Ayahku (Part VI)

"Aku rasa dia macam tahu dia akan pergi," said abang, looking towards me. 

"Dia prepare banyak benda before dia pergi. Macam rumah kat Bukit Bayu tu dia siapkan piping pokok kat luar semua tu. Kau taukan style ayah buat kerja biasanya. (Ayah takes time to do stuff)," abang continued. 

Ayah also prepared lots of stuff for mama before he left. Banyak pesanan-pesanan dia. 

"I miss my McGyver," said abang. 

Yeah. Come to think of it memang ayahlah McGyver kami. 

Ayahku (Part V)

That night, he was sent to HKL and the doctors tried to revived him. Standard protocols. 

"Doctor, stop. Tak perlu.." Mama held one of the doctors arm. 

She nodded. 

And filing report with the police was a breeze. All those business was settled then and then. As mama walked out of the room, the corridor was packed with humans. They were all her friends that came to support her. 

***

Abang came over and showered ayah's cold body. Even the pak cik there admitted "senang nak mandikan dia. Semua senang nak uruskan. Bersih." 

The next morning, ayah was brought to Masjid Subang Jaya and prayers was held. Bunch of crowd came to pray for ayah. Abang lead the prayer. And to abang, he has done his part as the rightful son. And I'm sure ayah is so proud of him. 

When mama wanted to give some donations to the imam at the mosque as a token of appreciation, he refused and shook his head,

"Takpa takpa. Tak perlu. Selama saya jadi imam di sini, tak pernah saya nampak ramai datang solat jenazah macam ni." he said sincerely. 

Ayahku (Part IV)

After mama rushed back home in Saffron, she saw ayah almost out of breath. He was supposed to be in the hospital but he insisted to go back home.  Mama was worried. 

"Terima kasih sebab jaga anak-anak dengan baik, ma"

"Laa. Anak you anak I juga. Kita jaga sama-sama, kan?"

"Nanti you jangan duduk sini tau. You balik duduk dengan Charlie. Dia akan jaga you. Dia anak yang baik."

"Kenapa you tak nak duduk dengan I dah ke?"

"I nak balik.."

"You nak balik mana? I nak ikut."

"Tak boleh ma, I balik dulu."

And not too long later, he took his last breath, in her arms.

Ayahku (Part III)

I went to Moscow for New Years holiday with bunch of friends. 

Just when I reached Kursk, that very morning, ayah texted personally using his mobile number. 

Ayah rarely text me directly using his malaysian number. Usually we contact each other via whatsapp, or line. And it's not that often compared to other kids. Huhu. 

"Salam dik. How are you? Dah balik Kursk?"

As soon as I got into my room, I replied him via whatsapp, telling him how I just go back from Moscow, sent him a pic of us in Moscow and talked for a while. It was noon in Malaysia at that time. 

Lastly he said, "skrg otw nk gi wedding anak kawan nama di UM."

"Oh okay. Kirim salam mama. Adik nak tido, hahah. Mengantuk lagi, tak puas tido dalam tren. Nanti kita sembang lagi ehh. Byee ayah. Salamualaikum. 

Love youu 😘"

***

And the next day, late evening in Kursk. Abang texted, "call me back asap". 

And the rest you can read in the previous post "it was time".

Ayahku (Part II)

Sebulan selepas aku tiba di Russia; tiba-tiba dapat mesej dari abang. 

Bukanlah cyst pun, lymph nodes ayah bengkak sebenarnya. Lepas buat test, diorang suspect lymphoma. Kanser darah. Nothing serious. He was on treatment and I was certain he was in good hands. 

20th Nov 2013; 

"Apa cerita rumah?" I asked lightly. 

"Rumah? Kenapa" Abang tak faham. 

"Ntah? I mean orang semua okay ke apa"

"Melor tengah batuk/selsema/demam.  Recovering"

"Kesiannya"

"Ayah tengah go through chemotheraphy. :("

":("

"But we'll be alright. I'm worried about ayah je. What's your view about condition ayah?"

"Hmm he said the tumor is benign kan. And it's at early stage. With the right treatment insyaAllah okay. Risau juga about side effects laa."

":)"

"How's he doing?"

"He's okay"

"Buat apa dia pi jb?"

"Fetch new car"

"Jm7 plat ke?" 

"JPS 5657"

"Ambuii 5657. Nak juga nombor tu."

"5657 tu number apa? Aku tak dapat tangkap. 56 tahun lahir. 57?" 

"I fikir their ic number. Mungkin kebetulan. Ke i mixed up the numbers? Okay abaikan." Malu. Salah teka!

****

"Ayah number 5657 tu apa significantnya?" Abang tanya. Curious. 

Ayah diam, senyum sambil stir his daily cup of coffee. 

Abang puzzled. 

"You dengar tadi Charlie tanya I?" Ayah asked Mama. 

"I've been asking you this. Apa meaning dia?" Mama tanya, berkerut dahi. Dari dulu tanya, ayah tak pernah jawab. 

"Datang 56, pergi 57." He replied shortly. 

****

18th Dec 2013. The day that Ayah's 57th birthday got hijacked by Melor. Funny, cos they had to sing "happy birthday to MELOR!" as both ayah and Melor sitting infront of the birthday cake. Melor loves birthdays; even though it wasn't hers. 

Ayahku (part I)

"Kau tak rindu ayah ke, dik?" tanya Abang. Matanya beralih ke arahku dari televisyen. Pak cik tu sibuk memasak apa entah dalam televisyen tu. Menarik, tapi macam tak lah sedap sangat. 

"Rindu lah, of course. Tapi kan kita kena move on." Ayat penyedap hati. Dengan apa yang sedang berlaku ni, aku lebih rindu ayah. "Kesian kat mama je." Sambungku lagi. 

Abang mengangguk. "Mama lain. Kita kehilangan ayah tapi dia kehilangan cinta hati dia."

Lain, memang lain. Aku sebagai anak pun rasa kekosongan tu, tak tahu apa perasaan mama.

Dari jam 1 pagi hingga jam berapa ntah aku tak pasti; aku dan abang bercerita tentang ayah, tentang kehidupan, tentang agama, tentang masyarakat sekarang. Leka bersembang, tak hirau masa berjalan. Tiba-tiba kakak iparku turun tangga, muka separa sedar. Jam menunjukkan jam 4 pagi. Masa untuk sahur. 

"Tak tidur lagi ke?" tanya kakak, ringkas. 

"Belum lagi. Kitorang bercerita pasal ayah. Tu yang lama tu. Tapi kitorang tak nangis. Kan, adik?" Abang menjawab. 

Aku mengangguk. Sedih memang sedih. Tapi tanpa menitis air mata. Ada mungkin kata ego, ada kata hati keras. Hakikatnya, diri ini sedar air mata tu tidak   membawa apa manfaat buat ayah. 

-------

I decided to write memoirs of ayah. From the stories of the people around him. His love, his children, his family, his friends and neighbours. I feel inspired to do so since most of them tell me their story of ayah. Conversations are based on their stories, so expect some tokok tambah; but the feel is still there. 

sabar.

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

"Patience is bitter but its fruit is sweet."

It's not easy to be patient.
It is super duper difficult.

Allah uji kita supaya kita lebih mampu bersabar dalam perkara yang lebih besar.
Kalaulah perkara kecil pun kita mudah melenting, macamana kita nak hadapi sesuatu yang lebih besar?

*hela nafas*

Kita ni hanyalah manusia biasa -- yang punya ego, perasaan masing-masing. Cuba kita fikir, sampai bila kita nak 'feed' ego kita? Sampai bila kita nak punya perasaan "Aku pun pandai marah, tahu?!" Sampai bila kita nak rasa "Asyik-asyik aku je yang kena" ataupun "Korang ni tak pernah nak faham situasi aku!" ataupun "Kenapa mesti aku?"

Sometimes Allah letak kita pada tempat yang kita sangatlah tak suka, bersama orang yang sangatlah menjengkelkan pada kita, supaya kita belajar untuk bersabar, belajar untuk toleransi, belajar untuk hidup dengan orang yang bermacam ragam. We are not living alone in this world, we are sharing the world with somebody else, so, takkan lah nak lagak seperti biarlah-ini-hidup-aku-sukati-aku-nak-buat-apa.

Indeed, patience is the key.

Sabar dengan karenah dan ragam orang lain, kerana orang lain juga mungkin sedang bersabar dengan kita. Benar, kita semua punya perasaan dan ego, tetapi tak semestinya kita mengikut perasaan tu. Cuba untuk fikir apakah dengan mengikut perasaan kita tu keadaan akan menjadi lebih baik atau sebaliknya?

Jangan bertindak melulu. Tahanlah mulut dari mengatakan sesuatu yang akan kamu sesali kemudian.

it was time.

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
*text came in*

abang : call me back ASAP

panic mode! cepat-cepat cari intan untuk pinjam voip. well, technically it's my voip but it's only in her phone cos my phone is too 'canggih' to tampung voip.

"intan cepaaaaat, nak voipppp~"

"nah."

"kenapa?"

"abang aku suruh aku call dia." 

*serious rasa tak sedap hati*

"dia rindu kau tu"

"memang tak lah. tak pernah-pernah dia suruh aku call dia."

"hahah tak boleh ke dia rindu"
"i mean message tu pernah la, tapi kalau sampai suruh call sebab rindu, itu poyo."

*dial number abang, hmm tak angkat pula*

takpe lah, baik solat dulu, isyak dah masuk ni.

eh ramai pula nak jemaah, tunggu dulu lah.

*dial once more*

"salamualaikum abang. i called tadi but abang tak angkat. what's up?"

"kau tengah class ke?"

"takde lah, tidur tadi, baru bangun and perasan message abang."
"oh ye ke? hmm adik.. macam ni.. adik, ayah dah takde."

"oh? okay." stunned.

"8.30 malam tadi, ayah...." *he went on but I couldn't hear anything. otak tak dapat process.

"abang, can I go back?" *burst into tears*

"I don't think that's a good idea.."

and the rest of the conversation is a blur to me.

"syahaneez, kenapa?"

"ayah sya. dia.. dia dah.. dah meninggal.." *burst into tears*

and the room was in silence except for me tearing up.

------------

insyaAllah, I am alright. I am okay. it's just, sad.

I just texted him the day before. and he was fine. or so he sounded like fine. was actually arguing with him accidentally blocked me on Line. adoi, punyalah. orang text macam cakap sorang-sorang dia tak reply. rupanya terblock. -_- and he said he's going to some kenduri. i said my goodbye and i told him i love him. ayah being ayah, didn't reply to that. pfft, men and their ego. 

it's sad to know that;

no more random Line texting and calling from far away.

no more random inside jokes when we're at home.

no more seeing his face whenever I landed on Malaysia.

no more making fun of his hair.

no more giving motherly advice on the road to him.

no more discussing on cool and interesting topics that I could never talk to mama. 

no more seeing his random fb post that is amusing to me.

no more having him stalking my fb, twitter and blog.

no more pep talks to not give up on medicine.

no more cool and calm advises on life. 

no more.

the saddest thing is to know that I haven't completely did my part of SH to him. burdened sangat. that's what worries me the most. what if I've failed to be the best muslim to ease his hereafter? Allahu. 

right now, I know everyone's worried. I am okay, insyaAllah.

sushi.

he loves sushi.

I know the girls tried to cheer me up with sushi cos I love sushi. they somehow convinced me to go out for sushi today. I tried to get it through.

but I can't.

makes me misses him more than ever.

unagi.

we both really had the craze on unagi.

 

------------

I hope we'll meet in jannah one day insyaAllah.

and it was the time for you to meet your Rabb 

may Allah ease your hereafter journey.

I am here, always going to pray for you.

you will always be in my heart.

I love you lillahi ta'ala.

and for that, I am letting you go.

for you are not mine, but His.

from Him we came and to Him we shall return.