tak layak..

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
bila mana ana duduk bersama akhowat qowiy belaka, ana rasa ana tak layak pun menjadi sebahagian muayyid. ana pernah bertanya kepada murabbiah ana, apakah ciri-ciri seorang muayyid? bagaimana seseorang itu ditas'id kepada muayyid? maka murabbiah ana pun bercerita ciri-ciri nya begitu dan begini; ana fikir, mungkin murabbiah ana fikir ana bertanya kerana ana ingin mentas'id adik usrah ana, tapi hakikatnya, ana ingin tahu adakah ana mencapai ciri-ciri tersebut.

ada satu-dua ciri ana tak lepas, kalau difikirkan. tapi mungkin juga KPI mereka lepaskan je ana dengan harapan ana akan settle dengan ciri yang tak lepas tu. tapi, selalu sangat terfikir yang ana memang tak layak untuk semua ni..

ada juga hari yang ana pujuk diri sendiri, guna kata-kata hikmah murabbiah, berusahalah untuk menjadi yang terpilih. somehow Allah dah pilih ana dalam jalan ni, walaupun ana tahu ana tak layak langsung, tapi just work things out and make it worth of His choice.

rasa malu dan segan, sebab diri ana sememangnya tak layak bersama jemaah ini. tapi ana sangat inginkan bersama mereka, merasai biah solehah itu. i may not be the pearl of the ummah, tapi murabbiah sekali lagi meyakinkan, ana adalah antara yang terbaik pada tempat ini dan waktu ini untuk melangsungkan dakwah.

ana tak sabar untuk melaungkan dakwah secara terang, tanpa perasaan bimbang jahiliyah serta perangai ana sendiri menjadi fitnah kepada dakwah.

sungguhlah benar, ujian orang lain-lain.

doakan ana tsabat, dan istiqamah dalam jalan ini.


-written in August 2015, posted in November 2015, as a birthday present to myself. :)
semoga amal bertambah dan ikhlas menuju redhaNya, wahai diri.

Fav Surah

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
"What's your fav surah to read?" asked my friend.
"Hmm, al-a'laa I think." I answered.
•••••
The surah holds memories even though it's not related with its asbabul nuzul. The fav surah I've memorised when I was little and I went up to ayah and said, "guess which surah with 19 ayat I've memorised?" He went on like, "there are few surahs with 19 ayat. Why don't you tell me which?" And I happily recited that surah. Hehe.
Also I found out abang likes that surah too. (:
Whenever I read the surah I'll think of these two fav men in my life. 🌸

Tazkirah Sentap

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
Supposedly 8.30 i left the hostel to vokzal. Somehow after got out of the room i realised it's already 8.38. Waaaa? Obviously not gonna make it. But i tried anyway.
Got there, a russian uncle said," the train has left." "I know," i replied. "You should sleep less!" he said once more.
Pergh sentap haaabis!
Now wondering to myself;
Is this happening cos I didn't have the full heart of katibah/usrah? Allah hates my intention. Huuuu 😭
I feel so undeserve and useless, really. Sad not cos I miss the train. But sad cos I think Allah hates my intention.

Placebo

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
Currently in the midst of confusion, whereby I feel so frustrated and disappointed with the system here and myself for actually not being a genius.
But.
I felt loads better after talking to abang. Although i didn't address what was the reason i was upset about, we just talked about our usual discussion and that really calms me. He didn't even have to try i guess. Is this a placebo effect of love? Acewah. Suddenly I'm clear of what I'm supposed to do now. Well actually I've known it all along, I just need someone to remind me to. And I hope I'd be that someone for him too. 🌹

-

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
It so happens that the moment you wanted to focus on things in life that are matters to you; you start to have doubts. Is this the life for me? Is this the journey for me? That was-was was aweful.
Then came along the times that you started to dreamt of those who had left the dunya. Everyday. And it just tempered with your conditions slightly worse.
I'm missing the whole point here. What am I doing with my life, seriously?
Am I living my life for dunya or for akhirah?

Say No to Procrastination!

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

"If you're in the evening, don't think you're gonna see the morning. If you're in the morning, don't think you're gonna see the evening. Make the best of your health, before you're sick. Make the best of your life, before you die." - translation of 40th hadith from Imam Nawawi.

Let's be firm about this, say no to procrastination. It literally put you in bad situation later. I haven't got the chance to beat this procrastination yet but I am trying to and determine to kick it out from my life. I already have tonnes of work piled up on my desk and it's going nowhere. Frankly speaking, writing out this post does not really help either but I have really missed writing and you might realised how bad is my grammar now. *sigh* I haven't logged on in here for a really long time; and commenting in kak Aisyah's page really triggered me. I hope and wish all the best to kak Aisyah in her conquest of building awesome murabbi out there. It is true; there are so many people who wanted to join usrah/halaqah but there are not many who are able and want to become a murabbi. It's like a booster for me; to prepare myself here to become a murabbi when I will go back for good. In the mean time, I gotta deal with the things that will get me through this university in order to graduate. Allahu yusahhil! As for writing, I will write more and more when I have the chance. And I do hope I'd get the chance to actually share good things with others, insyaAllah.