I've been thinking to blog about this.
perlu? maybe.
just wanna let it out? maybe.
mainly I just wanna point out my side of the story. and it's a long one.
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as some of you know, I am a medical student in Russia and in summer of 2013 I was in my 3rd year 2nd semester, the peak of the semester in our whole 6 years of education. where, the exams are 5 in total and it's all the killer subjects -- pathphysiology, pathanatomy, propadeutics (internal medicine) general surgery and pharmacology.
as usual, the rule of the university is, you can't sit for your exams until you have completed the academic hour you needed. in other words, you gotta attend all classes and then you are eligible to sit for exams. if you missed/skipped any, you gotta rework the classes you've missed. so, with that rule, having 5 exams means you gotta complete the academical hours for the 5 subjects.
easy right?
so what makes you skip class?
- woke up late (late to class and you will not allowed to enter, depends on the mercy of the teacher)
- not well, sick
- didn't prepare for class (if so, you'd might get screamed at to or just flunk the class with shame)
- lazy (very popular reason that need not to be explained)
as for me, I have so many academical hour debts due to many reasons.
mainly, I was mentally unstable due to reasons I couldn't state here. basically, I wasn't well mentally. but my physical was fine, except of few times cos I had my back ache and such.
I thought to myself, if we were to fall ill physically and we couldn't go to class, what if we're ill mentally/emotionally? ( this is a very dangerous statement, huhu )
truth to be told, my academical hours debt are not as much as other infamous students but the thing is I didn't finish it right away. I was pressured and well, if you know me well enough, whenever I am pressured I couldn't do a thing.
so that summer 2013 ended with myself missing the first seating of those 5 exams due to my own academical hours debt. and I went back to Malaysia with this burden carried over my shoulder.
I brought back the books to be studied, but that didn't work out well. I was hospitalised and did some operations. I tried to study but I felt like it's just not gonna work. Maybe I was just too depressed with my state of physical state, although I keep telling everyone I was fine. Ha. I didn't like the 'attention' and the 'empathy' that they expressed towards me. So I kept telling everyone I was fine and it's all good. but then again, only God knows. I try not to think about the pain so I detour my attention to something else. (which is ended up to no good, Allah, if only I was stable enough not to go to futur state)
Fast forward, I was back in Kursk. I wasn't healed completely so I gotta stand the physical pain I was having. so that slowed things down. I wasn't able to rework my debts right away due to the late tuition payment from MARA. there was this new rule (or an old rule that I didn't know about, sheesh) when you want to take permission to settle your debts, you gotta show the letter saying that you've paid your fees. I've missed about 3 weeks due to this problem. but alhamdulillah it was all settled and I was able to continue with my rework. (you can actually go to the rework without the permission because not all teachers will actually ask for the permission, the thing was, my teachers did ask about it, hah.)
the subjects that i was doing was pathphysiology and pathanatomy. pathphysiology was a breeze, alhamdulillah. but pathanatomy was a challenge. I couldn't answer the questions she gave properly and I had to study really good for that. I even have to do 2-3 times of the same topic due to my lack of knowledge. that I admit, it was my own mistake for not putting much effort. so only in the month of november I was able to finish these debts. so I sat my first exam and it was pathanatomy. alhamdulillah, I passed. that was the only subject I was really into and after that, any exams that I took, I failed again and again. again and again.
pathphysiology is the 'easiest' exam to passed. why? cos the teachers weren't 'strict'. and they practically left the room so the students usually copy during the exam. and me? I had to sit 3 times for pathphysiology due to my own lack of knowledge. I didn't want to copy. it's morally wrong! and I know I am 'stupid' so just live with this. why? simple. cos I didn't study hard enough. I didn't have the sufficient time to study and yet I was still wasting my time doing things I shouldn't be doing and worrying things I shouldn't be worried. who's to blame? me.
honestly, I was so furious whenever people ask me, "why didn't you cheat?"
it's like basically saying, "you know you can't answer it right? why don't you just cheat? why are you wasting your time repeating the same paper when you know you don't have much time to clear up your exams before the dateline passes."
I had the habit of cheating in classes, cos I was so lazy to study and I ended up didn't learn a thing during classes and that ilmu just flew away, and if I learn any, it is without barokah and it's all a waste. Why did I cheat in class? cos everyone's doing it. and serves me right. cheating doesn't get me anywhere.
so after that I was determined, especially for my exams, I don't wanna cheat to pass. If I'm not good enough, let me live in the consequences. I don't study hard enough, I got to live with that consequences. Why cheat when you know Allah wouldn't approve it even though in the teacher's record you passed. and I can't live with that.
so there you have it. why do I keep failing for my exams, why do I keep wasting my time, up untill now (december) I've only managed to finish 2 exams, which was pathanatomy and pathphysiology. so I got to repeat my semesters due to this unfinished exams and also due to new syllabus of the students at the moment, I probably need to repeat in the 3rd year 1st semester next february. that is like 1 and a half year wasted. money and time wasted. but as long my parents were okay with it (of cos they were mad but eventually they grasp the idea of this) and I'm fine, so let me be.
if I heard something like "tu lah, budak usrah tapi pavto gak." better than "tu lah, budak usrah tapi meniru gak time hekzem". janganlah kerana my own stupidity, usrah dan Islam tu dipersalahkan pulak. adehhh. -_-
I'm so worried if this would be a fitnah to Islam & usrah. so this is why I'm writing all of these. to clear things up.
and yes, I am alright with repeating semesters. insyaAllah. buat apa nak sedih/takut/marah sedangkan ini adalah akibat perbuatan sendiri. pandai buat, pandai la tanggung. ye dok?
ehh, I don't know why I don't like it when I'm okay with it and people be like "kesiannyaaa kamu..."
there was a time, after failing my exam and my friend would be like, "kau okay ke?" and she asked so many times. worried. and I'll be like "aku okay la." and then she came and hugged me. LOL. aku okay. just aku mungkin annoyed kena tanya banyak kali begitu. apa kamu mahu dengar aku kata "aku tak okay. aku fail. aku mau menangis."? hahahah. tak payah kot nangis kerana exam dunia. :P
but then, if I say I'm not disappointed, it will be a lie.
I am disappointed with myself. tu je. rasa macam nak cekik diri sendiri for not putting enough effort. huhu. maybe of the lack of passion and love compared to DnT. It's hard when you're doing something you don't love. whenever there's hardship you are easily feel down and pessimist about stuff. insyaAllah I wanna improve this. huhu.
other than that, I'm okay. I don't even blame MARA for the late payment, the teachers for not letting me to do reworks everyday, for not letting me to sit for exam if I don't have 3 days gap, for failing me, for making me to repeat 3 semesters.
those are the rules, and that happened for their own reason. why should I blame them for complicating my rework/exam when the MAIN fault is me having the academical debts & sitting late for exams? kan?
whatever happens to you, reflect upon yourself first before pointing fingers to others.
jangan kerana tersepak batu kerana cuai disalahkan batu kerana berada di situ.
:)