Cabaran Seorang Guru

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

Haritu borak dengan kawan aku, dia seorang cikgu sekolah rendah. 

Saja bukak topik budak jawab "sebab boleh" dalam kertas exam yang ada seorang cikgu ni share kat page dia. Basically dia jawab tu adalah satu tagline mamat mana ntah yang famous kat media sosial. So kawan aku ada share, anak murid dia jawab benda merepek jugak. 

Zaman sekarang nak jadi seorang cikgu sangat mencabar! Nak mengajar banyak topik nak kena cover, dengan silibus kementerian yang padat, satu kelas ratio 1 cikgu 30-40 murid yang bermacam-macam perangai. Nak kena bagi faham itu ini bukan senang ya (Nasib aku tak jadi cikgu, aku takde kesabaran) Tambah lagi dengan cabaran dengan kena jawab whatsapp parents tak kira waktu. Yikes!

Dia cerita (ni pengalaman dia sendiri, which aku rasa ramai boleh relate)

[Untuk konteks, dia ajar subjek BM di sekolah jenis kebangsaan cina]

Sorang parent ni whatsapp malam-malam, tanya, kenapa anak dia tak score exam. Sedangkan dah ada dua cikgu tusyen. Salah cikgu sekolah ke anak dia tak boleh perform? (anak dia takde la fail tapi markah bawah 60) 

Kau rasa senang ke nak ajar satu kelas 30+ budak below average? Ni tahun 3 pun ada tak kenal huruf. PARAH ok! Nak ajar laju2 tak dapat sebab bukan ramai yang faham, semua tahap below average. Jadi ajar slow-slow, asalkan dapat faham sikit pun takpe. Aku yang dengar ni macam, alahai kesiannya weh. Kau sebagai pengajar akan frust dulu bila tengok markah budak tak ok. Ingat mak bapak je frust? Cikgu lagi frust!

Budak ni pergi 2 tusyen (aku tak tahu parents dia bayar berapa) so by right, kau akan expect cikgu tusyen tu lagi perform la kan since kau dah bayar lebih. Tapi.. camtulah.

The best part : kadang-kadang homework sekolah budak tu, cikgu tusyen dia yang buatkan. Macamana tau? Cikgu sekolah kenal la tulisan nak murid dia camana. Ya Tuhan! Kau dibayar untuk mengajar budak tu, bukan untuk buatkan homework. Macamana budak tu nak tangkap / faham apa dia belajar? Apa motif buatkan homework ni aku tak leh brain! Bila kantoi keputusan exam tak ok - cikgu sekolah yang dipersoalkan?

LUCU lah dunia sekarang ni. 

Aku rasa parents kena mainkan peranan juga dalam pembelajaran anak-anak. Tak boleh harapkan cikgu / cikgu tusyen 100%. Tiba-tiba teringat mama ayah aku teman buat homework. Nama je teman tapi sebenarnya dorang pantau aku buat ke tak, lepas tu kalau tak siap, kena la bebel! Kita pun ada rasa tanggungjawab untuk habiskan kerja rumah tu sendiri. Kalau tak siap, hadap la esok kena marah dengan cikgu pulak!

Tapi sekarang ni cikgu takleh marah ye dok? Nanti mak ayah marah cikgu balik. Hihi

Bertabahlah para guru diluar sana! Tak mudah nak mendidik orang, especially anak orang lain yang bermacam-macam perangai dan pe'el. Dengan fitnah akhir zaman lagi.. Semoga segala usaha para guru diberikan balasan yang baik dari Tuhan dan moga tak putus asa mendidik generasi anak muda.

Untuk bukan guru : semoga kita jadi parents yang baik untuk anak-anak, take part dalam mendidik mereka. Budak-budak ni tak perlu SEMUA jadi bijak, score 100% atau score A tapi cukup sekadar faham benda yang asas dan beradab baik. 

Fitnah

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

It's safe to say it's been ages since my last post. To be fair, nobody is on blogger anymore. It's alright; I'm back here purely for my own satisfaction, rather than for anything else. I have always written things for myself as a form of therapy so I'm not expecting anyone else to be here. Plus, I dont think people read anymore...

But, if you are reading this, Hello and salamualaikum!

A LOT have been happening since I last blogged (obviously) but I rather not get into the details for now

Today, I wanna write about what has been boggling my mind; my fear of social media and the negative impact on society. Jap, let me switch up to more layman terms for easier rant and luahan hati.

Zaman sekarang ni, terlampau banyak fitnah.
Ok, kita definisikan apa itu fitnah;
Dalam konteks yang mudah, fitnah tu macam kau buat cerita tak betul pasal orang lain.
Tapi dalam definisi dewan bahasa pustaka:

Tuduhan (khabar, kisah dan lain-lain) yang diada-adakan (dibuat-buat) untuk memburukkan atau membencanakan seseorang

Tapi perkataan asalnya dari bahasa arab, yang memberi maksud "ujian" atau "cubaan"

Sangatlah menakutkan ya, sekarang ni orang ramai post macam-macam di media sosial, tanpa kenal erti fitnah itu sendiri. Tak kisah berita betul ke tak, sebar dulu, janji dapat likes dan views. Janji FYP!

Weh, tak takut ke korang akan consequences yang mendatang? Di dunia satu hal, di akhirat macamana?

Paling benci kalau orang sebar pung pang pung pang fitnah, lepas kantoi share statement palsu, dia up je lah statement minta maaf. --- DAH HABIS CERITA!

Sedangkan maruah orang yang terlibat macamana? Anak beranak, keluarga dia macamana? Mana nak letak muka.. Benda dah viral! Satu Malaysia dah kecam berjemaah, dah kumpul dosa kecam kat bahagian komen. 

Mungkin sebab arus perdana media sosial terlampau laju, semua benda kita nak share pada media sosial. Share dulu, betul ke tak belakang cerita. Kita ketagih pada likes dan comments kot? 

Perang sosial media politik lagi la menakutkan. Yang ada gambar profile berkopiah, berserban, bertudung labuh pun syok menyebarkan fitnah, apatah lagi yang berpakaian biasa-biasa je. Sedih tengok masyarakat kita parah betul.

Bila mana aku terbaca / terlintas kat my fyp atau home page;

And I think to myself -- wujud ya orang begini? Boleh ya seseorang berwatakan begini? Sebelah tangan pegang ayat al-Quran, sebelah lagi pegang berita palsu/fitnah. 

Menakutkan!

Takyah la musuh Islam datang nak pecah belahkan kita; dia tepuk tangan je tengok kita gaduh sesama sendiri.

Ironically, all of this inspires me to betulkan diri dengan lebih baik, menjadi orang yang lebih baik dan jauhi dari perangai tak elok camtu. Kita nak share sesuatu, fikir 2-3 kali; perlu ke post? Ada kita harm sesiapa tak? Berita nak share ni sahih ke? Verify dulu la baru share. Haa gitu.

Kalau ada yang terbaca, moga check balik niat kita buat sesuatu. Berbalik pada fitrah kita. Pepatah kata "kerana mulut badan binasa" tapi kat social media bukan mulut directly la tapi tangan kita yang menaip itu ini. Hadis pun ada cakap "berkata baik ataupun diam". Janganlah kita gali lubang sendiri!

Semoga Allah jauhkan kita dari perangai yang buruk dan kurniakan kita hidayah untuk jadi yang lebih baik!

On a side note, I feel weird writing all of these in Malay but I think it's better lah kan. Lebih feeling gituh!

Welcome back, fiend.

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
I realised I needed a professional help when my trigger gets worse. Yes, i recognised my trigger. Before this I was in denial about it and then I have came to term that it was definitely a trigger for me. I usually have to be in contact of that trigger - before this it needs several times to happen but now no more. All it takes was for me to hear the sentence and I'll drive myself nuts.

My trigger has gone worse. Which means I wasn't even handling it as I thought I did. I was bottling up till I can't anymore. Last couple of weeks I went straight to zombie mode. No one really knew about it. I tried to keep it low. Till I had to tell my boss because she noticed that I've been delaying some tasks which is unusual for me. I didn't want to tell her because I don't want her to treat me differently but it's unfair if I chose to keep it a secret. She has the right to know as I was putting my tasks aside when it should have been done in the first place. I didn't go into much details, but she understood and adviced to take a time off.

I love my job, it kept me sane all these months. I might be the only one who loves it as much, lol. So when I couldn't get my tasks done, I was in a self loathe state for doing so. Like, why am I too messed up to do some simple tasks? (Yes it was hella simple but I was avoiding it) so that pretty much messed me up even more.

I finally seek a professional help and alhamdulillah it was a good experience. It makes me feel that there is still hope for me to recover. What frustrate me initially was, I knew what was going on and what to do but I can't bring myself to do it. Like, I know I need to get my thinking clear and free from pain, but.. I feel like I'm not strong enough to do so, especially when I am alone in this journey.

Next week will be my second visit and hopefully I will have good progress. I'm tired of seeking stuff to distract myself from this feeling. I'm sad that I can't feel truly happy whenever I should feel joy. I need to be able to recognise my feeling and control my emotions whenever I'm near my trigger.

Maybe I will, someday. 

Moving On

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

I was reading couple of books - Dale Carnigie's (how to stop worry and start living) and Muharikah's (hidup yang aku pilih) Haven't finish them, I jumped one book to another. I got to say, they are helping me a lot.

Few days back I had some breakdown (as always, almost every breakdown is written here) and along that week I read their books. Basically the gist of the books are, no matter where you are in life right now, something is going to go wrong or something that you're not gonna like will happened. The difference is either you going to worry too much or will do something about it.

Yes, I worry too much. Where am I going to live? I am broke and I am living in a debt. I don't have a stable job, and when I do get a stable job - can I survive that hell hole? I have no control in my financial state. I have to take care of myself but everything is so darn expensive out there. I'm so weak physically, mentally and emotionally.. How am I going to survive? 

The thing is, I always feel my life is so pathetic and sad so there are days I spent weeping about it when the fact that I should be doing something to change it. Yes, I can't change the situation as a whole but I can change my mindset and be better about it. When I worry less, the clearer I see to handle the situation.

If I'm going to spend my days worrying about the unseen future, I will die of my own emotions and fear. So, I'm just going to live my days as it is, the best I can, take things at a time. Slow and steady. I should stop comparing my life with others as my life isn't like any other. I should stop taking things too seriously and just live life. I should be able to survive, insyaAllah by His Grace.

It is scary out there, and I feel like I got no one else with me. But it's okay. I know He will protect me and take cares of me; like He is doing now and every day.

insyaAllah.

Move Along

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
Feels the need to write since the last 2 posts are so depressing. I've been alright. Surprisingly so good these couple of weeks. Good doesn't mean I didn't ended up crying and hugging my brother -- but good as in I can move on from that 'storm' phase and live life.

There are so many things that I need to do, I can't focus on the things that's holding me back. I can't keep torment my mind about the things I couldn't do, so I just move on and do the things that I can do instead.

Few highlights since the storm in no particular order, good or bad :
- raya was awful for me.
- I went to work more in July and met with the boys and girls. They definitely takes some edges off of me.
- I went for IMARET mission for orang asli. wasn't reaaaally hyped up as I don't get hyped up about stuff but it felt so good to be able to join. I know I didn't do much but it was so awesome! I wanna go again :D
- my spectacles broke. wuuu T.T so I started wearing lens while scouting places to make cheap spectacles. as I need to pay for my own, sigh.
- I get to meet the people behind IMAM. which is awesome and inspiring
- went for Nouman Ali Khan talk with my lubov. it was so gooood
- went for usrah with the girls. talked about real life issues. I love this.
- spend time with my best friends. :)
- got a lot of self-hate one of the days. because I feel so stupid for letting someone does bad things to me. sigh
- went for medicorp course. it was a one week before decision as I feel the need to learn stuff and distract myself with something useful.
- hang out with friends and juniors who came home for summer break. they're nice :)

So in conclusion, life isn't bad if you choose to do something good in it. I broke down a little last night - hormonal stuff, I hate this - but I was all good afterwards. I just need time to collect myself, to do the right thing with an open heart.

You see, doing the right thing isn't as easy nowadays. Because of the feel of you're like shit and you wanna protect yourself from being hurt again. But then again, at the end of the day, the right thing is still the right thing to do. I just need to convinced my heart to be cool with it, with no negative emotional attachment.

Somehow, this blog ended up as letters to myself.

Hence, dear self, hang in there. Cry if you need to, talk to the ones you love -- and you will feel better and be able to do the right thing. :)

-

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
How do I even put these in words?

Yesterday I asked advise for heartbroken via WhatsApp status.

One said to eliminate the cause.

But what if I can't eliminate the cause because they're family? Trust me I am now so confused and lost. I can't just leave family. From psychological aspects, yes I'd be down to leave toxic aura even when it's family. But from responsibility and religion aspects, I can't.

What should I do? I don't know.

I feel so guilty not be able to do what's right but when I tried doing so, I ended up hurting so bad that I don't wanna go anywhere. I don't wanna do anything.

Another said do whatever I'm happy with. That's the thing. I can't recall myself when's the last time I was happy. I don't know what makes me happy. The things I used to like, I don't like them anymore.

My heart hurts, my head hurts - migraine keeps coming, my stomach hurts. Everything seems to hurt..

It's all messed up.

I'm messed up.

I just feel so helpless and hopeless.

When will the storm pass?

It's hard

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
Today after work we spoke as usual, talked about random stuff. When it gets a little bit personal, I can feel like I was going to have a breakdown.

True enough, I teared in the car.

I looked away. I don't wanna cry in front on him. It's just too awkward and weird. Oh my God, I felt the journey to LRT feels forever. At times like this lah the traffic light turns red. Adoii.

We both kept silence. It was a deafening silence. He turned on the radio to ease the awkwardness.

"Sya jenis pendam eh?"

I kept quiet.

"Takpe lah, nangis je kalau nak"

"Sorry," suara bergegar, antara dengar atau tidak. My tears fell even faster.

When we finally arrived;

"Thank you," I said, looking away.

"Take care."

I can't even look at him when I got down to say thanks. I feel so heavy in my chest. I feel like all the words are churning inside of me, not able to escape my mouth. It's slowly eating me alive.

It's been couple of times these 'meltdown' happened and usually either I was alone or I'm in the LRT or in the Grab. Never in front of someone I know.

Honestly, it's hard. It's hard to put into words with what I'm feeling. It's hard to stay positive when I'm all about negative. It's hard because I honestly feel I have no one to talk to; or at least no one I want to talk to.

Whatever it is, I hope this will pass.

Every storm shall pass..

Lifted

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

I've been meaning to write this past couple of days.

It's unexplainable how the dark clouds parted and I am more at ease now. Looking back to what I wrote, I can't imagine myself in that situation, feeling those feelings. But it happened and now I can say I'm 'lifted'

About a week ago, I had one of those unpleasant episodes and I found myself having no one to talk to - or at least that was what I thought. I disconnect myself from mainstream socmed (read : instagram) as I feel it's building up unnecessary tension in me. I took some time to rethink the decision made, whether it was based on solely emotions or a need to get myself out of from the unhealthy situation.

 I also took some time to reach out to a friend, whom I occasionally go to for some advises. At the time it was hard, explaining on how I feel and the situation I was in, because I can't tell them without having my tears rolling down my cheek. I didn't wanna talk, so I texted instead, which helped a lot to deliver the story. To be honest this was like the 8th person I vent on my situation and I wasn't told anything new. I was told something I've heard of  from someone else before but amazingly, by His grace I supposed, I absolutely feel lifted the day after. I went on Youtube to find some self-help tips and recalculate my situation. That's when I was sure it was a right thing to disconnect with socmed. I started to feel much lighter, less bitter about the whole situation.

It turns out, when you feel you're wronged by someone, it eats you up so bad that whatever comes after that you can't move forward. You're stuck. Yeah, tell me about it. So in order to move forward, you need to acknowledge that whatever happened has happened and you need to let it go. Easier said than done, I'd say that. Took me forever to finally let things go, be at ease and to face come whatever may. Even when you are wronged, the best thing is to improve on how not to get into that same situation again. In my case, I felt like I'm always being lied to and always been given fake promises. I have to acknowledge that things changes. People changes. Situation changes. Nothing in this world is permanent. The only one that is solely will never let you down is God. No matter how close you are with someone, at the end of the day, everyone is for themselves. So, stop expecting from people more and just be the better person and not to do that to others. I've known someone that always try (and most of the time succeed) to compose himself whenever he's in a situation, be rational about it and try to solve it in the best way. I truly envy that, because I feel that's what I'm lacking off. I'm always too caught up with emotions that whenever I feel wronged, ALL the unpleasant memory will flow as well. I'm learning to compose myself, evaluate the situation and deal with it calmly.

When I met up with my new naqibah here and we just taaruf, talked about my background a little. When we met up for the liqa' with others, she reminded me of the things I used to really love and fought hard for. She reminded me of the love I used to hold dearly close to my heart that now is nowhere to be seen nor felt. The love for Him and His blessings. On the way home I told her what was going on with me, well knowing I was oversharing but I need her to know what kind of situation I was/am into so she'll know what to do. She said, God has plans for us all. We may not know the blessing yet but He knows it all. He's preparing me for bigger things in life. To which I said, I knew that and when whatever happened to me, it was so difficult to grasp that idea and understand the concept. When we caught up with emotions and feelings and what-not, every single thing became cloudy. Yes, we are humans after all. Seriously, she feels like a Godsend to me.

For now, I aimed to put less expectations on others, but try to do my best in everything. Be it relationships with family and friends, my work (Oh yes, I'm an intern of IMAM for now) my tarbiyah journey, my medical knowledge, and whatever that I can get opportunities to give back to others for Him.

Well, once a while I'd have my down moments juga la. A single hurtful text could really bring me down. I told myself, it's okay to feel hurt and sad, cry je lah if I want to, but make sure not to give other people the chance to doubt me. Means I have to try my best to rectify my situation. If it still fails, I've tried and God knows. biarlah Allah je kira. Effort tu, Allah tahu. It doesn't matter if other people don't wanna acknowledge that. I know God and I value my efforts and myself.

Alaa kulli hal, Alhamdulillah for all these things, alhamdulillah for everything. For all the wrongs I've done, I hope and pray that God can and will forgive me. I pray He won't forsake me and let me down to the wrong path. May all of us always be guided and granted patience for this world.

:)

Deep and Meaningless

I think I need to pen this down.

I need to.

---

I've never thought it will come to a point that you pushed me away this far. Avoiding my calls and texts. Even if when we talked over the phone, you always tell about superficial things. You even lied to me, and trying to convinced me to believe it. Knowing that you're lying to me hurts. I don't know how but I just know. I wanna talk and solve the real issue here but you refuse to see it as an issue. I tried to talk about it and you turned the table to me. It was always my fault. I gave you chances to make it up, but you threw it on my face with another lies.

I never talk about this because talking about it doesn't help at all. All these years I was in Russia, escaping the harsh reality that's falling upon me now. Even then, I didn't think it's gonna be this bad. Every day I think of the things I could change so it wouldn't turn this way but you know what? It won't matter anyway because I am destined for this life. Destined to be with people who wouldn't try to understand me. Destined to get stuck in this emotional roller-coaster. I tried to hold it in, I know other people who had it worse. I tried. and I'm at a point that I'm sick of trying. All these years away from home I tried to change the way I think, I thought I was the problem, that's why people treat me this way. I tried to make excuses for you. but now I'm sick of it. I'm sick of everything. I'm shutting myself from everyone, everything. I can't trust anyone anymore. At the end of the day, I will only have myself to go through this shit.

So, thank you.

Thank you for showing that love isn't bounded by blood at all.

Thank you for showing that love isn't about understanding and tolerance. 

Thank you for pushing me to the edge so I will learn the real meaning of life.

I'm not the kind of person that rants on social media but I did posted something on my insta story for close friends. Only 3 people asked what was up / if I'm okay -- others just commented on how I met the MOH. Lol. One of them asked me face to face while we were in the car and I almost broke down at that moment. Luckily it was a short drive, or else he'd have to face with a mental breakdown me. 

So, note to self : don't post things like that anymore.

tell me how

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
I almost forgot I still have this blog. I rarely update; the last I wrote was last year and yeah that's pretty much eons ago.

So, what's new since then?

I stopped having eating disorder last september and thanks to zhar pizza, I've gained back those weights I've lost. No regrets, I love eating. I had some few rough patches here and there; not sure for worse or better but it happened. (honestly I think it's for the worse) oh yeah, I graduated. Yeah, that's pretty much sums up last 9 months.

I'm going back home for good in a week plus and I'm absolutely terrified. I've been here for almost 9 and a half years and I don't think I'd know how to live back at home. I always feel out of place whenever I'm home for the summer break and I was always glad and excited to be here. I haven't actually got a grasp on the idea yet but I know it's happening and I know I'm nowhere near ready. I'll need time to adjust myself back and knowing what's in store for me just makes me so worried and scared.

For some reason, I've becoming more and more cold towards people around me for I feel tired to please them. I'm no people-pleaser type of person but I hate to make things uncomfortable for others. I try to accommodate when I can -- because I know I'm okay with anything. It was always going someone's way rather than mine some things because I was okay with it. Recent months, I stopped to care altogether. I just think it's wearing me down so much I won't bother to try anymore -- especially when I know you're not gonna do the same for me or you're not worth it. Somehow I became bitter about most things. I slowly excused myself from non-worth friendship and let it just be a platonic one where we can say 'hi' and talk about the weather but nothing too personal. I shut myself down from most people. Come to think of it, it's kinda sad that most people don't really know me but then again that's my own doing. I don't let people in.

Well, yeah. If you're not worth the time and effort, I won't let you in. I can just tell about some personal stuff but that doesn't mean we're tight. I don't trust anyone easily. I keep things to myself most of the time for that specific reason. Some days when it hurts so bad, so so bad that I can't feel anything else but pain. It was too painful and there were the days I feel like just killing myself so the pain would stop. Alhamdulillah I wasn't that insane. Whenever I have those days I'll stop seeing everyone. I just sit at home and avoid everyone. I tried and forced myself to go to class but it was too overwhelming that I couldn't take it. Even when I was already in the class I'll just take my stuff and leave immediately when it gets bad. Yes, I have quite a lot of otrabotka for the final semester by doing that.

I was slowly losing hope on everything. I felt that I trusted the wrong person. I felt betrayed and I just can't handle people lying to my face; especially those who supposed to care about me. That's the thing with expectation on people. They'll ruin you, slowly and deadly.

I started (or more like, continued) to abuse myself in some ways. I purposely did the things I know I shouldn't be doing because I felt like nothing matters. Nothing. I was thinking, "everything effed up  anyway, why not ruined it all the way?"

No matter how hard I try to get people to understand what I was feeling and am feeling, I'm the only that truly knows and understands. So, there's no point of telling, right?

So tell me how.

eating disorder

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

To those who knew me, this will be something impossible to happened. Even when I was hospitalized for my surgery my appetite didn't affected at all. I'm a girl who loves food and loves to eat. 

Couple of post back I've mentioned of losing my appetite every now and then. Last month, the situation got worse a little. I've gotten sick of food even when I'm supposedly famished. I felt nauseated after having few bites and was struggling to keep them in and not to throw up. There was once the girls came over and we had dinner together in a tray. I wanted to eat so I forced myself a little (also felt guilty cos she cooked for us) but I couldn't. I ended up crying later because I was so disappointed. 2 weeks of these, I've started to lose weight. It's not something I should be proud of because it's a freaking eating disorder. I got sad for a while but determined to eat better.

There are days I've eaten well whenever I'm with the girls. It came to a point that whenever I didn't feel nauseated I'd eat as much as I can - thinking I'll be compensating what I've lost. Turned out I've lose weight after another 2 weeks. I started to feel stressed out because of this. There was one day in class I had panic attack just because I couldn't bring myself to finish a snickers bar when the day before I barely ate. Some days I'd just fast because that's easier to be done than eating. At least there are some pahala for fasting, right?

I was open about this matter with few of my close friends. They encouraged me to eat. Some even tried to spoon fed me. (Yes it was that bad) and they were the victims whenever I couldn't finish my food, I'd asked them to finish it. 😏 But yes they are gems. They even suggested to eat spicy food so that my appetite will grow. It helps once in a while. I low-key worried of my gastric linings as I have had history of gastritis.

Come to think of it, this isn't the first time it's happening but it's the longest run so far. It happened earlier this year (when I posted here) and at that time I turned to this one friend and told her about this and guess what she said? "It's really good that you're losing weight". Look, I know I could have been needing the weight lost but this isn't what I'm looking for. It's depressing to have this because it's something that is not healthy. I didn't work out or anything. It's not good. So I stopped talking to her about this. She's still my friend, of course. But I just don't tell her about this matter anymore.

It also came to a point that I'd find it's offensive if someone said I look like I've lost weight. To which I'd reply no, I'm the same. The other day my friend was in a mood to buy food for me to which I ended up eating 1/3 of it; I asked him to finish it and he said jokingly "are you on a diet?" And i was super offended 😂 I just smiled and said the food is not nice.

Nowadays it's nothing to be worry much because it's the month of Ramadhan so I'll be fasting happily. I don't feel like checking my weight because I'm scared to know. I hope this shall pass! It's gonna be 2 months soon. Wait. It passed 2 months. Damn. 

unexpected

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

when we were having oncology cycle last week; as usual, we were given questions to answer about certain topics. that one particular day topic was lymphoma. when i got to know, my mind started to wander. it reminded me the day when ayah emailed me his biopsy results after he had his inguinal lymph node remove. it was angioblastic lymphoma. with a very poor connection on my phone, i went and search for that email. i wanted to read the reports once more. i wasn't sure why, but i wanted to. i went through such trouble because my phone data was dead so i had to wait till the class ended so i could search for better connection. once i read it, i was frozen. this isn't the first time i read the report, so what gives? i threw my phone on my lap, i sat down at the couch, still froze.

"akak okay ke kak?" my groupmate asked.

i kept quite, just stared blankly

"kenapa kak? akak ok tak ni?" he asked again.

"yeah im okay." i answered swiftly without moving my head.

he and the rest of them wore their jackets and bid me goodbye. i was supposed to wait for my friend to finish her class anyway, so i just sat down and stare at my phone. suddenly, i broke into tears. it was really pouring like a broken dam. i had no idea where all of these came from. i couldn't stop crying for minutes. i couldn't understand why i was crying though. not PMS for sure, too early for my cycle. it wasn't a brand new info; i've always known what was ayah's diagnose. but why it got to me real bad? why it was so painful and unbearable?

i texted my brother and of course, he just replied with an emoji. (busy lah tu, hmph *rolls eyes*) after i finally had my cool, my friend told me she just finished her class and on her way down. i composed myself and walked with her to the bus stop.

"akak selsema ke nangis" she asked casually

"nangis" i muttered. i really had no mood to beat around the bush now.

"ada masalah dengan anyone ke?"

"nope" 

then we went on talking about other things. out of the blue;

"tau dah kenapa akak nangis. masalah dalaman kan?" she brought up the topic once more

"hm not really. do you really wanna know why i cried?" she nodded yes to that. 

so i told her what happened and teared again. i felt that if i didn't explain, she's just gonna keep wondering why. then we dropped the topic. we went to the stores with the other girls, shopped, laughed and all. i thought i was going to be alright.

i was dead wrong.

i went home, distract myself with some video and what-not. suddenly broke into tears again. i was not in the mood at all. whoever texted me for favours were declined and rejected. just when i thought i've pulled myself together and tried to do my work, i couldn't do a thing. i wasn't even feeling alive. all the wrong and uncanny thoughts crossed in my mind. i wanted to do the most unspeakable things. i just wanted the pain go away. it was frustrating when i felt that my prayers don't calm me at that moment.

i couldn't bring myself to go to class. even when it was the final class and yeah it was important to attend it. i couldn't care less. i just wanna sleep so that i won't have to deal with the pain. it was so unbearable, then it became all numbed out. when afeq told me her kitten died, i had no feelings left anymore. i do feel obliged to feel sorry so i told her that but deep inside i was like, meh.

in the evening i decided to take a walk in the park. there is a park nearby my house but i only like that one particular park. i sat there, for God knows how long, and just cry. talked myself some sense and when i was finally done, i composed myself and went to get things done. things that needed to be done.

i went home. i thought it was all alright. when a friend asked what happened, i told him and broke down in tears again. but it was a short brief amount of time so i guess i was healing already.

it's funny. when you think you've got all your shit together but in reality it seems that they were just buried somewhere and just waiting the time to burst. honestly, this past year has never been so depressing for me. i am wondering if it means that all these while i wasn't dealing with them very well, i was just burying them and now one by one coming out to haunt me. great.

it's been a while

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
Salam and hello.

First of all, alhamdulillah alaa kulli hal. I passed my exams even though right in my heart I know I don't deserve it if we were to measure upon efforts; but Allah is as merciful and loving as ever. I said before I wasn't able to concentrate but, He blessed me with love. On another note, my dark clouds parted and I feel better nowadays. I stopped having panic attacks for the time being and I can feel I am slowly 'healing'.

I still have the struggle to keep my emotions intact when it comes to empathy. Few friends are having deep issues and I feel I am breaking with them. I feel as if literally I was the one in their shoes. There are days I feel a little down but I honestly don't feel as dark as last month. I'm still unsure if this is a good thing or a bad thing?

Couple of days ago, I read mato's hiatus book and it breaks me as well. As I could relate most of his story and I couldn't get it out of my head. Not going to give any spoilers here, you just have to read it yourself. Another thing I was particularly keen of one of his tweets. He said, he actually refused to give advises to others nowadays as most of them will bite him back. Hard. That's what happened and happening to me. In the al-Quran in chapter 61 verse 2, Allah address to the mukminin, "why do you say what you do not do?" and I'm flowing with tears already. This isn't the first time I've heard of this verse yet I kept forgetting the essence of it. Apparently who I am today is the exact opposite of who was before. I'm not sure if I like this person I'm becoming to be. Heck, I'm not even sure what to feel. I'm just too numbed out, maybe?

I'm on my way to finding myself. Some soul searching stuff, yknow? I can feel there's a glimpse of hope growing slowly. That alone already makes me feel slightly better. 

Contemplating

I so want to pass this exam on the first try because it will be pain in the butt if I don't do so. I have been saying this since october/november itself. But now I'm just not able to put myself together for this exam. The previous 2 exam I dragged so badly and alhamdulillah I made it through. This one, I don't know how I'm going to make it. Everything is just scattered and I can actually feel I'm going kinda insane. I don't know what to do, I don't want to talk about it to anyone because it feels like I'm ranting the same thing again and again and people can't relate or they're just sick of hearing the same thing. I keep letting down myself again and again, knowing that it's doing no good but I can't help it. I wanna cry but I can't cry anymore. I was crying watching some dramedy show and when I rewatch it the next day I've no feelings anymore. I think my heart has darkened. I'm trying to fix myself. I am. and I will.

Remember how we used to like ourselves?What little light that's left, we need to keep it sacredI know that you're afraid to let all the dark escape yaBut we could let the light illuminate these hopeless places

idle

I'm Not Okay

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
I don't know where to begin..

This clearly isn't the best time to write a post, considering I have exams next week and I barely read anything -- but I think I need to pen it down.

I wasn't sure what I was going through for the past couple of months. Heck, I am still unsure of it. I was having panic attacks and it was getting more frequent. I'd like to think I could manage things through but apparently I couldn't because it is still haunting me. As I write these down, I can feel such anxiety started to hover me. It's not even out for the world yet, and I already feel crappy.

I don't know what happened or triggered that made me this way but one thing for sure, I don't feel like the same person I was few months back. I'm starting to lose myself as days passed by and I was just living one day after another. I started to lose appetite, gained them back and lost it then it came back. Like a tennis ball being hit back and forth.

I spoke to few people about it, just the surface of it. Some asked whether I was stressed. I don't think I was, to be honest, because it all feels normal with no addition stress or whatsoever. I then realised that maybe certain things that happened before, was still lingering and I wasn't getting over them. It was buried deep inside and now it finally is eating me up. It didn't feel like a big of a deal or maybe I'm just in denial? I don't know, man.

Lately, there are so many people I care and love were sad, broken and just lost; I couldn't do anything to help and I just feel I am breaking too, inside.

When you think when you get older you'd figure things out and turns out - you can get lost along the way.

Devastation and Reform

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
Recently, I've posted an excerpt of a story of  my junior; on how she was battling her mental health. She's now willing to share her full story and trying to reach out to others that couldn't or afraid to seek help.

This is written by Sofea herself.

Hi there, I'm Sofea. I'd like to share my story regarding my mental health and I hope you would do something more about it to create awareness on it. Thank you. An NGO (Relate Malaysia) has actually shared this and it has made a huge impact to a lot of people. 

I've been suffering from depression for quite sometime. I'm diagnosed with mixed anxiety-major depressive disorder. I attempted suicide countless times to the point that I was actually rushed to the ER. I overdosed three times on my antidepressants, drank chemical and I've been cutting myself. It's a long story as to why i got depressed. To make it short, I've had a bad childhood past until now. Parents got divorced when I was 10. I have 10 siblings and my mum single handedly took care of us. I used to be physically, mentally and sexually abused. But I choose not to point names. 

Despite the sufferings I've been through as a kid, I was actually a very good student. I excelled in both academic and curricular activities. I even held a lot of important posts. I was that active. People always call me as the girl who always smiles, who's never angry and mean to anyone. But little did they know that I've been masking my sadness all along. No one ever knew about it. 

After SPM, my father decided to take care of me and so I went to JB and studied there for my foundation. My father works in JB. When I was in JB that I started suffering from depression. I'd like to keep the details as to why I got depressed. At that time I also just got a boyfriend who is now my fiancé. He's the first boyfriend I've ever had and I hope he'd be the last as well haha. He was the one who noticed that I've gotten gloomier and always crying. We've always skyped. Since he lives in KL and I was in JB at that time. He tried to help me by talking to my parents about it. And guess what? He got lashed out by mother. My mum scolded me too and said that he's a just a stranger and nobody needs to know about our family problems. I felt even worse after something happened. Again I can't tell you what it was. But it scarred me so badly. My family didn't believe and neglected that I was depressed and condemned me. They said "tu lah tak ingat tuhan, sebabtu takda arah. Sofea belajar je. Takyah nak depress. You have to score. You have to be a doctor". I was broken by then. Again, I repeat. I was abused physically, mentally and sexually. 

So after my foundation, I came back to KL to live with my mum again. Things were already awkward and I was always given the 'mean' treatment. I started to work at Petrosains then. Because I truly am passionate in science and my ambition is to be a doctor. I kinda healed a bit when I was working there because I was surrounded by positive people and I enjoyed what I did. 

Later on I furthered my study in Russia, doing medicine. Things happened in Russia that broke me even more. My fiancé's father passed away, my friends became distant towards me, I fell sick with an erosion and bleeding stomach. Just imagine I was already depressed at that time. That's when I truly felt empty. At that point of time, all I think of was death. I just wanted to die. I told my fiancé that every single day. Every single day I got very bad panic attacks which no one knew about it. I was all alone and empty. 

Then it was our summer break, I was so happy that I got to be back in Malaysia with my fiancé. He brought me to see a psychiatrist and from there I got some medications. During the session with the psychiatrist, the psychiatrist said I wasn't stable and unfit to go back to Russia in the meantime m. The doctor was afraid that I'd be worse and might not even heal. So whether I liked it or not, my fiancé and I had to tell my parents about it. About differing my studies, about me seeing a psychiatrist. My dad was calm but he insisted that I still had to go to Russia. My mum on the other hand went berserk. 

On the day of my flight, my mum created a scene and called everyone and said that I mengada and tak bersyukur and that my fiancé was the one who's influencing me. She didn't even want to salam me when I wanted to say goodbye. My fiancé was the one who was supposed to bring me to the airport. I was so empty and broken. That's when I overdosed on my antidepressants. My fiancé rushed me to the ER in PPUM. And you know what hurt me even more? One of the doctors said "you're a medical student but you're a mess". Wow. How kind of her. I want everyone to know that I'm not giving up on my dreams. I just need to take a break and heal first. Tu je yang orang tak faham. 

After I was discharged, my dad decided to take care of me and bring me back to JB. I actually didn't want to because it'd remind me of the past that happened in JB. Then, I decided to attempt suicide by overdosing again. I was then rushed to the hospital in JB. In the ward I overdosed again because I was really agitated by the environment and I just felt empty. I suffered from bad side effects. My vision became blurry, I couldn't walk, I fell unconsciously in the toilet. After that I was sent to the psychiatric ward. 

Being in a psychiatric ward for almost a week makes me realise a lot of things. When I was first admitted here, I was so scared and alone. Other patients suffer from schizophrenia, BMD, A.C psychosis and etc. Some are aggressive, some are 'crazy', some talk to themselves. Some are over friendly to the point i felt uncomfortable,some pestered me for my phone,some cried to me that they wanna go home.I was afraid. I witnessed some patients kena ikat, menjerit meraung. Some even managed to get out and bled all over the bed coz she took out her needles. My days had been filled with screaming from some patients. I feel afraid and pity at the same time.At first I didn't open up to anyone of them. But since I'm the youngest here, they all treat me like I'm their younger sister.Despite their troubled issues, mental illness and childish attitude, kena ikat dengan police and all, they're actually very kind deep within. I realised that when I had my first panic attack here in the ward, some of the 'crazy' patients came to me and tried to calm me down. They held me and helped me to lie down on my bed. They tucked me into bed. Then they called the nurse that I'm hurt. I felt so touched. Ever since that, whenever i had panic attacks, they'd do the same exact thing to me. And I then told myself to not call them crazy. I opened up to them as they opened up to me. Kesian sangat dengar cerita dorg. Yes I've gone through shit. But they have no one. 

Eventhough I still do feel scared & get panic attacks whenever i hear a sudden scream and all the gaduh between the patients, police & doctors, I now feel very sympathetic towards them. They have been kind to me.They gave me sweets, snacks everytime I breakdown.They'd stroke my hair. Everyday I pray to God that He will ease things for them. They deserve to be happy too. Eventho they're 'crazy', they never once hurt me. As a matter of fact, I feel like I've grown to love them. And when I'm discharged, I'm truly gonna miss them. As a matter of fact, I feel like I've grown to love them. And when I'm discharged, I'm truly gonna miss them. 

When I was having my session with some psychiatrists, one of the doctors said he sees and believes that one day I'll be an amazing person, a good doctor based on the session we had. I was so happy and touched. The doctors told me that I'm not at fault and I'm not a burden. They understand the struggles that I've been through. I want to emphasise, never underestimate the power of kind words.Some patients pleaded to me with so much tears, you have no idea how it broke my heart.

From someone who is suffering and is actually diagnosed with mixed anxiety-major depressive disorder, here's an advice : Please be kind and considerate. Be gentle with your words. Never condemn. Listen and understand. Help. Be nice. Be loving. No, I'm not seeking for attention. I just need this issue regarding mental illness to not be taken lightly. It could cost someone's lives. Remember, healing is a PROCESS.
No one heals in a nick of time. Some people heal and THEN FALL DOWN, get back up and fall again. It might even be on repeat. But then finally they get back up, STRONGER as ever.
Being in this psychiatric ward makes me realise that i want to make a change. I want mental illness to stop being stigmatised. The experience that I'm currently going through now makes me feel more motivated to be a help to others eventhough I myself am suffering. It took me a lot of guts to share this. I feel so happy that a lot of people have come to me and share their stories. Some even are already trying to seek help after knowing my story. You have no idea how happy I feel to make an impact to others. 

After my story has been spread widely on Twitter (my account is @eilyasofea), I've been getting a lot of response from people. Some are even seeking for professional help now. I'm happy that I made an impact in people's lives. I was from Convent Bukit Nanas and I held a lot of important posts. One of them is i was the International Understanding (IU) Director in interact club. I hosted an IU Day about 'Change' and the event was a huge success. We've got a lot of sponsors (some of them were DBKL, NMIT, CIMB, Nestle, Vitagen etc) and the total profit that we got was more than RM30k. Truly. Then we distributed the money to 5 homes (oku, aids, orang tua etc) and the balance was given to the school to renovate etc. I was only 17 at that time and I've created a huge success. Though I'm struggling with MADD right now, I still aspire to inspire people. I want to be a mental health advocate/doctor one day. I hope you'd read this and give me a response. If there is any voluntary work that I can do, feel free to contact me. I'd love to receive all the positivity that I can get. Thank you so much.  

Best regards, Sofea. 

Heavy

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
The song "hate to see your heart break" from Paramore was written out of empathy towards her best friend; when she saw him in the state of life hitting him hard on his face and was hopeless, she feels as if she was breaking too.

Empathy is something you can understand and share feelings of another person. It is said as an emotional intelligent thing. This is something you don't learn in school; well, not in the syllabus anyway. It's through relationship (be it family or friends) and experience you'd be able to develop empathy. Don't mistaken empathy and sympathy. Sympathy is as simple as feeling sorry for others when you might not actually understand what's going on. Empathy is a deeper feeling, as you can actually feel what they're feeling.

In a recent post, I was writing about empathy towards people having depression and suicidal episodes. I am actually intrigued with my junior because she is having a rough time herself and getting herself treatments but at the same time she's sharing her stories in order to educate others. In doing so, she is actually helping other helpless folks and like what I told her, it's a great thing to do. I bet it wasn't easy to be open and talk about the most private and vulnerable things in your life but she did it.

It made me realise one thing;
people who are trying (so hard, if I may add) to help others that are in need are usually the ones who actually been there. They are the ones who knew how heavy it was to be helpless and how heavy it was when no one was there to help them out. They didn't want someone else feel and go through whatever they went through because it was really bad. Unfortunately, sometimes these people are too busy helping others that they didn't have the chance to help themselves.

I saw someone wrote (I forgot who and where did I stumbled upon it though) about how certain artists address mental health issue and how to get things through in their songs or act because they knew how it felt like. She said that some of these artists are like holding the lights and reaching out others (in order to help them get through things) but at the same time it's draining them and they became darker. It was like how Robin Williams was, he made everyone happy while he himself isn't. That's the dangerous part of depression; these people hid it so well and you wouldn't even know that they're having a rough time. They will keep a good smile upon their face whenever they're out with others but once they're all by themselves (or with the people they really trust) the broke down. They will be most unexpected person to be depressed. Sometimes things got out of hand and it'll be too late when you know it.

I feel like it's so twisted;
sometimes the person you think don't need help / cheering are the ones that need them the most.

So, be nice to everyone. You never know what they're going / they've been through.

Conversations With Stranger

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
This morning I got ready for class and headed to bus stop with Nini. It was around 8.15 when we reached the bus stop. 10 minutes passed and there was no bus at all. Nini said she wanted to take the bus at the other bus stop and but I told her I'd want to wait for 5 more minutes. So, I waited and waited. There was no bus. at. all. I didn't realise how long I've waited but it seemed that only 30 minutes till class starts.

I ordered a cab from the app and  5 minutes later the driver came. He was in his late 50s I supposed. I told him I waited the bus for like almost 20 minutes and there was none. He said the traffic was bad on some roads so the bus must have stuck some where. As usual, I was asked where I'm from. As I told Malaysia, he said he knew that. (Believe me quite a number do not know where Malaysia is)

"the young ones probably didn't where's malaysia, but I do," he said

I didn't remember exactly how he started to talk about ISIS and Syria. He said that Muslims will not do such terror, as they have the al-Quran and same as the Christians that has the bibles. If they do terror things, they are not truly Muslims. It's a tragedy that things been going on and a lot of lives have lost along the way. He also talked about North Korea, Trump and all sort of things. It was too overwhelming. I felt that it was too early to talk about these heavy issues in the morning. Unfortunately my vocabulary is limited regarding this topic so I had to converse in simpler words. Like a small kid's vocab, haha. It's nice to have this kind of things to talk about, I really like how he was so open about it - considering I am a stranger to him, a foreigner here and I am a Muslim.

He was also telling me that he learned few English when we was in Africa. "one, two, three, four, five." he recalled excitedly. Well, that was all he remembered, haha. He did study well in order for him to get scholarships. It wasn't fully paid, but at least he didn't have to pay so much for his education. He too told me to study well and be a good doctor.

"study, study, study," he said. He was quoting Lenin.
"study till you die," I responded
"yes! you should study well and be a good doctor."
"yeah but currently in my country there's a lot of graduates but few places to work. but we have a lot of patients"
"doctors are needed because patients will be in a large number. look at what we're eating now"
"yeah, true"
"we used to eat natural things. but now it's all chemical." he said
"you know there is a bread that can last up to 2 months," I was thinking of Harry's.
"Bread supposed to last about 3 days!"
"Yeah, it was all chemical in the bread."


When I was about to reach the hospital, I checked my bag only to realise that I didn't bring my purse. I only had coins for bus fares and that was it. OMG. Like what the heck is wrong with me! He noticed and asked what went wrong and I told him what happened. He just laughed. I was a little panic, I asked him if I could give him a call and pay him later. But, thanked God for technology, I can use the app to pay the cab fares with my bankcard. *phew* I thanked him and we bid our goodbye.

One More Light

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
Couple of days ago I saw a junior from my university posted photos in her instagram stories. She's back in Malaysia and in a hospital attire. At first I thought she was undergoing some treatment - which she is but it was not for any physical illness.

She's in a psy ward. She has been battling depression for years and she was suicidal. She had multiple scars and there was even one that fully heals. She has been taking medication and now still seeking for help. Coming from a girl that I thought was living a happy, cheerful and active life, I was shocked. I didn't think she could be one of those that would have these problems. She is a bright brilliant girl and to know that she's going through such pain, it really breaks my heart. I truly feel empathy for her, even though we barely know each other. I wish her to get better and keep on being strong.

This depression and anxiety are real illness that most people tend to overlook. People easily dismiss them just because there is no proof of physical damage or can't be seen in x-rays or ultrasound and what-not.

I have to admit, I was one of those who had the stigma : when you have a religion, when you have faith, you shouldn't have depression. I bet there are a lot of you out there has been told similar things. Looking back, I was one of those jerk who dismissed these problems by shoving faith as the solution. You see, it is not the only solution, it is part of the solution. There's more things to be done besides emphasising on faith and we are not looking for the right direction.

Depression and anxiety have no favours. Just because you have a religion and have faith of God, that doesn't mean you can't get these illness. What? You think you're a muslim you can't get depressed and anxious? I knew someone who has been battling anxiety and depression for quite some time and no one would actually believe that she has it because, guess what? Because she's "religious". When she tried to get help, (probably didn't go to the right person) the person told her "what? don't you have Allah? why are you like this?" Can you imagine how she was feeling? I felt sorry for her but I also felt super useless because I couldn't help her - I don't know how to. It was heartbreaking to see her in that situation. She eventually found a way out and slowly got better. She's now doing much better and I wish her the best as well.

Come to think of it, when I had my dark depressive-like days, I'm pretty sure it wasn't as bad as what others went through. I mean, I didn't have to take any medication, I didn't injure myself and for that I am really really thankful. I must have probably feel only like 10% of the real depression - and that was already painful enough for me. I wasn't eating (it's super odd if you know me well) I didn't want to see anyone even my closest family and friends. I cancelled all my plans that I was so excited of initially but just couldn't pull myself together to get through. There was this emptiness in me, and it was scary because I kinda like how the emptiness hovers me at first. It went on for days and I felt like I can't get out of it. I didn't know who to talk to, and how to be free of this unwanted feelings. I want to make things better but I can't. I was stuck in a limbo. There are some episodes when it happened and I was asked "kau dah kenapa?" and I said I don't know; because I truly didn't know what was going on. I don't remember exactly how long and how I managed myself through but alhamdulillah I did it. I am not 100% over some issues, to be honest. I guess it kinda stay with you and it depends on yourself how you manage things and pull it through. This then actually gave me a view on depression and anxiety on a different perspective. I now feel more empathy for people battling with these things.

To whoever that's having a rough time, having all sorts of depression, anxiety and any mental illness;
It's okay. It's okay to have them. It's okay to admit that you're having them. It's important to realise what's going on in order to seek help. Also, be strong. I know it's hard to trust people since most of them dismiss you, but I bet there are some out there truly a gem and cares for you. They do. Just be sure to look out for them and get whatever necessary help. Different people handle things differently so I believe that different people will need different methods to manage things through. Most importantly, love yourself, take care of yourself.

To those who know someone that might be having a rough time, try to understand them and be supportive. Don't simply judge and most importantly don't tell them that "it's nothing. get over it." cos it's not easy to do so. Healing takes time. Sometimes all you need to do is just be with them, without saying a word. Just let them know they're not alone.


p/s :  This morning I was watching One More Light video that Hahn and Shinoda dedicated to Chester Bennington. You see, Chester was sexually abused when he was a kid and that probably just didn't go away at all. Not to say that was solely the cause of his suicide but these things add up. Some things you just can't forget and it will always be a part of you whether you like it or not. Yeah, that sucks.

Love

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
The thing about love. They make you feel these feelings and you can't do anything to stop them. I still wonder whether if it's worth it; as I don't feel the equivalent depth of happiness in comparison to sadness. Maybe I just value love differently as others do and that alone easily hurt me. Love isn't all about how long you've known each other or have been together. It's about how you move yourself towards their groove and vice versa. It's definitely a two-ways communication thing. It takes two to tango kind of thing. Sorry if that's a weird way to put it but that's how I see it. I'm not sure if this is me trying to redefine love as it already is, but I sure do think there's more to love on what's it all about than you'd actually realise.

Hey, I'm not talking about love being typically stereotyped as boy-girl relationship or soulmates or whatever; but I'm talking about love as whole. Be it with your family, your friends and your anything. For me personally, I am actually careful on who I let into my inner circle because I learnt for a fact that sometimes you just can't force people into your lives. Some things just come naturally without needing so much effort. To keep them float, yes, your efforts are very much required.

I'm interested with what Anwar Hadi once said, when he was asked how did he know his wife was the one. He said something about you wanting to make things work with the other person. Like you wouldn't mind going through high and dry in order to make things work with them. That's true.

But what if you can't choose the person you love? Like in your family for example. You don't ask to be with them and when you can't even fit yourself with them - how's that going to be? Why bother to make things work if they're not gonna?

(I am so going to write this with tears, help me)

First of all, I am so so blessed to have the family I have, despite what I've written and the ups and downs I've had. If I were to compare to others that are much less fortunate than I am, I wouldn't be who I am today. Family isn't my strongest forte; and I was jealous with those who are. Maybe I was just wired a little bit different that I do not see what others would see. For some reason I've always felt left out in the family, despite having two loving parents and two elder siblings. No matter what I do, I don't feel like I've done anything good for them. Somehow my memories of them are always of how disappointed I was with my family, even when I know they did too many good to me. It was always the bad ones over-weigh the good memories. Being the last child of the family would make you think you'd have all the attention but in my reality it wasn't. I somehow feel distant with my family when in truth I was always at home. (my other siblings went for boarding school) During my teen years was when I started to trust my friends over my family.

It may got out of hand, when I decided to study the furthest I could - Russia. I wasn't into medicine that much but I figured it would be neat to have a MD and like, help people. One of the strong reason why I chose Russia, so I could be away as I could from home.

Fortunately, it was the very place I learn that, as for family, we are entitled to love them unconditionally because that's what God would want us to do. If it wasn't for this, I wouldn't be holding on for so long. There are too many heartaches and disappointment I've been through with my family. Not that we're in non-talking terms or what-not but I'm a person that loves to connect deeply rather than superficially, so that's a bit of a problem. When I was in Russia and I got into this deep deep mess, I called them, they were at home. I remember very well, it was during the new year. I wanted to tell them, but they were having fun at home, gathered around together so they were like heyyy what's upp, like they don't even care on what I was about to tell them. At the end, I couldn't utter the words. I put down the phone and just cried. Well that deep deep mess I was in, I had to pick myself up and took me like forever to do so. It even caused me to eventually repeated 3 semesters. I still have nightmares of that deep deep mess.

Ramadhan adinnasat : we may not realised how strong we were at the time; after the storm passes, we looked back and saw how far we've come to this day. Still wondering how did we survive. . . . Alhamdulillah aku tak jadi gila. 😂 #obsesilangit #contenganramadhan

A post shared by @syahaneez on Jun 6, 2017 at 10:09am PDT

That's me subtly tells the world that I was in deepest ocean deep mess and thanked God I didn't go insane for real.


Putting aside my bitter writings, in conclusion, as for love for the family; you have to respect and love them because that's what God told us to. As a person who's in faith of God, that's the reason that keeps me sane when it comes to family. Learn to put your differences aside and focus on the common ground. Even if you don't have any, just find that one damn common thing and hold on to it. So at least I'd die trying to make things work. At least I've done my part.