The thing about love. They make you feel these feelings and you can't do anything to stop them. I still wonder whether if it's worth it; as I don't feel the equivalent depth of happiness in comparison to sadness. Maybe I just value love differently as others do and that alone easily hurt me. Love isn't all about how long you've known each other or have been together. It's about how you move yourself towards their groove and vice versa. It's definitely a two-ways communication thing. It takes two to tango kind of thing. Sorry if that's a weird way to put it but that's how I see it. I'm not sure if this is me trying to redefine love as it already is, but I sure do think there's more to love on what's it all about than you'd actually realise.
Hey, I'm not talking about love being typically stereotyped as boy-girl relationship or soulmates or whatever; but I'm talking about love as whole. Be it with your family, your friends and your anything. For me personally, I am actually careful on who I let into my inner circle because I learnt for a fact that sometimes you just can't force people into your lives. Some things just come naturally without needing so much effort. To keep them float, yes, your efforts are very much required.
I'm interested with what Anwar Hadi once said, when he was asked how did he know his wife was the one. He said something about you wanting to make things work with the other person. Like you wouldn't mind going through high and dry in order to make things work with them. That's true.
But what if you can't choose the person you love? Like in your family for example. You don't ask to be with them and when you can't even fit yourself with them - how's that going to be? Why bother to make things work if they're not gonna?
(I am so going to write this with tears, help me)
First of all, I am so so blessed to have the family I have, despite what I've written and the ups and downs I've had. If I were to compare to others that are much less fortunate than I am, I wouldn't be who I am today. Family isn't my strongest forte; and I was jealous with those who are. Maybe I was just wired a little bit different that I do not see what others would see. For some reason I've always felt left out in the family, despite having two loving parents and two elder siblings. No matter what I do, I don't feel like I've done anything good for them. Somehow my memories of them are always of how disappointed I was with my family, even when I know they did too many good to me. It was always the bad ones over-weigh the good memories. Being the last child of the family would make you think you'd have all the attention but in my reality it wasn't. I somehow feel distant with my family when in truth I was always at home. (my other siblings went for boarding school) During my teen years was when I started to trust my friends over my family.
It may got out of hand, when I decided to study the furthest I could - Russia. I wasn't into medicine that much but I figured it would be neat to have a MD and like, help people. One of the strong reason why I chose Russia, so I could be away as I could from home.
Fortunately, it was the very place I learn that, as for family, we are entitled to love them unconditionally because that's what God would want us to do. If it wasn't for this, I wouldn't be holding on for so long. There are too many heartaches and disappointment I've been through with my family. Not that we're in non-talking terms or what-not but I'm a person that loves to connect deeply rather than superficially, so that's a bit of a problem. When I was in Russia and I got into this deep deep mess, I called them, they were at home. I remember very well, it was during the new year. I wanted to tell them, but they were having fun at home, gathered around together so they were like heyyy what's upp, like they don't even care on what I was about to tell them. At the end, I couldn't utter the words. I put down the phone and just cried. Well that deep deep mess I was in, I had to pick myself up and took me like forever to do so. It even caused me to eventually repeated 3 semesters. I still have nightmares of that deep deep mess.
That's me subtly tells the world that I was in deepest ocean deep mess and thanked God I didn't go insane for real.
Putting aside my bitter writings, in conclusion, as for love for the family; you have to respect and love them because that's what God told us to. As a person who's in faith of God, that's the reason that keeps me sane when it comes to family. Learn to put your differences aside and focus on the common ground. Even if you don't have any, just find that one damn common thing and hold on to it. So at least I'd die trying to make things work. At least I've done my part.
