Cabaran Seorang Guru

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

Haritu borak dengan kawan aku, dia seorang cikgu sekolah rendah. 

Saja bukak topik budak jawab "sebab boleh" dalam kertas exam yang ada seorang cikgu ni share kat page dia. Basically dia jawab tu adalah satu tagline mamat mana ntah yang famous kat media sosial. So kawan aku ada share, anak murid dia jawab benda merepek jugak. 

Zaman sekarang nak jadi seorang cikgu sangat mencabar! Nak mengajar banyak topik nak kena cover, dengan silibus kementerian yang padat, satu kelas ratio 1 cikgu 30-40 murid yang bermacam-macam perangai. Nak kena bagi faham itu ini bukan senang ya (Nasib aku tak jadi cikgu, aku takde kesabaran) Tambah lagi dengan cabaran dengan kena jawab whatsapp parents tak kira waktu. Yikes!

Dia cerita (ni pengalaman dia sendiri, which aku rasa ramai boleh relate)

[Untuk konteks, dia ajar subjek BM di sekolah jenis kebangsaan cina]

Sorang parent ni whatsapp malam-malam, tanya, kenapa anak dia tak score exam. Sedangkan dah ada dua cikgu tusyen. Salah cikgu sekolah ke anak dia tak boleh perform? (anak dia takde la fail tapi markah bawah 60) 

Kau rasa senang ke nak ajar satu kelas 30+ budak below average? Ni tahun 3 pun ada tak kenal huruf. PARAH ok! Nak ajar laju2 tak dapat sebab bukan ramai yang faham, semua tahap below average. Jadi ajar slow-slow, asalkan dapat faham sikit pun takpe. Aku yang dengar ni macam, alahai kesiannya weh. Kau sebagai pengajar akan frust dulu bila tengok markah budak tak ok. Ingat mak bapak je frust? Cikgu lagi frust!

Budak ni pergi 2 tusyen (aku tak tahu parents dia bayar berapa) so by right, kau akan expect cikgu tusyen tu lagi perform la kan since kau dah bayar lebih. Tapi.. camtulah.

The best part : kadang-kadang homework sekolah budak tu, cikgu tusyen dia yang buatkan. Macamana tau? Cikgu sekolah kenal la tulisan nak murid dia camana. Ya Tuhan! Kau dibayar untuk mengajar budak tu, bukan untuk buatkan homework. Macamana budak tu nak tangkap / faham apa dia belajar? Apa motif buatkan homework ni aku tak leh brain! Bila kantoi keputusan exam tak ok - cikgu sekolah yang dipersoalkan?

LUCU lah dunia sekarang ni. 

Aku rasa parents kena mainkan peranan juga dalam pembelajaran anak-anak. Tak boleh harapkan cikgu / cikgu tusyen 100%. Tiba-tiba teringat mama ayah aku teman buat homework. Nama je teman tapi sebenarnya dorang pantau aku buat ke tak, lepas tu kalau tak siap, kena la bebel! Kita pun ada rasa tanggungjawab untuk habiskan kerja rumah tu sendiri. Kalau tak siap, hadap la esok kena marah dengan cikgu pulak!

Tapi sekarang ni cikgu takleh marah ye dok? Nanti mak ayah marah cikgu balik. Hihi

Bertabahlah para guru diluar sana! Tak mudah nak mendidik orang, especially anak orang lain yang bermacam-macam perangai dan pe'el. Dengan fitnah akhir zaman lagi.. Semoga segala usaha para guru diberikan balasan yang baik dari Tuhan dan moga tak putus asa mendidik generasi anak muda.

Untuk bukan guru : semoga kita jadi parents yang baik untuk anak-anak, take part dalam mendidik mereka. Budak-budak ni tak perlu SEMUA jadi bijak, score 100% atau score A tapi cukup sekadar faham benda yang asas dan beradab baik. 

Fitnah

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

It's safe to say it's been ages since my last post. To be fair, nobody is on blogger anymore. It's alright; I'm back here purely for my own satisfaction, rather than for anything else. I have always written things for myself as a form of therapy so I'm not expecting anyone else to be here. Plus, I dont think people read anymore...

But, if you are reading this, Hello and salamualaikum!

A LOT have been happening since I last blogged (obviously) but I rather not get into the details for now

Today, I wanna write about what has been boggling my mind; my fear of social media and the negative impact on society. Jap, let me switch up to more layman terms for easier rant and luahan hati.

Zaman sekarang ni, terlampau banyak fitnah.
Ok, kita definisikan apa itu fitnah;
Dalam konteks yang mudah, fitnah tu macam kau buat cerita tak betul pasal orang lain.
Tapi dalam definisi dewan bahasa pustaka:

Tuduhan (khabar, kisah dan lain-lain) yang diada-adakan (dibuat-buat) untuk memburukkan atau membencanakan seseorang

Tapi perkataan asalnya dari bahasa arab, yang memberi maksud "ujian" atau "cubaan"

Sangatlah menakutkan ya, sekarang ni orang ramai post macam-macam di media sosial, tanpa kenal erti fitnah itu sendiri. Tak kisah berita betul ke tak, sebar dulu, janji dapat likes dan views. Janji FYP!

Weh, tak takut ke korang akan consequences yang mendatang? Di dunia satu hal, di akhirat macamana?

Paling benci kalau orang sebar pung pang pung pang fitnah, lepas kantoi share statement palsu, dia up je lah statement minta maaf. --- DAH HABIS CERITA!

Sedangkan maruah orang yang terlibat macamana? Anak beranak, keluarga dia macamana? Mana nak letak muka.. Benda dah viral! Satu Malaysia dah kecam berjemaah, dah kumpul dosa kecam kat bahagian komen. 

Mungkin sebab arus perdana media sosial terlampau laju, semua benda kita nak share pada media sosial. Share dulu, betul ke tak belakang cerita. Kita ketagih pada likes dan comments kot? 

Perang sosial media politik lagi la menakutkan. Yang ada gambar profile berkopiah, berserban, bertudung labuh pun syok menyebarkan fitnah, apatah lagi yang berpakaian biasa-biasa je. Sedih tengok masyarakat kita parah betul.

Bila mana aku terbaca / terlintas kat my fyp atau home page;

And I think to myself -- wujud ya orang begini? Boleh ya seseorang berwatakan begini? Sebelah tangan pegang ayat al-Quran, sebelah lagi pegang berita palsu/fitnah. 

Menakutkan!

Takyah la musuh Islam datang nak pecah belahkan kita; dia tepuk tangan je tengok kita gaduh sesama sendiri.

Ironically, all of this inspires me to betulkan diri dengan lebih baik, menjadi orang yang lebih baik dan jauhi dari perangai tak elok camtu. Kita nak share sesuatu, fikir 2-3 kali; perlu ke post? Ada kita harm sesiapa tak? Berita nak share ni sahih ke? Verify dulu la baru share. Haa gitu.

Kalau ada yang terbaca, moga check balik niat kita buat sesuatu. Berbalik pada fitrah kita. Pepatah kata "kerana mulut badan binasa" tapi kat social media bukan mulut directly la tapi tangan kita yang menaip itu ini. Hadis pun ada cakap "berkata baik ataupun diam". Janganlah kita gali lubang sendiri!

Semoga Allah jauhkan kita dari perangai yang buruk dan kurniakan kita hidayah untuk jadi yang lebih baik!

On a side note, I feel weird writing all of these in Malay but I think it's better lah kan. Lebih feeling gituh!

Welcome back, fiend.

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
I realised I needed a professional help when my trigger gets worse. Yes, i recognised my trigger. Before this I was in denial about it and then I have came to term that it was definitely a trigger for me. I usually have to be in contact of that trigger - before this it needs several times to happen but now no more. All it takes was for me to hear the sentence and I'll drive myself nuts.

My trigger has gone worse. Which means I wasn't even handling it as I thought I did. I was bottling up till I can't anymore. Last couple of weeks I went straight to zombie mode. No one really knew about it. I tried to keep it low. Till I had to tell my boss because she noticed that I've been delaying some tasks which is unusual for me. I didn't want to tell her because I don't want her to treat me differently but it's unfair if I chose to keep it a secret. She has the right to know as I was putting my tasks aside when it should have been done in the first place. I didn't go into much details, but she understood and adviced to take a time off.

I love my job, it kept me sane all these months. I might be the only one who loves it as much, lol. So when I couldn't get my tasks done, I was in a self loathe state for doing so. Like, why am I too messed up to do some simple tasks? (Yes it was hella simple but I was avoiding it) so that pretty much messed me up even more.

I finally seek a professional help and alhamdulillah it was a good experience. It makes me feel that there is still hope for me to recover. What frustrate me initially was, I knew what was going on and what to do but I can't bring myself to do it. Like, I know I need to get my thinking clear and free from pain, but.. I feel like I'm not strong enough to do so, especially when I am alone in this journey.

Next week will be my second visit and hopefully I will have good progress. I'm tired of seeking stuff to distract myself from this feeling. I'm sad that I can't feel truly happy whenever I should feel joy. I need to be able to recognise my feeling and control my emotions whenever I'm near my trigger.

Maybe I will, someday. 

Moving On

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

I was reading couple of books - Dale Carnigie's (how to stop worry and start living) and Muharikah's (hidup yang aku pilih) Haven't finish them, I jumped one book to another. I got to say, they are helping me a lot.

Few days back I had some breakdown (as always, almost every breakdown is written here) and along that week I read their books. Basically the gist of the books are, no matter where you are in life right now, something is going to go wrong or something that you're not gonna like will happened. The difference is either you going to worry too much or will do something about it.

Yes, I worry too much. Where am I going to live? I am broke and I am living in a debt. I don't have a stable job, and when I do get a stable job - can I survive that hell hole? I have no control in my financial state. I have to take care of myself but everything is so darn expensive out there. I'm so weak physically, mentally and emotionally.. How am I going to survive? 

The thing is, I always feel my life is so pathetic and sad so there are days I spent weeping about it when the fact that I should be doing something to change it. Yes, I can't change the situation as a whole but I can change my mindset and be better about it. When I worry less, the clearer I see to handle the situation.

If I'm going to spend my days worrying about the unseen future, I will die of my own emotions and fear. So, I'm just going to live my days as it is, the best I can, take things at a time. Slow and steady. I should stop comparing my life with others as my life isn't like any other. I should stop taking things too seriously and just live life. I should be able to survive, insyaAllah by His Grace.

It is scary out there, and I feel like I got no one else with me. But it's okay. I know He will protect me and take cares of me; like He is doing now and every day.

insyaAllah.

Move Along

In The Name Of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
Feels the need to write since the last 2 posts are so depressing. I've been alright. Surprisingly so good these couple of weeks. Good doesn't mean I didn't ended up crying and hugging my brother -- but good as in I can move on from that 'storm' phase and live life.

There are so many things that I need to do, I can't focus on the things that's holding me back. I can't keep torment my mind about the things I couldn't do, so I just move on and do the things that I can do instead.

Few highlights since the storm in no particular order, good or bad :
- raya was awful for me.
- I went to work more in July and met with the boys and girls. They definitely takes some edges off of me.
- I went for IMARET mission for orang asli. wasn't reaaaally hyped up as I don't get hyped up about stuff but it felt so good to be able to join. I know I didn't do much but it was so awesome! I wanna go again :D
- my spectacles broke. wuuu T.T so I started wearing lens while scouting places to make cheap spectacles. as I need to pay for my own, sigh.
- I get to meet the people behind IMAM. which is awesome and inspiring
- went for Nouman Ali Khan talk with my lubov. it was so gooood
- went for usrah with the girls. talked about real life issues. I love this.
- spend time with my best friends. :)
- got a lot of self-hate one of the days. because I feel so stupid for letting someone does bad things to me. sigh
- went for medicorp course. it was a one week before decision as I feel the need to learn stuff and distract myself with something useful.
- hang out with friends and juniors who came home for summer break. they're nice :)

So in conclusion, life isn't bad if you choose to do something good in it. I broke down a little last night - hormonal stuff, I hate this - but I was all good afterwards. I just need time to collect myself, to do the right thing with an open heart.

You see, doing the right thing isn't as easy nowadays. Because of the feel of you're like shit and you wanna protect yourself from being hurt again. But then again, at the end of the day, the right thing is still the right thing to do. I just need to convinced my heart to be cool with it, with no negative emotional attachment.

Somehow, this blog ended up as letters to myself.

Hence, dear self, hang in there. Cry if you need to, talk to the ones you love -- and you will feel better and be able to do the right thing. :)