, I do not want to stop my tarbiyyah just because I feel so alone. I promise myself not to ever step out of this, even though life could be so much easier and less complicated without it. I need to be able to clear myself out, so I can decide what to do, and how to solve the problems.

sigh.

some things change

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
And I’m not sure if this is for the better or worse.

I’ve becoming more and more silent, rather than speaking out loud my stand and choices. I’m trying to figure out the right way to say things but it turned out to be a silent at the end.

qowiyy!

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
feels I'm obliged to jot down a post, even though it truly has been ages since I last posted something. to be honest, I was quite surprised with my birthday gift to myself. haha. (note that, I scheduled that post in August for November 8th, so yeah)

I think it was really funny yet serious - funny because I actually used the term "ana" instead of "aku" but I understand, I was in the mood of that. but seriously though, I do not use the term with them here.

I've missed blogging.

I've missed it so bad, I actually write a long paragraph on my instagram posts with irrelevant photos.

I've missed having Ayah, Kakak commenting on my posts. yes, my friends too. it's just not the blogspot era anymore. people now digs something else I supposed. *roll eyes*

I've been through a lot, that I couldn't crammed every single thing in my memory space. but reading through the posts make me realised that I've been through a lot. I should be qowiyy (read : strong), right?

I'm in a midst of falling out of the line -- just because I am bored or keeping it all-together because that's the right thing to do.

to stay strong all the time,
I don't know how long I could keep this up.

I always feel that I want someone to complaint to, to tells my frustrations to, but no one could bear my frustrations well except for ayah. (k, gonna cry now) but he's not here now and I'm just stuck between my own self conscience and rebellious self. That's part of growing up, I supposed.

yes, it can be compensated. to tell your worries only to Him.
to hold on to Him and only Him.
to love Him entirely with your heart and soul.

I'm trying.
and I pray for steadfastness and lots of sabr.

cos I can feel that my heart out -- palpitation, and feels like about to blow up.