Hard Times

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
There are days you are hardly holding yourself together, to do keep on doing things you need to do; for your own good. There comes a time where you are at the edge; barely stepping on the ground. Yes, it is exhausting and difficult.

Others wouldn't know you are struggling deep inside and the simple little things they say might trigger you. The next thing you know, you are already on the ground. Broken.

No, they don't mean it. They have no clue of what's going on in your head. All they see is you smiling, talking happily to your friends. They don't see the frown behind that smile. Nobody could. All they said is "You look terrible" because you usually looked better. That little comment runs through your head and then all that rants just keep flowing in.

Of course I looked terrible. I've been crying to my sleep, sleeping more than usual and battling my thoughts all week. If I could pull off a better look, I deserved an oscar. You had no idea how hard this is. You never asked whether I'm okay or alright or whether I'm fine. You just cared on how did I look? That's it. Thaaat's it!

Yea, that was kinda clean. My head sometimes screamed profanities while my facial expression remains calm. Don't ask why. I regret and ashamed of it as well.

But yes, that small thing that triggers is meant for you. God is testing your faith, dear. Whether you'll break down and cry to Him or break down and lost, astray from Him.

So what you gotta do?

Istighfar. You've been through a lot. You need some cleanse for your soul. Istighfar calms you and reminds you that it is human to make mistakes but you should seek for forgiveness.

Wudhu'. Amazingly, the water will calms you. The gesture of having your face, arms, head, feet washed is just wonderful. It also as if those little sins are washed away together with the water. Do it slowly. Feel the water flows.

Read the al-Quran. There are so many powerful verses in the al-Quran that could soothe your wound. Read its arabic and the translation. Allah doesn't bear anything upon you without knowing you can overcome it. This is a fact. Maybe you tend to forget this, but that's what al-Quran is about, to remind us. Human tends to forget. We are created in such manner, that's why we need to be reminded again and again.

Doa. Always and always pray to Allah to have a better heart, to be strong, sabar, istiqamah and tsabat in this deen. Allah never let a prayer unanswered. It might not be answered right away, but that shouldn't stop you from praying all day, everyday. :)

And when My servants ask you, [O Muhammad], concerning Me - indeed I am near. I respond to the invocation of the supplicant when he calls upon Me. So let them respond to Me [by obedience] and believe in Me that they may be [rightly] guided.

al-baqarah: Chapter 2, Verse 186
I've been feeling this a lot this past two weeks, and I'm telling myself not to break down and go astray; instead, find Him and find peace within His words and love. It's hard, having to deal with the things you can't describe. I wonder if this is a verge of my depression, trying to kick in. I hope I could overcome this matter. Biiznillah. 💪🏼

Flaws

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
Few days ago I took a walk in the park, strolling while waiting for a friend. We then talked and talked; and one of the topic caught my attention.

What do you do when someone address your flaws in public? Even when they're joking.

"Sabar? Or tell them, how could they - but in a joking tone although you meant it" haha. I have to admit, it wasn't the best advice ever. I myself am wondering what can I do about it.

Listen, everyone has flaws. It's unnecessary to point things out.

Over the years, I was someone who likes to criticise things with the intention of getting them to be better. Then I realised, and learnt that appreciating someone's effort (even when they do not meet your standard) is much better than openly criticise their work. It gets them going in spirit rather than feeling down by the criticism given.

Let's bring someone up instead of bringing them down. That's what being a murabbi about. I'm currently reading of how to be a murabbi. It's hard but it's not impossible. I'm trying my best to be a good murabbi even when I feel that there's no murabbi for me. I have to be a murabbi to myself. Guide and advice myself. The struggle is real.

One a side note, whenever I'm feeling the struggle, I'm glad to know that the struggle exists, because without struggle the dakwah is not real!

Extroverted Introvert II

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
I was given a task, to think of what are my strength, my weakness. Weakness? That's easy. I have tonnes! I wrote a lot on that. Strength? ..

I don't even know what's my strength. I resorted to ask my roommate to write what she thinks of my strength. She wrote down a few, and I had to reject some of her ideas -- because it doesn't feel like it's me.

She thinks I can manage my time well, when deep inside I loathe myself for not having my tasks organised in a day or even in a week. Everything was so out of place. She thinks I can mingle around very well; to which I respond : I hate meeting new people.

Then it occurred to me;

I am that extroverted introvert. I am introvert by nature : I like spending time on my own, my idea of holiday and having a good time is to lay around on my bed, reading stuff or watching videos I like, meeting new people scares me, I hate talking infront of a crowd. I hate changes (I hated the idea when my parents decided to move from where we stayed) I don't really bother of others' business at all and more.

but, since my path have cross with tarbiyyah I have decided to learn on how to be a little extrovert.

I meet new people, try to link a good relation with them. I go out and spend time with other people - possibly doing the things that I don't really like, but, yeah, for the sake of spending time, I'd go; I started to talk infront of a crowd; I join or sometimes held a mini reunion with some people (that's basically a dinner get together) I learn to lend a hand to others and learn to care about other people -- and many more.

Tarbiyyah has taught me to be something different than I actually am and that's not even hypocritical. You just become someone that is extra! Alhamdulillah for the tarbiyyah. Even if it takes me like 7 years to actually acquire this extra skills in life. Hehe.

Indeed, tarbiyyah is a process. A process that is going on, and on, in other for us to achieve something new and good. and insyaAllah to be istiqamah with it.

Has tarbiyyah knocked on your life yet?

Unspoken

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
I tried to sleep early but I couldnt. Then I looked at my phone, realised my mother was online. She was sending me some pictures. I asked if she was busy, because I wanted to give her a call. I didn't realised I missed her until I heard her voice.

"This is the voice I've been listening to when I grew up. This voice may not be heard one day." I thought to myself. My head screamed "I miss you, ma" but I didn't utter it at all. We spoke briefly and ended the conversation.

Phone your parents while they're still around. You might never know when will be the last moment you'd talk to them.
P/s : missing ayah too. 

into the oven

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
After a long hiatus, i make amends  with my oven and starts baking again -- upon requests by friends. If not, i wouldn't

I secretly enjoy baking, but the fear of charging too much or having the cake taste awful always linger! I apologized to all my friends who have had my cake and didn't meet your expectations. Hence why I'm scared to mark up the prices, even when the ingredients are expensive nowaways. 😞

Well, I tried. No, I'm trying. I don't see myself as a good baker but I'm happy when they enjoyed my cakes. Like there's a glimpse of hope for me to be a good baker. Afterall, practice makes perfect. Once I get the hang of it, it will be all good.

I was happy when someone appreciate my work even when it's not even at par of good bakers.

Thank you for supporting. ♥️

Check out more cakes here.

Now if I have the urge to study as much as bake, that would be nice.